Maskerade

by

Terry Pratchett

DEDICATION

My thanks to the people who showed me that opera was stranger than I

could imagine. I can best repay their kindness by not mentioning their

names here.

The wind howled. The storm crackled on the mountains. Lightning prodded

the crags like an old man trying to get an elusive blackberry pip out of

his false teeth.

Among the hissing furze bushes a fire blazed, the flames driven this way

and that by the gusts.

An eldritch voice shrieked: 'When shall we. . . two. . . meet again?'

Thunder rolled.

A rather more ordinary voice said: 'What'd you go and shout that for? You

made me drop my toast in the fire.'

Nanny Ogg sat down again.

'Sorry, Esme. I was just doing it for. . . you know. . . old time's sake.

. . Doesn't roll off the tongue, though.'

'I'd just got it nice and brown, too.'

'Sorry.'

'Anyway, you didn't have to shout.'

'Sorry.'

'I mean, I ain't deaf. You could've just asked me in a normal voice. And

I'd have said, "Next Wednesday." '

'Sorry, Esme.'

'Just you cut me another slice.'

Nanny Ogg nodded, and turned her head. 'Magrat, cut Granny ano. . . oh.

Mind wandering there for a minute. I'll do it myself, shall I??

'Hah!' said Granny Weatherwax, staring into the fire.

There was no sound for a while but the roar of the wind and the sound of

Nanny Ogg cutting bread, which she did with about as much efficiency as a

man trying to chainsaw a mattress.

'I thought it'd cheer you up, coming up here,' she said after a while.

'Really.' It wasn't a question.

'Take you out of yourself, sort of thing. . .' Nanny went on, watching

her friend carefully.

'Mm?' said Granny, still staring moodily at the fire.

Oh dear, thought Nanny. I shouldn't've said that.

The point was. . . well, the point was that Nanny Ogg was worried. Very

worried. She wasn't at all sure that her friend wasn't. . . well. . .

going. . . well, sort of. . . in a manner of speaking. . . well. . .

black. . .

She knew it happened, with the really powerful ones. And Granny

Weatherwax was pretty damn' powerful. She was probably an even more

accomplished witch now than the infamous Black Aliss, and everyone knew

what had happened to her at the finish. Pushed into her own stove by a

Page 1

couple of kids, and everyone said it was a damn' good thing, even if it

took a whole week to clean the oven.

But Aliss, up until that terrible day, had terrorized the Ramtops. She'd

become so good at magic that there wasn't room in her head for anything

else.

They said weapons couldn't pierce her. Swords bounced off her skin. They

said you could hear her mad laughter a mile off, and of course, while mad

laughter was always part of a witch's stock-in-trade in necessary

circumstances, this was insane mad laughter, the worst kind. And she

turned people into gingerbread and had a house made of frogs. It had been

very nasty, towards the end. It always was, when a witch went bad.

Sometimes, of course, they didn't go bad. They just went. . . somewhere.

Granny's intellect needed something to do. She did not take kindly to

boredom. She'd take to her bed instead and send her mind out Borrowing,

inside the head of some forest creature, listening with its ears, seeing

with its eyes. That was all very well for general purposes, but she was

too good at it. She could stay away longer than anyone Nanny Ogg had ever

heard of.

One day, almost certainly, she wouldn't bother to come back. . . and this

was the worst time of the year, with the geese honking and rushing across

the sky every night, and the autumn air crisp and inviting. There was

something terribly tempting about that.

Nanny Ogg reckoned she knew what the cause of the problem was.

She coughed.

'Saw Magrat the other day,' she ventured, looking sidelong at Granny.

There was no reaction.

'She's looking well. Queening suits her.'

'Hmm?'

Nanny groaned inwardly. If Granny couldn't even be bothered to make a

nasty remark, then she was really missing Magrat.

Nanny Ogg had never believed it at the start, but Magrat Garlick, wet as

a sponge though she was half the time, had been dead right about one

thing.

Three was a natural number for witches.

And they'd lost one. Well, not lost, exactly. Magrat was queen now, and

queens were hard to mislay. But. . . that meant that there were only two

of them instead of three.

When you had three, you had one to run around getting people to make up

when there'd been a row. Magrat had been good for that. Without Magrat,

Nanny Ogg and Granny Weatherwax got on one another's nerves. With her,

all three had been able to get on the nerves of absolutely everyone else

in the whole world, which had been a lot more fun.

And there was no having Magrat back. . . at least, to be precise about

it, there was no having Magrat back yet.

Because, while three was a good number for witches. . . it had to be the

right sort of three. The right sort of. . . types.

Nanny Ogg found herself embarrassed even to think about this, and this

was unusual because embarrassment normally came as naturally to Nanny as

altruism comes to a cat.

As a witch, she naturally didn't believe in any occult nonsense of any

sort. But there were one or two truths down below the bedrock of the soul

which had to be faced, and right in among them was this business of,

well, of the maiden, the mother and the. . . other one.

There. She'd put words around it.

Of course, it was nothing but an old superstition and belonged to the

unenlightened days when 'maiden' or 'mother' or. . . the other one. . .

encompassed every woman over the age of twelve or so, except maybe for

nine months of her life. These days, any girl bright enough to count and

Page 2

sensible enough to take Nanny's advice could put off being at least one

of them for quite some time.

Even so. . . it was an old superstition-older than books, older than

writing-and beliefs like that were heavy weights on the rubber sheet of

human experience, tending to pull people into their orbit.

And Magrat had been married for three months. That ought to mean she was

out of the first category. At least-Nanny twitched her train of thought

on to a branch line-she probably was. Oh, surely. Young Verence had sent

off for a helpful manual. It had pictures in it, and numbered parts.

Nanny knew this because she had sneaked into the royal bedroom while

visiting one day, and had spent an instructive ten minutes drawing

moustaches and spectacles on some of the figures. Surely even Magrat and

Verence could hardly fail to. . . No, they must have worked it out, even

though Nanny had heard that Verence had been seen enquiring of people

where he might buy a couple of false moustaches. It'd not be long before

Magrat was eligible for the second category, even if they were both slow

readers.

Of course, Granny Weatherwax made a great play of her independence and

self-reliance. But the point about that kind of stuff was that you needed

someone around to be proudly independent and self-reliant at. People who

didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind

of people who didn't need people.

It was like hermits-There was no point freezing your nadgers off on top

of some mountain while communing with the Infinite unless you could rely

on a lot of impressionable young women to come along occasionally and say

'Gosh' .

. . .They needed to be three again. Things got exciting, when there were

three of you. There were rows, and adventures, and things for Granny to

get angry about, and she was only happy when she was angry. In fact, it

seemed to Nanny, she was only Granny Weatherwax when she was angry.

Yes. They needed to be three.

Or else. . . it was going to be grey wings in the night, or the clang of

the oven door. . .

The manuscript fell apart as soon as Mr Goatberger picked it up.

It wasn't even on proper paper. It had been written on old sugar bags,

and the backs of envelopes, and bits of out-of-date calendar.

He grunted, and grabbed a handful of the musty pages to throw them on the

fire.

A word caught his eye.

He read it, and his eye was dragged to the end of the sentence.

Then he read to the end of the page, doubling back a few times because he

hadn't quite believed what he'd just read.

He turned the page. And then he turned back. And then he read on. At one

point he took a ruler out of his drawer and looked at it thoughtfully.

He opened his drinks cabinet. The bottle tinkled cheerfully on the edge

of the glass as he tried to pour himself a drink.

Then he stared out of the window at the Opera House on the other side of

the road. A small figure was brushing the steps.

And then he said, 'Oh, my.'

Finally he went to the door and said, 'Could you come in here, Mr

Cropper?'

His chief printer entered, clutching a sheaf of proofs. 'We're going to

have to get Mr Cripslock to engrave page 11 again,' he said mournfully.

'He's spelled "famine" with seven letters-'

'Read this,' said Goatberger.

'I was just off to lunch-'

'Read this.'

Page 3

'Guild agreement says-'

'Read this and see if you still have an appetite.'

Mr Cropper sat down with bad grace and glanced at the first page.

Then he turned to the second page.

After a while he opened the desk drawer and pulled out a ruler, which he

looked at thoughtfully.

'You've just read about Banana Soup Surprise?' said Goatberger.

'Yes!'

'You wait till you get to Spotted Dick.'

'Well, my old granny used to make Spotted Dick-'

'Not to this recipe,' said Goatberger, with absolute certainty.

Cropper fumbled through the pages. 'Blimey! Do you think any of this

stuff works?'

'Who cares? Go down to the Guild. right now and hire all the engravers

that're free. Preferably elderly ones.'

'But I've still got the Grune, June, August and Spune predictions for

next year's Almanack to-'

'Forget them. Use some old ones.'

'People'll notice.'

'They've never noticed before,' said Mr Goatberger. 'You know the drill.

Astounding Rains of Curry in Klatch, Amazing Death of the Seriph of Ee,

Plague of Wasps in Howondaland. This is a lot more important.'

He stared unseeing out of the window again.

'Considerably more important.'

And he dreamed the dream of all those who publish books, which was to

have so much gold in your pockets that you would have to employ two

people just to hold your trousers up.

The huge, be-columned, gargoyle-haunted face of Ankh-Morpork's Opera

House was there, in front of Agnes Nitt.

She stopped. At least, most of Agnes stopped. There was a lot of Agnes.

It took some time for outlying regions to come to rest.

Well, this was it. At last. She could go in, or she could go away. It was

what they called a life choice. She'd never had one of those before.

Finally, after standing still for long enough for a pigeon to consider

the perching possibilities of her huge and rather sad black floppy hat,

she climbed the steps.

A man was theoretically sweeping them. What he was in fact doing was

moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a

chance to make new friends. He was dressed in a long coat that was

slightly too small for him, and had a black beret perched incongruously

on spiky black hair.

'Excuse me,' said Agnes.

The effect was electric. He turned around, tangled one foot with the

other, and collapsed on to his broom.

Agnes's hand flew to her mouth, and then she reached down.

'Oh, I'm so sorry!'

The hand had that clammy feel that makes a holder think longingly of

soap. He pulled it away quickly, pushed his greasy hair out of his eyes

and gave her a terrified smile; he had what Nanny Ogg called an underdone

face, its features rubbery and pale.

'No trouble miss!'

'Are you all right?'

He scrambled up, got the broom somehow tangled between his knees, and sat

down again sharply.

'Er. . . shall I hold the broom?' said Agnes helpfully.

She pulled it out of the tangle. He got up again, after a couple of false

starts.

Page 4

'Do you work for the Opera House?' said Agnes.

'Yes miss!'

'Er, can you tell me where I have to go for the auditions?'

He looked around wildly. 'Stage-door!' he said. 'I'll show you!' The

words came out in a rush, as if he had to line them up and fire them all

in one go before they had time to wander off.

He snatched the broom out of her hands and set off down the steps and

towards the corner of the building. He had a unique stride: it looked as

though his body were being dragged forward and his legs had to flail

around underneath it, landing wherever they could find room. It wasn't so

much a walk as a collapse, indefinitely postponed.

His erratic footsteps led towards a door in the side wall. Agnes followed

them in.

just inside was a sort of shed, with one open wall and a counter

positioned so that someone standing there could watch the door. The

person behind it must have been a human being because walruses don't wear

coats. The strange man had disappeared somewhere in the gloom beyond.

Agnes looked around desperately.

'Yes, miss?' said the walrus man. It really was an impressive moustache,

which had sapped all the growth from the rest of its owner.

'Er. . . I'm here for the. . . the auditions,' said Agnes. 'I saw a

notice that said you were auditioning-'

She gave a helpless little smile. The doorkeeper's face proclaimed that

it had seen and been unimpressed by more desperate smiles than even Agnes

could have eaten hot dinners. He produced a clipboard and a stub of

pencil.

'You got to sign here,' he said.

'Who was that. . .person who came in with me?'

The moustache moved, suggesting a smile was buried somewhere below.

'Everyone knows our Walter Plinge.'

This seemed to be all the information that was likely to be imparted.

Agnes gripped the pencil.

The most important question was: what should she call herself? Her name

had many sterling qualities, no doubt, but it didn't exactly roll off the

tongue. It snapped off the palate and clicked between the teeth, but it

didn't roll off the tongue.

The trouble was, she couldn't think of one with great rotational

capabilities.

Catherine, possibly.

Or. . . Perdita. She could go back to trying Perdita. She'd been

embarrassed out of using that name in Lancre. It was a mysterious name,

hinting of darkness and intrigue and, incidentally, of someone who was

quite thin. She'd even given herself a middle initial-X-which stood for

'someone who has a cool and exciting middle initial'.

It hadn't worked. Lancre people were depressingly resistant to cool. She

had just been known as 'that Agnes who calls herself Perditax'.

She'd never dared tell anyone that she'd like her full name to be Perdita

X Dream. They just wouldn't understand. They'd say things like: if you

think that's the right name for you, why have you still got two shelves

full of soft toys?

Well, here she could start afresh. She was good. She knew she was good.

Probably no hope for the Dream, though.

She was probably stuck with the Nitt.

Nanny Ogg usually went to bed early. After all, she was an old lady.

Sometimes she went to bed as early as 6 a. m.

Her breath puffed in the air as she walked through the woods. Her boots

crunched on the leaves. The wind had died away, leaving the sky wide and

Page 5

clear and open for the first frost of the season, a petalnipping, fruitwithering little scorcher that showed you why they called Nature a

mother. . .

A third witch.

Three witches could sort of. . . spread the load.

Maiden, mother and. . . crone. There.

The trouble was that Granny Weatherwax combined all three in one. She was

a maiden, as far as Nanny knew, and she was at least in the right agebracket for a crone; and, as for the third, well. . . cross Granny

Weatherwax on a bad day and you'd be like a blossom in the frost.

There was bound to be a candidate for the vacancy, though. There were

several young girls in Lancre who were just about the right age.

Trouble was, the young men of Lancre knew it too. Nanny wandered the

summer hayfields regularly, and had a sharp if compassionate eye and

damn' good over-the-horizon hearing. Violet Frottidge was walking out

with young Deviousness Carter, or at least doing something within ninety

degrees of walking out. Bonnie Quarney had been gathering nuts in May

with William Simple, and it was only because she'd thought ahead and

taken a little advice from Nanny that she wouldn't be bearing fruit in

February. And pretty soon now young Mildred Tinker's mother would have a

quiet word with Mildred Tinker's father, and he'd have a word with his

friend Thatcher and he'd have a word with his son Hob, and then there'd

be a wedding, all done in a properly civilized way except for maybe a

black eye or two.[1] No doubt about it, thought Nanny with a misty-eyed

smile: innocence, in a hot Lancre summer, was that state in which

innocence is lost.

And then a name rose out of the throng. Oh, yes. Her. Why hadn't she

thought of her? But you didn't, of course. Whenever you thought about the

young girls of Lancre, you didn't remember her. And then you said, 'Oh,

yes, her too, of course. O' course, she's got a wonderful personality.

And good hair, of course.'

She was bright, and talented. In many ways. Her voice, for one thing.

That was her power, finding its way out. And of course she also had a

wonderful personality, so there'd be not much chance of her being. . .

disqualified. . .

Well, that was settled, then. Another witch to bully and impress would

set Granny up a treat, and Agnes would be bound to thank her eventually.

Nanny Ogg was relieved. You needed at least three witches for a coven.

Two witches was just an argument.

She opened the door of her cottage and climbed the stairs to bed.

Her cat, the tom Greebo, was spread out on the eiderdown like a puddle of

grey fur. He didn't even awake as Nanny lifted him up bodily so that,

nightdress-clad, she could slide between the sheets.

Just to keep bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that

smelled of apples and happy braindeath. Then she pummelled her pillow,

thought 'Her. . . yes,' and drifted off to sleep.

Presently Greebo awoke, stretched, yawned and hopped silently to the

floor. Then the most vicious and cunning a pile of fur that ever had the

intelligence to sit on a bird table with its mouth open and a piece of

toast balanced on its nose vanished through the open window.

A few minutes later, the cockerel in the garden next door stuck up his

head to greet the bright new day and died instantly mid-'doodle-doo'.

* * *

There was a huge darkness in front of Agnes while, at the same time, she

was half-blinded by the light. Just below the edge of the stage, giant

flat candles floated in a long trough of water, producing a strong yellow

Page 6

glare quite unlike the oil lamps of home. Beyond the light, the

auditorium waited like the mouth of a very big and extremely hungry

animal.

From somewhere on the far side of the lights a voice said, 'When you're

ready, miss.'

It wasn't a particularly unfriendly voice. It just wanted her to get on

with it, sing her piece, and go.

'I've, er, got this song, it's a-'

'You've given your music to Miss Proudlet?'

'Er, there isn't an accompaniment actually, it-'

'Oh, it's a folk song, is it?'

There was a whispering in the darkness, and someone laughed quietly.

'Off you go then. . . Perdita, right?'

Agnes launched into the Hedgehog Song, and knew by about word seven that

it had been the wrong choice. You needed a tavern, with people leering

and thumping their mugs on the table. This big brilliant emptiness just

sucked at it and made her voice hesitant and shrill.

She stopped at the end of verse three. She could feel the blush starting

somewhere around her knees. It'd take some time to get to her face,

because it had a lot of skin to cover, but by then it'd be strawberry

pink.

She could hear whispering. Words like 'timbre' emerged from the

susurration and then, she wasn't surprised to hear, came 'impressive

build'. She did, she knew, have an impressive build. So did the Opera

House. She didn't have to feel good about it.

The voice spoke up.

'You haven't had much training, have you, dear?'

'No.' Which was true. Lancre's only other singer of note was Nanny Ogg,

whose attitude to songs was purely ballistic. You just pointed your voice

at the end of the verse and went for it.

Whisper, whisper.

'Sing us a few scales, dear.'

The blush was at chest-height now, thundering across the rolling acres. .

.

'Scales?'

Whisper. Muffled laugh.

'Do-Re-Mi? You know, dear? Starting low? La-la-lah?'

'Oh. Yes.'

As the armies of embarrassment stormed her neckline, Agnes pitched her

voice as low as she could and went for it.

She concentrated on the notes, working her way stolidly upwards from sealevel to mountaintop, and took no notice at the start when a chair

vibrated across the stage or, at the end, when a glass broke somewhere

and several bats fell out of the roof.

There was silence from the big emptiness, except for the thud of another

bat and, far above, a gentle tinkle of glass.

'Is. . . is that your full range, lass?'

People were clustering in the wings and staring at her.

'No.'

'No.'

'If I go any higher people faint,' said Agnes. 'And if I go lower

everyone says it makes them feel uncomfortable.'

Whisper, whisper. Whisper, whisper, whisper.

'And, er, any other-?'

'I can sing with myself in thirds. Nanny Ogg says not everyone can do

that.'

'Sorry?'

'Up here?

Page 7

'Like. . . Do-Mi. At the same time.'

Whisper, whisper.

'Show us, lass.'

'Laaaaaa'

The people at the side of the stage were talking excitedly.

Whisper, whisper.

The voice from the darkness said: 'Now, your voice projection-'

'Oh, I can do that,' snapped Agnes. She was getting rather fed up. 'Where

would you like it projected?'

'I'm sorry? We're talking about-'

Agnes ground her teeth. She was good. And she'd show them. . .

'To here?'

'Or there?'

'Or here?'

It wasn't that much of a trick, she thought. It could be very impressive

if you put the words in the mouth of a nearby dummy, like some of the

travelling showmen did, but you couldn't pitch it far away and still

manage to fool a whole audience.

Now that she was accustomed to the gloom she could just make out people

turning around in their seats, bewildered.

'What's your name again, dear?' The voice, which had at one point shown

traces of condescension, had a distinct beaten-up sound.

'Ag-Per. . . Perdita,' said Agnes. 'Perdita Nitt. Perdita X. . . Nitt.'

'We may have to do something about the Nitt, dear.'

Granny Weatherwax's door opened by itself.

Jarge Weaver hesitated. Of course, she were a witch. Peopled told him

this sort of thing happened.

He didn't like it. But he didn't like his back, either, especially when

his back didn't like him. It came to something when your vertebrae ganged

up on you.

He eased himself forward, grimacing, balancing himself on two sticks.

The witch was sitting in a rocking chair, facing away from the door.

Jarge hesitated.

'Come on in, Jarge Weaver,' said Granny Weatherwax, 'and let me give you

something for that back of yours.'

The shock made him try to stand upright, and this made something whitehot explode somewhere in the region of his belt.

Granny Weatherwax rolled her eyes, and sighed. 'Can you sit down?' she

said.

'No, miss. I can fall over on a chair, though.'

Granny produced a small black bottle from an apron pocket and shook it

vigorously. Jarge's eyes widened.

'You got that all ready for me?' he said.

'Yes,' said Granny truthfully. She'd long ago been resigned to the fact

that people expected a bottle of something funny-coloured and sticky. It

wasn't the medicine that did the trick, though. It was, in a way, the

spoon.

'This is a mixture of rare herbs and suchlike,' she said. 'Including

suckrose and akwa.'

'My word,' said Jarge, impressed.

'Take a swig now.'

He obeyed. It tasted faintly of liquorice.

'You got to take another swig last thing at night,' Granny went on. 'An'

then walk three times round a chestnut tree.'

'. . .three times round a chestnut tree. . .'

Page 8

'An'. . .an' put a pine board under your mattress. Got to be pine from a

twenty-year-old tree, mind.'

'. . .twenty-year-old tree. . .' said Jarge. He felt he should make a

contribution. 'So's the knots in me back end up in the pine?' he

hazarded.

Granny was impressed. It was an outrageously ingenious bit of folk hokum

worth remembering for another occasion.

'You got it exactly right,' she said.

'And that's it?'

'You wanted more?'

'I. . . thought there were dancin' and chantin' and stuff.'

'Did that before you got here,' said Granny.

'My word. Yes. Er. . . about payin'. . .'

'Oh, I don't want payin',' said Granny. ' 'S bad luck, taking money.'

'Oh. Right.' Jarge brightened up.

'But maybe. . . if your wife's got any old clothes, p'raps, I'm a size

12, black for preference, or bakes the odd cake, no plums, they gives me

wind, or got a bit of old mead put by, could be, or p'raps you'll be

killing a hog about now, best back's my favourite, maybe some ham, a few

pig knuckles. . . anything you can spare, really. No obligation. I

wouldn't go around puttin' anyone under obligation, just 'cos I'm a

witch. Everyone all right in your house, are they? Blessed with good

health, I hope?'

She watched this sink in.

'And now let me help you out of the door,' she added.

Weaver was never quite certain about what happened next. Granny, usually

so sure on her feet, seemed to trip over one of his sticks as she went

through the door, and fell backward, holding his shoulders, and somehow

her knee came up and hit a spot on his backbone as she twisted sideways,

and there was a click-'Aargh!'

'Sorry!'

'Me back! Me back!'

Still, Jarge reasoned later, she was an old woman. And she might be

getting clumsy and she'd always been daft, but she made good potions.

They worked damn' fast, too. He was carrying his sticks by the time he

got home.

Granny watched him go, shaking her head.

People were so blind, she reflected. They preferred to believe in

gibberish rather than chiropracty.

Of course, it was just as well this was so. She'd much rather they went

'oo' when she seemed to know who was approaching her cottage than work

out that it conveniently overlooked a bend in the track, and as for the

door-latch and the trick with the length of black thread. . .[2]

But what had she done? She'd just tricked a rather dim old man.

She'd faced wizards, monsters and elves. . . and now she was feeling

pleased with herself because she'd fooled Jarge Weaver, a man who'd twice

failed to become Village Idiot through being overqualified.

It was the slippery slope. Next thing it'd be cackling and gibbering and

luring children into the oven. And it wasn't as if she even liked

children.

For years Granny Weatherwax had been contented enough with the challenge

that village witchcraft could offer. And then she'd been forced to go

travelling, and she'd seen a bit of the world, and it had made her itchyespecially at this time of the year, when the geese were flying overhead

and the first frost had mugged innocent leaves in the deeper valleys.

Page 9

She looked around at the kitchen. It needed sweeping. The washing-up

needed doing. The walls had grown grubby. There seemed to be so much to

do that she couldn't bring herself to do any of it.

There was a honking far above, and a ragged V of geese sped over the

clearing.

They were heading for warmer weather in places Granny Weatherwax had only

heard about.

It was tempting.

The selection committee sat around the table in the office of Mr Seldom

Bucket, the Opera House's new owner. He'd been joined by Salzella, the

musical director, and Dr Undershaft, the chorus master.

'And so,' said Mr Bucket, 'we come to. . . let's see. . . yes, Christine.

. . Marvellous stage presence, eh? Good figure, too.' He winked at Dr

Undershaft.

'Yes. Very pretty,' said Dr Undershaft flatly. 'Can't sing, though.'

'What you artistic types don't realize is this is the Century of the

Fruitbat,' said Bucket. 'Opera is a production, not just a lot of songs.'

'So you say. But. . .'

'The idea that a soprano should be fifteen acres of bosom in a horned

helmet belongs to the past, like.'

Salzella and Undershaft exchanged glances. So he was going to be that

kind of owner. . .

'Unfortunately,' said Salzella sourly, 'the idea that a soprano should

have a reasonable singing voice does not belong to the past. She has a

good figure, yes. She certainly has a. . . sparkle. But she can't sing.'

'You can train her, can't you?' said Bucket. 'A few years in the chorus.

. .'

'Yes, maybe after a few years, if I persevere, she will be merely very

bad,' said Undershaft.

'Er, gentlemen,' said Mr Bucket. 'Ahem. All right. Cards on the table,

eh? I'm a simple man, me. No beating about the bush, speak as you find,

call a spade a spade-'

'Do give us your forthright views,' said Salzella. Definitely that kind

of owner, he thought. Self-made man proud of his handiwork. Confuses

bluffness and honesty with merely being rude. I wouldn't mind betting a

dollar that he thinks he can tell a man's character by testing the

firmness of his handshake and looking deeply into his eyes.

'I've been through the mill, I have,' Bucket began, 'and I made myself

what I am today-'

Self-raising flour? thought Salzella.

'-but I have to, er, declare a bit of a financial interest. Her dad did,

er, in fact, er, lend me a fair whack of money to help me buy this place,

and he made a heartfelt fatherly request in regard to his daughter. If I

bring it to mind correctly, his exact words, er, were: "Don't make me

have to break your legs." I don't expect you artistes to understand. It's

a business thing. The gods help those who help themselves, that's my

motto.'

Salzella stuck his hands in his waistcoat pockets, leaned back and

started to whistle softly.

'I see,' said Undershaft. 'Well, it's not the first time it's happened.

Normally it's a ballerina, of course.'

'Oh, it's nothing like that,' said Bucket hurriedly.

'It's just that with the money comes this girl Christine. And you have to

admit, she does look good.'

'Oh, very well,' said Salzella. 'It's your Opera House, I'm sure. And

now. . . Perdita. . .?'

They smiled at one another.

Page

10

'Perdita!' said Bucket, relieved to get the Christine business over so

that he could go back to being bluff and honest again.

'Perdita X,' Salzella corrected him.

'What will these girls think of next?'

'I think she will prove an asset,' said Undershaft.

'Yes, if we ever do that opera with the elephants.'

'But the range. . . what a range she's got. . .'

'Quite. I saw you staring.'

'I meant her voice, Salzella. She will add body to the chorus.'

'She is a chorus. We could sack everyone else. Ye gods, she can even sing

in harmony with herself. But can you see her in a major role?'

'Good grief, no. We'd be a laughing-stock.'

'Quite so. She seems quite. . . amenable, though.'

'Wonderful personality, I thought. And good hair, of course.'

She'd never expected it to be this easy. . .

Agnes listened in a kind of trance while people talked at her about wages

(very little), the need for training (a lot), and accommodation (members

of the chorus lived in the Opera House itself, up near the roof).

And then, more or less, she was forgotten about. She stood and watched at

the side of the stage while a group of ballet hopefuls were put through

their delicate paces.

'You do have an amazing voice,' said someone behind her.

She turned. As Nanny Ogg had once remarked, it was an education seeing

Agnes turn around. She was light enough on her feet but the inertia of

outlying parts meant that bits of Agnes were still trying to work out

which way to face for some time afterwards.

The girl who had spoken to her was slightly built, even by ordinary

standards, and had gone to some pains to make herself look even thinner.

She had long blond hair and the happy smile of someone who is aware that

she is thin and has long blond hair.

'My name's Christine!' she said. 'Isn't this exciting?!'

And she had the type of voice that can exclaim a question. It seemed to

have an excited little squeak permanently screwed to it.

'Er, yes,' said Agnes.

'I've been waiting for this day for years!'

Agnes had been waiting for it for about twenty-four hours, ever since

she'd seen the notice outside the Opera House. But she'd be danged if

she'd say that.

'Where did you train?!' said Christine. 'I spent three years with Mme

Venturi at the Quirm Conservatory!'

'Um. I was. . .' Agnes hesitated, trying out the upcoming sentence in her

head. '. . . I trained with. . . Dame Ogg. But she hasn't got a

conservatory, because it's hard to get the glass up the mountain.'

Christine didn't appear to want to question this. Anything she found too

difficult to understand, she ignored.

'The money in the chorus isn't very good, is it?!' she said.

'No.' It was less than you'd get for scrubbing floors. The reason was

that, when you advertised a dirty floor, hundreds of hopefuls didn't turn

up.

'But it's what I've always wanted to do! Besides, there's the status!'

'Yes, I expect there is.'

'I've been to look at the rooms we get! They're very poky! What room have

you been given?!'

Agnes looked down blankly at the key she had been handed, along with many

sharp instructions about no men and an unpleasant not-that-you-needtelling expression on the chorus mistress's face.

'Oh . . . 17.'

Page

11

Christine clapped her hands. 'Oh, goody!!'

'Pardon?'

'I'm so glad!! You're next to me!!'

Agnes was taken aback. She'd always been resigned to being the last to be

picked in the great team game of Life.

'Well. . . yes, I suppose so. . .' she said.

'You're so lucky!! You've got such a majestic figure for opera!! And such

marvellous hair, the way you pile it up like that!! Black suits you, by

the way!!'

Majestic, thought Agnes. It was a word that would never, ever have

occurred to her. And she'd always steered away from white because in

white she looked like a washing-line on a windy day.

She followed Christine.

It occurred to Agnes, as she trudged after the girl en route to her new

lodgings, that if you spent much time in the same room as Christine you'd

need to open a window to stop from drowning in punctuation.

From somewhere at the back of the stage, quite unheeded, someone watched

them go.

People were generally glad to see Nanny Ogg. She was good at making them

feel at home in their own home.

But she was a witch, and therefore also expert at arriving just after

cakes were baked or sausages were made. Nanny Ogg generally travelled

with a string bag stuffed up one knee-length knicker leg-in case, as she

put it, someone wants to give me something.

'So, Mrs Nitt,' she observed, around about the third cake and fourth cup

of tea, 'how's that daughter of yours? Agnes it is to whom I refer.'

'Oh, didn't you hear, Mrs Ogg? She's gone off to Ankh-Morpork to be a

singer.'

Nanny Ogg's heart sank.

'That's nice,' she said. 'She has a good singing voice, I remember. Of

course, I gave her a few tips. I used to hear her singing in the woods.'

'It's the air here,' said Mrs Nitt. 'She's always had such a good chest.'

'Yes, indeed. Noted for it. So. . . er. . . she's not here, then?'

'You know our Agnes. She never says much. I think she thought it was a

bit dull.'

'Dull? Lancre?' said Nanny Ogg.

'That's what I said,' said Mrs Nitt. 'I said we get some lovely sunsets

up here. And there's the fair every Soul Cake Tuesday, regular.'

Nanny Ogg thought about Agnes. You needed quite large thoughts to fit all

of Agnes in.

Lancre had always bred strong, capable women. A Lancre farmer needed a

wife who'd think nothing of beating a wolf to death with her apron when

she went out to get some firewood. And, while kissing initially seemed to

have more charms than cookery, a stolid Lancre lad looking for a bride

would bear in mind his father's advice that kisses eventually lost their

fire but cookery tended to get even better over the years, and direct his

courting to those families that clearly showed a tradition of enjoying

their food.

Agnes was, Nanny considered, quite good-looking in an expansive kind of

way; she was a fine figure of typical young Lancre womanhood. This meant

she was approximately two womanhoods from anywhere else.

Nanny also recalled her as being rather thoughtful and shy, as if trying

to reduce the amount of world she took up.

But she had shown signs of craft ability. That was only to be expected.

There was nothing like that not fitting in feeling to stimulate the old

magical nerves; that was why Esme was so good at it. In Agnes's case this

had manifested itself in a tendency to wear soppy black lace gloves and

Page

12

pale makeup and call herself Perdita plus an initial from the arse of the

alphabet, but Nanny had assumed that would soon burn off when she got

some serious witchcraft under her rather strained belt.

She should have paid more attention to the thing about music. Power found

its way out by all sorts of routes. . .

Music and magic had a lot in common. They were only two letters apart,

for one thing. And you couldn't do both.

Damn. Nanny had rather been counting on the girl.

'She used to send off to Ankh-Morpork for music,' said Mrs Nitt. 'See?'

She handed Nanny several piles of papers.

Nanny leafed through them. Song-sheets were common enough in the Ramtops,

and a singsong in the parlour was considered the third best thing to do

on long dark evenings. But Nanny could see this wasn't ordinary music. It

was far too crowded for that.

'Cosi fan Hita,' she read. 'Die Meistersinger von Scrote.'

'That's foreign,' said Mrs Nitt proudly.

'It certainly is,' said Nanny.

Mrs Nitt was looking expectantly at her.

'What?' said Nanny, and then, 'Oh.'

Mrs Nitt's eyes flickered to her emptied teacup and back again.

Nanny Ogg sighed and laid the music aside. Occasionally she saw Granny

Weatherwax's point. Sometimes people expected too little of witches.

'Yes, indeedy,' she said, trying to smile. 'Let us see what destiny in

the form of these dried-up bits of leaf has in store for us, eh?'

She set her features in a suitable occult expression and looked down into

the cup.

Which, a second later, smashed into fragments when it hit the floor.

It was a small room. In fact it was half a small room, since a thin wall

had been built across it. Junior members of the chorus ranked rather

lower than apprentice scene-shifters in the opera.

There was room for a bed, a wardrobe, a dressing-table and, quite out of

place, a huge mirror, as big as the door.

'Impressive, isn't it?!' said Christine. 'They tried to take it out but

it's built into the wall, apparently!! I'm sure it will be very useful!!'

Agnes said nothing. Her own half-room, the other half of this one, didn't

have a mirror. She was glad of that. She did not regard mirrors as

naturally friendly. It wasn't just the images they showed her. There was

something. . . worrying. . . about mirrors. She'd always felt that. They

seemed to be looking at her. Agnes hated being looked at.

Christine stepped into the small space in the middle of the floor and

twirled. There was something very enjoyable about watching her. It was

the sparkle, Agnes thought. Something about Christine suggested sequins.

'Isn't this nice?!' she said.

Not liking Christine would be like not liking small fluffy animals. And

Christine was just like a small fluffy animal. A rabbit, perhaps. It was

certainly impossible for her to get a whole idea into her head in one go.

She had to nibble it into manageable bits.

Agnes glanced at the mirror again. Her reflection stared at her. She

could have done with some time to herself right now. Everything had

happened so quickly. And this place made her uneasy. Everything would

feel a lot better if she could just have some time to herself.

Christine stopped twirling. 'Are you all right?!'

Agnes nodded.

'Do tell me about yourself?!'

'Er. . . well. . .' Agnes was gratified, despite herself. 'I'm from

somewhere up in the mountains you've probably never heard of. . .'

Page

13

She stopped. A light had gone off in Christine's head, and Agnes realized

that the question had been asked not because Christine in any way wanted

to know the answer but for something to say. She went on: '. . .and my

father is the Emperor of Klatch and my mother is a small tray of

raspberry puddings.'

'That's interesting!' said Christine, who was looking at the mirror. 'Do

you think my hair looks right?!'

* * *

What Agnes would have said, if Christine had been capable of listening to

anything for more than a couple of seconds, was:

She'd woken up one morning with the horrible realization that she'd been

saddled with a lovely personality. It was as simple as that. Oh, and very

good hair.

It wasn't so much the personality, it was the 'but' that people always

added when they talked about it. But she's got a lovely personality, they

said. It was the lack of choice that rankled. No one had asked her,

before she was born, whether she wanted a lovely personality or whether

she'd prefer, say, a miserable personality but a body that could take

size 9 in dresses. Instead, people would take pains to tell her that

beauty was only skin-deep, as if a man ever fell for an attractive pair

of kidneys.

She could feel a future trying to land on her.

She'd caught herself saying 'poot!' and 'dang!' when she wanted to swear,

and using pink writing paper.

She'd got a reputation for being calm and capable in a crisis.

Next thing she knew she'd be making shortbread and apple pies as good as

her mother's, and then there'd be no hope for her.

So she'd introduced Perdita. She'd heard somewhere that inside every fat

woman was a thin woman trying to get out[3] so she'd named her Perdita.

She was a good repository for all those thoughts that Agnes couldn't

think on account of her wonderful personality. Perdita would use black

writing paper if she could get away with it, and would be beautifully

pale instead of embarrassingly flushed. Perdita wanted to be an

interestingly lost soul in plumcoloured lipstick. Just occasionally,

though, Agnes thought Perdita was as dumb as she was.

Was the only alternative the witches? She'd felt their interest in her,

in a way she couldn't exactly identify. It was of a piece with knowing

when someone was watching you, although she had, in fact, occasionally

seen Nanny Ogg watching her in a critical kind of fashion, like someone

inspecting a second-hand horse.

She knew she did have some talent. Sometimes she knew things that were

going to happen, although always in a sufficiently confused way that the

knowledge was totally useless until afterwards. And there was her voice.

She was aware it wasn't quite natural. She'd always enjoyed singing and,

somehow, her voice had just done everything she'd wanted it to do.

But she'd seen the ways the witches lived. Oh, Nanny Ogg was all rightquite a nice old baggage really. But the others were weird, lying

crosswise on the world instead of nicely parallel to it like everyone

else. . . old Mother Dismass who could see into the past and the future

but was totally blind in the present, and Millie Hopwood over in Slice,

who stuttered and had runny ears, and as for Granny Weatherwax. . .

Oh, yes. Finest job in the world? Being a sour old woman with no friends?

They were always looking for weird people like themselves.

Well, they could look in vain for Agnes Nitt.

Fed up with living in Lancre, and fed up with the witches, and above all

fed up with being Agnes Nitt, she'd. . . escaped.

Page

14

Nanny Ogg didn't look built for running, but she covered the ground

deceptively fast, her great heavy boots kicking up shoals of leaves.

There was a trumpeting overhead. Another skein of geese passed across the

sky, so fast in pursuit of the summer that their wings were hardly moving

in the ballistic rush.

Granny Weatherwax's cottage looked deserted. It had, Nanny felt, a

particularly empty feel.

She scurried around to the back door and burst through, pounded up the

stairs, saw the gaunt figure on the bed, reached an instant conclusion,

grabbed the pitcher of water from its place on the marble washstand, ran

forward. . .

A hand shot up and grabbed her wrist.

'I was having a nap,' said Granny, opening her eyes. 'Gytha, I swear I

could feel you comin' half a mile away-'

'We got to make a cup of tea quick!' gasped Nanny, almost sagging with

relief.

Granny Weatherwax was more than bright enough not to ask questions.

But you couldn't hurry a good cup of tea. Nanny Ogg jiggled from one foot

to the other while the fire was pumped up, the small frogs fished out of

the water bucket, the water boiled, the dried leaves allowed to seep.

'I ain't saying nothing,' said Nanny, sitting down at last. Just pour a

cup, that's all.'

On the whole, witches despised fortune-telling from tealeaves. Tea-leaves

are not uniquely fortunate in knowing what the future holds. They are

really just something for the eyes to rest on while the mind does the

work. Practically anything would do. The scum on a puddle, the skin on a

custard. . . anything. Nanny Ogg could see the future in the froth on a

beer mug. It invariably showed that she was going to enjoy a refreshing

drink which she almost certainly was not going to pay for.

'You recall young Agnes Nitt?' said Nanny as Granny Weatherwax tried to

find the milk.

Granny hesitated.

'Agnes who calls herself Perditax?'

'Perdita X,' said Nanny. She at least respected anyone's right to

recreate themselves.

Granny shrugged. 'Fat girl. Big hair. Walks with her feet turned out.

Sings to herself in the woods. Good voice. Reads books. Says "poot!"

instead of swearing. Blushes when anyone looks at her. Wears black lace

gloves with the fingers cut out.'

'You remember we once talked about maybe how possibly she might be. . .

suitable.'

'Oh, there's a twist in the soul there, you're right,' said Granny. 'But.

. . it's an unfortunate name.'

'Her father's name was Terminal,' said Nanny Ogg reflectively. 'There

were three sons: Primal, Medial and Terminal. I'm afraid the family's

always had a problem with education.'

'I meant Agnes,' said Granny. 'Always puts me in mind of carpet fluff,

that name.'

'Prob'ly that's why she called herself Perdita,' said Nanny.

'Worse.'

'Got her fixed in your mind?' said Nanny.

'Yes, I suppose so.'

'Good. Now look at them tea-leaves.'

Granny looked down.

There was no particular drama, perhaps because of the way Nanny had built

up expectations. But Granny did hiss between her teeth.

'Well, now. There's a thing,' she said.

Page

15

'See it? See it?'

'Yep.,

'Like. . .a skull?'

'Yep.'

'And them eyes? I nearly pi-I was pretty damn' surprised by them eyes, I

can tell you.'

Granny carefully replaced the cup.

'Her main showed me her letters home,' said Nanny. 'I brung 'em with me.

It's worrying, Esme. She could be facing something bad. She's a Lancre

girl. One of ours. Nothing's too much trouble when it's one of your own,

I always say.'

'Tea-leaves can't tell the future,' said Granny quietly. 'Everyone knows

that.'

'Tea-leaves don't know.'

'Well, who'd be so daft as to tell anything to a bunch of dried leaves?'

Nanny Ogg looked down at Agnes's letters home. They were written in the

careful rounded script of someone who'd been taught to write as a child

by copying letters on a slate, and had never written enough as an adult

to change their style. The person writing them had also very

conscientiously drawn faint pencil lines on the paper before writing.

Dear Mam, I hope this finds you as it leaves me. Here I am in AnkhMorpork and everything is all right, I have not been ravished yet!! I am

staying at 4 Treacle Mine Road, it is alright and. . .

Granny tried another.

Dear Mum, I hope you are well. Everything is fine but, the money runs

away like water here. I am doing some singing in taverns but I am not

making much so I went to see the Guild of Seamstresses about getting a

sewing job and I took along some stitching to show them and you'd be

AMAZED, that's all I can say. . .

And another. . .

Dear Mother, Some good news at last. Next week they're holding auditions

at the Opera House. . .

'What's opera?' said Granny Weatherwax. 'It's like theatre, with

singing,' said Nanny Ogg.

'Hah! Theatre,' said Granny darkly.

'Our Nev told me about it. It's all singing in foreign languages, he

said. He couldn't understand any of it.'

Granny put down the letters.

'Yes, but your Nev can't understand a lot of things. What was he doing at

this opera theatre, anyway?'

'Nicking the lead off the roof.' Nanny said this quite happily. It wasn't

theft if an Ogg was doing it.

'Can't tell much from the letters, except that's she's picking up an

education,' said Granny. 'But it's a long way to-'

There was a hesitant knock on the door. It was Shawn Ogg, Nanny's

youngest son and Lancre's entire civil and public service. Currently he

had his postman's badge on; the Lancre postal service consisted of taking

the mailbag off the nail where the coach left it and delivering it to the

outlying homesteads when he had a moment, although many citizens were in

the habit of going down to the sack and rummaging until they found some

mail they liked.

He touched his helmet respectfully at Granny Weatherwax.

Page

16

'Got a lot of letters, mum,' he said to Nanny Ogg. 'Er. They're all

addressed to, er, well. . . er. . . you'd better have a look, mum.'

Nanny Ogg took the proffered bundle.

' "The Lancre Witch",' she said aloud.

'That'd be me, then,' said Granny Weatherwax firmly, and took the

letters.

'Ah. Well, I'd better be going. . .' said Nanny, backing towards the

door.

'Can't imagine why peopled be writing to me,' said Granny, slitting an

envelope. 'Still, I suppose news gets around.' She focused on the words.

' "Dear Witch," ' she read, ' "I would just like to say how much I

appreciated the Famous Carrot and Oyster Pie recipe. My husband-" '

Nanny Ogg made it halfway down the path before her boots became,

suddenly, too heavy to lift.

'Gytha Ogg, you come back here right now!'

Agnes tried again. She didn't really know anyone in Ankh-Morpork and she

did need someone to talk to, even if they didn't listen.

'I suppose mainly I came because of the witches,' she said.

Christine turned, her eyes wide with fascination. So was her mouth. It

was like looking at a rather pretty bowling ball.

'Witches?!' she breathed.

'Oh, yes,' said Agnes wearily. Yes. People were always fascinated by the

idea of witches. They should try living around them, she thought.

'Do they do spells and ride around on broomsticks?!'

'Oh, yes.'

'No wonder you ran away!'

'What? Oh. . . no. . . it's not like that. I mean, they're not bad. It's

much. . . worse than that.'

'Worse than bad?!'

'They think they know what's best for everybody.'

Christine's forehead wrinkled, as it tended to when she was contemplating

a problem more complex than 'What is your name?'

'That doesn't sound very ba-'

'They. . . mess people around. They think that just because they're right

that's the same as good! It's not even as though they do any real magic.

It's all fooling people and being clever! They think they can do what

they like!'

The force of the words knocked even Christine back. 'Oh, dear!! Did they

want you to do something?!'

'They want me to be something. But I'm not going to!'

Christine stared at her. And then, automatically, forgot everything she'd

just heard.

'Come on,' she said, 'let's have a look around!!'

Nanny Ogg balanced on a chair and took down an oblong wrapped in paper.

Granny watched sternly with her arms folded.

'Thing is,' Nanny babbled, under the laser glare, 'my late husband, I

remember him once sayin' to me, after dinner, he said, "You know, mother,

it'd be a real shame if all the stuff you know just passed away when you

did. Why don't you write some of it down?" So I scribbled the odd one,

when I had a moment, and then I thought it'd be nice to have it all

properly done so I sent it off to the Almanack people in Ankh-Morpork and

they hardly charged me anything and a little while ago they sent me this,

I think it's a very good job, it's amazing how they get all the letters

so neat-'

'You done a book,' said Granny.

Page

17

'Only cookery,' said Nanny Ogg meekly, as one might plead a first

offence.

'What do you know about it? You hardly ever do any cooking,' said Granny.

'I do specialities,' said Nanny.

Granny looked at the offending volume.

' "The Joye of Snacks," ' she read out loud. ' "Bye A Lancre Witch." Hah!

Why dint you put your own name on it, eh? Books've got to have a name on

'em so's everyone knows who's guilty.'

'It's my gnome de plum,' said Nanny. 'Mr Goatberger the Almanack man said

it'd make it sound more mysterious.'

Granny cast her gimlet gaze to the bottom of the crowded cover, where it

said, in very small lettering, 'CXX viith Printyng. More Than Twenty

Thoufand Solde! One half dollar.'

'You sent them some money to get it all printed?' she said.

'Only a couple of dollars,' said Nanny. 'Damn' good job they made of it,

too. And then they sent the money back afterwards, only they got it wrong

and sent three dollars extra.'

Granny Weatherwax was grudgingly literate but keenly numerate. She

assumed that anything written down was probably a lie, and that applied

to numbers too. Numbers were used only by people who wanted to put one

over on you.

Her lips moved silently as she thought about numbers.

'Oh,' she said, quietly. 'And that was it, was it? You never wrote to him

again?'

'Not on your life. Three dollars, mind. I dint want him saying he wanted

'em back.'

'I can see that,' said Granny, still dwelling in the world of numbers.

She wondered how much it cost to do a book. It couldn't be a lot: they

had sort of printing mills to do the actual work.

'After all, there's a lot you can do with three dollars,' said Nanny.

'Right enough,' said Granny. 'You ain't got a pencil about you, have you?

You being a literary type and all?'

'I got a slate,' said Nanny.

'Pass it over, then.'

'I bin keeping it by me in case I wake up in the night and I get an idea

for a recipe, see,' said Nanny.

'Good,' said Granny vaguely. The slate pencil squeaked across the grey

tablet. The paper must cost something. And you'd probably have to tip

someone a couple of pennies to sell it. . .Angular figures danced from

column to column.

'I'll make another cup of tea, shall I?' said Nanny, relieved that the

conversation appeared to be coming to a peaceful end.

'Hmm?' said Granny. She stared at the result and drew two lines under it.

'But you enjoyed it, did you?' she called out. 'The writin'?'

Nanny Ogg poked her head around the scullery door. 'Oh, yes. The money

dint matter,' she said.

'You've never been very good at numbers, have you?' said Granny. Now she

drew a circle around the final figure.

'Oh, you know me, Esme,' said Nanny cheerfully. 'I couldn't subtract a

fart from a plate of beans.'

'That's good, 'cos I reckon this Master Goatberger owes you a bit more

than you got, if there's any justice in the world,' said Granny.

'Money ain't everything, Esme. What I say is, if you've got your health-'

'I reckon, if there's any justice, it's about four or five thousand

dollars,' said Granny quietly.

There was a crash from the scullery.

'So it's a good job the money don't matter,' Granny Weatherwax went on.

'It'd be a terrible thing otherwise. All that money, matterin'.'

Page

18

Nanny Ogg's white face appeared around the edge of the door. 'He never!'

'Could be a bit more,' said Granny.

14.0pt;mso-ansi-language:EN-GB'>'It never!9 'You just adds up and divides

and that.'

Nanny Ogg stared in horrified fascination at her own fingers.

'But that's a-' She stopped. The only word she could think of was

'fortune' and that wasn't adequate. Witches didn't operate in a cash

economy. The whole of the Ramtops, by and large, got by without the

complications of capital. Fifty dollars was a fortune. A hundred dollars

was a, was a, was. . . well, it was two fortunes, that was what it was.

'It's a lot of money,' she said weakly. 'What couldn't I do with money

like that?'

'Dunno,' said Granny Weatherwax. ' What did you do with the three

dollars?'

'Got it in a tin up the chimney,' said Nanny Ogg.

Granny nodded approvingly. This was the kind of good fiscal practice she

liked to see.

'Beats me why peopled fall over themselves to read a cookery book,

though,' she added. 'I mean, it's not the sort of thing that-'

The room fell silent. Nanny Ogg shuffled her boots.

Granny said, in a voice laden with a suspicion that was all the worse

because it wasn't yet quite sure what it was suspicious of 'It is a

cookery book, isn't it?'

'Oh, yes,' said Nanny hurriedly, avoiding Granny's gaze. 'Yes. Recipes

and that. Yes.'

Granny glared at her. 'Just recipes?'

'Yes. Oh, yes. Yes. And some. . . cookery anecdotes, yes.'

Granny went on glaring.

Nanny gave in.

'Er. . . look under Famous Carrot and Oyster Pie,' she said. 'Page 25.'

Granny turned the pages. Her lips moved silently. Then: 'I see. Anything

else?'

'Er. . . Cinnamon and Marshmallow Fingers. . .page 17. . .'

Granny looked it up.

'And?'

'Er. . .Celery Astonishment. . . page 10.'

Granny looked that up, too.

'Can't say it astonished me,' she said. 'And. . . ?'

'Er. . . well, more or less all of Humorous Puddings and Cake Decoration.

That's all of Chapter Six. I done illustrations for that.'

Granny turned to Chapter Six. She had to turn the book around a couple of

times.

'What one you looking at?' said Nanny Ogg, because an author is always

keen to get feedback.

'Strawberry Wobbler,' said Granny.

'Ah. That one always gets a laugh.'

It did not appear to be obtaining one from Granny. She carefully closed

the book.

'Gytha,' she said, 'this is me askin' you this. Is there any page in this

book, is there any single recipe, which does not in some way relate to. .

. goingson?'

Nanny Ogg, her face red as her apples, seemed to give this some lengthy

consideration.

'Porridge,' she said, eventually.

'Really?'

'Yes. Er. No, I tell a lie, it's got my special honey mixture in it.'

Granny turned a page.

'What about this one? Maids of Honour?'

Page

19

'Weeelll, they starts out as Maids of Honour,' said Nanny, fidgeting with

her feet, 'but they ends up Tarts.'

Granny looked at the front cover again. The Joye of Snacks.

'An' you actually set out to-'

'It just sort of turned out that way, really.'

Granny Weatherwax was not a jouster in the lists of love but, as an

intelligent onlooker, she knew how the game was played. No wonder the

book had sold like hot cakes. Half the recipes told you how to make them.

It was surprising the pages hadn't singed.

And it was by 'A Lancre Witch'. The world was, Granny Weatherwax modestly

admitted, well aware of who the witch of Lancre was; viz, it was her.

'Gytha Ogg,' she said.

'Yes, Esme?'

'Gytha Ogg, you look me in the eye.'

'Sorry, Esme.'

' "A Lancre Witch", it says here.'

'I never thought, Esme.'

'So you'll go and see Mr Goatberger and have this stopped, right? I don't

want people lookin' at me and thinkin' about the Banana Soup Surprise. I

don't even believe the Banana Soup Surprise. And I ain't relishin' going

down the street and hearin' people makin' cracks about bananas.'

'Yes, Esme.'

'And I'll come with you to make sure you do.'

'Yes, Esme.'

'And we'll talk to the man about your money.'

'Yes, Esme.'

'And we might just drop in on young Agnes to make sure she's all right.'

'Yes, Esme.'

'But we'll do it diplomatic like. We don't want people thinkin' we're

pokin' our noses in.'

'Yes, Esme.'

'No one could say I interfere where I'm not wanted. You won't find anyone

callin' me a busybody.'

'Yes, Esme.'

'That was, "Yes, Esme, you won't find anyone callin' you a busybody", was

it?'

'Oh, yes, Esme.'

'You sure about that?'

'Yes, Esme.'

'Good.'

Granny looked out at the dull grey sky and the dying leaves and felt,

amazingly enough, her sap rising. A day ago the future had looked aching

and desolate, and now it looked full of surprises and terror and bad

things happening to people. . .

If she had anything to do with it, anyway.

In the scullery, Nanny Ogg grinned to herself.

Agnes had known a little bit about the theatre. A travelling company came

to Lancre sometimes. Their stage was about twice the size of a door, and

'backstage' consisted of a bit of sacking behind which was usually a man

trying to change trousers and wigs at the same time and another man,

dressed as a king, having a surreptitious smoke.

The Opera House was almost as big as the Patrician's palace, and far more

palatial. It covered three acres. There was stabling for twenty horses

and two elephants in the cellar; Agnes spent some time there, because the

elephants were reassuringly larger than her.

There were rooms behind the stage so big that entire sets were stored

there. There was a whole ballet school somewhere in the building. Some of

Page

20

the girls were on stage now, ugly in woolly jumpers, going through a

routine.

The inside of the Opera House-at least, the backstage inside-put Agnes

strongly in mind of the clock her brother had taken apart to find the

tick. It was hardly a building. It was more like a machine. Sets and

curtains and ropes hung in the darkness like dreadful things in a

forgotten cellar. The stage was only a small part of the place, a little

rectangle of light in a huge, complicated darkness full of significant

machinery. . .

A piece of dust floated down from the blackness high above. She brushed

it off.

'I thought I heard someone up there,' she said.

'It's probably the Ghost!!' said Christine. 'We've got one, you know! Oh,

I said we!! Isn't this exciting?!'

'A man with his face covered by a white mask,' said Agnes.

'Oh?! You've heard about him, then?!'

'What? Who?'

'The Ghost!!'

Blast, thought Agnes. It was always ready to catch her out. Just when she

thought she'd put all that behind her. She'd know things without quite

knowing why. It upset people. It certainly upset her.

'Oh, I. . . suppose someone must have told me. . .'she mumbled.

'He moves around the Opera House invisibly, they say!! One moment he'll

be in the Gods, next moment he'll be backstage somewhere!! No one knows

how he does it!!'

'Really?'

'They say he watches every performance!! That's why they never sell

tickets for Box Eight, didn't you know?!'

'Box Eight?' said Agnes. 'What's a Box?'

'Boxes! You know? That's where you get the best people?! Look, I shall

show you!'

Christine marched to the front of the stage and waved a hand grandly at

the empty auditorium.

'The Boxes!' she said. 'Over there! And right up there, the Gods!'

Her voice bounced back from the distant wall.

'Aren't the best people in the Gods? It sounds-'

'Oh, no! The best people will be in Boxes! Or possibly in the Stalls!'

Agnes pointed.

'Who's down there? They must get a good view-'

'Don't be silly!! That's the Pit!! That's for the musicians!!'

'Well, that makes sense, anyway. Er. Which one's Box Eight?'

'I don't know! But they say if ever they sell seats in Box Eight there'll

be a dreadful tragedy!! Isn't that romantic?!'

For some reason Agnes's practical eye was drawn to the huge chandelier

that hung over the auditorium like a fantastic sea monster. Its thick

rope disappeared into the darkness near the ceiling.

The glass chimes tinkled.

Another flare of that certain power which Agnes did her best to suppress

at every turn flashed a treacherous image across her mind.

'That looks like an accident waiting to happen if ever I saw one,' she

mumbled.

'I'm sure it's perfectly safe!!' trilled Christine. 'I'm sure they

wouldn't allow-'

A chord rolled out, shaking the stage. The chandelier tinkled, and more

dust came down.

'What was that?' said Agnes.

'It was the organ!! It's so big it's behind the stage!! Come on, let's go

and see!!'

Page

21

Other members of the staff were hurrying towards the organ. There was an

overturned bucket nearby, and a spreading pool of green paint.

A carpenter reached past Agnes and picked up an envelope that was lying

on the organ seat.

'It's for the boss,' he said.

'When it's my mail, the postman usually just knocks,' said a ballerina,

and giggled.

Agnes looked up. Ropes swung lazily in the musty darkness. For a moment

she thought she saw a flash of white, and then it was gone.

There was a shape, just visible, tangled in the ropes.

Something wet and sticky dripped down and splashed on the keyboard.

People were already screaming when Agnes reached past, dipped her finger

in the growing puddle, and sniffed.

'It's blood!' said the carpenter.

'It's blood, isn't it?' said a musician.

'Blood!!' screamed Christine. 'Blood!!'

It was Agnes's terrible fate to keep her head in a crisis. She sniffed

her finger again.

'It's turpentine,' said Agnes. 'Er. Sorry. Is that wrong?

Up in the tangle of ropes, the figure moaned.

'Shouldn't we get him down? she added.

Cando Cutoff was a humble woodcutter. He wasn't humble because he was a

woodcutter. He would still have been quite humble if he'd owned five

logging mills. He was just naturally humble.

And he was unpretentiously stacking some logs at the point .where the

Lancre road met the main mountain road when he saw a farm cart rumble to

a halt and unload two elderly ladies in black. Both carried a broomstick

in one hand and a sack in the other.

They were arguing. It was not a raised-voice argument, but a chronic

wrangle that had clearly been going on for some time and was set in for

the rest of the decade.

'It's all very well for you, but it's my three dollars so I don't see why

I can't say how we go.'

'I likes flying.'

'And I'm telling you it's too draughty on broomsticks this time of year,

Esme. The breeze gets into places I wouldn't dream of talking about.'

'Really? Can't imagine where those'd be, then.'

'Oh, Esme!'

'Don't "Oh, Esme" me. It weren't me that come up with the Amusing Wedding

Trifle with the Special Sponge Fingers.'

'Anyway, Greebo don't like it on the broomstick. He's got a delicate

stomach.'

Cutoff noticed that one of the sacks was moving in a lazy way.

'Gytha, I've seen him eat half a skunk, so don't tell me about his

delicate stomach,' said Granny, who disliked cats on principle. 'Anyway.

. . he's been doing It again.'

Nanny Ogg waved her hands airily.

'Oh, he only does It sometimes, when he's really in a corner,' she said.

'He did It in ole Mrs Grope's henhouse last week. She went into see what

all the ruckus was, and he did It right in front of her. She had to have

a lie down.'

'He was probably more frightened than she was,' said Nanny defensively.

'That's what comes of getting strange ideas in foreign parts,' said

Granny. 'Now you've got a cat who-Yes, what is it?'

Cutoff had meekly approached them and was hovering in the kind of halfcrouch of someone trying to be noticed while also not wanting to intrude.

'Are you ladies waiting for the stagecoach?'

Page

22

'Yes,' said the taller of the ladies.

'Um, I'm afraid the next coach doesn't stop here. It doesn't stop until

Creel Springs.'

They gave him a couple of polite stares.

'Thank you,' said the tall one. She turned to her companion.

'It gave her a nasty shock, anyway. I dread to think what he'll learn

this time.'

'He pines when I'm gone. He won't take food from anyone else.'

'Only 'cos they try to poison him, and no wonder.'

Cutoff shook his head sadly and wandered back to his log pile.

The coach turned up five minutes later, coming around the corner at

speed. It drew level with the women--and stopped. That is, the horses tried to stand still and the wheels

locked.

It wasn't so much a skid as a spin, and the whole thing gradually came to

rest about fifty yards down the road, with the driver in a tree.

The women strolled towards it, still arguing.

One of them poked the driver with her broomstick. 'Two tickets to AnkhMorpork, please.'

He landed in the road.

'What do you mean, two tickets to Ankh-Morpork? The coach doesn't stop

here!'

'Looks stopped to me.'

'Did you do something?'

'What, us?'

'Listen, lady, even if I was stopping here the tickets are forty damn'

dollars each!'

'Oh.'

'Why've you got broomsticks?' shouted the driver. 'Are you witches?'

'Yes. Have you got any special low terms for witches?'

'Yeah, how about "meddling, interfering old baggages"?'

Cutoff felt that he must have missed part of the conversation, because

the next exchange went like this:

'What was that again, young man?'

'Two complimentary tickets to Ankh-Morpork, ma'am. No problem.'

'Inside seats, mind. No travelling on the top.'

'Certainly, ma'am. Excuse me while I just kneel in the dirt so's you can

step up, ma'am.'

Cutoff nodded happily to himself as the coach pulled away again. It was

nice to see that good manners and courtesy were still alive.

With great difficulty and much shouting and untangling of ropes far

above, the figure was lowered to the stage.

He was soaked in paint and turpentine. The swelling audience of off duty

staff and rehearsal truants crowded in around him.

Agnes knelt down, loosened his collar and tried to unwind the rope that

had caught around arm and neck.

'Does anyone know him?' she said.

'It's Tommy Cripps,' said a musician. 'He paints scenery.'

Tommy moaned, and opened his eyes.

'I saw him!' he muttered. 'It was horrible!'

'Saw what?' said Agnes. And then she had a sudden feeling that she'd

intruded on some private conversation. Around her there was a babble of

voices.

'Giselle said she saw him last week!'

'He's here!'

'It's happening again!'

'Are we all doomed?!' squeaked Christine.

Page

23

Tommy Cripps gripped Agnes's arm.

'He's got a face like death!'

'Who?'

'The Ghost!'

'What gho-?'

'It's white bone! He has no nose!'

A couple of ballet dancers fainted, but carefully, so as not to get their

clothes dirty.

'Then how does hue' Agnes began.

'I saw him too!'

On cue, the company turned.

An elderly man advanced across the stage. He wore an ancient opera hat

and carried a sack over one shoulder, while his spare hand made the

needlessly expansive gestures of someone who has got hold of some direful

information and can't wait to freeze all nearby spines. The sack must

have contained something alive, because it was bouncing around.

'I saw him! Ooooooh yes! Wi' his great black cloak and his white face

with no eyes but only two holes where eyes should be! Ooohhhh! And-'

'He had a mask on?' said Agnes.

The old man paused and shot her the dark look reserved for all those who

insist on injecting a note of sanity when things are getting

interestingly ghastly.

'And he had no nose!' he went on, ignoring her.

'I just said that,' muttered Tommy Cripps, in a rather annoyed voice. 'I

told them that. They already know that.'

'If he had no nose, how did he sme-' Agnes began, but no one was

listening to her.

'Did you mention about the eyes?' said the old man.

'I was just getting round to the eyes,' snapped Tommy. 'Yes, he had eyes

like-'

'Are we talking about some kind of mask here?' said Agnes.

Now everyone was giving her that kind of look UFOlogists get when they

suddenly say, 'Hey, if you shade your eyes you can see it is just a flock

of geese after all.'

The man with the sack coughed and regrouped. 'Like great holes, they

were-' he began, but it was clear that it had all been spoiled for him.

'Great holes,' he said sourly. 'That's what I saw. And no nose, I might

add, thank you so very much.'

'It's the Ghost again!' said a scene-shifter.

'He jumped out from behind the organ,' said Tommy Cripps. 'Next thing I

knew, there was a rope around my neck and I was upside-down!'

The company looked at the man with the sack, in case he could trump this.

'Great big black holes,' he managed, sticking to what he knew.

'All right, everyone, what's going on here?'

An imposing figure strode out of the wings. He had flowing black hair,

carefully brushed to give it a carefree alfresco look, but the face

underneath was the face of an organizer. He nodded at the old man with

the sack.

'What are you staring at, Mr Pounder?' he said.

The old man looked down. 'I knows what I saw, Mr Salzella,' he said. 'I

see lots o' things, I do.'

'As much as is visible through the bottom of a bottle, I have no doubt,

you old reprobate. What happened to Tommy?'

'It was the Ghost!' said Tommy, delighted to have centrestage again. 'He

swooped out at me, Mr Salzella! I think my leg is broken,' he added

quickly, in the voice of one who is suddenly aware of the time-off

opportunities of the situation.

Page

24

Agnes expected the newcomer to say something like 'Ghosts? There's no

such thing.' He had the kind of face that said that.

Instead, he said, 'Back again, is he? Where did he go?'

'Didn't see, Mr Salzella. He just swooped off again!'

'Some of you help Tommy down to the canteen,' said Salzella. 'And someone

else fetch a doctor-'

'His leg isn't broken,' said Agnes. 'But that's a nasty rope burn on his

neck and he's filled his own ear with paint.'

'What do you know about it, miss?' said Tommy. A paintfilled ear didn't

sound as though it had the possibilities of a broken leg.

'I've . . . er . . . had some training,' said Agnes, and then added

quickly, 'It's a nasty burn, though, and of course there may be some

delayed shock.'

'Brandy is very good for that, isn't it?' said Tommy. 'Perhaps you could

try forcing some between my lips?'

'Thank you, Perdita. The rest of you, go back to what you were doing,'

said Salzella.

'Big dark holes,' said Mr Pounder. 'Big ones.'

'Yes, thank you, Mr Pounder. Help Ron with Mr Cripps, will you? Perdita,

you come here. And you, Christine.'

The two girls stood before the director of music.

'Did you see anything?' said Salzella.

'I saw a great creature with great flapping wings and great big holes

where his eyes should be!!' said Christine.

'I'm afraid I just saw something white up in the ceiling,' said Agnes.

'Sorry.'

She blushed, aware of how useless that sounded. Perdita would have seen a

mysterious cloaked figure or something. . . something interesting. . .

Salzella smiled at her. 'You mean you just see things that are really

there?' he said. 'I can see you haven't been with the opera for long,

dear. But I may say I'm pleased to have a level-headed person around here

for once-'

'Oh, no!' screamed someone.

'It's the Ghost!!' shrieked Christine, automatically.

'Er. It's the young man behind the organ,' said Agnes. 'Sorry.'

'Observant as well as level-headed,' said Salzella. 'Whereas I can see

that you, Christine, will fit right in here. What's the matter, André?'

A fair-haired young man peered around the organ pipes.

'Someone's been smashing things, Mr Salzella,' he said mournfully. 'The

pallet springs and the backfalls and everything. Completely ruined. I'm

sure I won't be able to get a tune out of it. And it's priceless.'

Salzella sighed. 'All right. I'll tell Mister Bucket,' he said. 'Thank

you, everyone.'

He gave Agnes a gloomy nod, and strode off:

'You shouldn't ort to do that to people,' said Nanny Ogg in a vague sort

of way, as the coach began to get up speed.

She looked around with a wide, friendly grin at the now rather

dishevelled occupants of the coach.

'Morning,' she said, delving into the sack. 'I'm Gytha Ogg, I've got

fifteen children, this is my friend Esme Weatherwax, we're going to AnkhMorpork, would anyone like an egg sandwich? I've brung plenty. The cat's

been sleepin' on them but they're fine, look, they bend back all right.

No? Please yourself, I'm sure. Let's see what else we've got. . . ah, has

anybody got an opener for a bottle of beer?'

A man in the corner indicated that he might have such a thing.

'Fine,' said Nanny Ogg. 'Anyone got something to drink a bottle of beer

out of?'

Page

25

Another man nodded hopefully.

'Good,' said Nanny Ogg. 'Now, has anybody got a bottle of beer?'

Granny, for once not the centre of attention as all horrified eyes were

on Nanny and her sack, surveyed the other occupants of the coach.

The express stage went right over the Ramtops and all the way through the

patchwork of little countries beyond. If it cost forty dollars just from

Lancre, then it must have cost these people a lot more. What sort of folk

spent the best part of two months' wages just to travel fast and

uncomfortably?

The thin man who sat clutching his bag was probably a spy, she decided.

The fat man who'd volunteered the glass looked as if he sold things; he

had the unpleasant complexion of someone who'd hit too many bottles but

missed too many meals.

They were huddled together on their seat because the rest of it was

occupied by a man of almost wizardly proportions. He didn't appear to

have woken up when the coach stopped. There was a handkerchief over his

face. He was snoring with the regularity of a geyser, and looked as

though the only worries he might have in the world were a tendency for

small objects to gravitate towards him and the occasional tide.

Nanny Ogg continued to rummage around in her bag and, as was the case

when she was preoccupied, her mouth had wired itself to her eyeballs

without her brain intervening.

She was used to travelling by broomstick. Long distance ground travel was

a novelty to her, so she'd prepared with some care.

'. . .lessee now. . . book of puzzles for long journeys . . . cushion . .

. foot powder . . . mosquito trap. . . phrase book. . . bag to be sick

into. . . oh dear. . .'

The audience, which against all probability had managed to squeeze itself

further away from Nanny during the litany, waited with horrified

interest.

'What?' said Granny.

'How often d'you reckon this coach stops?'

'What's the matter?'

'I should've gone before we left. Sorry. It's the jolting. Anyone know if

there's a privy on this thing?' she added brightly.

'Er,' said the probable spy, 'we generally wait until the next stop, or-'

He stopped. He had been about to add 'there's always the window', which

was a manly option on the bumpier rural stretches, but he stopped himself

in the horrible apprehension that this ghastly old woman might seriously

consider the possibility.

'There's Ohulan just a bit further on the road,' said Granny, who was

trying to doze. 'You just wait.'

'This coach doesn't stop at Ohulan,' said the spy helpfully.

Granny Weatherwax raised her head.

'Up until now, that is,' said the spy.

Mr Bucket was sitting in his office trying to make sense of the Opera

House's books.

They didn't make any kind of sense. He reckoned he was as good as the

next man at reading a balance-sheet, but these were to book-keeping what

grit was to clockwork.

Seldom Bucket had always enjoyed opera. He didn't understand it and never

had, but he didn't understand the ocean either and he enjoyed that, too.

He'd looked upon the purchase as, well, something to do, a sort of

working retirement. The offer had been too good to pass up. Things had

been getting pretty tough in the wholesale cheese-and-milk-derivatives

business, and he'd been looking forward to the quieter climes of the

world of art.

Page

26

The previous owners had put on some good operas. It was only a shame that

their genius hadn't run to bookkeeping as well. Money seemed to have been

taken out of the accounts when anyone needed it. The financial-record

system largely consisted of notes on torn bits of paper saying: 'I've

taken $30 to pay Q. See you Monday. R.' Who was R? Who was Q? What was

the money for? You wouldn't get away with this sort of thing in the world

of cheese.

He looked up as the door opened.

'Ah, Salzella,' he said. 'Thank you for coming. You don't know who Q is,

by any chance?'

'No, Mr Bucket.'

'Or R?'

'I'm afraid not.' Salzella pulled up a chair.

'It's taken me all morning, but I've worked out we pay more than fifteen

hundred dollars a year for ballet shoes,' said Bucket, waving a piece of

paper in the air.

Salzella nodded. 'Yes, they do rather go through them at the toes.'

'I mean, it's ridiculous! I've still got a pair of boots belonging to my

father!'

'But ballet shoes, sir, are rather more like foot gloves,' Salzella

explained.

'You're telling me! They cost seven dollars a pair and they last hardly

any time at all! A few performances! There must be some way we can make a

saving. . . ?'

14.0pt;mso-ansi-language:EN-GB'>Salzella gave his new employer a long,

cool stare. 'Possibly we could ask the girls to spend more time in the

air?' he said. 'A few extra grands jetes?'

Bucket looked puzzled. 'Would that work?' he said suspiciously.

'Well, their feet wouldn't be on the ground for so long, would they?'

said Salzella, in the tones of one who knows for a fact that he's much

more intelligent than anyone else in the room.

'Good point. Good point. Have a word with the ballet mistress, will you?'

'Of course. I am sure she will welcome the suggestion. You may well have

halved costs at a stroke.'

Bucket beamed.

'Which is perhaps just as well,' said Salzella. 'There is, in fact,

another matter that I've come to see you about. . .'

'Yes?'

'It is to do with the organ we had.'

'Had? What do you mean, had?' said Bucket, adding, 'You're going to tell

me something expensive, are you? What have we got now?'

'A lot of pipes and some keyboards,' said Salzella. 'Everything else has

been smashed.'

'Smashed? Who by?'

Salzella leaned back. He was not a man to whom amusement came easily, but

he realized that he was rather enjoying this.

'Tell me,' he said, 'when Mr Pnigeus and Mr Cavaille sold you this Opera

House, did they mention anything. . . supernatural?'

Bucket scratched his head. 'Well. . . yes. After I'd signed and paid. It

was a bit of a joke. They said: "Oh, and by the way, people say there's

some man in evening dress who haunts the place, haha, ridiculous, isn't

it, these theatrical people, like children really, haha, but you may find

it keeps them happy if you always keep Box Eight free on first nights,

haha." I remember that quite well. Handing over thirty thousand dollars

concentrates the memory a bit. And then they rode off: Quite a fast

carriage, now I come to think about it.'

'Ah,' said Salzella, and he almost smiled. 'Well, now that the ink is

dry, I wonder if I might fill you in on the fine detail. . .'

Page

27

'You make yourself useful, Esme Weatherwax,' said the voice from the

bushes, 'by obligin' me and findin' any dock or burdock plants that might

happen to be around out there, thank you very much.'

'Herbs? What're you plannin' with them?'

'I'm plannin' to say, "Thank goodness, big leaves, just what I need." '

Birds sang. The wind rattled the dried seed-heads of moor land flowers.

Granny Weatherwax poked in the ditches to see if there were any

interesting herbs hereabouts.

High over the hills, a buzzard screamed and wheeled.

The coach stood by the side of the road, despite the fact that it should

have been speeding along at least twenty miles away.

At last Granny grew bored, and sidled towards a clump of gorse bushes.

'How're you doing, Gytha?'

'Fine, fine,' said a muffled voice.

'Only I reckon the coach driver is getting a bit impatient.'

'You can't hurry Nature,' said Nanny Ogg.

'Well, don't blame me. You was the one who said it was too draughty on

the broomsticks.'

Some distance from the bushes where Nanny Ogg was communing with Nature

there was, placid under the autumn sky, a lake.

In the reeds, a swan was dying. Or was due to die. There was, however, an

unforeseen snag.

Death sat down on the bank.

NOW LOOK, he said, I KNOW HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO GO. SWANS SING JUST ONCE,

BEAUTIFULLY, BEFORE THEY DIE. THAT'S WHERE THE WORD 'SWANSONG'

ORIGINATES. IT IS VERY MOVING. NOW, LET US TRY THIS AGAIN. . .

He produced a tuning fork from the shadowy recesses of his robe and

twanged it on the side of his scythe.

THERE'S YOUR NOTE. . .

'Uh-uh,' said the swan, shaking its head.

WHY MAKE IT DIFFICULT?

'I like it here,' said the swan.

THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

'Did you know I can break a man's arm with a blow of my wing?'

HOW ABOUT IF I GET YOU STARTED? DO YOU KNOW 'MOONLIGHT BAY'?

'That's no more than a barbershop ditty! I happen to be a swan!'

'LITTLE BROWN JUG'? Death cleared his throat. HA HA HA, HEE HEE HEE,

LITTLE-'That's a song?' The swan hissed angrily and swayed from one crabbed foot

to the other. 'I don't know who you are, sirrah, but where I come from

we've got better taste in music.'

REALLY? WOULD YOU CARE TO SHOW ME AN EXAMPLE?

'Uh-uh!'

DAMN.

'Thought you'd got me there, didn't you,' said the swan. 'Thought you'd

tricked me, eh? Thought I might unthinkingly give you a couple of bars of

the Pedlar's Song from Lohenshaak, eh?'

I DON'T KNOW THAT ONE.

The swan took a deep, laboured breath.

'That's the one that goes "Schneide meinen eigenen Hals-"'

THANK YOU, said Death. The scythe moved.

'Bugger!'

A moment later the swan stepped out of its body and ruffled fresh but

slightly transparent wings.

'Now what?' it said.

THAT'S UP TO YOU. IT'S ALWAYS UP TO YOU.

Page

28

Mr Bucket leaned back in his creaky leather chair with his eyes shut

until his director of music had finished.

'So,' Bucket said. 'Let me see if I've got this right. There's this

Ghost. Every time anyone loses a hammer in this place, it's been stolen

by the Ghost. Every time someone cracks a note, it's because of the

Ghost. But also, every time someone finds a lost object, it's because of

the Ghost. Every time someone has a very good scene, it must be because

of the Ghost. He sort of comes with the building, like the rats. Every so

often someone sees him, but not for long because he comes and goes like

a. . . well, a Ghost. Apparently we let him use Box Eight for free on

every first-night performance. And you say people like him?'

' "Like" isn't quite the right word,' said Salzella. 'It would be more

correct to say that. . . well, it's pure superstition, of course, but

they think he's lucky. Thought he was, anyway.'

And you wouldn't understand a thing about that, would you, you coarse

little cheesemonger, he added to himself. Cheese is cheese. Milk goes

rotten naturally. You don't have to make it happen by having several

hundred people wound up until their nerves go twang. . .

'Lucky,' said Bucket flatly.

'Luck is very important,' said Salzella, in a voice in which pained

patience floated like ice cubes. 'I imagine that temperament is not an

important factor in the cheese business?'

'We rely on rennet,' said Bucket. ,

Salzella sighed. 'Anyway, the company feel that the Ghost is. . . lucky.

He used to send people little notes of encouragement. After a really good

performance, sopranos would find a box of chocolates in their dressingroom, that sort of thing. And dead flowers, for some reason.'

'Dead flowers?'

'Well, not flowers at all, as such. Just a bouquet of dead rose-stems

with no roses on them. It's something of a trademark of his. It's

considered lucky.'

'Dead flowers are lucky?'

'Possibly. Live flowers, certainly, are terribly bad luck on stage. Some

singers won't even have them in their dressing-room. So. . . dead flowers

are safe, you might say. Odd, but safe. And it didn't worry people

because everyone thought the Ghost was on their side. At least, they did.

Until about six months ago.'

Mr Bucket shut his eyes again. 'Tell me,' he said.

'There have been. . . accidents.'

'What kind of accidents?'

'The kind of accidents that you prefer to call. . . accidents.'

Mr Bucket's eyes stayed closed. 'Like. . . the time when Reg Plenty and

Fred Chiswell were working late one night up on the curdling vats and it

turned out Reg had been seeing Fred's wife and somehow-' Bucket swallowed

-'somehow he must have tripped, Fred said, and fallen-'

'I am not familiar with the gentlemen concerned but. . . that kind of

accident. Yes.'

Bucket sighed. 'That was some of the finest Farmhouse Nutty we ever

made.'

'Do you want me to tell you about our accidents?'

'I'm sure you're going to.'

'A seamstress stitched herself to the wall. A deputy stage manager was

found stabbed with a prop sword. Oh, and you wouldn't like me to tell you

what happened to the man who worked the trapdoor. And all the lead

mysteriously disappeared from the roof, although personally I don't think

that was the work of the Ghost.'

'And everyone. . . calls these. . . accidents?'

Page

29

'Well, you wanted to sell your cheese, didn't you? I can't imagine

anything that would depress the house like news that dead bodies are

dropping like flies out of the flies.'

He took an envelope out of his pocket and placed it on the table.

'The Ghost likes to leave little messages,' he said. 'There was one by

the organ. A scenery painter spotted him and . . . .nearly had an

accident.'

Bucket sniffed the envelope. It reeked of turpentine.

The letter inside was on a sheet of the Opera House's own notepaper. In

neat, copperplate writing, it said:

Ahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Aahahaha!

BEWARE!!!!!

Yrs Sincerely,

The Opera Ghost

'What sort of person,' said Salzella patiently, 'sits down and writes a

maniacal laugh? And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure

sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head. Opera can do that

to a man. Look, at least let's search the building. The cellars go on for

ever. I'll need a boat-'

'A boat? In the cellar?'

'Oh. Didn't they tell you about the sub-basement?'

Bucket smiled the bright, crazed smile of a man who was nearing double

exclamation marks himself.

'No,' he said. 'They didn't tell me about the subbasement. They were too

busy not telling me that someone goes around killing the company. I don't

recall anyone saying "Oh, by the way, people are dying a lot, and

incidentally there's a touch of rising damp-" '

'They're flooded.'

'Oh, good!' said Bucket. 'What with? Buckets of blood?'

'Didn't you have a look?'

'They said the cellars were fine!'

'And you believed them?'

'Well, there was rather a lot of champagne. . .'

Salzella sighed.

Bucket took offence at the sigh. 'I happen to pride myself that I am a

good judge of character,' he said. 'Look a man deeply in the eye and give

him a firm handshake and you know everything about him.'

'Yes, indeed,' said Salzella.

'Oh, blast. . . Senor Enrico Basilica will be here the day after

tomorrow. Do you think something might happen to him?'

'Oh, not much. Cut throat, perhaps.'

'What? You think so?'

'How should I know?'

'What do you want me to do? Close the place? As far as I can see it

doesn't make any money as it is! Why hasn't anyone told the Watch?'

'That would be worse,' said Salzella. 'Big trolls in rusty chain mail

tramping everywhere, getting in everyone's way and asking stupid

questions. They'd close us down.'

Bucket swallowed. 'Oh, we can't have that,' he said. 'Can't have them. .

. putting everyone on edge.'

Salzella sat back. He seemed to relax a little. 'On edge? Mr Bucket,' he

said, 'this is opera. Everyone is always on edge. Have you ever heard of

a catastrophe curve, Mr Bucket?'

Seldom Bucket did his best. 'Well, I know there's a dreadful bend in the

road up by-'

Page

30

'A catastrophe curve, Mr Bucket, is what opera runs along. Opera happens

because a large number of things amazingly fail to go wrong, Mr Bucket.

It works because of hatred and love and nerves. All the time. This isn't

cheese. This is opera. If you wanted a quiet retirement, Mr Bucket, you

shouldn't have bought the Opera House. You should have done something

peaceful, like alligator dentistry.'

Nanny Ogg was easily bored. But, on the other hand, she was also easy to

amuse.

'Certainly an interestin' way to travel,' she said. 'You do get to see

places.'

'Yes,' said Granny. 'Every five miles, it seems to me.'

'Can't think what's got into me.'

'I shouldn't think the horses have managed to get faster'n a walk all

morning.'

They were, by now, alone except for the huge snoring man. The other two

had got out and joined the travellers on top.

The main cause of this was Greebo. With a cat's unerring instinct for

people who dislike cats he'd leapt heavily into their laps and given them

the 'young masser back on de ole plantation' treatment. And he'd treadled

them into submission and then settled down and gone to sleep, claws

gripping not sufficiently to draw blood but definitely to suggest that

this was an option should the person move or breathe. And then, when he

was sure they were resigned to the situation, he'd started to smell.

No one knew where it came from. It was not associated with any known

orifice. It was just that, after five minutes' doze, the air above Greebo

had a penetrating smell of fermented carpets.

He was now trying it out on the very large man. It wasn't working. At

last Greebo had found a stomach too big for him. Also, the continuing

going up and down was beginning to make him feel ill.

The snores reverberated around the coach.

'Wouldn't like to come between him and his pudding,' said Nanny Ogg.

Granny was staring out of the window. At least, her face was turned that

way, but her eyes were focused on infinity.

'Gytha?'

'Yes, Esme?'

'Mind if I ask you a question?'

'You don't normally ask if I mind,' said Nanny.

'Doesn't it ever get you down, the way people don't think properly?'

Oh-oh, thought Nanny. I reckon I got her out just in time. Thank goodness

for literature.

'How d'you mean?' she said.

'I means the way they distracts themselves.'

'Can't say I ever really thought about it, Esme.'

'Like. . .s'pose I was to say to you, Gytha Ogg, your house is on fire,

what's the first thing you'd try to take out?'

Nanny bit her lip. 'This is one of them personality questions, ain't it?'

she said.

'That's right.'

'Like, you try to guess what I'm like by what I say. . .'

'Gytha Ogg, I've known you all my life, I knows what you're like. I don't

need to guess. But answer me, all the same.'

'I reckon I'd take Greebo.'

Granny nodded.

' 'Cos that shows I've got a warm and considerate nature,' Nanny went on.

'No, it shows you're the kind of person who tries to work out what the

right answer's supposed to be,' said Granny. 'Untrustworthy. That was a

witch's answer if ever I heard one. Devious.'

Page

31

Nanny looked proud.

The snores changed to a blurt-blurt noise and the handkerchief quivered.

'. . .treacle pudding, with lots of custard. . .'

'Hey, he just said something,' said Nanny.

'He talks in his sleep,' said Granny Weatherwax. 'He's been doing it on

and off.'

'I never heard him!'

'You were out of the coach.'

'Oh.'

'At the last stop he was going on about pancakes with lemon,' said

Granny. 'And mashed potatoes with butter.'

'Makes me feel hungry just listening to that,' said Nanny. 'I've got a

pork pie in the bag somewhere-'

The snoring stopped abruptly. A hand came up and moved the handkerchief

aside. The face beyond was friendly, bearded and small. It gave the

witches a shy smile which turned inexorably towards the pork pie.

'Want a slice, mister?' said Nanny. 'I've got some mustard here, too.'

'Oo, would you, dear lady?' said the man, in a squeaky voice. 'Don't know

when I last had a pork pie-oh, dear. . .'

He grimaced as if he'd just said something wrong, and then relaxed.

'Got a bottle of beer if you want a drop, too,' said Nanny. She was one

of those women who enjoy seeing people eat almost as much as eating

itself.

'Beer?' said the man. 'Beer? You know, they don't let me drink beer. Hah,

it's supposed to be the wrong ambience. I'd give anything for a pint of

beer-'

'Just a "thank you" would do,' said Nanny, passing it over.

'Who's this "they" to whom you refers?' said Granny.

' 'S my fault really,' said the man, through a faint spray of pork

crumbs. 'Got caught up, I suppose. . .'

There was a change in the sounds from outside. The lights of a town were

going past and the coach was slowing down.

The man forced the last of the pie into his mouth and washed it down with

the dregs of the beer.

'Oo, lovely,' he said. Then he leaned back and put the handkerchief over

his face.

He raised a corner. 'Don't tell anyone I spoke to you,' he said, 'but

you've made a friend of Henry Slugg.'

'And what do you do, Henry Slugg?' said Granny, carefully.

'I'm. . . I'm on the stage.'

'Yes. We can see,' said Nanny Ogg.

'No, I meant-'

The coach stopped. Gravel crunched as people climbed down. The door was

pulled open.

Granny saw a crowd of people peering excitedly through the doorway, and

reached up automatically to straighten her hat. But several hands reached

out for Henry Slugg, who sat up, smiled nervously, and let himself be

helped out. Several people also shouted out a name, but it wasn't the

name of Henry Slugg.

'Who's Enrico Basilica?' said Nanny Ogg.

'Don't know,' said Granny. 'Maybe he's the person Mr Slugg's afraid of.'

The coaching inn was a run-down shack, with only two bedrooms for guests.

As helpless old ladies travelling alone, the witches got one, simply

because all hell would have been let loose if they hadn't.

Mr Bucket looked pained.

'I may just be a big man in cheese to you,' he said, 'you may think I'm

just some hard-headed businessman who wouldn't know culture if he found

Page

32

it floating in his tea, but I have been a patron of the opera here and

elsewhere for many years. I can hum nearly the whole of-'

'I am sure you've seen a lot of opera,' said Salzella. 'But. . . how much

do you know about production?'

'I've been behind the scenes in lots of theatres-'

'Oh, theatre,' said Salzella. 'Theatre doesn't even approach it. Opera

isn't theatre with singing and dancing. Opera's opera. You might think a

production like Lohenshaak is full of passion, but it's a sandpit of

toddlers compared to what goes on behind the scenes. The singers all

loathe the sight of one another, the chorus despises the singers, they

both hate the orchestra, and everyone fears the conductor; the staff on

one prompt side won't talk to the staff on the opposite prompt side, the

dancers are all crazed from hunger in any case, and that's only the start

of it, because what is really-'

There was a series of knocks at the door. They were painfully irregular,

as if the knocker were having to concentrate quite hard.

'Come in, Walter,' said Salzella.

Walter Plinge shuffled in, a pail dangling at the end of each arm. 'Come

to fill your coalscuttle Mr Bucket!'

Bucket waved a hand vaguely, and turned back to the director of music.

'You were saying?'

Salzella stared at Walter as the man carefully piled lumps of coal in the

scuttle, one at a time.

'Salzella?'

'What? Oh. I'm sorry. . . what was I saying?'

'Something about it being only the start?'

'What? Oh. Yes. Yes. . . you see, it's fine for actors. There's plenty of

parts for old men. Acting's something you can do all your life. You get

better at it. But when your talent is singing or dancing. . . Time creeps

up behind you, all the. . .' He fumbled for a word, and settled lamely

for 'Time. Time is the poison. You watch backstage one night and you'll

see the dancers checking all the time in any mirror they can find for

that first little imperfection. You watch the singers. Everyone's on

edge, everyone knows that this might be their last perfect night, that

tomorrow might be the beginning of the end. That's why everyone worries

about luck, you see? All the stuff about live flowers being unlucky, you

remember? Well, so's green. And real jewellery worn on stage. And real

mirrors on stage. And whistling on stage. And peeking at the audience

through the main curtains. And using new makeup on a first night. And

knitting on stage, even at rehearsals. A yellow clarinet in the orchestra

is very unlucky, don't ask me why. And as for stopping a performance

before its proper ending, well, that's worst of all. You might as well

sit under a ladder and break mirrors.'

Behind Salzella, Walter carefully placed the last lump of coal on the

pile in the scuttle and dusted it carefully.

'Good grief,' said Bucket; at last. 'I thought it was tough in cheese.'

He waved a hand at the pile of papers and what passed for the accounts.

'I paid thirty thousand for this place,' he said. 'It's in the centre of

the city! Prime site! I thought it was hard bargaining!'

'They'd have probably accepted twenty-five.'

'And tell me again about Box Eight. You let this Ghost have it?'

'The Ghost considers it is his for every first night, yes.'

'How does he get in?'

'No one knows. We've searched and searched for secret entrances. . .'

'He really doesn't pay?'

No.

'It's worth fifty dollars a night!'

'There will be trouble if you sell it,' said Salzella.

Page

33

'Good grief, Salzella, you're an educated man! How can you sit there so

calmly and accept this sort of madness? Some creature in a mask has the

run of the place, gets a prime Box all to himself, kills people, and you

sit there saying there will be trouble?'

'I told you: the show must go on.'

'Why? We never said "the cheese must go on"! What's so special about the

show going on?'

Salzella smiled. 'As far as I understand it,' he said, 'the. . . power

behind the show, the soul of the show, all the effort that's gone into

it, call it what you will. . . it leaks out and spills everywhere. That's

why they burble about "the show must go on". It must go on. But most of

the company wouldn't even understand why anyone should ask the question.'

Bucket glared at the pile of what passed for the Opera House's financial

records.

'They certainly don't understand book-keeping! Who does the accounts?'

'All of us, really,' said Salzella.

'All of you?'

'Money gets put in, money gets taken out. . .' said Salzella vaguely. 'Is

it important?'

Bucket's jaw dropped. 'Is it important?'

'Because,' Salzella went on, smoothly, 'opera doesn't make money. Opera

never makes money.'

'Good grief, man! Important? What'd I ever have achieved in the cheese

business, I'd like to know, if I'd said that money wasn't important?'

Salzella smiled humourlessly. 'There are people out on the stage right

now, sir,' he said, 'who'd say that you would probably have made better

cheeses.' He sighed, and leaned over the desk. 'You see,' he said,

'cheese does make money. And opera doesn't. Opera's what you spend money

on.'

'But. . . what do you get out of it?'

'You get opera. You put money in, you see, and opera comes out,' said

Salzella wearily.

'There's no profit?'

'Profit. . . profit,' murmured the director of music, Scratching his

forehead. 'No, I don't believe I've come across the word.'

'Then how do we manage?'

'We seem to rub along.'

Bucket put his head in his hands. 'I mean,' he muttered, half to himself,

'I knew the place wasn't making much, but I thought that was just because

it was run badly. We have big audiences! We charge a mint for tickets!

Now I'm told that a Ghost runs around killing people and we don't even

make any money!'

Salzella beamed. 'Ah, opera,' he said.

Greebo stalked over the inn's rooftops.

Most cats are nervous and ill at ease when taken out of their territory,

which is why cat books go on about putting butter on their paws and so

on, presumably because constantly skidding into the walls will take the

animal's mind off where the walls actually are.

But Greebo travelled well, purely because he took it for granted that the

whole world was his dirt box.

He dropped heavily on to an outhouse roof and padded towards a small open

window.

Greebo also had a cat's approach to possessions, which was simply that

nothing edible had a right to belong to other people.

From the window came a variety of smells which included pork pies and

cream. He squeezed through and dropped on to the pantry shelf.

Page

34

Of course, sometimes he got caught. At least, sometimes he got

discovered. . .

There was cream. He settled down.

He was halfway down the bowl when the door opened.

Greebo's ears flattened. His one good eye sought desperately for an

escape route. The window was too high, the person opening the door was

wearing a long dress that militated against the old 'through the legs'

routine and. . . and. . . and. . . there was no escape. . .

His claws scrabbled on the floor. . .

Oh no. . . here it came. . .

Something flipped in his body's morphogenic field. Here was a problem a

cat shape couldn't deal with. Oh, well, we know another one. . .

Crockery crashed around him. Shelves erupted as his head rose. A bag of

flour exploded outwards to make room for his broadening shoulders.

The cook stared up at him. Then she looked down. And then up. And then,

her gaze dragged as though it were on a winch, down again.

She screamed.

Greebo screamed.

He grabbed desperately at a bowl to cover that part which, as a cat, he

never had to worry about exposing.

He screamed again, this time because he'd just poured lukewarm pork

dripping all over himself.

His groping fingers found a large copper jelly mould. Clasping it to his

groinal areas, he barrelled forward and fled out of the pantry and out of

the kitchen and out of the dining-room and out of the inn and into the

night.

The spy, who was dining with the travelling salesman, put down his knife.

'That's something you don't often see,' he said.

'What?' said the salesman, who'd had his back to the excitement.

'One of those old copper jelly-moulds. They're worth quite a lot now. My

aunt had a very good one.'

The hysterical cook was given a big drink and several members of staff

went out into the darkness to investigate.

All they found was a jelly-mould, lying forlornly in the yard.

At home Granny Weatherwax slept with open windows and an unlocked door,

secure in the knowledge that the Ramtops' various creatures of the night

would rather eat their own ears than break in. In dangerously civilized

lands, however, she took a different view.

'I really don't think we need to shove the bed in front of the door,

Esme,' said Nanny Ogg, heaving on her end.

'You can't be too careful,' said Granny. 'Supposing some man started

rattlin' the knob in the middle of the night?'

'Not at our time of life,' said Nanny sadly.

'Gytha Ogg, you are the most-'

Granny was interrupted by a watery sound. It came from behind the wall

and went on for some time.

It stopped, and then started again-a steady splashing that gradually

became a trickle. Nanny started to grin.

'Someone fillin' a bath?' said Granny.

'. . .or I suppose it could be someone fillin' a bath,' Nanny conceded.

There was the sound of a third jug being emptied. Footsteps left the

room. A few seconds later a door opened and there was a rather heavier

tread, followed after a brief interval by a few splashes and a grunt.

'Yes, a man gettin' into a bath,' said Granny. 'What're you doin',

Gytha?'

'Seem' if there's a knothole in this wood somewhere,' said Nanny. 'Ah,

here's one-'

Page

35

'Come back here!'

'Sorry, Esme.'

And then the singing started. It was a very pleasant tenor voice, given

added timbre by the bath itself.

'Show me the way to go home, I'm tired and I want to go to bed-'

'Someone's enjoyin' themselves, anyway,' said Nanny.

'-wherever I may roam-'

There was a knock at the distant bathroom door, upon which the singer

slipped smoothly into another language:

'-per via di terra, mare o schiuma-'

The witches looked at one another.

A muffled voice said, 'I've brought you your hot water bottle, sir.'

'Thank you verr' mucha,' said the bather, his voice dripping with accent.

Footsteps went away in the distance.

'-Indicame la strada. . . to go home.' Splash, Splash. 'Good eeeeevening,

frieeeends. . .'

'Well, well, well,' said Granny, more or less to herself. 'It seems once

again that our Mr Slugg is a secret polyglot.'

'Fancy! And you haven't even looked through the knothole,' said Nanny.

'Gytha, is there anything in the whole world you can't make sound

grubby?'

'Not found it yet, Esme,' said Nanny brightly.

'I meant that when he mutters in his sleep and sings in his bath he talks

just like us, but when he thinks people are listening he comes over all

foreign.'

'That's probably to throw that Basilica person off the scent,' Nanny

said.

'Oh, I reckon Mr Basilica is very close to Henry Slugg,' said Granny. 'In

fact, I reckon that they're one and-'

There was a gentle knock at the door.

'Who's there?' Granny demanded.

'It's me, ma'am. Mr Slot. This is my tavern.'

The witches pushed the bed aside and Granny opened the door a fraction.

'Yes?' she said suspiciously.

'Er. . . the coachman said you were. . . witches?'

'Yes?'

'Maybe you could. . . help us?'

'What's wrong?'

'It's my boy. . .'

Granny opened the door further and saw the woman standing behind Mr Slot.

One look at her face was enough. There was a bundle in her arms.

Granny stepped back. 'Bring him in and let me have a look at him.'

She took the baby from the woman, sat down on the room's one chair, and

pulled back the blanket. Nanny Ogg peered over her shoulder.

'Hmm,' said Granny, after awhile. She glanced at Nanny, who gave an

almost imperceptible shake of her head.

'There's a curse on this house, that's what it is,' said Slot. 'My best

cow's been taken mortally sick, too.'

'Oh? You have a cowshed?' said Granny. 'Very good place for a sickroom, a

cowshed. It's the warmth. You better show me where it is.'

'You want to take the boy down there?'

'Right now.'

The man looked at his wife, and shrugged. 'Well, I'm sure you know your

business best,' he said. 'It's this way.'

He led the witches down some back stairs and across a yard and into the

foetid sweet air of the byre. A cow was stretched out on the straw. It

rolled an eye madly as-they entered, and tried to moo.

Granny took in the scene and stood looking thoughtful for a moment.

Page

36

Then she said, 'This will do.'

'What do you need?' said Slot.

'Just peace and quiet.'

The man scratched his head. 'I thought you did a chant or made up some

potion or something,' he said.

'Sometimes.'

'I mean, I know where there's a toad. . .'

'All I shall require is a candle,' said Granny. 'A new one, for

preference.'

'That's all?'

'Yes.'

Mr Slot looked a little put out. Despite his distraction, something about

his manner suggested that Granny Weatherwax was possibly not that much of

a witch if she didn't want a toad.

'And some matches,' said Granny, noting this. 'A pack of cards might be

useful, too.'

'And I'll need three cold lamb chops and exactly two pints of beer,' said

Nanny Ogg.

The man nodded. This didn't sound too toad-like, but it was better than

nothing.

'What'd you ask for that for?' hissed Granny, as the man bustled off.

'Can't imagine what good those'd do! Anyway, you already had a big

dinner.'

'Well, I'm always prepared to go that extra meal. You won't want me

around and I'll get bored,' said Nanny.

'Did I say I didn't want you around?'

'Well. . . even I can see that boy is in a coma, and the cow has the Red

Bugge if I'm any judge. That's bad, too. So I reckon you're planning

some. . . direct action.'

Granny shrugged.

'Time like that, a witch needs to be alone,' said Nanny. 'But you just

mind what you're doing, Esme Weatherwax.'

The child was brought down in a blanket and made as comfortable as

possible. The man followed behind his wife with a tray.

'Mrs Ogg will do her necessary procedures with the tray in her room,'

said Granny haughtily. 'You just leave me in here tonight. And no one is

to come in, right? No matter what.'

The mother gave a worried curtsey. 'But I thought I might look in about

midn-'

'No one. Now, off you go.'

When they'd been gently but firmly ushered out, Nanny Ogg stuck her head

around the door. 'What exactly are you planning, Esme?'

'You've sat up with the dyin' often enough, Gytha.'

'Oh, yes, it's. . .' Nanny's face fell. 'Oh, Esme. . . you're not going

to. . .'

'Enjoy your supper, Gytha.'

Granny closed the door.

She spent some time arranging boxes and barrels so that she had a crude

table and something to sit on. The air was warm and smelled of bovine

flatulence. Periodically she checked the health of both patients,

although there was little enough to check.

In the distance the sounds of the inn gradually subsided. The last one

was the clink of the innkeeper's keys as he locked the doors. Granny

heard him walk across to the cowshed door and hesitate. Then he went

away, and began to climb the stairs.

She waited a little longer and then lit the candle. Its cheery flame gave

the place a warm and comforting glow.

Page

37

On the plank table she laid out the cards and attempted to play Patience,

a game she'd never been able to master.

The candle burned down. She pushed the cards away, and sat watching the

flame.

After some immeasurable piece of time the flame flickered. It would have

passed unnoticed by anyone who hadn't been concentrating on it for some

while.

She took a deep breath and-'Good morning,' said Granny Weatherwax.

GOOD MORNING, said a voice by her ear.

Nanny Ogg had long ago polished off the chops and the beer, but she

hadn't got into bed. She lay on it, fully clothed, with her arms behind

her head, staring at the dark ceiling.

After a while there was a scratching on the shutters. She got up and

opened them.

A huge figure leapt into the room. For a moment the moonlight lit a

glistening torso and a mane of black hair. Then the creature dived under

the bed.

'Oh, deary deary me,' said Nanny.

She waited for a while, and then fished a chop bone off her tray. There

was still a bit of meat on it. She lowered it towards the floor.

A hand shot out and grabbed it.

Nanny sat back.

'Poor little man,' she said.

It was only on the subject of Greebo that Nanny's otherwise keen sense of

reality found itself all twisted. To Nanny Ogg he was merely a larger

version of the little fluffy kitten he had once been. To everyone else he

was a scarred ball of inventive malignancy.

But now he had to deal with a problem seldom encountered by cats. The

witches had, a year ago, turned him into a human, for reasons that had

seemed quite necessary at the time. It had taken a lot of effort, and his

morphogenic field had reasserted itself after a few hours, much to

everyone's relief.

But magic is never as simple as people think. It has to obey certain

universal laws. And one is that, no matter how hard a thing is to do,

once it has been done it'll become a whole lot easier and will therefore

be done a lot. A huge mountain might be scaled by strong men only after

many centuries of failed attempts, but a few decades later grandmothers

will be strolling up it for tea 'and then wandering back afterwards to

see where they left their glasses.

In accordance with this law, Greebo's soul had noted that there was one

extra option for use in a tight corner (in addition to the usual cat

assortment of run, fight, crap or all three together) and that was:

Become Human.

It tended to wear off after a short time, most of which he spent

searching desperately for a pair of pants.

There were snores from under the bed. Gradually, to Nanny's relief, they

turned into a purr.

Then she sat bolt upright. She was some way from the cowshed but. . .

'He's here,' she said.

Granny breathed out, slowly.

'Come and sit where I can see you. That's good manners. And let me tell

you right now that I ain't at all afraid of you.'

The tall, black-robed figure walked across the floor and sat down on a

handy barrel, leaning its scythe against the wall. Then it pushed back

Page

38

its hood. Granny folded her arms and stared calmly at the visitor,

meeting his gaze eye-to-socket.

I AM IMPRESSED.

'I have faith.'

REALLY? IN WHAT PARTICULAR DEITY?

'Oh, none of them.'

THEN FAITH IN WHAT?

'Just faith, you know. In general.'

Death leaned forward. The candlelight raised new shadows on his skull.

COURAGE IS EASY BY CANDLELIGHT. YOUR FAITH, I SUSPECT, IS IN THE FLAME.

Death grinned.

Granny leaned forward, and blew out the candle. Then she folded her arms

again and stared fiercely ahead of her.

After some length of time a voice said, ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE MADE YOUR

POINT.

Granny lit a match. Its flare illuminated the skull opposite, which

hadn't moved.

'Fair enough,' she said, as she relit the candle. 'We don't want to be

sitting here all night, do we? How many have you come for?'

ONE.

'The cow?'

Death shook his head.

'It could be the cow.'

NO. THAT WOULD BE CHANGING HISTORY.

'History is about things changing.'

NO.

Granny sat back.

'Then I challenge you to a game. That's traditional. That's allowed.'

Death was silent for a moment.

THIS IS TRUE.

'Good.'

CHALLENGING ME BY MEANS OF A GAME IS ALLOWABLE.

'Yes.'

HOWEVER. . . YOU UNDERSTAND THAT TO WIN ALL YOU MUST GAMBLE ALL?

'Double or quits? Yes, I know.'

BUT NOT CHESS.

'Can't abide chess.'

OR CRIPPLE MR ONION. I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE RULES.

'Very well. How about one hand of poker? Five cards each, no draws?

Sudden death, as they say.'

Death thought about this, too.

YOU KNOW THIS FAMILY?

No.

THEN WHY?

'Are we talking or are we playing?'

OH, VERY WELL.

Granny picked up the pack of cards and shuffled it, not looking at her

hands, and smiling at Death all the time. She dealt five cards each, and

reached down. . .

A bony hand grasped hers.

BUT FIRST MISTRESS WEATHERWAX - WE WILL EXCHANGE CARDS.

He picked up the two piles and transposed them, and then nodded at

Granny.

MADAM?

14.0pt;mso-ansi-language:EN-GB'>Granny looked at her cards, and threw

them down.

FOUR QUEENS. HMM. THAT IS VERY HIGH.

Page

39

Death looked down at his cards, and then up into Granny's steady, blueeyed gaze.

Neither moved for some time.

Then Death laid the hand on the table.

I LOSE, he said. ALL I HAVE IS FOUR ONES.

He looked back into Granny's eyes for a moment. There was a blue glow in

the depth of his eye sockets. Maybe, for the merest fraction of a second,

barely noticeable even to the closest observation, one winked off.

Granny nodded, and extended a hand.

She prided herself on the ability to judge people by their gaze and their

handshake, which in this case was a rather chilly one.

'Take the cow,' she said.

IT IS A VALUABLE CREATURE.

'Who knows what the child will become?'

Death stood up, and reached for his scythe.

He said, OW.

'Ah, yes. I couldn't help noticing,' said Granny Weatherwax, as the

tension drained out of the atmosphere, 'that you seem to be sparing that

arm.'

OH, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS. REPETITIVE ACTIONS AND SO ON. . .

'It could get serious if you left it.'

HOW SERIOUS?

'Want me to have a look?'

WOULD YOU MIND? IT CERTAINLY ACHES ON COLD NIGHTS.

Granny stood up and reached out, but her hands went straight through.

'Look, you're going to have to make yourself a bit more solid if I'm to

do anything-'

POSSIBLY A BOTTLE OF SUCKROSE AND AKWA?

'Sugar and water? I expect you know that's only for the hard of thinking.

Come on, roll up that sleeve. Don't be a big baby. What's the worst I can

do to you?

Granny's hands touched smooth bone. She'd felt worse. At least these had

never had flesh on them.

She felt, thought, gripped, twisted. . .

There was a click.

OW.

'Now try it above the shoulder.'

ER. HMM. YES. IT DOES SEEM CONSIDERABLY MORE FREE. YES, INDEED. MY WORD,

YES. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

'If it gives you trouble again, you know where I live.'

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

'You know where everyone lives. Tuesday mornings is a good time. I'm

generally in.'

I SHALL REMEMBER. THANK YOU.

'By appointment, in your case. No offence meant. .'

THANK YOU.

Death walked away. A moment later there was a faint gasp from the cow.

That and a slight sagging of the skin were all that apparently marked the

transition from living animal to cooling meat.

Granny picked up the baby and laid a hand on its forehead.

'Fever's gone,' she said.

MISTRESS WEATHERWAX? said Death from the doorway.

'Yes, Sir?'

I HAVE TO KNOW. WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I HAD NOT. . . LOST?

'At the cards, you mean?'

YES. WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?

Granny laid the baby down carefully on the straw, and smiled.

'Well,' she said, 'for a start. . . I'd have broken your bloody arm.'

Page

40

Agnes stayed up late, simply because of the novelty. Most people in

Lancre, as the saying goes, went to bed with the chickens and got up with

the cows.[4] But she watched the evening's performance, and watched the

set being struck afterwards, and watched the actors leave or, in the case

of younger chorus members, head off for their lodgings in odd corners of

the building. And then there was no one else, except Walter Plinge and

his mother sweeping up.

She headed for the staircase. There didn't seem to be a candle anywhere

back here, but the few left burning in the auditorium were just enough to

give the darkness a few shades.

The stairs went up the wall at the rear of the stage, with nothing but a

rickety handrail between them and the drop. Besides leading to the attics

and storeroom on the upper floors, they were also one route to the fly

loft and the other secret platforms where men in flat hats and grey

overalls worked the magic of the theatre, usually by means of pulleys-There was a figure on one of the gantries over the stage. Agnes saw it

only because it moved slightly. It was kneeling down, looking at

something. In the darkness.

She stepped back. The stair creaked.

The figure jerked around. A square of yellow light opened in the

darkness, its beam pinning her against the brickwork.

'Who's there?' she said, raising a hand to shade her eyes.

'Who's that?' said a voice. And then, after a moment, 'Oh. It's. . .

Perdita, isn't it?'

The square of light swung towards her as the figure made its way over the

stage.

'André?' she said. She felt inclined to back away, if only the brickwork

would let her.

And suddenly he was on the stairs, quite an ordinary person, no shadow at

all, holding a very large lantern.

'What are you doing here?' said the organist.

'I. . . was just going to bed.'

'Oh, Yes.' He relaxed a little. 'Some of you girls have got rooms here.

The management thought it was safer than having you going home alone late

at night.'

'What are you doing up here?' said Agnes, suddenly aware that there was

just the two of them.

'I was. . . looking at the place where the Ghost tried to strangle Mr

Cripps,' said André.

,Why?.

'I wanted to make certain everything was safe now, of course.'

'Didn't the stage-hands do that?'

'Oh, you know them. I just thought I'd better make certain.'

Agnes looked down at the lantern.

'I've never seen one like that before. How did you make it light up so

quickly?'

'Er. It's a dark lantern. There's this flap, you see,' he demonstrated,

'so you can shut it right down and open it up again. . .'

'That must be very useful when you're looking for the black notes.'

'Don't be sarcastic. I just don't want there to be any more trouble.

You'll find that you start looking around when-'

'Goodnight, André.'

'Goodnight, then.'

She hurried up the rest of the flights and ducked into her bedroom. No

one followed her.

Page

41

When she'd calmed down, which took some time, she undressed in the

voluminous tent of her red flannel nightdress and got into bed, resisting

any temptation to pull the covers over her head.

She stared at the dark ceiling.

'That's stupid,' she thought, eventually. 'He was on the stage this

morning. No one could move that fast. . .'

She never knew whether she actually got some sleep or whether it happened

just as she was dozing off, but there was a very faint knock at the door.

'Perdita!?'

Only one person she knew could exclaim a whisper.

Agnes got up and padded over to the door. She opened the door a fraction,

just to check, and Christine half-fell into the room.

'What's the matter?'

'I'm frightened!!'

'What of?'

'The mirror!! It's talking to me!! Can I sleep in your room?!'

Agnes looked around. It was crowded enough with the two of them standing

up in it.

'The mirror's talking?'

'Yes!!'

'Are you sure?'

Christine dived into Agnes's bed and pulled the covers over her. 'Yes!!'

she said, indistinctly.

Agnes stood alone in the darkness.

People always tended to assume that she could cope, as if capability went

with mass, like gravity. And merely saying briskly, 'Nonsense, mirrors

don't talk', would probably not be any help, especially with one half of

the dialogue buried beneath the bedclothes.

She felt her way into the next room, stubbing her foot on the bed in the

darkness.

There must be a candle in here, somewhere. She felt for the tiny bedside

table, hoping to start the reassuring rattle of a matchbox.

A faint glimmer from the midnight city filtered through the window. The

mirror seemed to glow.

She sat down on the bed, which creaked ominously under her.

Oh well. . . one bed was as good as another. . .

She was about to lie back when something in the darkness went:. . . ting.

It was a tuning fork.

And a voice said: 'Christine. . . please attend.'

She sat upright, staring at the darkness.

And then realization dawned. No men, they'd said. They'd been very strict

about that, as if opera were some kind of religion. It was not a problem

in Agnes's case, at least in the way they meant, but for someone like

Christine. . . They said love always found a way and, of course, so did a

number of associated activities.

Oh, good grief. She felt the blush start. In darkness! What kind of a

reaction was that?

Agnes's life unrolled in front of her. It didn't look as though it were

going to have many high points. But it did hold years and years of being

capable and having a lovely personality. It almost certainly held

chocolate rather than sex and, while Agnes was not in a position to make

a direct comparison, and regardless of the fact that a bar of chocolate

could be made to last all day, it did not seem a very fair exchange.

She felt the same feeling she'd felt back home. Sometimes life reaches

that desperate point where the wrong thing to do has to be the right

thing to do.

It doesn't matter what direction you go. Sometimes you just have to go.

Page

42

She gripped the bedclothes and replayed in her mind the way her friend

spoke. You had to have that little gulp, that breathless tinkle in the

tone that people got whose minds played with the fairies half the time.

She tried it out in her head, and then delivered it to her vocal cords.

'Yes?! Who's there?!'

'A friend.'

Agnes pulled the bedclothes up higher. 'In the middle of the night?!'

'Night is nothing to me. I belong to the night. And I can help you.' It

was a pleasant voice. It seemed to be coming from the mirror.

'Help me to do what?!'

'Don't you want to be the best singer in the opera?'

'Oh, Perdita is a lot better than me!!'

There was silence for a moment, and then the voice said: 'But while I

cannot teach her to look and move like you, I can teach you to sing like

her.'

Agnes stared into the darkness, shock and humiliation rising from her

like steam.

'Tomorrow you will sing the part of Iodine. But I will teach you how to

sing it perfectly. . .'

Next morning the witches had the interior of the coach almost to

themselves. News like Greebo gets around. But Henry Slugg was there, if

that was indeed his name, sitting next to a very well-dressed, thin

little man.

'Well, here we are again, then,' said Nanny Ogg. Henry smiled nervously.

'That was some good singing last night,' Nanny went on.

Henry's face set in a good-natured grimace. In his eyes, terror waved a

white flag.

'I am afraid Senor Basilica doesn't speak Morporkian, ma'am,' said the

thin man. 'But I will translate for you, if you like.'

'What?' said Nanny. 'Then how come-Ow!'

'Sorry,' said Granny Weatherwax. 'My elbow must have slipped.'

Nanny Ogg rubbed her side. 'I was saying,' she said, 'that he was-Ow!'

'Dear me, I seem to have done it again,' said Granny. 'This gentleman was

telling us that his friend doesn't speak our language, Gytha.'

'Eh? But-What? Oh. But-Ah. Really? Oh. All right,' said Nanny. 'Oh, yes.

Eats our pies, though, when-Ow!'

'Excuse my friend, it's her time of life. She gets confused,' said

Granny. 'We did enjoy his singing. Heard him through the wall.'

'You were very fortunate,' said the thin man primly. 'Sometimes people

have to wait years to hear Senor Basilica-'

'-probably waiting for him to finish his dinner-' a voice muttered.

'-in fact, at La Scalda in Genua last month his singing made ten thousand

people shed tears.'

'-hah, I can do that, I don't see there's anything special about that-'

Granny's eyes hadn't left Henry 'Senor Basilica' Slugg's face. He had the

expression of a man whose profound relief was horribly tempered by a

dread that it wouldn't last very long.

'Senor Basilica's fame has spread far and wide,' said the manager primly.

'-just like Senior Basilica,' muttered Nanny. 'On other people's pies, I

expect. Oh, yes, too posh for us now, just because he's the only man you

could find on an atlas-Ow!'

'Well, well,' said Granny, smiling in a way that everyone except Nanny

Ogg would think of as innocent. 'It's nice and warm in Genua. I expect

Senor Basilica really misses his home. And what do you do, young sir?'

'I am his manager and translator. Er. You have the advantage of me,

ma'am.'

'Yes, indeed.' Granny nodded.

Page

43

'We have some good singers where we come from too,' said Nanny Ogg,

rebelliously.

'Really?' said the manager. 'And where do you ladies come from?'

'Lancre.'

The man politely endeavoured to position Lancre on his mental map of

great centres of music. 'Do you have a conservatory there?'

'Yes, indeed,' said Nanny Ogg stoutly, and then, just to make sure, she

added, 'You should see the size of my tomatoes.'

Granny rolled her eyes. 'Gytha, you haven't got a conservatory. It's just

a big windowsill.'

'Yes, but it catches the sun nearly all day - Ow. . .'

'I expect Senor Basilica is going to Ankh-Morpork?' said Granny.

'We,' said the manager, primly, 'have allowed the Opera House to engage

us for the rest of the season-'

His voice faltered. He'd looked up at the luggage rack. 'What's that?'

Granny glanced up. 'Oh, that's Greebo,' she said.

'And Mister Basilica's not to eat him,' said Nanny.

'What is it?'

'He's a cat.'

'It's grinning at me.' The manager shifted uneasily. 'And I can smell

something,' he said.

' 'S funny,' said Nanny. 'I can't smell a thing.'

There was a change in the sound of the hooves outside, and the coach

lurched as it slowed.

'Ah,' said the manager awkwardly, 'I. . . er. . .I see we're stopping to

change horses. It's a, a nice day. I think I may just, er, see if there's

room on the seats outside.'

He left when the coach stopped. When it started again, a few minutes

later, he hadn't come back.

'Well, well,' said Granny, as they lurched away again, 'it seems there's

just you and me, Gytha. And Senor Basilica, who doesn't speak our

language. Does he, Mr Henry Slugg?'

Henry Slugg took out a handkerchief and wiped his forehead. 'Ladies! Dear

ladies! I beg you, for pity's sake. . .'

'Have you done anything bad, Mr Slugg?' said Nanny. 'Took advantage of

women who dint want to be took advantage of? Stole? (Apart from lead on

roofs and other stuff people wouldn't miss.) Done any murders of anyone

who dint deserve it?'

'No.!'

'He tellin' the truth, Esme?'

Henry writhed under Granny Weatherwax's stare.

'Yes.'

'Oh, well, that's all right, then,' said Nanny. 'I understand. I don't

have to pay taxes myself, but I know all about people not wantin' to.'

'Oh, it's not that, I assure you,' said Henry. 'I have people to pay my

taxes for me. . .'

'That's a good trick,' said Nanny.

'Mr Slugg's got a different trick,' said Granny. 'I reckon I know the

trick. It's like sugar and water.'

Henry waved his hands uncertainly. 'It's just that if they knew. . .' he

began.

'Everything's better if it comes from a long way away. That's the

secret,' said Granny.

'It's. . . yes, that's part of it,' said Henry. 'I mean, no one wants to

listen to a Slugg.'

'Where're you from, Henry?' said Nanny.

'Really from,' said Granny.

Page

44

'I grew up in Rookery Yard in the Shades. They're in Ankh-Morpork,' said

Henry. 'It was a terrible rough place. There were only three ways out.

You could sing your way out or you could fight your way out.'

'What was the third way?' said Nanny.

'Oh, you could go down that little alleyway into Shamlegger Street and

then cut down into Treacle Mine Road,' said Henry. 'But no one ever

amounted to anything who went that way.'

He sighed. 'I made a few coppers singing in taverns and suchlike,' he

said, 'but when I tried for anything better they said "What is your

name?" and I said "Henry Slugg" and they'd laugh. I thought of changing

my name, but everyone in Ankh-Morpork knew who I was. And no one wanted

to listen to anyone called plain Henry Slugg.'

Nanny nodded. 'It's like with conjurers,' she said. 'They're never called

Fred Wossname. It's always something like The Great Astoundo, Fresh From

the Court of the King of Klatch, and Gladys.'

'And everyone takes notice,' said Granny, 'and are always careful not to

ask themselves: if he's come from the King of Klatch, why's he doing card

tricks here in Slice, population seven.'

'The trick is to make sure that everywhere you go, you are from somewhere

else,' said Henry. 'And then I was famous, but. . .'

'You'd got stuck as Enrico,' said Granny.

He nodded. 'I was only going to do it to make some money. I was going to

come back and marry my little Angeline-'

'Who was she?' said Granny.

'Oh, a girl I grew up with,' said Henry, vaguely.

'Sharing the same gutter in the back streets of Ankh-Morpork, kind of

thing?' said Nanny, in an understanding voice.

'Gutter? In those days you had to put your name down and wait five years

for a gutter,' said Henry. 'We thought people in gutters were nobs. We

shared a drain. With two other families. And a man who juggled eels.'

He sighed. 'But I moved on, and then there was always somewhere else to

go, and they liked me in Brindisi. . . and. . . and. . .'

He blew his nose on the handkerchief, carefully folded it up, and

produced another one from his pocket.

'I don't mind the pasta and the squid,' he said. 'Well, not much. . . But

you can't get a .decent pint for love nor money and they put olive oil on

everything and tomatoes give me a rash and there isn't what I'd call a

good hard cheese in the whole country.'

He dabbed at his face with the handkerchief.

'And people are so kind,' he said. 'I thought I'd get a few beefsteaks

when I travelled but, wherever I go, they do pasta especially for me. In

tomato sauce! Sometimes they fry it! And what they do to the squid. . .'

He shuddered. 'Then they all grin and watch me eat it. They think I enjoy

it! What I'd give for a plate of nice roast mutton with clootie

dumplings. . .'

'Why don't you say?' said Nanny.

He shrugged. 'Enrico Basilica eats pasta,' he said. 'There's not much I

can do about it now.'

He sat back. 'You're interested in music, Mrs Ogg?'

Nanny nodded proudly. 'I can get a tune out of just about anything if you

give me five minutes to study it,' she said. 'And our Jason can play the

violin and our Kev can blow the trombone and all my kids can sing and our

Shawn can fart any melody you care to name.

'A very talented family, indeed,' said Enrico. He fumbled in a waistcoat

pocket and took out two oblongs of cardboard. 'So please, ladies, accept

these as a small token of gratitude from someone who eats other people's

pies. Our little secret, eh?' He winked desperately at Nanny. 'They're

open tickets for the opera.'

Page

45

'Well, that's amazin',' said Nanny, 'because we're going to-Ow!'

'Why, thank you very much,' said Granny Weatherwax, taking the tickets.

'How very gracious of you. We shall be sure to go.'

'And if you'll excuse me,' said Enrico, 'I must catch up on my sleep.'

'Don't worry, I shouldn't think it's had time to get far away,' said

Nanny.

The singer leaned back, pulled the handkerchief over his face and, after

a few minutes, began to snore the happy snore of someone who had done his

duty and now with any luck wouldn't have to meet these rather

disconcerting old women ever again.

'He's well away,' said Nanny, after a while. She glanced at the tickets

in Granny's hand. 'You want to visit the opera?' she said.

Granny stared into space.

'I said, do you want to visit the opera?'

Granny looked at the tickets. 'What I want don't signify, I suspect;' she

said.

Nanny Ogg nodded.

Granny Weatherwax was firmly against fiction. Life was hard enough

without lies floating around and changing the way people thought. And

because the theatre was fiction made flesh, she hated the theatre most of

all. But that was it-hate was exactly the right word. Hate is a force of

attraction. Hate is just love with its back turned.

She didn't loathe the theatre, because, had she done so, she would have

avoided it completely. Granny now took every opportunity to visit the

travelling theatre that came to Lancre, and sat bolt upright in the front

row of every performance, staring fiercely. Even honest Punch and Judy

men found her sitting among the children, snapping things like ' 'Tain't

so!' and 'Is that any way to behave?' As a result, Lancre was becoming

known throughout the Sto Plains as a really tough gig.

But what she wanted wasn't important. Like it or not, witches are drawn

to the edge of things, where two states collide. They feel the pull of

doors, circumferences, boundaries, gates, mirrors, masks. . .

. . .and stages.

Breakfast was served in the Opera House's refectory at half-past nine.

Actors were not known for their habit of early rising.

Agnes started to fall forward into her eggs and bacon, and stopped

herself just in time.

'Good morning!!'

Christine sat down with a tray on which was, Agnes was not surprised to

see, a plate holding one stick of celery, one raisin and about a spoonful

of milk. She leaned towards Agnes and her face very briefly expressed

some concern. 'Are you all right?! You look a little peaky!!'

Agnes caught herself in mid-snore.

'I'm fine,' she said. 'Just a bit tired. . .'

'Oh, good!!' This exchange having exhausted her higher mental processes,.

Christine went back to operating on automatic. 'Do you like my new

dress?!' she exclaimed. 'Isn't it fetching?!'

Agnes looked at it. 'Yes,' she said. 'Very. . . white. Very lacy. Very

figure-hugging.'

'And do you know what?!'

'No. What?'

'I already have a secret admirer!! Isn't that thrilling?! All the great

singers have them, you know!!'

'A secret admirer. . .'

'Yes!! This dress!! It arrived at the stage door just now!! Isn't that

exciting?!'

Page

46

'Amazing,' said Agnes, glumly. 'And it's not as if you've even sung. Er.

Who's it from?'

'He didn't say, of course!! It has to be a secret admirer!! He'll

probably want to send me flowers and drink champagne out of my shoe!!'

'Really?' Agnes made a face. 'Do people do that?'

'It's traditional!!'

Christine, boiling over with cheerfulness, had some to share. . .

'You do look very tired!' she said. Her hand went to her mouth. 'Oh!! We

swapped rooms, didn't we!! I was so silly!! And, d'you know,' she added

with that look of half-empty cunning that was the nearest she came to

guile, 'I could have sworn I heard singing in the night. . . someone

trying scales and things?!'

Agnes had been brought up to tell the truth. She knew she should say:

'I'm sorry, I appear to have got your life by mistake. There seems to

have been a bit of a confusion. . .'

But, she decided, she'd also been brought up to do what she was told, not

to put herself first, to be respectful to her elders and to use no

swearword stronger than 'poot'.

She could borrow a more interesting future. Just for a night or two. She

could give it up any time she liked.

'You know, that's funny,' she said, 'because I'm right next door to you

and I didn't.'

'Oh?! Well, that's all right, then!!'

Agnes stared at the tiny meal on Christine's tray. 'Is that all you're

having for breakfast?'

'Oh, yes! I can just blow up like a balloon, dear!! It's lucky for you,

you can eat anything!! Don't forget it's practice in half an hour!'

And she skipped off.

She's got a head full of air, Agnes thought. I'm sure she doesn't mean to

say anything hurtful.

But, deep inside her, Perdita X Dream thought a rude word.

Mrs Plinge took her broom out of the cleaning cupboard, and turned.

'Walter!'

Her voice echoed around the empty stage.

'Walter?'

She tapped the broom-handle warily. Walter had a routine. It had taken

her years to train him into it. It wasn't like him not to be in the right

place at the right time.

She shook her head, and started work. She could see it'd be a mop job

later. It would probably be ages before they got rid of the smell of

turpentine.

Someone came walking across the stage. They were whistling.

Mrs Plinge was shocked.

'Mr Pounder!'

The Opera House's professional rat catcher stopped, and lowered his

struggling sack. Mr Pounder wore an old opera hat to show that he was a

cut above your normal rodent operative, and its brim was thick with wax

and the old candle ends he used to light his way through the darker

cellars.

He'd worked among the rats so long that there was something rat-like

about him now. His face seemed to be merely a rearward extension of his

nose. His moustache was bristly. His front teeth were prominent. People

found themselves looking for his tail.

'What's that, Mrs Plinge?'

'You know you mustn't whistle on stage! That's terrible bad luck!'

'Ah, well, it's 'cos of good luck, Mrs Plinge. Oh, yes! If you did know

what I d'know, you'd be a happy man, too. O' course, in your case you'd

Page

47

be a happy woman, on account of you being a woman. Ah! Some of the things

I've seen, Mrs Plinge!'

'Found gold down there, Mr Pounder?'

Mrs Plinge knelt down carefully to scrape away a spot of paint.

Mr Pounder picked up his sack and continued on his way.

'Could be gold, Mrs Plinge. Ah. Could very well be gold-'

It took a moment for Mrs Plinge to coax her arthritic knees into letting

her stand up and shuffle around.

'Pardon, Mr Pounder?' she said.

Somewhere in the distance, there was a soft thump as a bundle of sandbags

landed gently on the boards.

The stage was big and bare and empty, except for a sack which was

scuttling determinedly for freedom.

Mrs Plinge looked both ways very carefully.

'Mr Pounder? Are you there?'

It suddenly seemed to her that the stage was even bigger and even more

distinctly empty than before.

'Mr Pounder? Cooo-eee?'

She craned around.

'Hello? Mr Pounder?'

Something floated down from above and landed beside her.

It was a grubby black hat, with candle ends around the brim.

She looked up.

'Mr Pounder?' she said.

Mr Pounder was used to darkness. It held no fears for him. And he'd

always prided himself on his night vision. If there was any light at all,

any speck, any glimmer of phosphorescent rot, he could make use of it.

His candled hat was as much for show as anything else.

His candled hat. . . he'd thought I He'd lost it but, it was strange,

here it was, still on his head. Yes, indeed. He rubbed his throat

thoughtfully. There was something important he couldn't quite remember. .

.

It was very dark.

SQUEAK?

He looked up.

Standing in the air, at eye-level, was a robed figure about six inches

high. A bony nose, with bent grey whiskers, protruded from the hood. Tiny

skeletal fingers gripped a very small scythe.

Mr Pounder nodded thoughtfully to himself. You didn't rise to membership

of the Inner Circle of the Guild of Rat catchers without hearing a few

whispered rumours. Rats had their own Death, they said, as well as their

own kings, parliaments and nations. No human had ever seen it, though.

Up until now.

He felt honoured. He'd won the Golden Mallet for most rats caught every

year for the past five years, but he respected them, as a soldier. might

respect a cunning and valiant enemy.

'Er. . . I'm dead, aren't I. . . ?'

SQUEAK.

Mr Pounder felt that many eyes were watching him. Many small, shining

eyes.

'And. . . what happens now?'

SQUEAK.

The soul of Mr Pounder looked at his hands. They seemed to be elongating,

and getting hairier. He could feel his ears growing, and a certain rather

embarrassing elongation happening at the base of his spine. He'd spent

most of his life in a single-minded activity in dark places, yet even so.

. .

Page

48

'But I don't believe in reincarnation!' he protested.

SQUEAK.

And this, Mr Pounder understood with absolute rodent clarity, meant:

reincarnation believes in you.

Mr Bucket went through his mail very carefully, and finally breathed out

when the pile failed to disgorge another letter with the Opera House

crest.

He sat back and pulled open his desk drawer for a pen.

There was an envelope there.

He stared at it, and then slowly picked up his paperknife.

Sliiiiit . . .

. . .rustle. . .

I will be obliged if Christine sings the role of Iodine in 'La Triviata'

tonight.

The weather continues fine. I trust you are well.

Yrs.

The Opera Ghost

'Mr Salzella! Mr Salzella!'

Bucket pushed back his chair and hurried to the door, opening it just in

time to confront a ballerina, who screamed at him.

Since his nerves were already strained, he responded by screaming back at

her. This seemed to have the effect that usually a wet flannel or a slap

was necessary to achieve. She stopped and gave him an affronted look.

'He's struck again, hasn't he!' moaned Bucket.

'He's here! It's the Ghost!' said the girl, determined to get the line

out even though it was not required.

'Yes, yes, I think I know,' muttered Bucket. 'I just hope it wasn't

anybody expensive.'

He stopped halfway along the corridor and then spun around. The girl

cringed away from his wavering finger.

'At least stand on tiptoe!' he shouted. 'You probably cost me a dollar

just running up here!'

There was a crowd in a huddle on the stage. In the centre was that new

girl, the fat one, kneeling down and comforting an old woman. Bucket

vaguely recognized the latter. She was one of the staff that had come

with the Opera House, as much part of the whole thing as the rats or the

gargoyles that infested the rooftops.

She was holding something in front of her. 'It just fell out of the

flies,' she said. 'His poor hat!'

Bucket looked up. As his eyes grew accustomed to the darkness he made out

a shape up among the battens, spinning slowly. . .

'Oh, dear,' he said. 'And I thought he'd written such a polite letter. .

.'

'Really? Then now read this one,' said Salzella, coming up behind him.

'Must I?'

'It's addressed to you.'

Bucket unfolded the piece of paper.

Ahahahaha!

Yrs.

The Opera Ghost

PS: Ahahahaha!!!!

He gave Salzella an agonized look. 'Who's the poor fellow up there?'

Page

49

'Mr Pounder, the rat catcher. Rope dropped around his neck, other end

attached to some sandbags. They went down. He went. . . up.'

'I don't understand! Is this man mad?'

Salzella put an arm around his shoulders and led him away from the crowd.

'Well, now,' he said, as kindly as he could. 'A man who wears evening

dress all the time, lurks in the shadows and occasionally kills people.

Then he sends little notes, writing maniacal laughter. Five exclamation

marks again, I notice. We have to ask ourselves: is this the career of a

sane man?'

'But why is he doing it?' wailed Bucket.

'That is only a relevant question if he is sane,' said Salzella calmly.

'He may be doing it because the little yellow pixies tell him to.'

'Sane? How can he be sane?' said Bucket. 'You were right, you know. The

atmosphere in this placed drive anyone crazy. I very well may be the only

one here with both feet on the ground!' He turned. His eyes narrowed when

he saw a group of, chorus girls whispering nervously.

'You girls! Don't just stand there! Let's see you jump up and down!' he

rasped. 'On one leg!'

He turned back to Salzella. 'What was I saying?'

'You were saying,' said Salzella, 'that you have both feet on. the

ground. Unlike the corps de ballet. And the corpse de Mr Pounder.'

'I think that comment was in rather poor taste,' said Bucket coldly.

'My view,' said the director of music, 'is that we should shut down, get

all the able-bodied men together, issue them with torches, go through

this place from top to bottom, flush him out, chase him through the city,

catch him and beat him to a pulp, and then throw what's left into the

river. It's the only way to be sure.'

'You know we can't afford to shut down,' Bucket said. 'We seem to make

thousands a week but we seem to spend thousands a week, too. I'm sure I

don't know where it goes-I thought running this place was just a matter

of getting bums on seats, but every time I look up there's a bum spinning

gently in the air-What's he going to do next, I ask myself-'

They looked at one another and then, as if pulled by some kind of animal

magnetism, their gazes turned and flew out over the auditorium until they

found the huge, glittering bulk of the chandelier.

'Oh, no. . .' moaned Bucket. 'He wouldn't, would he? That would shut us

down.'

Salzella sighed. 'Look, it weighs more than a ton,' he said. 'The

supporting rope is thicker than your arm. The winch is padlocked when

it's not in use. It's safe.'

They looked at one another.

'I'll have a man guard it every minute there's a performance,' said

Salzella. 'I'll do it personally, if you like.'

'And he wants Christine to sing Iodine tonight! She's got a voice like a

whistle!'

Salzella raised his eyebrows. 'That at least is not ,a problem, is it?'

he said.

'Isn't it? It's a key role!'

Salzella put his arm around the owner's shoulders. 'I think perhaps it is

time for you to explore a few more little-known corners of the wonderful

world that is opera,' he said.

The stagecoach rolled to. a halt in Sator Square, Ankh-Morpork. The coach

agent was waiting impatiently.

'You're fifteen hours late, Mr Reever!' he shouted.

The coach-driver nodded impassively. He laid the reins down, jumped off

the box, and inspected the horses. There was a certain woodenness about

his movements.

Page

50

Passengers were grabbing their baggage and hurrying away.

'Well?' said the agent.

'We had a picnic,' said the coach-driver. His face was grey.

'You stopped for a picnic?'

'And a bit of a singsong,' said the driver, pulling the horses' feedbags

from under the seat.

'You are telling me that you stopped the mail coach for a picnic and a

singsong?'

'Oh, and the cat got stuck up a tree.' He sucked his hand, and the agent

noticed that a handkerchief was tied around it.

A hazy look of recollection clouded the driver's eyes. 'And then there

were the stories,' he said.

'What stories?'

'The little fat one said everyone had to tell a story to help pass the

time.'

'Yes? Well? I don't see how that could slow you down!'

'You should've heard her story. The one about the very tall man and the

piano? I was so embarrassed I fell off the coach. I wouldn't use words

like that even to my own dear grandmother!'

'And of course,' said the agent, who prided himself on his ironic

approach, 'the word timetable never crossed your mind while all this was

going on?'

The driver turned to look directly at him for the first time. The agent

took a step back. Here was a man who had hang-glided over Hell.

'You tell them,' said the driver, and walked away.

The agent stared after him, and then walked around to the door.

A small man with a hunted look climbed out, dragging a huge fat man

behind him and gabbling urgently in a language the agent didn't

understand.

And then the agent was left alone with a coach and horses and an

expanding circle of hurrying passengers.

He opened the door and peered inside.

'Good morning, mister,' said Nanny Ogg.

He looked, in some puzzlement, from her to Granny Weatherwax.

'Is everything all right, ladies?'

'Very nice journey,' said Nanny Ogg, taking his arm. 'We shall def'nitly

patronize you another time.'

'The driver seemed to think there was a problem. . .,

'Problem?' said Granny. 'I didn't notice any problems. Did you, Gytha?'

'He could've been a bit quicker fetching the ladder,' said Nanny,

climbing down. 'And I'm sure he muttered something under his breath that

time we stopped to admire the view. But I'm prepared to be gracious about

it.'

'You stopped to admire the view?' said the agent. 'When?'

'Oh, several times,' said Nanny. 'No sense in rushing around the whole

time, is there? More haste less speed, ekcetra. Could you point us in the

direction of Elm Street? Only we've lodgings at Mrs Palm's. Our Nev

speaks highly of the place, he says no one ever looked for him there. .

.'

The agent stepped back, as people generally did in the face of Nanny's

pump-action chatter.

'Elm Street?' he stuttered. 'But. . . respectable ladies shouldn't go

there. . .'

Nanny patted him on the shoulder. 'That's good,' she said. 'That way we

won't run into anyone we know.'

As Granny walked past the horses they tried to hide behind the coach.

Page

51

Bucket smiled brightly. There were little beads of sweat around the edges

of his face.

'Ah, Perdita,' he said. 'Do sit down, lass. Er. You are enjoying your

time with us so far?'

'Yes, thank you, Mr Bucket,' said Agnes dutifully. 'Good. That's good.

Isn't that good, Mr Salzella? Don't you think that's good, Dr

Undershaft?'

Agnes looked at the three worried faces.

'We're all very pleased,' said Mr Bucket. 'And, er, well, we have an

amazing offer for you which I'm sure will help you to enjoy it even

more.'

Agnes watched the assembled faces. 'Yes?' she said guardedly.

'I know you, er, have only been with us hardly any time but we have

decided to, er'-Bucket swallowed, and glanced at the other two for moral

support-'let you sing the part of Iodine in tonight's production of La

Triviata.'

'Yes?'

'Um. It isn't the major role but of course it does include the famous

"Departure" aria. . .'

'Oh. Yes?'

'Er. . . there is, er. . . that is, er. . .' Bucket gave up and looked

helplessly at his director of music. 'Mr Salzella?'

Salzella leaned forward. 'What in fact we would like you to do. . .

Perdita. . . is sing the role, indeed, but not, in fact. . . play the

role.'

Agnes listened while they explained. She'd stand in the chorus, just

behind Christine. Christine would be told to sing very softly. It had

been done dozens of times before, Salzella explained. It was done far

more often than the audiences ever realized-when singers had a sore

throat, or had completely dried, or had turned up so drunk they could

barely stand, or, in one notorious instance many years previously, had

died in the interval and subsequently sung their famous aria by means of

a broom-handle stuck up their back and their jaw operated with a piece of

string.

It wasn't immoral. The show had to go on.

The ring of desperately grinning faces watched her.

I could just walk away, she thought. Walk away from these grinning faces

and the mysterious Ghost. They couldn't stop me.

But there's nowhere to walk to except back.

'Yes, er, yes,' she said. 'I'm very. . . er. . . but why do it like this?

Couldn't I simply take her place and sing the part?'

The men looked at one another, and then all started talking at once.

'Yes, but you see, Christine is. . . has. . . more stage experience-'

'-technical grasp-'

'-stage presence-'

'-apparent lyrical ability-'

'-fits the costume-'

Agnes looked down at her big hands. She could feel the blush advancing

like a barbarian horde, burning everything as it came.

'We would like you, as it were,' said Bucket, 'to ghost the part. . .'

'Ghost?' said Agnes.

'It's a stage term,' said Salzella.

'Oh, I see,' said Agnes. 'Yes. Well, of course. I shall certainly do my

best.'

'Jolly good,' said Bucket. 'We won't forget this. And I'm certain a very

suitable part for you will come along very soon. See Dr Undershaft this

afternoon and he will take you through the role.'

'Er. I know it quite well, I think,' said Agnes, uncertainly.

Page

52

'Really? How?'

'I've been. . . taking lessons.'

'That is good, lass,' said Mr Bucket. 'Shows keenness. We're very

impressed. But see Dr Undershaft in any case. . .'

Agnes got up and, still looking down, trooped out.

Undershaft sighed and shook his head.

'Poor child,' he said. 'Born too late. Opera used to be just about

voices. You know, I remember the days of the great sopranos. Dame

Violetta Gigh, Dame Clarissa Extendo. . . whatever became of them, I

sometimes wonder.'

'Didn't the climate change?' said Salzella nastily.

'There goes a figure that should prompt a revival of The Ring of the

Nibelungingung,' Undershaft went on. 'Now that was an opera.'

'Three days of gods shouting at one another and twenty minutes of

memorable tunes?' said Salzella. 'No, thank you very much.'

'But can't you hear her singing Hildabrun, leader of the Valkyries?'

'Yes. Oh, yes. But unfortunately I can also hear her singing Nobbo the

dwarf and lo, Chief of the Gods.'

'Those were the days,' said Undershaft sadly, shaking his head. 'We had

proper opera then. I recall when Dame Veritasi stuffed a musician into

his own tuba for yawning-'

'Yes, yes, but this is the Century of the Fruitbat,' said Salzella,

standing up. He glanced at the door again, and shook his head.

'Amazing,' he said. 'Do you think she knows how fat she is?'

The door of Mrs Palm's discreet establishment opened at Granny's knock.

The person on the other side was a young woman. Very obviously a young

woman. There was no possible way that she could have been mistaken for a

young man in any language, especially Braille.

Nanny peered around the young lady's powdered shoulder at the red plush

and gilt interior beyond, and then up at Granny Weatherwax's impassive

face, and then back at the young lady.

'I'll tan our Nev's hide when I get home,' she muttered. 'Come away,

Esme, you don't want to go in there. It'd take too long to explain-'

'Why, Granny Weatherwax!' said the girl happily. 'And who's this?'

Nanny looked up at Granny, whose expression hadn't changed.

'Nanny Ogg,' Nanny said eventually. 'Yes, I'm Nanny Ogg. Nev's mum,' she

added darkly. 'Yes, indeed. Yes. On account of me bein' a'-the words

'respectable widow woman' tried to range themselves in her vocal cords,

and shrivelled at the sheer enormity of the falsehood, forcing her to

settle for 'mother to him. Nev. Yes. Nev's mum.'

'Hello, Colette,' said Granny. 'What fascinatin' earrings you are

wearing. Is Mrs Palm at home?'

'She's always at home to important visitors,' said Colette. 'Do come in,

everyone will be so pleased to see you again!'

There were cries of welcome as Granny stepped into the scarlet gloom.

'What? You've been here before?' said Nanny, eyeing the pink flesh and

white late that made up much of the scenery.

'Oh, yes. Mrs Palm is an old friend. Practic'ly a witch.'

'You. . . you do know what kind of place this is, do you, Esme?' said

Nanny Ogg. She felt curiously annoyed. She'd happily give way to Granny's

expertise in the worlds of mind and magic, but she felt very strongly

that there were some more specialized areas that were definitely Ogg

territory, and Granny Weatherwax had no business even to know what they

were.

'Oh, yes,' said Granny, calmly.

Nanny's patience gave out. 'It's a house of ill repute, is what it is!'

Page

53

'On the contrary,' said Granny. 'I believe people speak very highly of

it.'

'You knew? And you never told me?'

Granny raised an ironic eyebrow. 'The lady who invented the Strawberry

Wobbler?'

'Well, yes, but-'

'We all live life the best way we can, Gytha. And there's a lot of people

who think witches are bad.'

'Yes, but-'

'Before you criticize someone, Gytha, walk a mile in their shoes,' said

Granny, with a faint smile.

'In those shoes she was wearin', I'd twist my ankle,' said Nanny,

gritting her teeth. 'I'd need a ladder just to get in 'em.' It was

infuriating, the way Granny tricked you into reading her half of the

dialogue. And opened your mind to yourself in unexpected ways.

'And it's a welcoming place and the beds are soft,' said Granny.

'Warm too, I expect,' said Nanny Ogg, giving in. 'And there's always a

friendly light in the window.'

'Dear me, Gytha Ogg. I always thought you were unshockable.'

'Shockable, no,' said Nanny. 'Easily surprised, yes.

Dr Undershaft the chorus master peered at Agnes over the top of his halfmoon spectacles.

'The, um, "Departure" aria, as it is known,' he said, 'is quite a little

masterpiece. Not one of the great operatic highlights, but very memorable

nevertheless.'

His eyes misted over. ' "Questa maledetta" sings Iodine, as she tells

Peccadillo how hard it is for her to leave him. . . "Questa maledetta

porta si blocccccca, Si blocca comunque diavolo to faccccc-cio. . . !"'

He stopped and made great play of cleaning his glasses with his

handkerchief.

'When Gigh sang it, there wasn't a dry eye in the house,' he mumbled. 'I

was there. It was then that I decided that I would. . . oh, great days,

indeed.' He put his glasses on and blew his nose.

'I'll run through it once,' he said, 'just so that you can understand how

it is supposed to go. Very well, André.'

The young man who had been drafted in to play the piano in the rehearsal

room nodded, and winked surreptitiously at Agnes.

She pretended not to have seen him, and listened with an expression of

acute studiousness as the old man worked his way through the score.

'And now,' he said, 'let us see how you manage.'

He handed her the score and nodded at the pianist.

Agnes sang the aria, or at least a few bars of it. André stopped playing

and leaned his head against the piano, trying to stifle a laugh.

'Ahem,' said Undershaft.

'Was I doing something wrong?'

'You were singing tenor,' said Undershaft, looking sternly at André.

'She was singing in your voice, sir!'

'Perhaps you can sing it like, er, Christine would sing it?'

They started again.

'Kwesta!? Maledetta!!. . .'

Undershaft held up both hands. André's shoulders were shaking with the

effort of not laughing.

'Yes, yes. Accurately observed. I daresay you're right. But could we

start again and, er, perhaps you would sing it how you think it should be

sung?'

Agnes nodded.

They started again. . .

Page

54

. . .and finished.

Undershaft had sat down, half-turned away. He wouldn't look round to face

her.

Agnes stood watching him uncertainly. 'Er. Was that all right?' she said.

André the pianist got up slowly and took her hand. 'I think we'd better

leave him,' he said softly, pulling her towards the door.

'Was it that bad?'

'Not. . . exactly.'

Undershaft raised his head, but didn't turn it towards her. 'More

practice on those Rs, madam, and strive for greater security above the

stave,' he said hoarsely.

'Yes. Yes, I will.'

André led her out into the corridor, shut the door, and then turned to

her.

'That was astounding,' he said. 'Did you ever hear the great Gigh sing?'

'I don't even know who Gigh is. What was I singing?'

'You didn't know that either?'

'I don't know what it means, no.'

André looked down at the score in his hand. 'Well, I'm not much good at

the language, but I suppose the opening could be sung something like

this:

This damn' door sticks

This damn' door sticks

It sticks no matter what the hell I do

It's marked "Pull" and indeed I am pulling

Perhaps it should be marked "Push"?'

Agnes blinked. 'That's it?'

'Yes.'

'But I thought it was supposed to be very moving and romantic!'

'It is,' said André. 'It was. This isn't real life, this is opera. It

doesn't matter what the words mean. It's the feeling that matters. Hasn't

anyone told-? Look, I'm in rehearsals for the rest of the afternoon, but

perhaps we could meet tomorrow? Perhaps after breakfast?'

Oh, no, thought Agnes. Here it comes. The blush was moving inexorably

upwards. She wondered if one day it might reach her face and carry on

going, so that it ended up as a big pink cloud over her head.

'Er, yes,' she said. 'Yes. That would be. . . very helpful.'

'Now I've got to go.' He gave her a weak little smile, and patted her

hand. 'And. . . I'm really sorry it's happening this way. Because. . .

that was astounding.'

He went to walk away, and then stopped. 'Uh. . .sorry if I frightened you

last night,' he said.

'What?'

'On the stairs.'

'Oh, that. I wasn't frightened.'

'You. . . er. . . didn't mention it to anyone, did you? I'd hate people

to think I was worrying over nothing.'

'Hadn't given it another thought, to tell you the truth. I know you can't

be the Ghost, if that's what you're worried about. Eh?'

'Me? The Ghost. Haha!'

'Haha,' said Agnes.

'So, er. . . see you tomorrow, then. . .'

'Fine.'

Agnes headed back to her room, deep in thought.

Christine was there, looking critically at herself in the mirror. She

spun around as Agnes entered; she even moved with exclamation marks.

Page

55

'Oh, Perdita!! Have you heard?! I'm to sing the part of Iodine tonight!!

Isn't that wonderful?!' She dashed across the room and endeavoured to

pick Agnes up and hug her, settling eventually for just hugging her.

'And I heard they're already letting you in the chorus!?'

'Yes, indeed.'

'Isn't that nice?! I've been practising all morning with Mr Salzella.

Kesta!? Mallydetta!! Porter see bloker!!' She twirled happily. Invisible

sequins filled the air with their shine.

'When I am very famous,' she said, 'you won't regret having a friend in

me!! I shall do my very best to help you!! I am sure you bring me luck!!'

'Yes, indeed,' said Agnes, hopelessly.

'Because my dear father told me that one day a dear little pixie would

arrive to help me achieve my great ambition, and, do you know, I think

that little pixie is you!!'

Agnes smiled unhappily. After you'd known Christine for any length of

time, you found yourself fighting a desire to look into her ear to see if

you could spot daylight coming the other way.

'Er. I thought we had swapped rooms?'

'Oh, that!!' said Christine, smiling. 'Wasn't I silly?! Anyway, I shall

need the big mirror now that I am to be a prima donna! You don't mind, do

you!?'

'What? Oh. No. No, of course not. Er. If you're sure. . .'

Agnes looked at the mirror, and then at the bed. And then at Christine.

'No,' she said, shocked at the enormity of the idea that had just

presented itself, delivered from the Perdita of her soul. 'I'm sure that

will be fine.'

Dr Undershaft blew his nose and tried to tidy himself up.

Well, he didn't have to stand for it. Perhaps the child was somewhat on

the heavy side, but Gigli, for example, had once crushed a tenor to death

and no one had thought any worse of her for it.

He'd protest to Mr Bucket.

Dr Undershaft was a single-minded man. He believed in voices. It didn't

matter what anyone looked like. He never watched opera with his eyes

open. It was the music that mattered, not the acting and certainly not

the shape of the singers.

What did it matter what shape she was? Dame Tessitura had a beard you

could strike a match on and a nose flattened half across her face, but

she was still one of the best basses who ever opened beer bottles with

her thumb.

Of course, Salzella said that, while everyone accepted that large women

of fifty could play thin girls of seventeen, people wouldn't accept that

a fat girl of seventeen could do it. He said they'd cheerfully swallow a

big lie and choke on a little fib. Salzella said that sort of thing.

Something was going wrong these days. The whole place seemed. . . sick,

if a building could be sick. The crowds were still coming, but the money

just didn't seem to be there any more; everything seemed to be so

expensive. . . And now they were owned by a cheesemonger, for heaven's

sake, some grubby counter jumper who'd probably want to bring in fancy

ideas. What they needed was a businessman, some clerk who could add up

columns of figures properly and not interfere. That was the trouble with

all the owners he had experienced-they started off thinking of themselves

as businessmen, and then suddenly began to think they could make an

artistic contribution.

Still, possibly cheesemongers had to add up cheeses. just so long as this

one stayed in his office with the books, and didn't go around acting as

though he owned the place just because he happened to own the place. . .

Page

56

Undershaft blinked. He'd gone the wrong way again. No matter how long

you'd been here, this place was a maze. He was behind the stage, in the

orchestra's room. Instruments and folding chairs had been stacked

everywhere. His foot toppled a beer bottle.

The twang of a string made him look around. Broken instruments littered

the floor. There were half a dozen smashed violins. Several oboes had

been broken. The from had been pulled right out of a trombone.

He looked up into someone's face.

'But. . . why are you-'

The half-moon spectacles tumbled over and over, and smashed on the

boards.

Then the attacker lowered his mask, as smooth and white as the skull of

an angel, and stepped forward purposefully. . .

Dr Undershaft blinked.

There was darkness. A cloaked figure raised its head and looked at him

through bony white sockets.

Dr Undershaft's recent memories were a little confused, but one fact

stood out.

'Aha,' he said. 'Got you! You're the Ghost!'

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RATHER AMUSINGLY WRONG.

Dr Undershaft watched another masked figure pick up the body of. . . Dr

Undershaft, and drag it into the shadows.

'Oh, I see. I'm dead.'

Death nodded.

SUCH WOULD APPEAR TO BE THE CASE.

'That was murder! Does anyone know?'

THE MURDERER. AND YOU, OF COURSE.

'But him? How can-?' Undershaft began.

WE MUST GO, said Death.

'But he just killed me! Strangled me with his bare hands!'

YES. CHALK IT UP TO EXPERIENCE.

'You mean I can't do anything about it?'

LEAVE IT TO THE LIVING. GENERALLY SPEAKING, THEY GET UNEASY WHEN THE

DECEASED TAKES A CONSTRUCTIVE ROLE IN A MURDER INVESTIGATION. THEY TEND

TO LOSE CONCENTRATION.

'You know, you do have a very good bass voice.'

THANK YOU.

'Are there going to be. . . choirs and things?'

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?

Agnes slipped out through the stage-door and into the streets of AnkhMorpork.

She blinked in the light. The air felt slightly prickly, and sharp, and

too cold.

What she was about to do was wrong. Very wrong. And all her life she'd

done things that were right.

Go on, said Perdita.

In fact, she probably wouldn't even do it. But there was no harm in just

asking where there was a herbal shop, so she asked.

And there was no harm in going in, so she went in.

And it certainly wasn't against any kind of law to buy the ingredients

she bought. After all, she might get a headache later on, or be unable to

sleep.

And it would mean nothing at all to take them back to her room and tuck

them under the mattress.

That's right, said Perdita.

Page

57

In fact, if you averaged out the moral difficulty of what she was

proposing over all the little activities she had to undergo in order to

do it, it probably wasn't that bad at all, really-These comforting thoughts were arranging themselves in her mind as she

headed back. She turned a corner and nearly walked into Nanny Ogg and

Granny Weatherwax.

She flung herself against the wall and stopped breathing.

They hadn't seen her, although Nanny's foul cat leered at her over its

owner's shoulder.

They'd take her back! She just knew they would!

The fact that she was a free agent and her own mistress and quite at

liberty to go off to Ankh-Morpork had nothing to do with it. They'd

interfere. They always did.

She scurried back along the alley and ran as fast as she could to the

rear of the Opera House.

The stage-doorkeeper took no notice of her.

Granny and Nanny strolled through the city towards the area known as the

Isle of Gods. It wasn't exactly Ankh and it wasn't exactly Morpork, being

situated where the river bent so much it almost formed an island. It was

where the city kept all those things it occasionally needed but was

uneasy about, like the Watch-house, the theatres, the prison and the

publishers. It was the place for all those things which might go off bang

in unexpected ways.

Greebo ambled along behind them. The air was full of new smells, and he

was looking forward to seeing if any of them belonged to anything he

could eat, fight or ravish.

Nanny Ogg found herself getting increasingly worried. 'This isn't really

us, Esme,' she said.

'Who is it, then?'

'I mean the book was just a bit of fun. No sense in making ourselves

unpopular, is there?'

'Can't have witches being done down, Gytha.'

'I don't feel done down. I felt fine until you told me I was done down,'

said Nanny, putting her finger on a major sociological point.

'You've been exploited,' said Granny firmly.

'No I ain't.'

'Yes you have. You're a downtrodden mass.'

'No I ain't.'

'You've been swindled out of your life savings,' said Granny. ,

'Two dollars?'

'Well, it's all you'd actually saved,' said Granny, accurately.

'Only 'cos I spent everything else,' said Nanny. Other people salted away

money for their old age, but Nanny preferred to accumulate memories.

'Well, there you are, then.'

'I was putting that by for some new piping for my still up at

Copperhead,' said Nanny.[5] 'You know how that scumble eats away at the

metal-'

'You were putting a little something by for some security and peace of

mind in your old age,' Granny translated.

'You don't get peace of mind with my scumble,' said Nanny happily.

'Pieces, yes; but not peace. It's made from the finest apples, you know,'

she added. 'Well, mainly apples.'

Granny stopped outside an ornate doorway, and peered at the brass plate

affixed thereon.

'This is the place,' she said.

They looked at the door.

Page

58

'I've never been one for front doors,' said Nanny, shifting from one foot

to the other.

Granny nodded. Witches had a thing about front doors. A brief search

located an alleyway which led around the back of the building. Here was a

pair of much larger doors, wide open. Several dwarfs were loading bundles

of books on to a cart. A rhythmic thumping came from somewhere beyond the

doorway.

No one took any notice of the witches as they wandered inside.

Movable type was known in Ankh-Morpork, but if wizards heard about it

they moved it where no one could find it. They generally didn't interfere

with the running of the city, but when it came to movable type the pointy

foot was put down hard. They had never explained why, ' and people didn't

press the issue because you didn't press the issue with wizards, not if

you liked yourself the shape you were. They simply worked around the

problem, and engraved everything. This took a long time and meant that

Ankh-Morpork was, for example, denied the benefit of newspapers, leaving

the population to fool themselves as best they could.

A press was thumping gently at one end of the warehouse. Beside it, at

long tables, a number of dwarfs and humans were stitching pages together

and gluing on the covers.

Nanny took a book off a pile. It was The Joye of Snacks.

'Can I help you, ladies?' said a voice. Its tone suggested very clearly

that it wasn't anticipating offering any kind of help whatsoever, except

out into the street at speed.

'We've come about this book,' said Granny.

'I'm Mrs Ogg,' said Nanny Ogg.

The man looked her up and down.

'Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?'

'Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.'

'Hah! Well, I happen to know what Gytha Ogg looks like, madam, and she

does not look like you.'

Nanny Ogg opened her mouth to reply, and then said, in the voice of one

who has stepped happily into the road and only now remembers about the

onrushing coach:'. . . Oh.'

'And how do you know what Mrs Ogg looks like?' said Granny.

'Oh, is that the time? We'd better be going-'said Nanny.

'Because, as a matter of fact, she sent me a picture,' said Goatberger,

taking out his wallet.

'I'm sure we're not at all interested,' said Nanny hurriedly, pulling on

Granny's arm.

'I'm extremely interested,' said Granny. She snatched a folded piece of

paper out of Goatberger's hands, and peered at it.

'Hah! Yes. . . that's Gytha Ogg all right,' she said. 'Yes, indeed. I

remember when that young artist came to Lancre for the summer.'

'I wore my hair longer in those days,' muttered Nanny.

'Just as well, considering,' said Granny. 'I didn't know you had copies,

though.'

'Oh, you know how it is when you're young,' said Nanny dreamily. 'It was

doodle, doodle, doodle all summer long.' She awoke from her reverie. 'And

I still weigh the same now as I did then,' she added.

'Except that it's shifted,' said Granny, nastily.

She handed the sketch back to Goatberger. 'That's her all right,' she

said. 'But it's out by about sixty years and several layers of clothing.

This is Gytha Ogg, right here.'

'You're telling me this came up with Banana Soup Surprise?'

'Did you try it?' said Nanny.

'Mr Cropper the head printer did, yes.'

'Was he surprised?'

Page

59

'Not half as surprised as Mrs Cropper.'

'It can take people like that,' said Nanny. 'I think perhaps I overdo the

nutmeg.'

Goatberger stared at her. Doubt was beginning to assail him. You only had

to look at Nanny Ogg grinning back at you to believe she could write

something like The Joye of Snacks.

'Did you really write this?' he said.

'From memory,' said Nanny, proudly.

'And now she'd like some money,' said Granny.

Mr Goatberger's face twisted up as though he'd just eaten a lemon and

washed it down with vinegar.

'But we gave her the money back,' he said.

'See?' said Nanny, her face falling. 'I told you, Esme-'

'She wants some more,' said Granny.

'No, I don't-'

'No, she doesn't!' Goatberger agreed.

'She does,' said Granny. 'She wants a little bit of money for every book

you've sold.'

'I don't expect to be treated like royalty,' said Nanny.[6]

'You shut up,' said Granny. 'I know what you want. We want some money, Mr

Goatberger.'

'And what if I won't give it to you?'

Granny glared at him.

'Then we shall go away and think about what to do next,' she said.

'That's no idle threat,' said Nanny. 'There's a lot of people've

regretted Esme thinking about what to do next.'

'Come back when you've thought, then!' snapped Goatberger. He stormed

off: 'I don't know, authors wanting to be paid, good grief-'

He disappeared among the stacks of books.

'Er. . . do you think that could have gone better?' said Nanny.

Granny glanced at the table beside them. It was stacked with long sheets

of paper. She nudged a dwarf, who had been watching the argument with

some amusement.

'What're these?' she said.

'They're proofs for the Almanack.' He saw her blank expression. 'They're

sort of a trial run for the book so's we can check that all the spelling

mistakes have been left in.'

Granny picked it up. 'Come, Gytha,' she said.

'I don't want trouble, Esme,' said Nanny Ogg as she hurried after her.

'It's only money.'

'It ain't money any more,' said Granny. 'It's a way of keepin' score.'

Mr Bucket picked up a violin. It was in two pieces, held together by the

strings. One of them broke.

'Who'd do something like this?' he said. 'Honestly, Salzella. . . what is

the difference between opera and madness?'

'Is this a trick question?'

'No!'

'Then I'd say: better scenery. Ah. . . I thought so. . .'

Salzella rooted among the destruction, and stood up with a letter in his

hand.

'Would you like me to open it?' he said. 'It's addressed to you.'

Bucket shut his eyes.

'Go on,' he said. 'Don't bother about the details. Just tell me, how many

exclamation marks?'

'Five.'

'Oh.'

Salzella passed the paper over.

Page

60

Bucket read:

Dear Bucket,

Whoops!

Ahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Yrs,

The Opera Ghost

'What can we do?' he said. 'One moment he writes polite little notes, the

next he goes mad on paper!'

'Herr Trubelmacher has got everyone out hunting for new instruments,'

said Salzella.

'Are violins more expensive than ballet shoes?'

'There are few things in the world more expensive than ballet shoes.

Violins happen to be among them,' said Salzella.

'Further expense!'

'It seems so, yes.'

'But I thought the Ghost liked music! Herr Trubelmacher tells me the

organ is beyond repair!!!'

He stopped. He was aware that he had exclaimed a little less rationally

than a sane man should.

'Oh, well,' Bucket continued wearily. 'The show must go on, I suppose.'

'Yes, indeed,' said Salzella.

Bucket shook his head. 'How's it all going for tonight?'

'I think it will work, if that's what you mean. Perdita seems to have a

very good grasp of the part.'

'And Christine?'

'She has an astonishingly good grasp of wearing a dress. Between them,

they make one prima donna.'

The proud owner of the Opera House got slowly to his feet. 'It all seemed

so simple,' he moaned. 'I thought: opera, how hard can it be? Songs.

Pretty girls dancing. Nice scenery. Lots of people handing over cash. Got

to be better than the cut-throat world of yoghurt, I thought. Now

everywhere I go there's-'

Something crunched under his shoe. He picked up the remains of a pair of

half-moon spectacles.

'These are Dr Undershaft's, aren't they?' he said. 'What're they doing

here?'

His eyes met Salzella's steady gaze.

'Oh, no,' he groaned.

Salzella turned slightly, and stared hard at a big double bass case

leaning against the wall. He raised his eyebrows.

'Oh, no,' said Bucket, again. 'Go on. Open it. My hands have gone all

sweaty. . .'

Salzella padded across to the case and grasped the lid. 'Ready?'

Bucket nodded, wearily.

The case was flung open.

'Oh, no!'

Salzella craned round to see.

'Ah, yes,' he said. 'A broken neck, and the body has been kicked in

considerably. That'll cost a dollar or two to repair, and no mistake.'

'And all the strings are busted! Are double basses more expensive to

rebuild than violins?'

'I am afraid that all musical instruments are incredibly expensive to

repair, with the possible exception of the triangle,' said Salzella.

'However, it could have been worse, hmm?'

'What?'

'Well, it could have been Dr Undershaft in there, yes?'

Page

61

Bucket gaped at him, and then shut his mouth. 'Oh. Yes. Of course. Oh,

yes. That would have been worse. Yes. Bit of luck there, I suppose. Yes.

Um.'

'So that's an opera house, is it?' said Granny. 'Looks like someone built

a great big box and glued the architecture on afterwards.'

She coughed, and appeared to be waiting for something.

'Can we have a look around?' said Nanny dutifully, aware that Granny's

curiosity was equalled only by her desire not to show it.

'It can't do any harm, I suppose,' said Granny, as if granting a big

favour. 'Seein' as we've nothing else to do right this minute.'

The Opera House was, indeed, that most efficiently multifunctional of

building designs. It was a cube. But, as Granny had pointed out, the

architect had suddenly realized late in the day that there ought to be

some sort of decoration, and had shoved it on hurriedly, in a riot of

friezes, pillars, corybants and curly bits. Gargoyles had colonized the

higher reaches. The effect, seen from the front, was of a huge wall of

tortured stone.

Round the back, of course, there was the usual drab mess of windows,

pipes and damp stone walls. One of the rules of a certain type of public

architecture is that it only happens at the front.

Granny paused under a window. 'Someone's singing,' she said. 'Listen.'

'La-la-la-la-la-LAH,' trilled someone. 'Do-Re-Mi-Fah-SoLa-Ti-Do. . .'

'That's opera, right enough,' said Granny. 'Sounds foreign to me.'

Nanny had an unexpected gift for languages; she could be comprehensibly

incompetent in a new one within an hour or two. What she spoke was one

step away from gibberish but it was authentically foreign gibberish. And

she knew that Granny Weatherwax, whatever her other qualities, had an

even bigger tin ear for languages than she did for music.

'Er. Could be,' she said. 'There's always a lot going on, I know that.

Our Nev said they sometimes do different operations every night.'

'How did he find that out?' said Granny.

'Well, there was a lot of lead. That takes some shifting. He said he

liked the noisy ones. He could hum along and also no one heard the

hammering.'

The witches strolled onwards.

'Did you notice young Agnes nearly bump into us back there?' said Granny.

'Yes. It was all I could do not to turn around,' said Nanny.

'She wasn't very pleased to see us, was she? I practically heard her

gasp.'

'That's very suspicious, if you ask me,' said Nanny. 'I mean, she sees

two friendly faces from back home, you'd expect her . to come runnin' up.

. .'

'We're old friends, after all. Old friends of her grandma and her mum,

anyway, and that's practic'ly the same.'

'Remember those eyes in the teacup?' said Nanny. 'She could be under the

gaze of some strange occult force! We got to be careful. People can be

very tricky when they're in the grip of a strange occult force. Remember

Mr Scruple over in Slice?'

'That wasn't a strange occult force. That was acid stomach.'

'Well, it certainly seemed strangely occult for a while. Especially if

the windows were shut.'

Their perambulation had taken them to the Opera House's stage-door.

Granny looked up at a line of posters.

'La Triviata,' she read aloud. 'The Ring of the Nibelungingung. . . ?'

'Well, basically there are two sorts of opera,' said Nanny, who also had

the true witch's ability to be confidently expert on the basis of no

experience whatsoever. 'There's your heavy opera, where basically people

Page

62

sing foreign and it goes like "Oh oh oh, I am dyin', oh, I am dyin', oh,

oh, oh, that's what I'm doin"', and there's your light opera, where they

sing in foreign and it basically goes "Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! I like to

drink lots of beer!", although sometimes they drink champagne instead.

That's basically all of opera, reely.'

'What? Either dyin' or drinkin' beer?'

'Basically, yes,' said Nanny, contriving to suggest that this was the

whole gamut of human experience.

'And that's opera?'

'We-ll. . . there might be some other stuff. But mostly it's stout or

stabbin'.'

Granny was aware of a presence.

She turned.

A figure had emerged from the stage-door, carrying a poster, a bucket of

glue and a brush.

It was a strange figure, a sort of neat scarecrow in clothes slightly too

small for it, although, to be truthful, there were probably no clothes

that would have fit that body. The ankles and wrists seemed infinitely

extensible and independently guided.

It encountered the two witches standing at the poster board, and stopped

politely. They could see the sentence marshalling itself behind the

unfocused eyes.

'Excuse me ladies! The show must go on!'

The words were all there and they made sense, but each sentence was fired

out into the world as a unit.

Granny pulled Nanny to one side.

'Thank you!'

They watched in silence as the man, with great and meticulous care,

applied paste to a neat rectangle and then affixed the poster, smoothing

every crease methodically.

'What's your name, young man?' said Granny.

'Walter!'

'That's a nice beret you have there.'

'My mum bought it for me!'

Walter chased the last air bubble to the edge of the paper and stood

back. Then, completely ignoring the witches in his preoccupation with his

task, he picked up the paste-pot and went back inside.

The witches stared at the new poster in silence.

'Y'know, I wouldn't mind seein' an operation,' said Nanny, after a while.

'Senior Basilica did give us the tickets.'

'Oh, you know me,' said Granny. 'Can't be having with that sort of thing

at all.'

Nanny looked sideways at her, and grinned to herself. This was a familiar

Weatherwax opening line. It meant: Of course I want to, but you've got to

persuade me.

'You're right, o' course,' she said. 'It's for them folks in all their

fine carriages. It's not for the likes of us.'

Granny looked hesitant for a moment.

'I expect it's having ideas above our station,' Nanny went on. 'I expect

if we went in they'd say: Be off, you nasty ole crones. . .'

'Oh, they would, would they?'

'I don't expect they want common folk like what we are comin' in with all

those smart nobby people,' said Nanny.

'Is that a fact? Is that a fact, madam? You just come with me!'

Granny stalked round to the front of the building, where people were

already alighting from coaches. She pushed her way up the steps and

shouldered through the crowd to the ticket office.

She leaned forward. The man behind the grille leaned back.

Page

63

'Nasty old crones, eh?' she snapped.

'I beg your pardon-?'

'Not before time! See here, we've got tickets for-' She looked down at

the pieces of cardboard, and pulled Nanny Ogg over. 'It says here Stalls.

The cheek of it! Stalls? Us?' She turned back to the ticket man. 'See

here, Stalls aren't good enough, we want seats in'-she looked up at the

board by the ticket window-'the Gods. Yes, that sounds about right.'

'I'm sorry? You've got tickets for Stalls seats and you want to exchange

them for seats in the Gods?'

'Yes, and don't you go expecting us to pay any more money!'

'I wasn't going to ask you for-'

'Just as well!' said Granny, smiling triumphantly. She looked approvingly

at the new tickets. 'Come, Gytha.'

'Er, excuse me,' said the man as Nanny Ogg turned away, 'but what is that

on your shoulders?'

'It's. . . a fur collar,' said Nanny.

'Excuse me, but I just saw it flick its tail.'

'Yes. I happen to believe in beauty without cruelty.'

Agnes was aware of something happening backstage. Little groups of men

were forming, and then breaking up as various individuals hurried away

about their mysterious tasks.

Out in front the orchestra was already tuning up. The chorus was filing

on to be A Busy Marketplace, in which various jugglers, gypsies, swordswallowers and gaily dressed yokels would be entirely unsurprised at an

apparently drunken baritone strolling on to sing an enormous amount of

plot at a passing tenor.

She saw Mr Bucket and Mr Salzella deep in argument with the stage

manager.

'How can we search the entire building? This place is a maze!'

'He might have just wandered off somewhere. . . ?'

'He's as blind as a bat without those glasses.'

'But we can't be certain something's happened to him.'

'Oh, Yes? You didn't say that when we opened the double-bass case. You

were certain' he was going to be inside. Admit it.'

'I. . . wasn't expecting just to find a smashed double bass, yes. But I

was feeling a bit mithered at that point.'

A sword-swallower nudged Agnes.

'What?'

'Curtain up in one minute, dear,' he said, smearing mustard on his sword.

'Has something happened to Dr Undershaft?'

'Couldn't say, dear. You wouldn't have any salt, would you?'

' 'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. Sorry. 'Scuse me. Was that your foot? 'Scuse me.

. .'

Leaving a trail of annoyed and pained patrons in their wake, the witches

trod their way to their seats.

Granny elbowed herself comfortable and then, having in some matters the

boredom threshold of a four-year-old, said: 'What's happenin' now?'

Nanny's skimpy knowledge of opera didn't come to her aid. So she turned

to the lady beside her.

' 'Scuse me, could I borrow your programme? Thank you. 'Scuse me, could I

borrow your spectacles? So kind.'

She spent a few moments in careful study.

'This is the overture,' she said. 'It's kind of a free sample of what's

going to happen. 'S got a summary of the story, too. La Triviata.'

Her lips moved as she read. Occasionally her brow wrinkled.

Page

64

'Well, it's quite simple reely,' she said, at last. 'A lot of people are

in love with one another, there's considerable dressing up as other

people and general confusion, there's a cheeky servant, no one really

knows who anyone is, a couple of ole dukes go mad, chorus of gypsies,

etc. Your basic opera. Someone's prob'ly going to turn out to be someone

else's long lost son or daughter or wife or something.'

'Shh!' said a voice behind them.

'Wish we'd brought something to eat,' muttered Granny.

'I think I've got some peppermints in my knicker leg.'

'Shh!'

'I would like my spectacles back, please.'

'Here you are, ma'am. They're not very good, are they?'

Someone tapped Nanny Ogg on the shoulder. 'Madam, your fur stole is

eating my chocolates!'

And someone tapped Granny Weatherwax on her shoulder. 'Madam, kindly

remove your hat.'

Nanny Ogg choked on her peppermint.

Granny Weatherwax turned to the red-faced gentleman behind her. 'You do

know what a woman in a pointy hat is, don't you?' she said.

'Yes, madam. A woman in a pointy hat is sitting in front of me.'

Granny gave him a stare. And then, to Nanny's surprise, she removed her

hat.

'I do beg your pardon,' she said. 'I can see I was inadvertently badmannered. Pray excuse me.'

She turned back to the stage.

Nanny Ogg started breathing again. 'You feeling all right, Esme?'

'Never better.'

Granny Weatherwax surveyed the auditorium, oblivious to the sounds around

her.

'I assure you, madam, your fur is eating my chocolates. It's started on

the second layer!'

'Oh, dear. Show him the little map inside the lid, will you? He's only

after the truffles, and you can soon rub the dribble off the others.'

'Do you mind being quiet?'

'I don't mind, it's this man and his chocolates that's making the noise-'

A big room, Granny thought. A great big room without windows. . .

There was a tingling in her thumbs.

She looked at the chandelier. The rope disappeared into an alcove in the

ceiling.

Her gaze passed along the rows of Boxes. They were all quite crowded. On

one, though, the curtains were almost closed, as if someone inside wanted

to see out without being seen.

Then Granny looked among the Stalls. The audience was mainly human. Here

and there was the hulking shape of a troll, although the troll equivalent

of operas usually went on for a couple of years. A few dwarf helmets

gleamed, although dwarfs normally weren't interested in anything without

dwarfs in. There seemed to be a lot of feathers down there, and here and

there the glint of jewellery. Shoulders were being worn bare this season.

A lot of attention had been paid to appearances. The people were here to

look, not to see.

She closed her eyes.

This was when you started being a witch. It wasn't when you did headology

on daft old men, or mixed up medicines, or stuck up for yourself, or knew

one herb from another.

It was when you opened your mind to the world and carefully examined

everything it picked up.

She ignored her ears until the sounds of the audience became just a

distant buzz.

Page

65

Or, at least, a distant buzz broken by the voice of Nanny Ogg.

'Says here that Dame Timpani, who sings the part of Quizella, is a diva,'

said Nanny. 'So I reckon this is like a part-time job, then. Prob'ly

quite a good idea, on account of you have to be able to hold your breath.

Good trainin' for the singin'.'

Granny nodded without opening her eyes.

She kept them closed as the opera started. Nanny, who knew when to leave

her friend to her own devices, tried to keep quiet but felt impelled to

give out a running commentary.

Then she said, 'There's Agnes! Hey, that's Agnes!'

'Stop wavin' and sit down,' murmured Granny, trying to hold on to her

waking dream.

- Nanny leaned over the balcony.

'She's .dressed up as a gypsy,' she said. 'And now there's a girl come

forward to sing'-she peered at the stolen programme-'the famous

"Departure" aria, it says here. Now that's what I call a good voice-'

'That's Agnes singin',' said Granny.

'No, it's this girl Christine.'

'Shut your eyes, you daft old woman, and tell me if that isn't Agnes

singin',' said Granny.

Nanny Ogg obediently shut her eyes for a moment, and then opened them

again. 'It's Agnes singing!'

'Yes.'

'But there's that girl with the big smile right out there in front moving

her lips and everything!'

'Yes.'

Nanny scratched her head. 'Something a bit wrong here, Esme. Can't have

people stealing our Agnes's voice.'

Granny's eyes were still shut. 'Tell me if the curtains on that Box down

there on the right have moved,' she said.

'I just saw them twitch, Esme.'

'Ah.'

Granny let herself relax again. She sank into the seat as the aria washed

over her, and opened her mind once more. . .

Edges, walls, doors. . .

Once a space was enclosed it became a universe of its own. Some things

remained trapped in it.

The music passed through one side of her head and out the other, but with

it. came other things, strands of things, echoes of old screams. . .

She drifted down further, down below the conscious, into the darkness

beyond the circle of firelight.

There was fear here. It stalked the place like a great dark animal. It

lurked in every corner. It was in the stones. Old terror crouched in the

shadows. It was one of the most ancient terrors, the one that meant that

no sooner had mankind learned to walk on two legs than it dropped to its

knees. It was the terror of impermanence, the knowledge that all this

would pass away, that a beautiful voice or a wonderful figure was

something whose arrival you couldn't control and whose departure you

couldn't delay. It wasn't what she had been looking for, but it was

perhaps the sea in which it swam.

She went deeper.

And there it was, roaring through the night-time of the soul of the place

like a deep cold current.

As she drew closer she saw that it was not one thing but two, twisted

around one another. She reached out. . .

Trickery. Lies. Deceit. Murder.

'No!'

She blinked.

Page

66

Everyone had turned to look at her.

Nanny tugged at her dress. 'Sit down, Esme!'

Granny stared. The chandelier hung peacefully over the crowded seats.

'They beat him to death!'

'What's that, Esme??

'And they throw him into the river!'

'Esme!'

'Sh!'

'Madam, will you sit down at once!'

'. . .and now it's started on the Nougat Whirls!'

Granny snatched at her hat and did a crabwise run along the row, crushing

some of the finest footwear in Ankh-Morpork under her thick Lancre soles.

Nanny hung back reluctantly. She'd quite enjoyed the song, and she wanted

to applaud. But her pair of hands wasn't necessary. The audience had

exploded as soon as the last note had died away.

Nanny Ogg looked at the stage, and took note of something, and smiled.

'Like that, eh?'

'Gytha!'

She sighed. 'Coming, Esme. 'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. Sorry. 'Scuse me. . .'

Granny Weatherwax was out in the red plush corridor, leaning with her

forehead against the wall.

'This is a bad one, Gytha,' she muttered. 'It's all twisted up. I ain't

at all sure I can make it happen right. The poor soul. . .'

She straightened up. 'Look at me, Gytha, will you?

Gytha obediently opened her eyes wide. She winced a little as a fragment

of Granny Weatherwax's consciousness crept behind her eyes.

Granny put her hat on, tucking in the occasional errant wisp of grey hair

and then taking, one by one, the eight hatpins and ramming them home with

the same frowning deliberation with which a mercenary might check his

weapons.

'All right,' she said at last.

Nanny Ogg relaxed. 'It's not that I mind, Esme,' she said, 'but I wish

you'd use a mirror.'

'Waste of money,' said Granny.

Now fully armoured, she strode off along the corridor.

'Glad to see you didn't lose your temper with the man who went on about

your hat,' said Nanny, running along behind.

'No point. He's going to be dead tomorrow.'

'Oh, dear. What of?'

'Run over by a cart, I think.'

'Why didn't you tell him?'

'I could be wrong.'

Granny reached the stairs and thundered down them.

'Where're we going?'

'I want to see who's behind those curtains.'

The applause, distant but still thunderous, filled the stairwell.

'They certainly like Agnes's voice,' said Nanny.

'Yes. I hopes we're in time.'

'Oh, bugger!'

'What?'

'I left Greebo up there!'

'Well, he likes meeting new people. Good grief, this place is a maze.'

Granny stepped out into a curved corridor, rather plusher than the one

they had left. There was a series of doors along it.

'Ah. Now, then. . .'

She walked along the row, counting, and then tried a handle.

'Can I help you, ladies?'

Page

67

They turned. A little old woman had come up softly behind them, carrying

a tray of drinks.

Granny smiled at her. Nanny Ogg smiled at the tray.

'We were just wondering,' said Granny, 'which person in these Boxes likes

to sit with the curtains nearly shut?'

The tray began to shake.

'Here, shall I hold that for you?' .said Nanny. 'You'll spill something

if you're not careful.'

'What do you know about Box Eight?' said the old lady.

'Ah. Box Eight,' said Granny. 'That'd be the one, yes. That's this one

over here, isn't it. . . ?'

'No, please. . .'

Granny strode forward and grasped the handle.

The door was locked.

The tray was thrust into Nanny's welcoming hands. 'Well, thank you, I

don't mind if I do. . .' she said.

The woman pulled at Granny's arm. 'Don't! It'll bring terrible bad luck!'

Granny thrust out her hand. 'The key, madam!' Behind her, Nanny inspected

a glass of champagne.

'Don't make him angry! It's bad enough as it is!' The woman was clearly

terrified.

'Iron,' said Granny, rattling the handle. 'Can't magic iron. . .'

'Here,' said Nanny, stepping forward a little unsteadily. 'Give me one of

your hatpins. Our Nev's taught me all kindsa tricks. . .'

Granny's hand rose to her hat, and then she looked at Mrs Plinge's lined

face. She lowered her hand.

'No,' she said. 'No, I reckon we'll leave it for now. . .

'I don't know what's happening. . .' sobbed Mrs Plinge. 'It never used to

be like this. . .'

'Have a good blow,' said Nanny, handing her a grubby handkerchief and

patting her kindly on the back.

'. . .there was none of this killing people. . . he just wanted somewhere

to watch the opera. . . it made him feel better. . .'

'Who's this we're talking about?' said Granny.

Nanny Ogg gave her a warning look over the top of the old woman's head.

There were some things best left to Nanny.

'. . . he'd unlock it for an hour every Friday for me to tidy up and

there was always his little note saying thank you or apologizing for the

chocolates down the seat. . . and where was the harm in it, that's what

I'd like to know. . .'

'Have another good blow,' said Nanny.

'. . .and now there's people dropping like flies out of the flies. . .

they say it's him, but I know he never meant any harm. . .'

' 'Course not,' said Nanny, soothingly.

'. . .many's the time I've seen 'em look up at the Box. They always felt

the better for it if they saw him. . . and then poor Mr Pounder was

strangulated. I looked around and there was his hat, just like that. . .'

'It's terrible when that happens,' said Nanny Ogg. 'What's your name,

dear?'

'Mrs Plinge,' sniffed Mrs Plinge. 'It came right down in front of me. I'd

have recognized it anywhere. . .'

'I think it would be a good idea if we took you home, Mrs Plinge,' said

Granny.

'Oh, dear! I've got all these ladies and gentlemen to see to! And anyway

it's dangerous going home this time of night. . . Walter walks me home

but he's got to stay late tonight. . . oh dear. . .'

'Have another good blow,' said Nanny. 'Find a bit that isn't too soggy.'

Page

68

There was a series of sharp pops. Granny Weatherwax had interlocked her

fingers and extended her hands at arm's length, so that her knuckles

cracked.

'Dangerous, eh?' she said. 'Well, we can't see you all upset like this.

I'll walk you home and Mrs Ogg will see to things here.'

'. . .only I've got to attend to the Boxes. . . I've got all these drinks

to serve. . . could've sworn I had them a moment ago. . .'

'Mrs Ogg knows all about drinks,' said Granny, glaring at her friend.

'There's nothing I don't know about drinks,' agreed Nanny, shamelessly

emptying the last glass. 'Especially these.'

'. . .and what about our Walter? He'll worry himself silly. . .'

'Walter's your son?' said Granny. 'Wears a beret?'

The old woman nodded.

'Only I always comes back for him if he's working late. . .' she began.

'You come back for him. . . but he sees you home?' said Granny.

'It's. . . he's. . . he's. . .' Mrs Plinge rallied. 'He's a good boy,'

she said defiantly.

'I'm sure he is, Mrs Plinge,' said Granny.

She carefully lifted the little white bonnet off Mrs Plinge's head and

handed it to Nanny, who put it on, and also took the little white apron.

That was the good thing about black. You could be nearly anything,

wearing black. Mother Superior or Madam, it was really just a matter of

the style. It just depended on the details.

There was a click. Box Eight had bolted itself. And then there was the

very faint scrape of a chair being wedged under the door handle.

Granny smiled, and took Mrs Plinge's arm. 'I'll be back as soon as I

can,' she said.

Nanny nodded, and watched them go.

There was a little cupboard at the end of the corridor. It contained a

stool, Mrs Plinge's knitting, and a small but very well stocked bar.

There were also, on a polished mahogany plank, a number of bells on big

coiled springs.

Several of them were bouncing up and down angrily.

Nanny poured herself a gin and gin with a dash of gin and inspected the

rows of bottles with considerable interest.

Another bell started to ring.

There was a huge jar of stuffed olives. Nanny helped herself to a handful

and blew the dust off a bottle of port.

A bell fell off its spring.

Somewhere out in the corridor a door opened and a young man's voice

bellowed, 'Where are those drinks, woman!'

Nanny tried the port.

Nanny Ogg was used to the idea of domestic service. As a girl, she'd been

a maid at Lancre Castle, where the king was inclined to press his

intentions and anything else he could get hold of. Young Gytha Ogg had

already lost her innocence[7] but she had some clear ideas about

unwelcome intentions, and when he jumped out at her in the scullery she

had technically committed treason with a large leg of lamb swung in both

hands. That had ended her life below stairs and put a lengthy crimp in

the king's activities above them.

The brief experience had given her certain views which weren't anything

so definite as political but were very firmly Oggish. And Mrs Plinge had

looked as if she didn't get very much to eat and not a lot of time to

sleep, either. Her hands had been thin and red. Nanny had a lot of time

for the Plinges of the world.

Did port go with sherry? Oh, well, no harm in trying. . .

All the bells were ringing now. It must be coming up to the interval.

Page

69

She methodically unscrewed the top off ajar of cocktail onions, and

thoughtfully crunched a couple.

Then, as other people started to poke their heads around the doors and

make angry demands, she went to the champagne shelf and took down a

couple of magnums. She gave them a damn good shake, tucked one under each

arm with a thumb on the corks, and stepped out into the corridor.

Nanny's philosophy of life was to do what seemed like a good idea at the

time, and do it as hard as possible. It had never let her down.

The curtains closed. The audience was still on its feet, applauding.

'What happens now?' whispered Agnes to the next gypsy.

He pulled off his bandanna. 'Well, dear, we generally nip out to-Oh, no,

they're going for a curtain call!'

The curtains opened again. The light caught Christine, who curtsied and

waved and sparkled.

Her fellow-gypsy nudged Agnes. 'Look at Dame Timpani,' he said. 'There's

a nose in a sling if ever I saw one.'

Agnes stared at the prima donna.

'She's smiling,' she said.

'So does a tiger, dear.'

The curtains shut once more, with a finality that said the stage manager

was going to strike the set and would scream at someone if they dared to

touch those ropes again . . . .

Agnes ran off with the others. There wasn't too much to do in the next

act. She'd tried to memorize the plot earlier-although other members of

the chorus had done their best to dissuade her, on the basis that you

could either sing them or understand them, but not both.

Nevertheless, Agnes was conscientious.

'. . . so Peccadillo (ten.), the son of Duke Tagliatella (bass), has

secretly disguised himself as a swineherd to woo Quizella, not knowing

that Doctor Bufola (bar.) has sold the elixir to Ludi the servant,

without realizing he is really the maid Iodine (sop.) dressed up as a boy

because Count Artaud (bar.) claims that. . .'

A deputy stage manager pulled her out of the way and waved at someone in

the wings.

'Lose the countryside, Ron.'

There was a series of whistles from offstage, answered by another from

above.

The backcloth rose. From the gloom above, the sandbag counterweights

began to descend.

'. . . then Artaud reveals, er, that Zibeline must marry Fideli, I mean

Fiabe, not knowing, er, that the family fortunes. . .'

The sandbags came down. On one side of the stage, at least. On the other

side, Agnes was interrupted in her impossible task by the screaming, and

looked around into the upside-down and not at all well features of the

late Dr Undershaft.

Nanny skipped through a handy door, shut it behind her, and leaned on it.

After a few moments the sound of running feet clattered past.

Well, that had been fun.

She removed the lace bonnet and apron and, because there was a basic

honesty in Nanny, she tucked them in a pocket to give back to Mrs Plinge

later. Then she pulled out a flat, round black shape and banged it

against her arm. The point shot out. After a few adjustments her official

hat was almost as good as new.

She looked around. A certain absence of light and carpeting, together

with a very presence of dust, suggested that this was a part of the place

the public weren't supposed to see.

Page

70

Oh, damn. She supposed she had better find another door. Of course,

that'd mean she'd have to leave Greebo, wherever he was, but he'd turn

up. He always did when he wanted feeding.

There was a flight of steps leading down. She followed them to a corridor

which was slightly better lit and ambled along it for quite a way. And

then all she had to do was follow the screams.

She emerged among the flats and jumbled props backstage.

No one bothered about her. The appearance of a small, amiable old lady

was not about to cause comment at this point.

People were running backwards and forwards, shouting. More impressionable

people were just standing in one place and screaming. A large lady was

sprawled over two chairs having hysterics, while some distracted stagehands tried to fan her with a script.

Nanny Ogg was not certain whether something important had happened or

whether this was just a continuation of opera by other means.

'I should loosen her corsets, if I was you,' she said as she ambled past.

'Good heavens, madam, there's enough panic in here as it is!'

Nanny moved on to an interesting crowd of gypsies, noblemen and stagehands.

Witches are curious by definition and inquisitive by nature. She moved

in.

'Let me through. I'm a nosy person,' she said, employing both elbows. It

worked, as this sort of approach generally does.

There was a dead person lying on the floor. Nanny had seen death in a

wide variety of guises, and certainly knew strangulation when it

presented itself. It wasn't the nicest end, although it could be quite

colourful.

'Oh dear,' she said. 'Poor man. What happened to him?'

'Mr Bucket says he must have got caught up in the-' someone began.

'He didn't get caught in anything! This is the Ghost's work!' said

someone else. 'He could still be up there!'

All eyes turned upwards.

'Mr Salzella's sent some stage-hands to flush him out.'

'Have they got flaming torches?' said Nanny.

Several of them looked at her as if wondering, for the first time, who

she was.

'What?'

'Got to have flaming torches when you're tracking down evil monsters,'

said Nanny. 'Well-known fact.'

There was a moment while this sunk in, and then:

'That's true.'

'She's right, you know.'

'Well-known fact, dear.'

'Did they have flaming torches?'

'Don't think so. Just ordinary lanterns.'

'Oh, they're no good,' said Nanny. 'That's for smugglers, lanterns. For

evil monsters you need flaming-'

'Excuse me, boys and girls!'

The stage manager had stood on a box.

'Now,' he said, a little pale around the face, 'I know you're all

familiar with the phrase "the show must go on". . .'

There was a chorus of groans from the chorus.

'It's very hard to sing a jolly song about eating hedgehogs when you're

waiting for an accident to happen to you,' shouted a gypsy king.

'Funny thing, if we're talking about songs about hedgehogs, I myself-'

Nanny began, but no one was paying her any attention.

'Now, we don't actually know what happened-'

'Really? Shall we guess?' said a gypsy.

Page

71

'-but we have men up in the fly loft now-'

'Oh? In case of more accidents?'

'-and Mr Bucket has authorized me to say that there will be an additional

two dollars' bonus tonight in recognition of your bravely agreeing to

continue with the show-'

'Money? After a shock like this? Money? He thinks he can offer us a

couple of dollars and we'll agree to stay on this cursed stage?'

'Shame!'

'Heartless!,

'Unthinkable!'

'Should be at least four!'

'Right! Right!'

'For shame, my friends! To talk about a few dollars when there is a dead

man lying there. . . Have you no respect for his memory?'

'Exactly! A few dollars is disrespectful. Five dollars or nothing!'

Nanny Ogg nodded to herself, and wandered off and found a sufficiently

big piece of cloth to cover the late Dr Undershaft.

Nanny rather liked the theatrical world. It was its own kind of magic.

That was why Esme disliked it, she reckoned. It was the magic of

illusions and misdirection and foolery, and that was fine by Nanny Ogg,

because you couldn't be married three times without a little fooling. But

it was just close enough to Granny's own kind of magic to make Granny

uneasy. Which meant she couldn't leave it alone. It was like scratching

an itch.

People didn't take any notice of little old ladies who looked as though

they fitted in, and Nanny Ogg could fit in faster than a dead chicken in

a maggot factory.

Besides, Nanny had one additional little talent, which was a mind like a

buzzsaw behind a face like an elderly apple.

Someone was crying.

A strange figure was kneeling beside the late chorus master. It looked

like a puppet with the strings cut.

'Can you give me a hand with this sheet, mister?' said Nanny quietly.

The face looked up. Two watery eyes, running with tears, blinked at

Nanny. 'He won't wake up!'

Nanny mentally changed gear. 'That's right, luv,' she said. 'You're

Walter, ain't you?'

'He was always very good to me and our mum! He never gave me a kick!'

It was obvious to Nanny that there was no help here. She knelt down and

began to do her best with the departed.

'Miss they say it were the Ghost miss! It weren't the Ghost miss! He'd

never do a thing like that! He was always good to me and our mum!'

Nanny changed gear again. You had to slow down a bit for Walter Plinge.

'My mum'd know what to do!'

'Yes, well. . . she's gone home early, Walter.'

Walter's waxy face started to contort into an expression of terminal

horror.

'She mustn't walk home without Walter to look after her!' he shouted.

'I bet she always says that,' said Nanny. 'I bet she always makes sure

her Walter's with her when she goes home. But I expect that right now

she'd want her Walter to just get on with things so's she can be proud of

him. Show's not half over yet.'

' 'S dangerous for our mum!'

Nanny patted his hand and absent-mindedly wiped her own hand on her

dress.

'That's a good boy,' she said. 'Now, I've got to go off-'

'The Ghost wouldn't harm no one!'

Page

72

'Yes, Walter, only I've got to go but I'll find someone to help you and

you must put poor Dr Undershaft somewhere safe until after the show.

Understand? And I'm Mrs Ogg.'

Walter gawped at her, and then nodded sharply.

'Good boy.'

Nanny left him still looking at the body and headed further backstage.

A young man hurrying past found that he'd suddenly acquired an Ogg.

' 'Scuse me, young man,' said Nanny, still holding his arm, 'but d'you

know anyone around here called Agnes? Agnes Nitt?'

'Can't say I do, ma'am. What does she do?' He made to hurry on as

politely as possible, but Nanny's grip was steel.

'She sings a bit. Big girl. Voice with double joints in it. Wears black.'

'You don't mean Perdita?'

'Perdita? Oh, yes. That'd be her all right.'

'I think she's seeing to Christine. They're in Mr Salzella's office.'

'Would Christine be the thin girl in white?'

'Yes, ma'am.'

'And I expect you're going to show me where this Mr Salzella's office

is?'

'Er, am I-Er, yes. It's just along the stage there, first door on the

right.'

'What a good boy to help an old lady,' said Nanny. Her grip increased to

a few ounces short of cutting off circulation. 'And wouldn't it be a good

idea if you helped young Walter back there do something respectful for

the poor dead man?'

'Back where?'

Nanny turned around. The late Dr Undershaft had gone nowhere, but Walter

had vanished.

'Poor chap was a bit upset, I shouldn't wonder,' said Nanny. 'Only to be

expected. So. . . how about if you got another strapping young lad to

help you out instead?'

'Er. . . yes.'

'What a good boy,' Nanny repeated.

It was mid-evening. Granny and Mrs Plinge pushed their way through the

crowds towards the Shades, a part of the city that was as thronged as a

rookery, fragrant as a cesspit, and vice versa.

'So,' said Granny, as they entered the network of foetid alleys, 'your

boy Walter usually sees you home, does he?'

'He's a good boy, Mistress Weatherwax,' said Mrs Plinge defensively.

'I'm sure you're grateful for a strong lad to lean on,' said Granny.

Mrs Plinge looked up. Looking into Granny's eyes was like looking into a

mirror. What you saw looking back at you was yourself, and there was no

hiding-place.

'They torment him so,' she mumbled. 'They poke at him and hide his broom.

They're not bad boys round here, but they will torment him.'

'He brings his broom home, does he?'

'He looks after his things,' said Mrs Plinge. 'I've always brought him up

to look after his things and not be a trouble. But they will poke the

poor soul and call him such names. . .'

The alleyway opened into a yard, like a well between the high buildings.

Washing-lines crisscrossed the rectangle of moonlit sky.

'I'm just in here,' said Mrs Plinge. 'Much obliged to you.'

'How does Walter get home without you?' said Granny.

'Oh, there's plenty of places to sleep in the Opera House. He knows that

if I don't come for him he's to stop there for the night. He does what

he's told, Mistress Weatherwax. He's never any trouble.'

'I never said he was.'

Page

73

Mrs Plinge fumbled in her purse, as much to escape Granny's stare as to

look for the key.

'I expect your Walter sees most of what goes on in the Opera House,' said

Granny, taking one of Mrs Plinge's wrists in her hand. 'I wonder what

your Walter. . . saw?'

The pulse jumped at the same time as the thieves did. Shadows unfolded

themselves. There was the scrape of metal.

A low voice said, 'There's two of you, ladies, and there's six of us.

There's no use in screaming.'

'Oh, deary deary me,' said Granny.

Mrs Plinge dropped to her knees. 'Oh, please don't hurt us, kind sirs, we

are harmless old ladies! Haven't you got mothers?'

Granny rolled her eyes. Damn, damn and blast. She was a good witch. That

was her role in life. That was the burden she had to bear. Good and Evil

were quite superfluous when you'd grown up with a highly developed sense

of Right and Wrong. She hoped, oh she hoped, that young though these

were, they were dyed-in-the-wool criminals . .

'I 'ad a mother once,' said the nearest thief. 'Only I think I must of et

'er. . .'

Ah. Top marks. Granny raised both hands to her hat to draw out two long

hatpins. . .

A tile slid off the roof, and splashed into a puddle.

They looked up.

A caped figure was visible for a moment against the moonlight. It thrust

out a sword at arm's length. Then it dropped, landing lightly in front of

one astonished man.

The sword whirled.

The first thief spun and thrust at the shadowy shape in front of him,

which turned out to be another thief, whose arm jerked up and dragged its

own knife along the ribcage of the thief beside him.

The masked figure danced among the gang, his sword almost leaving trails

in the air. It occurred to Granny later that it never actually made

contact, but then, it never needed to-when six are against one in a melee

in the shadows, and especially if those six aren't used to a target that

is harder to hit than a wasp, and even more so if they got all their

ideas of knifefighting from other amateurs, then there's six chances in

seven that they'll stab a crony and about one chance in twelve that

they'll nick their own earlobe.

The two that remained uninjured after ten seconds looked at one another,

turned, and ran.

And then it was over.

The surviving vertical figure bowed low in front of Granny Weatherwax.

'Ah. Bella Donna!'

There was a swirl of black cloak and red silk, and it too was gone. For a

moment soft footsteps could be heard skimming over the cobbles.

Granny's hand was still halfway to her hat.

'Well I never!' she said.

She looked down. Various bodies were groaning or making soft bubbling

noises.

'Deary deary me,' she said. Then she pulled herself together.

'I reckon we're going to need some nice hot water and some bits of

bandage, and a good sharp needle for the stitching, Mrs Plinge,' she

said. 'We can't let these poor men bleed to death now, can we, even if

they do try to rob old ladies. . .'

Mrs Plinge looked horrified.

'We've got to be charitable, Mrs Plinge,' Granny insisted.

'I'll pump up the fire and tear up a sheet,' said Mrs Plinge. 'Don't know

if I can find a needle. . .'

Page

74

'Oh, I 'spect I've got a needle,' said Granny, extracting one' from the

brim of her hat.

She knelt down by a fallen thief. 'It's rather rusty and blunt,' she

added, 'but we shall have to do the best we can.'

The needle gleamed in the moonlight. His round, frightened eyes focused

on it, and then on Granny's face. He whimpered. His shoulder blades tried

to dig him into the cobbles.

It was perhaps as well that no one else could see Granny's face in the

shadows.

'Let's do some good,' she said.

Salzella threw his hands in the air. 'Supposing he'd come down in the

middle of the act?' he said.

'All right, all right,' said Bucket, who was sitting behind his desk as a

man might hide behind a bunker. 'I agree. After the show we call in the

Watch. No two ways about it. We shall just have to ask them to be

discreet.'

'Discreet? Have you ever met a Watchman?' said Salzella.

'Not that they'll find anything. He'll have been over the rooftops and

away, you may depend upon it. Whoever he is. Poor Dr Undershaft. He was

always so highly strung.'

'Never more so than tonight,' said Salzella.

'That was tasteless!'

Salzella leaned over the desk. 'Tasteless or not, the company are theatre

people. Superstitious. One little thing like someone being murdered on

stage and they go all to pieces.'

'He wasn't murdered on stage, he was murdered off stage. And we can't be

sure it was murder! He'd been very. . . depressed, lately.'

Agnes had been shocked, but it hadn't been shock at Dr Undershaft's

death. She'd been astonished at her own reaction. It had been startling

and unpleasant to see the man, but even worse to see herself actually

being interested in what was happening-in the way people reacted, in the

way they moved, in the things they said. It had been as if she'd stood

outside herself, watching the whole thing.

Christine, on the other hand, had just folded up. So had Dame Timpani.

Far more people had fussed over Christine than around the prima donna,

despite the fact that Dame Timpani had come around and fainted again

quite pointedly several times and had eventually been forced to go for

hysterics. No one had assumed for a minute that Agnes couldn't cope.

Christine had been carried into Salzella's backstage office and put on a

couch. Agnes had fetched a bowl of water and a cloth and was wiping her

forehead, for there are some people who are destined to be carried to

comfortable couches and some people whose only fate is fetching a bowl of

cold water.

'Curtain goes up again in two minutes,' said Salzella. 'I'd better go and

round up the orchestra. They'll all be in the Stab In The Back over the

road. The swine can get through half a pint before the applause has died

away.'

'Are they capable of playing?'

'They never have been, so I don't see why they should start now,' said

Salzella. 'They're musicians, Bucket. The only way a dead body would

upset them is if it fell in their beer, and even then they'd play if you

offered them Dead Body Money.'

Bucket walked over to the recumbent Christine. 'How is she?'

'She keeps mumbling a bit-' Agnes began.

'Cup of tea? Tea? Cup of tea, anyone? Nothing nicer than a cup of tea,

well, I tell a lie, but I see the couch is occupied, just my little joke,

no offence meant, anyone for a nice cup of tea?'

Page

75

Agnes looked around in horror.

'Well, I could certainly do with one,' said Bucket, with false joviality.

'How about you, miss?' Nanny winked at Agnes.

'Er. . .no, thank you. . . do you work here?' said Agnes.

'I'm just helping out for Mrs Plinge, who has been taken poorly,' said

Nanny, giving her another wink. 'I'm Mrs Ogg. Don't mind me.'

This seemed to satisfy Bucket, if only because random teadistributors

represented the most minor of threats at this point.

'It's more like Grand Guignol than opera out there tonight,' said Nanny.

She nudged Bucket. ' 'S foreign for "blood all over the stage",' she said

helpfully.

'Really.'

'Yep. It means. . . Big Gignol.'

Music started in the distance.

'That's the overture to Act Two,' said Bucket. 'Well, if Christine is

still unwell, then. . .' He looked desperately at Agnes. Well, at a time

like this people would understand.

Agnes's chest swelled further with pride. 'Yes, Mr Bucket?'

'Perhaps we could find you a white-'

Christine, her eyes still shut, raised her wrist to her forehead and

groaned.

'Oh, dear, what happened?'

Bucket knelt down instantly. 'Are you all right? You had a nasty shock!

Do you think you could go on for the sake of your art and people not

asking for their money back?'

She gave him a brave smile. Unnecessarily brave, it seemed to Agnes.

'I can't disappoint the dear public!' she said. .

'Jolly good!' said Bucket. 'I should hurry on out there, then. Perdita

will help you-won't you, Perdita?'

'Yes. Of course.'

'And you'll be in the chorus for the duet,' said Bucket. 'Nearby in the

chorus.'

Agnes sighed. 'Yes, I know. Come on, Christine.'

'Dear Perdita. . .' said Christine.

Nanny watched them go. Then she said, 'I'll have that cup if you've

finished with it.'

'Oh. Yes. Yes, it was very nice,' said Bucket.

'Er. . . I had a bit of an accident up at the Boxes,' said Nanny.

Bucket clutched at his chest. 'How many died?'

'Oh, no one died, no one died. They got a bit damp because I spilled some

champagne.'

Bucket sagged with relief. 'Oh, I wouldn't worry about that,' he said.

'When I say spilled. . . I mean, it went on happening. . .'

He waved her away. 'It cleans up well off the carpet,' he said.

'Does it stain ceilings?'

'Mrs. . . ?'

'Ogg.,

'Please just go away.'

Nanny nodded, gathered up the teacups and wandered out of the office. If

no one questioned an old lady with a tray of tea, they certainly weren't

bothered about one behind a pile of washing-up. Washing-up is a badge of

membership anywhere.

As far as Nanny Ogg was concerned, washing-up was also something that

happened to other people, but she felt that it might be a good idea to

stay in character. She found an alcove with a pump and a sink in it,

rolled up her sleeves, and set to work.

Someone tapped her on the shoulder.

'You shouldn't do that, you know,' said a voice. 'That's very unlucky.'

Page

76

She glanced around at a stage-hand.

'What, washing-up causes seven years' bad luck?' she said.

'You were whistling.'

'Well? I always whistle when I'm thinkin'.'

'You shouldn't whistle on stage, I meant.'

It's unlucky?'

'I suppose you could say that. We use whistle codes when we're shifting

the scenery. Having a sack of sandbags land on you could be unlucky, I

suppose.'

Nanny glanced up. His gaze followed hers. just here the ceiling was about

two feet away.

'It's just safest not to whistle,' the boy mumbled.

'I'll remember that,' said Nanny. 'No whistlin'. Interestin'. We do live

and learn, don't we?'

The curtain went up on Act Two. Nanny watched from the wings.

The interesting thing was the way in which people contrived to keep one

hand higher than their necks in case of accidents. There seemed to be far

more salutes and waves and dramatic gestures than were strictly called

for in the opera.

She watched the duet between Iodine and Bufola, possibly the first in the

history of the opera where both singers kept their eyes turned resolutely

upwards.

Nanny enjoyed music, as well. If music were the food of love, she was

game for a sonata and chips at any time. But it was clear that the

sparkle -had gone out of things tonight.

She shook her head.

A figure moved through the shadows behind her, and reached out. She

turned, and looked at a fearsome face.

'Oh, hello, Esme. How did you get in?'

'You've still -got the tickets so I had to talk to the man on the door.

But he'll be right as rain in a minute or two. What's been happening?'

'Well. . . the Duke's sung a long song to say that he must be going, and

the Count has sung a song saying how nice it is in the springtime, and a

dead body's fallen out of the ceiling.'

'That goes on a lot in opera, does it?'

'Shouldn't think so.'

'Ah. In the theatre, I've noticed, if you watch dead bodies long enough

you can see them move.'

'Doubt if this one'll move. Strangled. Someone's murdering opera people.

I bin chatting to the ballet girls.'

'Indeed?'

'It's this Ghost they're all talking about.'

'Hmm. Wears one of those black opera suits and a white mask?'

'How did you know that?'

Granny looked smug.

'I mean, I can't imagine who'd want to murder opera people. . .' Nanny

thought of the expression on Dame Timpani's face. 'Except p'raps other

opera people. And p'raps the musicians. And some of the audience,

p'raps.'

'I don't believe in ghosts,' said Granny firmly.

'Oh, Esme! You know I've got a dozen of 'em in my house!'

'Oh, I believe in ghosts,' said Granny. 'Sad things hangin' around goin'

woogy woogy woogy. . . but I don't believe they kill people or use

swords.' She walked away a little. 'There's too many ghosts here

already.'

Nanny kept quiet. It was best to do so when Granny was listening without

using her ears.

Page

77

'Gytha?'

'Yes, Esme?'

'What does "Bella Donna" mean?'

'It's the nobby name for Deadly Nightshade, Esme.'

'I thought so. Huh! The cheek of it!'

'Only, in opera, it means Beautiful Woman.'

'Really? Oh.' Granny's hand reached up and patted the iron-hard bun of

her hair. 'Foolishness!'

. . .he'd moved like music, like someone dancing to a rhythm inside his

head. And his face for a moment in the moonlight was the skull of an

angel. . .

The duet got another standing ovation.

Agnes faded gently back into the chorus. She had to do little else during

the remainder of the act except dance, or at least move as rhythmically

as she could, with the rest of the chorus during the Gypsy Fair, and

listen to the Duke singing a song about how lovely the countryside was in

summer. With an arm extended dramatically above his head.

She kept peering into the wings.

If Nanny Ogg was here then the other one would be around somewhere. She

wished she'd never written those wretched letters home. Well. . . they

wouldn't drag her back, no matter what they tried. . .

* * *

The remainder of the opera passed without anyone dying, except where the

score required them to do so at some length. There was a minor upset when

a member of the chorus was almost brained by a sandbag dislodged from a

gantry by the stage-hands stationed there to prevent accidents.

There was more applause at the end. Christine got most of it.

And then the curtains closed.

And opened and closed a few times as Christine took her bows.

Agnes felt perhaps she took one more bow than the applause really

justified. Perdita, looking out through her eyes, said: of course she

did.

And then they closed the curtains for the last time.

The audience went home.

From the wings, and up in the flies, the stagehands whistled their

commands. Parts of the world vanished into the aerial darkness. Someone

went round and put out most of the lights. Rising like a birthday cake,

the chandelier was winched into its loft so that the candles could be

snuffed. Then there were the footsteps of the men leaving the loft. . .

Within twenty minutes of the last handclap of applause the auditorium was

empty and dark, except for just a few lights.

There was the clank of a bucket.

Walter Plinge walked on to the stage, if such a word could be employed

for his mode of progress.

He moved like a puppet on elastic strings, so that it seemed only

coincidentally that his feet touched the ground.

Very slowly, and very conscientiously, he began to mop the stage.

After a few minutes a shadow detached itself from the curtains and walked

over to him. Walter looked down.

'Hello Mister Pussy Cat,' he said.

Greebo rubbed against his legs. Cats have an instinct for anyone daft

enough to give them food, and Walter certainly was well qualified.

'I shall go and find you some milk shall I Mister Cat?'

Greebo purred like a thunderstorm.

Page

78

Walking his strange walk, advancing only by averages, Walter disappeared

into the wings.

There were two dark figures sitting in the balcony.

'Sad,' said Nanny.

'He's got a good job in the warm and his mother keeps an eye on him,'

said Granny. 'A lot of people fare worse.'

'Not a big future for him, though,' said Nanny. 'Not when you think about

it.'

'There was a couple of cold potatoes and half a herring for their

supper,' said Granny. 'Hardly a stick of furniture, too.'

'Shame.'

'Mind you, she's a little bit richer now,' Granny conceded. 'Especially

if she sells all those knives and boots,' she added to herself.

'It's a cruel world for old ladies,' said Nanny, matriarch of a vast

extended tribe and undisputed tyrant of half the Ramtops.

'Especially one as terrified as Mrs Phnge,' said Granny.

'Well, I'd be frightened too, if I was old and had Walter to think

about.'

'I ain't talking about that, Gytha. I know about fear.'

'That's true,' said Nanny. 'Most of the people you meet are full of

fear.'

'Mrs Phnge is living in fear,' said Granny, appearing not to hear this.

'Her mind is flat with it. She can't hardly think for the terror. I could

feel it coming off of her like mist.'

'Why? Because of the Ghost?'

'I don't know yet. Not all of it, anyway. But I will find out.'

Nanny fished in the recesses of her clothing.

'Fancy a drink?' she said. There was a muffled clink from somewhere in

her petticoats. 'I got champagne, brandy and port. Also some nibbles and

biscuits.'

'Gytha Ogg, I believe you are a thief,' said Granny.

'I ain't!' said Nanny, and added, with that grasp of advanced morality

that comes naturally to a witch: 'Just because I occasionally technic'ly

steal something, that doesn't make me a thief. I don't think thief.'

'Let's get back to Mrs Palm's.'

'All right,' said Nanny. 'But can we get something to eat first? I don't

mind the cooking, but the grub there is a bit of an all-day breakfast, if

you know what I mean. . .'

There was a sound from the stage as they stood up. Walter had returned,

followed by a slightly fatter Greebo. Oblivious to the watchers, he

continued to mop the stage.

'First thing tomorrow,' said Granny, 'we'll go and see Mr Goatberger the

Almanack man again. I've had time to think about what to do next. And

then we're going to sort this out.'

She glared at the innocent figure washing the stage arid said, under her

breath: 'What is it you know, Walter Plinge? What is it you've seen?'

'Wasn't it amazing?!' said Christine, sitting up in bed. Her nightdress,

Agnes had noted, was white. And extremely lacy.

'Yes, indeed,' said Agnes.

'Five curtain calls!! Mr Bucket says that's more than anyone's ever had

since Dame Gigli!! I'm sure I won't be able to sleep for the

excitement!!'

'So you just drink up that lovely hot milk drink I've done for us,' said

Agnes. 'It took me ages to carry the saucepan up those stairs.'

'And the flowers!!' said Christine, ignoring the mug Agnes had placed

beside her. 'They started arriving right after the performance, Mr Bucket

said!! He said-'

Page

79

There was a soft knock at the door.

Christine adjusted her dress.

'Come!!'

The door opened and Walter Plinge shuffled in, hidden under the bouquets

of flowers.

After a few steps he stumbled on his own feet, plunged forward, and

dropped them. Then he stared at the two girls in mute embarrassment,

turned suddenly, and walked into the door.

Christine giggled.

'Sorry mu-miss,' said Walter.

'Thank you, Walter,' said Agnes.

The door closed.

'Isn't he strange?! Have you seen the way he stares at me?! Do you think

you could find some water for these, Perdita?!'

'Certainly, Christine. It's only seven flights of stairs.'

'And as a reward I shall drink this lovely drink you have made for me!!

Has it got spices in it?'

'Oh, yes. Spices,' said Agnes.

'It's not like one of those potions your witches cook up, is it?!'

'Er, no,' said Agnes. After all, everyone in Lancre used fresh herbs.

'Er. . . there's not going to be anything like enough vases for them all,

even if I use the guzunder. . .'

'The what?!'

'The. . . you know. It's goes-under. . . the bed. Guzunder.'

'You're so funny!!'

'There won't be, anyway,' said Agnes, blushing hotly. Behind her eyes,

Perdita committed murder.

'Then put in all the ones from the earls and knights and I shall see to

the others tomorrow!' said Christine, picking up the drink.

Agnes picked up the kettle and started towards the door.

'Perdita, dear?' said Christine, the mug halfway to her lips.

Agnes turned.

'It did seem to me you were singing the teensiest bit loud, dear! I'm

sure it must have been a little difficult for everyone to hear me.'

'Sorry, Christine,' said Agnes.

She walked down in darkness. Tonight there was a candle burning in a

niche on every second landing. Without them the stairs would have been

merely dark; with them, shadows crept arid leapt at every corner.

She reached the pump in the little alcove by the stage manager's office,

and filled the kettle.

Out on the stage, someone began to sing.

It was Peccadillo's part of a duet of three hours earlier, but sung

without music and in a tenor voice of such tone and purity that the

kettle dropped out of Agnes's hand and spilled cold water over her feet.

She listened for a while, and then realized that she was singing the

soprano part under her breath.

The song came to an end. She could hear, far off, the hollow sound of

footsteps retreating in the distance.

She ran to the door to the stage, .paused a moment, and then opened it

and went forward and out on to the huge dim emptiness.

The candles left burning were as much illumination as stars on a clear

night. There was no one there.

She walked into the centre of the stage, and stopped, and caught her

breath at the shock.

She could feel the auditorium in front of her, the huge empty space

making the sound that velvet would make if it could snore.

It wasn't silence. A stage is never silent. It was the noise produced by

a million other sounds that have never quite died away-the thunder of

Page

80

applause, the overtures, the arias. They poured down. . . fragments of

tunes, lost chords, snatches of song.

She stepped back, and trod on someone's foot.

Agnes spun around. 'André, there's no-'

Someone crouched back. 'Sorry miss!'

Agnes breathed out. 'Walter?'

'Sorry miss!'

'It's all right! You just startled me.'

'Didn't see you miss!'

Walter was holding something. To Agnes's amazement, the darker shape in

the darkness was a cat, flopped over Walter's arms like an old rug and

purring happily. It was like seeing someone poking their arm into a

mincing machine to see what was jamming it.

'That's Greebo, isn't it?'

'He's a happy cat! He's full of milk!'

'Walter, why're you in the middle of the stage in the dark when

everyone's gone home?'

'What were you doing miss?'

It was the first time she'd heard Walter ask a question. And he's sort of

a janitor, after all, she told herself. He can go anywhere.

'I. . . got lost,' she said, ashamed at the lie. 'I. . . I'll be going up

to my room now. Er. Did you hear someone singing?'

'All the time miss!'

'I meant just now.'

'Just now I'm talking to you miss!'

'Oh. . .'

'G'night miss!'

She walked through the soft warm gloom to the backstage door, resisting

at every step the urge to look round. She collected the kettle and

hurried up the stairs. .

Behind her, on the stage, Walter carefully lowered Greebo to the floor,

took off his beret, and removed something white and papery from inside

it.

'What shall we listen to, Mister Cat? I know, we shall listen to the

overture to Die Flederleiv by J. Q. Bubbla, cond. Vochua Doinov.'

Greebo gave him the fat-cheeked look of a cat prepared to put up with

practically anything for food.

And Walter sat down beside him and listened to the music coming out of

the walls.

When Agnes got back to the room Christine was already fast asleep,

snoring the snore of those in herbal heaven. The mug lay by the bed.

It wasn't a bad thing to do, Agnes reassured herself. Christine probably

needed a good night's sleep. It was practically a kindly act.

She turned her attention to the flowers. There were quite a lot of roses

and orchids. Most of them had cards attached. Many aristocratic men

apparently appreciated good singing or, at least, good singing that

appeared to come from a face like Christine's.

Agnes arranged the flowers Lancre fashion, which was to hold the pot with

one hand and the bouquet in the other and forcibly bring the two into

conjunction.

The last bunch was the smallest, and wrapped in red paper. There was no

card. In fact, there were no flowers.

Someone had merely wrapped up half a dozen blackened and spindly rosestems and then, for some reason, sprayed them with scent. It was musky

and rather pleasant, but a bad joke all the same. She threw them in the

bin with the rubbish, blew out the candle, and sat down to wait.

She wasn't certain for whom. Or what.

Page

81

After a minute or two she was aware that there was a glow coming from the

waste bin. It was the barest fluorescence, like a sick glow-worm, but it

was there.

She crawled across the floor and peered in.

There were rosebuds on the dead sticks, transparent as glass, visible

only by the glimmer on the edge of each petal. They flickered like marsh

lights.

Agnes lifted them out carefully and fumbled in the darkness for the empty

mug. It wasn't the best of vases, but it would have to do. Then she sat

and watched the ghostly flowers until. . .

. . .someone coughed. She jerked her head up, aware that she'd fallen

asleep.

'Madam?'

'Sir?!'

The voice was melodious. It suggested that, at any minute, it might break

into song.

'Attend. Tomorrow you must sing the part of Laura in Il Truccatore. We

have much to do. One night is barely enough. The aria in Act One will

occupy much of our time.'

There was a brief passage of violin music.

'Your performance tonight was. . . good. But there are areas that we must

build upon. Attend.'

'Did you send the roses?!'

'You like the roses? They bloom only in darkness.'

'Who are you?! Was it you I heard singing just now!?'

There was silence for a moment.

'Yes.'

Then:

'Let us examine the role of Laura in Il Truccatore "The Master of

Disguise", also sometimes vulgarly known as "The Man with a Thousand

Faces". . .'

When the witches arrived at Goatberger's offices next morning they found

a very large troll sitting on the stairs. It had a club across its knees

and held up a shovel-sized hand to prevent them going any further.

'No one's allowed in,' it said. 'Mr Goatberger is in a meetin'.'

'How long is this meetin' going to be?' said Granny.

'Mr Goatberger is a very elongated meeter.'

Granny gave the troll an appraising stare. 'You been in publishin' long?'

she said.

'Since dis mornin',' said the troll proudly.

'Mr Goatberger gave you the job?'

'Yup. Come up Quarry Lane and picked me special for. . .'-the troll's

brow creased as it tried to remember the unfamiliar words-'. . .the fast

track inns fast-movin'_ worlds publishin'.'

'And what exactly is your job?'

' 'Ead 'fitter.'

' 'Souse me,' said Nanny, pushing forward. 'I'd know that stratum

anywhere. You're from Copperhead in Lancre, ain't you?'

'So what?'

'We're from Lancre, too.'

'Yeah?'

'This is Granny Weatherwax, you know.'

The troll gave her a disbelieving grin, and then its brow corrugated

again, and then it looked at Granny.

She nodded.

'The one you boys call Aaoograha hoa, you know?' said Nanny. ' "She Who

Must Be Avoided"?'

Page

82

The troll looked at its club as if seriously considering the possibility

of beating itself to death.

Granny patted it on the lichen-encrusted shoulder. 'What's your name,

lad?'

'Carborundum, miss,' it mumbled. One of its legs began to tremble.

'Well, I'm sure you're going to make a good life for yourself here in the

big city,' said Granny.

'Yes, why don't you go and start now?' said Nanny.

The troll gave her a grateful look and fled, without even bothering to

open the door.

'Do they really call me that?' said Granny.

'Er. Yes,' said Nanny, kicking herself. 'It's a mark of respect, of

course.'

'Oh.'

'Er. . .'

'I've always done my best to get along with trolls, you know that.'

'Oh, yes.'

'How about the dwarfs?' said Granny, as someone might who had found a

hitherto unsuspected boil and couldn't resist poking it. 'Have they got a

name for me, too?'

'Let's go and see Mr Goatberger, shall we?' said Nanny brightly.

'Gytha!'

'Er. . . well. . . I think it's K'ez'rek d'b'duz,' said Nanny.

'What does that mean?'

'Er. . . "Go Around the Other Side of the Mountain",' said Nanny.

'Oh.'

Granny was uncharacteristically silent as they made their way up the

stairs.

Nanny didn't bother to knock. She opened the door and said, 'Coo-ee, Mr

Goatberger! It's us again, just like you said. Oh, I shouldn't try to get

out of the window like that-you're three flights up and that bag of money

is a bit dangerous if you're climbing around.'

The man edged around the room so that his desk was between him and the

witches.

'Wasn't there a troll downstairs?' he said.

'It's decided to break out of publishing,' said Nanny. She sat down and

gave him a big smile. 'I 'spect you've got some money for us.'

Mr Goatberger realized that he was trapped. His face contorted into a

series of twisted expressions as he experimented with some replies. Then

he smiled as widely as Nanny and sat down opposite her.

'Of course, things are very difficult at the moment,' he said. 'In fact I

can't recall a worse time,' he added, with considerable honesty.

He looked at Granny's face. His grin stayed where it was but the rest of

his face began to edge away.

'People just don't seem to be buying books,' he said. 'And the cost of

the etchings, well, it's wicked.'

'Everyone I knows buys the Almanack,' said Granny. 'I reckon everyone in

Lancre buys your Almanack. Everyone in the whole Ramtops buys the

Almanack, even the dwarfs. That's a lot of half dollars. And Gytha's book

seems to be doing very well.'

'Well, of course, I'm glad it's so popular, but what with distribution,

paying the peddlers, the wear and tear on-'

'Your Almanack will last a household all winter, with care,' said Granny.

'Providing no one's ill and the paper's nice and thin.'

'My son Jason buys two copies,' said Nanny. 'Of course, he's got a big

family. The privy door never stops swinging'

'Yes but, you see, the point is. . . I don't actually have to pay you

anything,' said Mr Goatberger, trying to ignore this. His smile had the

Page

83

face all to itself now. 'You paid me to print it, and I gave you your

money back. In fact I think our accounts department made a slight error

in your favour, but I won't-'

His voice trailed away.

Granny Weatherwax was unfolding a sheet of paper. 'These predictions for

next year. . .' she said.

'Where'd you get that?'

'I borrowed it. You can have it back if you like-'

'Well, what about them?'

'They're wrong.'

'What do you mean, they're wrong? They're predictions!'

'I don't see there being a rain of curry in Klatch next May. You don't

get curry that early.'

'You know about the predictions business?' said Goatberger. 'You? I've

been printing predictions for years.

'I don't do clever stuff for years ahead, like you do,' Granny admitted.

'But I'm pretty accurate if you want a thirty-second one.'

'Indeed? What's going to happen in thirty seconds?'

Granny told him.

Goatberger roared with laughter. 'Oh, yes, that's a good one, you should

be writing them for us!' he said. 'Oh, my word. Nothing like being

ambitious; eh? That's better than the spontaneous combustion of the

Bishop of Quirm, and that didn't even happen! In thirty seconds, eh?'

'No.'

'No?'

'Twenty-one seconds now,' said Granny.

Mr Bucket had arrived at the Opera House early to see if anyone had died

so far today.

He made it as far as his office without a single body dropping out of the

shadows.

He really hadn't expected it to be like this. He'd liked opera. It had

all seemed so artistic. He'd watched hundreds of operas and practically

no one had died, except once during the ballet scene in La Triviata when

a ballerina had rather over-enthusiastically been flung into the lap of

an elderly gentleman in the front row of the Stalls. She hadn't been

hurt, but the old man had died in one incredibly happy instant.

Someone knocked at the door.

Mr Bucket opened it about a quarter of an inch. 'Who's dead?' he said.

'N-no one Mr Bucket! I've got your letters!'

'Oh, it's you, Walter. Thank you.'

He took the bundle and shut the door.

There were bills. There were always bills. The Opera House practically

runs itself, they'd told him. Well, yes, but it practically ran on money.

He rummaged through the let-There was an envelope with the Opera House crest on it.

He looked at it like a man looks at a very fierce dog on a very thin

leash.

It did nothing except lie there and look as gummed as an envelope can be.

Finally he disembowelled it with the, paperknife and then flung it down

on the desk again, as if it would bite.

When it did not do so he reached out hesitantly and withdrew the folded

letter. It read as follows:

My Dear Bucket,

I should be most grateful if Christine sings the role of Laura tonight. I

assure you she is more than capable.

Page

84

The second violinist is a little slow, I feel, and the second act last

night was frankly extremely wooden. This really is not good enough.

My I extend my own welcome to Senor Basilica. I congratulate you on his

arrival.

Wishing you the very best,

The Opera Ghost

'Mr Salzella!'

Salzella was eventually located. He read the note. 'You do not intend to

accede to this?' he said.

'She does sing superbly, Salzella.'

'You mean the Nitt girl?'

'Well. . . yes. . . you know what I mean.'

'But this is nothing less than blackmail!'

'Is it? He's not actually threatening anything.'

'You let her. . . I mean them, of course. . . you let them sing last

night, and much good it did poor Dr Undershaft.'

'What do you advise, then?'

There was another series of disjointed knocks on the door.

'Come in, Walter,' said Bucket and Salzella together.

Walter jerked in, holding the coalscuttle.

'I've been to see Commander Vimes of the city Watch,' said Salzella. 'He

said he'll have some of his best men here tonight. Undercover.'

'I thought you said they were all incompetent.'

Salzella shrugged. 'We've got to do this properly. Did you know Dr

Undershaft was strangled before he was hung?'

'Hanged,' said Bucket, without thinking. 'Men are hanged. It's dead meat

that's hung.'

'Indeed?' said Salzella. 'I appreciate the information. Well, poor old

Undershaft was strangled, apparently. And then he was hung.'

'Really, Salzella, you do have a misplaced sense-'

'I've finished now Mr Bucket!'

'Yes, thank you, Walter. You may go.'

'Yes Mr Bucket!'

Walter closed the door behind him, very conscientiously.

'I'm afraid it's working here,' said Salzella. 'If you don't find some

way of dealing with. . . are you all right, Mr Bucket?'

'What?' Bucket, who'd been staring at the closed door, shook his head.

'Oh. Yes. Er. Walter. . .'

'What about him?'

'He's. . . all right, is he?'

'Oh, he's got his. . . funny little ways. He's harmless enough, if that's

what you mean. Some of the stage-hands and musicians are a bit cruel to

him. . . you know, sending him out for a tin of invisible paint or a bag

of nail-holes and so on. He believes what he's told. Why?'

'Oh. . . I just wondered. Silly, really.'

'I suppose he is, technically.'

'No, I meant-Oh, it doesn't matter. . .'

Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg left Goatberger's office and walked

demurely down the street. At least, Granny walked demurely. Nanny leaned

somewhat.

Every thirty seconds she'd say, 'How much was that again?'

'Three thousand, two hundred and seventy dollars and eighty-seven pence,'

said Granny. She was looking thoughtful.

'I thought it was nice of him to look in all the ashtrays for all the odd

coppers he could round up,' said Nanny. 'Those he could reach, anyway.

How much was that again?'

Page

85

'Three thousand, two hundred and seventy dollars and eighty-seven pence.'

'I've never had seventy dollars before,' said Nanny.

'I didn't say just seventy dollars, I said-'

'Yes, I know. But I'm working my way up to it gradual. I'll say this

about money. It really chafes.'

'I don't know why you have to keep your purse in your knicker leg,' said

Granny.

'It's the last place anybody would look.' Nanny sighed. 'How much did you

say it was?'

'Three thousand, two hundred and seventy dollars and eighty-seven pence.'

'I'm going to need a bigger tin.'

'You're going to need a bigger chimney.'

'I could certainly do with a bigger knicker leg.' She nudged Granny.

'You're going to have to be polite to me now I'm rich,' she said.

'Yes, indeed,' said Granny, with a faraway look in her eyes. 'Don't think

I'm not considering that.'

She stopped. Nanny walked into her, with a tinkle of lingerie.

The frontage of the Opera House loomed over them.

'We've got to get back in there,' Granny said. 'And into Box Eight.'

'Crowbar,' said Nanny, firmly. 'A No. 3 claw end should do it.'

'We're not your Nev,' said Granny. 'Anyway, breaking in wouldn't be the

same thing. We've got to have a right to be there.'

'Cleaners,' said Nanny. 'We could be cleaners, and. . . no, 's not right

me being a cleaner now, in my position.'

'No, we can't have that, with you in your position.'

Granny glanced down at Nanny as a coach pulled up outside the Opera

House. 'O' course,' she said, artfulness dripping off her voice like

toffee, 'we could always buy Box Eight.'

'Wouldn't work,' said Nanny. People were hurrying down the steps with the

cuff-adjusting, sticky looks of welcoming committees everywhere. 'They're

scared of selling it.'

'Why not?' said Granny. 'There's people dying and the opera goes on. That

means someone's prepared to sell his own grandmother if he'd make enough

money.'

'It'd cost a fortune, anyway,' said Nanny.

She looked at Granny's triumphant expression and groaned. 'Oh, Esme! I

was going to save that money for me old age!' She thought for a moment.

'Anyway, it still wouldn't work. I mean, look at us, we don't look like

the right kind of people. . .'

Enrico Basilica got out of the coach.

'But we know the right kind of people,' said Granny.

'Oh, Esme!'

The shop bell tinkled in a refined tone,, as if it were embarrassed to do

something as vulgar as ring. It would have much preferred to give a

polite cough.

This was Ankh-Morpork's most prestigious dress shop, and one way of

telling was the apparent absence of anything so crass as merchandise. The

occasional carefully placed piece of expensive material merely hinted at

the possibilities available.

This was not a shop where things were bought. This was an emporium where

you had a cup of coffee and a chat. Possibly, as a result of that muted

conversation, four or five yards of exquisite fabric would change

ownership in some ethereal way, and yet nothing so crass as trade would

have taken place.

'Shop!' yelled Nanny.

A lady appeared from behind a curtain and observed the visitors, quite

possibly with her nose.

Page

86

'Have you come to the right entrance?' she said. Madame Dawning had been

brought up to be polite to servants and trades people, even when they

were as scruffy as these two old crows.

'My friend here wants a new dress,' said the dumpier of the two. 'One of

the nobby ones with a train and a padded bum.'

'In black,' said the thin one.

'And we wants all the trimmings,' said the dumpy one. 'Little handbag

onna string, pair of glasses onna stick, the whole thing.'

'I think perhaps that might be a leetle more than you're thinking of

spending,' said Madame Dawning.

'How much is a leetle?' said the dumpy one.

'I mean that this is rather a select dress shop.'

'That's why we're here. We don't want rubbish. My name's Nanny Ogg and

this here is. . . Lady Esmerelda Weatherwax.'

Madame Dawning regarded Lady Esmerelda quizzically. There was no doubt

that the woman had a certain bearing. And she stared like a duchess.

'From Lancre,' said Nanny Ogg. 'And she could have a conservatory if she

liked, but she doesn't want one.'

'Er. . .'Madame Dawning decided to play along for a while. 'What style

were you considering?'

'Something nobby,' said Nanny Ogg.

'I perhaps would like a leetle more guidance than that-'

'Perhaps you could show us some things,' said Lady Esmerelda, sitting

down. 'It's for the opera.'

'Oh, you patronize the opera?'

'Lady Esmerelda patronizes everything,' said Nanny Ogg stoutly.

Madame Dawning had a manner peculiar to her class and upbringing. She'd

been raised to see the world in a certain way. When it didn't act in that

certain way she wobbled a bit but, like a gyroscope, eventually recovered

and went on spinning just as if it had. If civilization were to collapse

totally and the survivors were reduced to eating cockroaches, Madame

Dawning would still use a napkin and look down on people who ate their

cockroaches the wrong way round.

'I will, er, show you, some examples,' she said. 'Excuse me one moment.'

She scuttled into the long workrooms behind the shop, where there was

considerably less gilt, and leaned against the wall and summoned her

chief seamstress.

'Mildred, there are two very strange-'

She stopped. They'd followed her!

They were wandering down the aisle between the rows of dressmakers,

nodding at people and inspecting some of the dresses on the dummies.

She hurried back. 'I'm sure you'd prefer-'

'How much is this one?' said Lady Esmerelda, fingering a creation

intended for the Dowager Duchess of Quirm.

'I am afraid that one is not for sale-'

'How much would it be if it was for sale?'

'Three hundred dollars, I believe,' said Madame Dawning.

'Five hundred seems about right,' said Lady Esmerelda.

'Does it?' said Nanny Ogg. 'Oh, it does, does it?'

The dress was black. At least, in theory it was black. It was black in

the same. way that a starling's wing is black. It was black silk, with

jet beads and sequins. It was black on holiday.

'It looks about my size. We'll take it. Pay the woman, Gytha.'

Madame's gyroscope precessed rapidly. 'Take it? Now? Five hundred

dollars? Pay? Pay now? Cash?'

'See to it, Gytha.'

'Oh, all right.'

Page

87

Nanny Ogg turned away modestly and raised her skirt. There was a series

of rustlings and elasticated twangings, and then she turned around,

holding a bag.

She counted out fifty rather warm ten-dollar pieces into Madame Dawning's

unprotesting hand.

'And now we'll go back into the shop and have a poke around for the other

stuff,' said Lady Esmerelda. 'I fancy ostrich feathers myself. And one of

those big cloaks the ladies wear. And one of those fans edged with lace.'

'Why don't we get some great big diamonds while we're about it?' said

Nanny Ogg sharply.

'Good idea.'

Madame Dawning could hear them bickering as they ambled away up the

aisle.

She looked down at the money in her hand.

She knew about old money, which was somehow hallowed by the fact that

people had hung on to it for years, and she knew about new money, which

seemed to be being made by all these upstarts that were flooding into the

city these days. But under her powdered bosom she was an Ankh-Morpork

shopkeeper, and knew that the best kind of money was the sort that was in

her hand rather than someone else's. The best kind of money was mine, not

yours.

Besides, she was also enough of a snob to confuse rudeness with .good

breeding. In the same way that the really rich can never be mad (they're

eccentric), so they can also never be rude (they're outspoken and

forthright).

She hurried after Lady Esmerelda and her rather strange friend. Salt of

the earth, she told herself.

She was in time to overhear a mysterious conversation.

'I'm being punished, ain't I, Esme?'

'Can't imagine what you're talking about, Gytha.'

'Just 'cos I had my little moment.'

'I really don't follow you. Anyway, you said you were at your wits' end

with thinking what you'd do with the money.'

'Yes, but I'd have quite liked to have been at my wits' end on a big

comfy chase longyou somewhere with lots of big strong men buyin' me

chocolates and pressin' their favours .on me.'

'Money don't buy happiness, Gytha.'

'I only wanted to rent it for a few weeks.'

Agnes rose late, the music still ringing in her ears, and dressed in a

dream. But she hung a bed sheet over the mirror first, just in case.

There were half a dozen of the chorus dancers in the canteen, sharing a

stick of celery and giggling.

And there was André. He was eating something absentmindedly while staring

at a sheet of music. Occasionally he'd wave his spoon in the air with a

faraway look on his face, and then put it down and make a few notes.

In mid-beat he caught sight of Agnes, and grinned. 'Hello. You look

tired.'

'Er. . . yes.'

'You've missed all the excitement.'

'Have I?'

'The Watch have been here, talking to everyone and asking lots of

questions and writing things down very slowly.'

'What sort of questions?'

'Well, knowing the Watch, probably "Was it you what did it, then?"

They're rather slow thinkers.'

'Oh dear. Does that mean tonight's performance is cancelled?'

Page

88

André laughed. He had a rather pleasant laugh. 'I don't think Mr Bucket

could possibly cancel it!' he said. 'Even if people are dropping like

flies out of the flies.'

'Why not?'

'People have been queuing for tickets!'

'Why?'

He told her.

'That's disgusting!' said Agnes. 'You mean they're coming because it

might be dangerous?'

'Human nature, I'm afraid. Of course, some of them want to hear Enrico

Basilica. And. . . well. . . Christine seems popular. . .' He gave her a

sorrowful look.

'I don't mind, honestly,' lied Agnes. 'Um. . . how long have you worked

here, André?'

'Er. . . only a few months. I. . . used to teach music to the Seriph's

children in Klatch.'

'Um. . . what do you think about the Ghost?'

He shrugged. 'Just some kind of madman, I suppose.

'Um. . . do you know if he sings? I mean, is good at singing?'

'I heard that he sends little critiques to the manager. Some of the girls

say they've heard someone singing in the night, but they're always saying

silly things.'

'Um. . . are there any secret passages here?'

He looked at her with his head on one side. 'Who've you been talking to?'

'Sorry?'

'The girls say there are. Of course, they say they see the Ghost all the

time. And sometimes in two places at once.'

'Why should they see him more?'

'Perhaps he just likes looking at young ladies. They're always practising

in odd corners. Besides, they're all halfcrazed with hunger anyway.'

'Aren't you interested in the Ghost? People have been killed!'

'Well, people are saying it might have been Dr Undershaft.'

'But he was killed!'

'He might have hanged himself. He'd been very depressed lately. And he'd

always been a bit strange. Nervy. It's going to be a bit difficult

without him, though. Here, I've brought you a stack of old programmes.

Some of the notes may help, since you haven't been in the opera long.'

Agnes stared at them, unseeing.

People were disappearing and the first thought that everyone had was that

it was going to be inconvenient without them.

The show must go on. Everyone said that. People said it all the time.

Often they smiled when they said it, but they were serious all the same,

under the smile. No one ever said why. But yesterday, when the chorus had

been arguing about the money, everyone knew that they weren't actually

going to refuse to sing. It was all a game.

The show went on. She'd heard all the stories. She'd heard about shows

continuing while fire raged around the city, while a dragon was roosting

on the roof, while there was rioting in the streets outside. Scenery

collapsed? The show went on. Leading tenor died? Then appeal to the

audience for any student of music who knew the part, and give him his big

chance while his predecessor's body cooled gently in the wings. Why? It

was only a performance, for heaven's sake. It wasn't like something

important. But. . . the show goes on. Everyone took this so much for

granted that they didn't even think about it any more, as though there

were fog in their heads.

On the other hand. . . someone was teaching her to sing at night. A

mysterious person sang songs on the stage when everyone had gone home.

She tried to think of that voice belonging to someone who killed people.

Page

89

It didn't work. Maybe she'd caught some of the fog and didn't want it to

work. What sort of person could have that feel for music and kill people?

She'd been idly turning the pages of an old programme and a name caught

her eye.

She quickly shuffled through the others beneath. There it was again. Not

in every performance, and never in a major role, but it was there.

Generally it played an innkeeper or a servant.

'Walter Plinge?' she said. 'Walter? But. . . he doesn't sing, does he?'

She held up a programme and pointed.

'What? Oh, no!' André laughed. 'Good heavens. . . it's a. . . a kind of

convenient name, I suppose. Sometimes someone has to sing a very minor

part. . . perhaps a singer is in a role that they'd rather not be

remembered in. . . well, here, they just go down on the programme as

Walter Plinge. Lots of theatres have a useful name like that. Like A. N.

Other. It's convenient for everyone.'

'But. . . Walter Plinge?'

'Well, I suppose it started as a joke. I mean, can you imagine Walter

Plinge on stage?' André grinned. 'In that little beret he wears?'

'What does he think about it?'

'I don't think he minds. It's hard to tell, isn't it?'

There was a crash from the direction of the kitchen, although it was

really more of a crashendo the longdrawn-out clatter that begins when a

pile of plates begins to slip, continues when someone tries to grab at

them, develops a desperate counter-theme when the person realizes they

don't have three hands, and ends with the roinroinroin of the one

miraculously intact plate spinning round and round on the floor.

They heard an irate female voice.

'Walter Plinge!'

'Sorry Mrs Clamp!'

'Damn' thing keeps holding on to the edge of the pan! Let go, you

wretched insect-'

There was the sound of crockery being swept up, and then a rubbery noise

that could approximately be described as a spoing.

'Now where's it gone?'

'Don't know Mrs Clamp!'

'And what's that cat doing in here?'

André turned back to Agnes and flashed her a sad smile. 'It is a little

cruel, I suppose,' he said. 'The poor chap is a bit daft.'

'I'm not at all sure,' said Agnes, 'that I've met anyone here who isn't.'

He grinned again. 'I know,' he said.

'I mean, everyone acts as if it's only the music that matters! The plots

don't make sense! Half the stories rely on people not recognizing their

servants or wives because they've got a tiny mask on! Large ladies play

the part of consumptive girls! No one can act properly! No wonder

everyone accepts me singing for Christine-that's practically normal

compared to opera! It's an operatic kind of idea! There should be a sign

on the door saying "Leave your common sense here"! If it wasn't for the

music the whole thing would be ridiculous!'

She realized he was looking at her with an opera face.

'Of course, that's it, isn't it? It is the show that matters, isn't it?'

she said. 'It's all show.'

'It's not meant to be real,' said André. 'It's not like theatre. No one's

saying, "You've got to pretend this is a big battlefield and that guy in

the cardboard crown is really a king." The plot's only there to fill in

time before the next song.'

He leaned forward and took her hand. 'This must be wretched for you,' he

said.

Page

90

No male had ever touched Agnes before, except perhaps to push her over

and steal her sweets.

She pulled her hand away.

'I, er, better go and practise,' she said, feeling the blush start.

'You really picked up the role of Iodine very well,' said André.

'I, er, have a private tutor,' said Agnes.

'Then he's really studied opera; that's all I can say.'

'I. . . think he has.'

'Esme?'

'Yes, Gytha?'

'It's not that I' m complaining or anything. . .'

'Yes?'

'. . .but why isn't it me who's being the posh opera patronizes?'

'Because you're as common as muck, Gytha.'

'Oh. Right.' Nanny subjected this statement to some thought and couldn't

see any point of inaccuracy that would sway a jury. 'Fair enough.'

'It's not as though I like this.'

'Shall I do madam's feet?' said the manicurist. She stared at Granny's

boots and wondered if it might be necessary to use a hammer.

'I got to admit, it's a nice hairstyle,' said Nanny.

'Madam has marvellous hair,' said the hairdresser. 'What is the secret?'

'You've got to make sure there's no newts in the water,' said Granny. She

looked at her reflection in the mirror over the washbasin, and went to

look away. . . and then sneaked another glance. Her lips pursed. 'Hmm,'

she said.

At the other end, the manicurist had succeeded in getting Granny's boots

and socks off. Much to her amazement there was revealed, instead of the

corned and bunioned monstrosities she'd been expecting, a pair of perfect

feet. She didn't know where to start because there was nowhere to begin,

but this manicure was costing twenty dollars and in those circumstances

you damn well find something to do.

Nanny sat beside their pile of packages and tried to work everything out

on a scrap of paper. She didn't have Granny's gift for numbers. They

tended to writhe under her gaze and add themselves up wrong.

'Esme? I reckon we've spent. . . probably more'n a thousand dollars so

far, and that's not including hirin' the coach, and we haven't paid Mrs

Palm for the room.'

'You said nothing was too much trouble to help a Lancre girl,' said

Granny.

But I didn't say nothing was too much money, thought Nanny, and then

scolded herself for thinking like that. But she was definitely feeling a

little lighter in the underwear regions.

There seemed to be a general consensus among the artisans of beauty that

they'd done what they could. Granny swivelled the chair around.

'What do you think?' she said.

Nanny Ogg stared. She'd seen many strange things in her life, some of

them twice. She'd seen elves and walking stones and the shoeing of a

unicorn. She'd had a farmhouse dropped on her head. But she'd never seen

Granny Weatherwax in rouge.

All her normal expletives of shock and surprise fused instantly, and she

found herself resorting to an ancient curse belonging to her grandmother.

'Well, I'll be mogadored!' she said.

'Madam has extremely good skin,' said the cosmetics lady.

'I know,' said Granny. 'Can't seem to do anything about it.'

'I'll be mogadored!' said Nanny again.

Page

91

'Powder and paint,' said Granny. 'Huh. Just another kind of mask. Oh,

well.' She gave the hairdresser a dreadful smile. 'How much do we owe

you?' she said.

'Er. . . thirty dollars?' said the hairdresser. 'That is. . .,

'Give the w. . . man thirty dollars and another twenty to make up for his

trouble,' said Granny, clutching at her head.

'Fifty dollars? You could buy a shop for-'

'Gytha!'

'Oh, all right. 'Scuse me, I'm just going to the bank.'

She turned away demurely, raised the hem of her skirt

-twangtwingtwongtwang

-and turned back with a handful of coins.

'There you go, my good wo. . . sir,' she said sourly.

There was a coach waiting outside. It was the best Granny had been able

to hire with Nanny's money. A footman held open the door as Nanny helped

her friend aboard.

'We'll go straight to Mrs Palm's so's I can change,' said Granny as they

pulled away. 'And then to the Opera House. We ain't got much time.'

'Are you all right?'

'Never felt better.' Granny patted her hair. 'Gytha Ogg, you wouldn't be

a witch if you couldn't jump to conclusions, right?'

Nanny nodded. 'Oh, yes.' There was no shame in it. Sometimes there wasn't

time to do anything else but take a flying leap. Sometimes you had to

trust to experience and intuition and general awareness and take a

running jump. Nanny herself could clear quite a tall conclusion from a

standing start.

'So I've no doubt at all that there's some kind of idea floating around

in your mind about this Ghost. . .'

'Well. . . sort of an idea, yes. . .'

'A name, perhaps?'

Nanny shifted uncomfortably, and not only because of the moneybags under

her skirt.

'I got to admit something crossed my mind. A kind of. . . feeling. I

mean, you never can tell. . .'

Granny nodded. 'Yes. It's all neat, isn't it? It's a lie.'

'You said last night you saw the whole thing!'

'It's still a lie. Like the lie about masks.'

'What lie about masks?'

'The way people say they hide faces.'

'They do hide faces;' said Nanny Ogg.

'Only the one on the outside.'

No one took much notice of Agnes. The stage was being set for the new

performance tonight. The orchestra was rehearsing. The ballerinas had

been herded into their practice-room. In various other rooms people were

singing at cross-purposes. But no one seemed to want her to do anything.

I'm just a wandering voice, she thought.

She climbed the stairs to her room and sat on the bed. The curtains were

still drawn and, in the gloom, the strange roses glowed. She had rescued

them from the bin because they were beautiful, but, in a way, she'd have

been happier if they weren't there. Then she could have believed she'd

imagined the whole thing.

There was no sound from Christine's room. Telling herself that it was

really her room anyway, and Christine had just been allowed to borrow it,

Agnes went in.

It was a mess. Christine had got up, got dressed either that or a

thorough but overenthusiastic burglar had gone through every drawer in

the place-and gone. The bouquets that Agnes had put into whatever

Page

92

receptacles she could find last night were where she had left them. The

others were where she had left them, too, and they were already dying.

She caught herself wondering where she could find some jars and pots for

them, and hated herself for it. It was as bad as saying 'poot!' You might

as well paint WELCOME on yourself and lie down on the doorstep of the

universe. It was no fun at all, having a wonderful personality. Oh. . .

and good hair.

And then she went and found pots for them anyway.

The mirror dominated the room. It seemed to grow a little larger each

time she looked at it.

All right. She had to know, didn't she?

Heart pounding, she felt around the edges of it. There was a little

raised area that might have looked like part of the frame, but as her

fingers moved across it there was a 'click' and the mirror swung inwards

a fraction of an inch. When she pushed at it, it moved.

She breathed out. And stepped in.

'It's disgusting!' said Salzella. 'It's pandering to the most depraved

taste!'

Mr Bucket shrugged. 'It's not as though we're putting "Good Chance of

Seeing Someone Throttled on Stage" on the posters,' he said. 'But news

has got around. People like. . . drama.'

'You mean the Watch didn't want us to shut down?'

'No. They just said we should mount guards like last night and they'd

take steps.'

'Steps to the nearest place of safety, no doubt.'

'I don't like it any more than you do, but it's gone too far. We need the

Watch now. Anyway, there'd be a riot if we closed. Ankh-Morpork has

always enjoyed. . . excitement. We're completely sold out. The show must

go on.'

'Oh, yes,' said Salzella nastily. 'Would you like me to slit a few

throats in the second act? Just so no one feels disappointed?'

'Of course not,' said Bucket. 'We don't want any deaths. But. . .'

The 'but' hung in the air like the late Dr Undershaft.

Salzella threw up his hands.

'Anyway, I believe we are past the worst,' said Mr Bucket.

'I hope so,' said Salzella.

'Where's Senor Basilica?' said Bucket.

'Mrs Plinge is showing him his dressing-room.'

'Mrs Plinge hasn't been murdered?'

'No, no one has been found dead so far today,' said Salzella.

'That is good news.'

'Yes, and it must be, oh, at least ten past twelve,' said Salzella with

an irony that Bucket quite failed to notice. 'I will go and fetch him up

so that we can have lunch, shall I? It must be a good half an hour since

he had a snack.'

Bucket nodded. After the director had gone he surreptitiously checked his

desk drawers again.

There was no letter. Perhaps it was over. . . Perhaps it was true what

they were saying about the late doctor.

Someone knocked at the door, four times. Only one person could achieve

four knocks without any rhythm whatsoever.

'Come in, Walter.'

Walter Plinge stumbled into the room. 'There's a lady!' he said. 'She's

to see Mr Bucket!'

Nanny Ogg poked her head around the door. 'Coo-ee,' she said. 'It's only

me.'

'It's. . . Mrs Ogg, isn't it?' said Mr Bucket.

Page

93

There was something slightly worrying about the woman. He didn't recall

her name on the list of employees. On the other hand, she was clearly

around the place, she wasn't dead, and she made a decent cup of tea, so

was it his worry if she wasn't getting paid?

'Good gracious, I'm not the lady,' said Nanny Ogg. 'I'm as common as

muck, me, on the highest authority. No, she's waiting down in the foyer.

I thought I'd better nip round here and warn you.'

'Warn me? Warn me about what? I don't have any other appointments this

morning. Who is this lady?'

'Have you ever heard of Lady Esmerelda Weatherwax?'

'No. Should I?'

'Famous patron of the opera. Conservatories all over the place,' said

Nanny. 'Pots of money, too.'

'Really? But I'm due to-'

Bucket looked out of the window. There was a coach and four horses

outside. It had so much rococo ornamentation on it that it was surprising

it ever managed to move.

'Well, I-' he began again. 'It is really very incon-'

'She ain't the sort of person who likes to be kept waiting,' said Nanny,

with absolute honesty. And then, because Granny had been getting on her

nerves all morning and the initial embarrassment at Mrs Palm's still

rankled and there was a streak of mischief in Nanny a mile wide, she

added, 'They say she was a famous courtesan in her younger days. They say

she didn't like to be kept waiting then, either. Retired now, of course.

So they say.'

'You know, I've visited most of the major opera houses and I've never

heard the name,' mused Bucket.

'Ah, I heard she likes to keep her donations secret,' said Nanny.

Mr Bucket's mental compass once again swung around to point due Money.

'You'd better show her up,' he said. 'I could perhaps give her a few

minutes-'

'No one ever gave Lady Esmerelda less than half an hour,' said Nanny, and

gave Bucket a wink. 'I'll go and fetch her, shall I?'

She bustled away, towing Walter behind her.

Mr Bucket stared after her. Then, after a moment's thought, he got up and

checked the set of his moustache in the mirror over the fireplace.

He heard the door open and turned with his finest smile in place.

It faded only slightly at the sight of Salzella, ushering the impressive

bulk of Basilica in front of him. The little manager and interpreter

fussed along beside him, like a tugboat.

'Ah, Senor Basilica,' said Bucket. 'I trust the dressingrooms are to your

satisfaction?'

Basilica gave him a blank smile while the interpreter spoke in

Brindisian, and then replied.

'Senor Basilica says they are fine but the larder isn't big enough,' he

said.

'Haha,' said Bucket, and then stopped when no one else laughed.

'In fact,' he said hurriedly, 'Senor Basilica will I'm sure be very happy

to hear that our kitchens have made a special effort to-'

There was another knock at the door. He hurried across and opened it.

Granny Weatherwax stood there, but not for long. She pushed him aside and

swept into the room.

There was a choking noise from Enrico Basilica.

'Which one of you is Bucket?' she demanded.

'Er. . . me. . .'

Granny removed a glove and extended her hand. 'So sorry,' she said. 'Ai

am not used to important people opening their own doors. Ai am Esmerelda

Weatherwax.'

Page

94

'How charming. I've heard so much about you,' lied Bucket. 'Pray let me

introduce you. No doubt you know Senor Basilica?'

'Of course,' said Granny, looking Henry Slugg in the eye. 'I'm sure Senor

Basilica recalls the many happy times we've had in other opera houses

whose names I can't quite remember at the moment.'

Henry grimaced a smile, and said something to the interpreter.

'That is astonishing,' said the interpreter. 'Senor Basilica has just

said how fondly he recalls meeting you many times before at opera houses

that have just slipped his mind at present.'

Henry kissed Granny's hand, and looked up at her with pleading in his

eyes.

My word, thought Bucket, that look he's giving her. . . I wonder if they

ever-'Oh, uh, and this is Mr Salzella, our director of music,' he said,

remembering himself.

'Honoured,' said Salzella, giving Granny a firm handshake and looking her

squarely in the eye. She nodded.

'And what's the first thing you'd take out of a burning house, Mr

Salzella?' she enquired.

He smiled politely. 'What would you like me to take, madam?'

She nodded thoughtfully and let go of his hand.

'May I get you a drink? said Bucket.

'A small sherry,' said Granny.

Salzella sidled up to Bucket as he was pouring the drink. 'Who the hell

is she?'

'Apparently she's rolling in money,' whispered Bucket. 'And very keen on

opera.'

'Never heard of her.'

'Well, Senor Basilica has, and that's good enough for me. Make yourself

pleasant to them, will you, while I try to sort out lunch.'

He pulled open the door and tripped over Nanny Ogg.

'Sorry!' said Nanny, standing up and giving him a cheerful grin. 'These

doorknobs are a bugger to polish, aren't they?'

'Er, Mrs-'

,Ogg.,

'--Ogg, could you run along to the kitchens and tell Mrs Clamp there will

be another one for lunch, please.'

'Right you are.'

Nanny bustled away. Bucket nodded approvingly. What a reliable old lady,

he thought.

It wasn't exactly a secret. When the room had been divided a space had

been left between the walls. At the far end it opened on to a staircase,

a perfectly ordinary staircase, which even had some grubby daylight via a

dirt-encrusted window.

Agnes was vaguely disappointed. She had expected, well, a real secret

passage, perhaps with a few torches flickering secretly in rather

valuable secret wrought-iron holders. But the staircase had just been

walled off from the rest of the place at some time. It wasn't secret-it

had merely been forgotten.

There were cobwebs in the corners. The cocoons of extinct flies hung down

from the ceiling. The air smelled of long-dead birds.

But there was a clear track through the dust. Someone had used the stairs

several times.

She hesitated between up and down, and headed up. That was no great

journey-after one more flight it ended at a trapdoor that wasn't even

bolted.

Page

95

She pushed at it, and then blinked in the unaccustomed light. Wind caught

at her hair. A pigeon stared at her, and flew away as she poked her head

into the fresh air.

The door had opened out on to the Opera House's roof, just one more item

in a forest of skylights and airshafts.

She went back inside and headed downwards. And became aware, as she did

so, of the voices. . .

The old stairs hadn't been totally forgotten. Someone had at least seen

their usefulness as an airshaft. Voices filtered up. There were scales,

distant music, snatches of conversation. As she went down she passed

through layers of noise, like a very carefully made sundae of sound.

Greebo sat on top of the kitchen cupboard and watched the performance

with interest.

'Use the ladle, why don't you?' said a scene-shifter.

'It won't reach! Walter!'

'Yes Mrs Clamp?'

'Give me that broom!'

'Yes Mrs Clamp!'

Greebo looked up at the high ceiling, to which was affixed a sort of

thin, ten-pointed star.

In the middle of it was a pair of very frightened eyes.

' "Plunge it into boiling water",' said Mrs Clamp, 'that's what it said

in the cook-book. It never said "Watch out, it'll grip the sides of the

pot and spring straight up in the air"-'

She flailed around with the broom-handle. The squid shrank back.

'And that pasta's all gone wrong,' she muttered. 'I've had it grilling

for hours and it's still hard as nails, the wretched stuff.'

'Coo-ee, it's only me,' said Nanny Ogg, poking her head around the door,

and such was the all embracing nature of her personality that even those

who didn't know who she was took this on trust. 'Having a bit of trouble,

are you?'

She surveyed the scene, including the ceiling. There was a smell of

burning pasta in the air.

'Ah,' she said. 'This'd be the special lunch for Senior Basilica, would

it?'

'It was meant to be,' said the cook, still making ineffectual swipes.

'Blasted thing won't come down, though.'

Other pots were simmering on the long iron range. Nanny nodded towards

them. 'What's everyone else having?' she said.

'Mutton and clootie dumplings, with slumpie,' said the cook.

'Ah. Good honest food,' said Nanny, speaking of wall-towall suet oiled

with lard.

'And there's supposed to be Jammy Devils for pudding and I've been so

tied up with this wretched thing I haven't even made a start!'

Nanny carefully took the broom out of the cook's hands. 'Tell you what,'

she said, 'you make enough dumplings and slumpie for five people, and

I'll help by knocking up a quick pudding, how about that?'

'Well, that's a very. handsome offer, Mrs-'

'Ogg.'

'The jam's in the jar by-'

'Oh, I won't bother about jam,' said Nanny. She looked at the spice-rack,

grinned, and then stepped behind a table for modesty

-twingtwangtwongtwang

-'Got any chocolate?' she said, producing a slim volume. 'I've got a

recipe right here that might be fun. . .'

She licked her thumb and opened the book at page 53. Chocolate Delight

with Special Secret Sauce.

Page

96

Yes, thought Nanny, that would be fun.

If people wanted to go around teaching people lessons, other people

should remember that those people knew a thing or two about people.

Scraps of conversation floated out of the walls as Agnes wound her secret

way down the forgotten stairs.

It was. . . thrilling.

No one was saying anything important. There were no convenient guilty

secrets. There were just the sounds of people getting through the day.

But they were secret sounds.

It was wrong to listen, of course.

Agnes had been brought up in the knowledge that a lot of things were

wrong. It was wrong to listen at doors, to look people directly in the

eye, to talk out of turn, to answer back, to put yourself forward. . .

But behind the walls she could be the Perdita she'd always wanted to be.

Perdita didn't care about anything. Perdita got things done. Perdita

could wear anything she wanted. Perdita X Nitt, mistress of the darkness,

magdalen of cool, could listen in to other people's lives. And never,

ever have to have a wonderful personality.

Agnes knew she should go back up to her room. Whatever lay in the

increasingly shadowy depths was probably something she ought not to find.

Perdita continued downwards. Agnes went along for the ride.

The pre-luncheon drinks were going quite well, Mr Bucket thought.

Everyone was making polite conversation and absolutely no one had been

killed up to the present moment.

And it had been very gratifying to see the tears of gratitude in Senor

Basilica's eyes when he was told that the cook was preparing a special

Brindisian meal, just for him. He'd seemed quite overcome.

It was reassuring that he knew Lady Esmerelda. There was something about

the woman that left Mr Bucket terribly perplexed. He was finding it a

little difficult to converse with her. As a conversational gambit,

'Hello, I understand you have a lot of money, can I have some please?'

lacked, he felt, a certain subtlety.

'So, er, madam,' he ventured, 'what brings you to our, er, city?'

'I thought perhaps I could come and spend some money,' said Granny. 'Got

rather a lot of it, you know. Keep havin' to change banks 'cos they get

filled up.'

Somewhere in Bucket's tortured brain, part of his mind went 'whoopee' and

clicked its heels.

'I'm sure if there's anything I can do-' he murmured.

'As a matter of fact, there is,' said Granny. 'I was thinking of-'

A gong banged.

'Ah,' said Mr Bucket. 'Luncheon is served.'

He extended his arm to Granny, who gave it an odd look before remembering

who she was and taking it.

There was a small exclusive dining-room off his office. It contained a

table set for five and, looking rather fetching in a waitress's lacy

bonnet, Nanny Ogg.

She bobbed a curtsey.

Enrico Basilica made a tiny strangling noise at the back of his throat.

' 'Scuse me, there's been a bit of a problem,' said Nanny.

'Who's dead?' said Bucket.

'Oh, no one's dead,' said Nanny. 'It's the dinner, it's still alive and

hangin' on to the ceiling. And the pasta's all gone black, see. I said to

Mrs Clamp, I said, it may be foreign but I don't reckon it should be

crunchy

Page

97

'This is terrible! What a way to treat an honoured guest!' said Bucket.

He turned to the interpreter. 'Please assure Senor Basilica that we will

send out for fresh pasta straight away. What were we having, Mrs Ogg?'

'Roast mutton with clootie dumplings,' said Nanny.

Behind the face of Senor Basilica the throat of Henry Slugg made another

little growling sound.

'And there's some nice slumpie with a knob of butter,' Nanny went on.

Bucket looked around, puzzled. 'Is there a dog somewhere in here?' he

said.

'Well, I for one don't believe in pandering to singers,' said Granny

Weatherwax. 'Fancy food, indeed! I never heard the like! Why not give him

mutton with the rest of us?'

'Oh, Lady Esmerelda, that's hardly a way to treat-' Bucket began.

Enrico's elbow nudged his interpreter, with the special nudge of a man

who could see clootie dumplings vanishing into the long grass if he

weren't careful. He rumbled out a very pointed sentence.

'Senor Basilica says he would be more than happy to taste the indigenous

food of Ankh-Morpork,' said the interpreter.

'No, we really can't-' Bucket tried again.

'In fact Senor Basilica insists that he tries the indigenous food of

Ankh-Morpork,' said the interpreter.

'S' right. Si,' said Basilica.

'Good,' said Granny. 'And give him some beer while you're about it.' She

gave the tenor's stomach a playful poke, losing her finger down to the

second joint. 'Why, in a day or two I expect you could practically turn

him into a native!'

* * *

The wooden stairs gave way to stone.

Perdita said: He'll have a vast cave somewhere under the Opera House.

There will be hundreds of candles, casting an exciting yet romantic light

over the, yes, the lake, and there will be a dinner-table shining with

crystal glass and silverware, and of course he will have, yes, a huge

organ-Agnes blushed hotly in the darkness.

-on which, that is to say, he will play in a virtuoso style many operatic

classics.

Agnes said: It'll be damp. There will be rats.

'Another clootie dumpling, Senior?' said Nanny Ogg.

'Mmfmmfmmf!'

'Take two while you're about it.'

It was an education watching Enrico Basilica eat. It wasn't as though he

gobbled his food, but he did eat continuously, like a man who intends to

go on doing it all day on industrial lines, his napkin tucked neatly into

his collar. The fork was loaded while the current consignment was being

thoroughly masticated, so that the actual time between mouthfuls was as

small as possible. Even Nanny, no stranger to a metabolism going for the

burn, was impressed. Enrico Basilica ate like a man freed at last from

the tyranny of tomatoes with everything.

'I'll order another mint-sauce tanker, shall I?' she said.

Mr Bucket turned to Granny Weatherwax. 'You were saying that you might be

inclined to patronize our Opera House,' he murmured.

'Oh, yes,' said Granny. 'Is Senor Basilica going to sing tonight?'

'Mmfmmf'

'I hope so,' muttered Salzella. 'That or explode.'

Page

98

'Then I shall definitely want to be there,' said Granny. 'A little more

lamb here, my good woman.'

'Yes ma'am,' said Nanny Ogg, making a face at the back of Granny's head.

'Er. . . seats for tonight, in fact, are-' Bucket began.

'A Box would do me,' said Granny. 'I'm not fussy.'

'In fact, even the Boxes are-'

'How about Box Eight? I've heard as Box Eight is always empty.'

Bucket's knife rattled on his plate. 'Er, Box Eight, Box Eight, you see,

we don't. . .'

'I was thinking of donating a little something,' said Granny.

'But Box Eight, you see, although technically unsold, is. . .'

'Two thousand dollars was what I had in mind,' said Granny. 'Oh, dear me,

your waitress has let her dumplings go all over the place. It's so

difficult to get reliable and polite staff these days, ain't it. . . ?'

Salzella and Bucket stared at one another across the table.

Then Bucket said, 'Excuse me, my lady, I must just have a brief

discussion with my director of music.'

The two men hurried to the far end of the room, where they began to argue

in whispers.

'Two thousand dollars!' hissed Nanny, watching them.

'It might not be enough,' said Granny. 'They're both looking very red in

the face.'

'Yes, but two thousand dollars!'

'It's only money.'

'Yes, but it's only my money, not only your money,' Nanny pointed out.

'We witches have always held everything in common, you know that,' said

Granny.

'Well, yes,' said Nanny, and once again cut to the heart of the

sociopolitical debate. 'It's easy to hold everything in common when no

one's got anything.'

'Why, Gytha Ogg,' said Granny, 'I thought you despised riches!'

'Right, so I'd like to get the chance to despise them up close.' ,

'But I knows you, Gytha Ogg. Money'd spoil you.'

'I'd just like the chance to prove that it wouldn't, that's all I'm

saying.'

'Hush, they're coming back-'

Mr Bucket approached, smiled uneasily, and sat down. 'Er,' he began, 'it

has to be Box Eight, does it? Only we could perhaps persuade someone in

one of the other-'

'Wouldn't hear of it,' said Granny. 'I've heard that there's no one ever

seen in Box Eight.'

'Er. . . haha. . . it's laughable, I know, but there are some old

theatrical traditions associated with Box Eight,, absolute rubbish of

course, but. . .'

He left the 'but' hanging there hopefully. It froze in the face of

Granny's stare.

'You see, it's haunted,' he mumbled.

'Oh lawks,' said Nanny Ogg, vaguely remembering to stay in character.

'Another vat of slumpie, Senior Basilica? And how about another quart of

beer?'

'Mmfmmf,' said the tenor encouragingly, taking time out from his eating

to point a fork at his empty mug.

Granny went on staring.

'Excuse me,' said Bucket again.

He and Salzella went into another huddle, out of which came sounds like

'But two thousand dollars! That's a lot of shoes!'

Bucket surfaced again. His face was grey. Granny's stare could do that to

people.

Page

99

'Er. . . because of the danger, er, which of course doesn't exist, haha,

we. . . that is, the management. . . feel it incumbent on us to insist,

that is, politely request, that if you do enter Box Eight you do so in

company with a. . . man.'

He ducked slightly.

'A man?' said Granny.

'For protection,' said Bucket in a little voice.

'Although who'd protect him we really couldn't say,' said Salzella under

his breath.

'We thought perhaps one of the staff. . .' Bucket mumbled.

'Ai am quate capable of finding my own man should the need arise,' said

Granny, in a voice with snow on it.

Bucket's polite reply died in his throat when he saw, just behind Lady

Esmerelda, Mrs Ogg grinning like a full moon.

'Anyone for pudding?' she said.

She held a big bowl on a tray. There seemed to be a heat haze over it.

'My word,' he said, 'that looks delicious!'

Enrico Basilica looked over the top of his food with the expression of a

man who has had the amazing privilege of going to heaven while still

alive.

'Mmmf!'

It was damp. And, with the demise of Mr Pounder, there were indeed rats.

The stone looked old, too. Of course, all stone was old, Agnes told

herself, but this had grown old as masonry. Ankh-Morpork had been here

for thousands of years. Where other cities were built on clay or rock or

loam, Ankh-Morpork was built on Ankh-Morpork. People constructed new

buildings on the remains of earlier ones, knocking out a few doorways

here and there to turn ancient bedrooms into cellars.

The stairs petered out on damp flagstones, in almost total darkness.

Perdita thought it looked romantic and gothic.

Agnes thought it looked gloomy.

If someone used this place they'd need lights, wouldn't they? And a

fumbling search confirmed it. She found a candle and some matches tucked

into a niche in the wall.

That was sobering for Agnes and Perdita together. Someone used this

prosaic book of matches with a picture of a grinning troll on the cover,

and this piece of perfectly ordinary candle. Perdita would have preferred

a flaming torch. Agnes didn't know what she would have preferred. It was

just that, if a mysterious person came and sang in the walls, and moved

around the place like a ghost, and possibly killed people. . . well,

you'd prefer a bit more style than a box of matches with a picture of a

grinning troll on it. That was the sort of thing a murderer would use.

She lit the candle and, in two minds about it all, went on into the dark.

Chocolate Delight with Special Secret Sauce was a great success and

heading down the little red lane as though hotwired.

'More, Mr Salzella?' said Bucket. 'This really is first-class stuff;

isn't it? I must congratulate Mrs Clamp.'

'There is a certain piquancy, I must say,' said the director of music.

'How about you, Senor Basilica?'

'Mmmf.'

'Lady Esmerelda?'

'I don't mind if I do,' said Granny, passing her plate across.

'I'm sure I detect a hint of cinnamon,' said the interpreter, a brown

ring around his mouth.

'Indeed, and possibly just a trace of nutmeg,' said Mr Bucket.

'I thought. . . cardamom?' said Salzella.

Page

100

'Creamy yet spicy,' said Bucket. His eyes unfocused slightly. 'And

curiously. . . warming.'

Granny stopped chewing, and looked down suspiciously at her plate.

Then she sniffed at her spoon.

'Is it, er. . .is it just me, or is it a trifle. . . warm in here?' said

Bucket.

Salzella had gripped the arms of his chair. His forehead glistened. 'Do

you think we could open a window?' he said. 'I feel a little. . .

strange.'

'Yes, by all means,' said Bucket.

Salzella half-rose, and then a preoccupied expression suffused his

features. He sat down suddenly.

'No, I rather believe I'll just sit quietly for a moment,' he said.

'Oh, dear,' said the interpreter. There was a hint of vapour around his

collar.

Basilica tapped him politely on the shoulder, grunted hopefully, and made

pass-it-here motions in the direction of the half-finished dish of

chocolate pudding.

'Mmmf?' he said.

'Oh, dear,' said the interpreter.

Mr Bucket ran a finger around his collar. Sweat was beginning to roll

down his face.

Basilica gave up on his stricken colleague and reached across in a

businesslike way to hook the dish with his fork.

'Er. . . Yes,' said Bucket, trying to keep his eyes away from Granny.

'Yes. . . indeed,' said Salzella, his voice coming from a long way away.

'Oh, dear,' said the interpreter, his eyes watering.

'Ai! Meu Deus! Dio Mio! O Goden! D'zuk f't! Aagorahaa!'

Senor Basilica upended the rest of the Special Secret Sauce on to his

plate and carefully scraped out the dish with his spoon, holding it

upside-down to reach the last little bit.

'The weather has been a little. . . cool of late,' Bucket managed. 'Very

cold, in fact.'

Enrico held the sauce-dish up to the light and regarded it critically in

case there was any drop hiding in a corner.

'Snow, ice, frost. . . that sort of thing,' said Salzella. 'Yes, indeed!

Coldness of all descriptions, in fact.'

'Yes! Yes!' said Bucket gratefully. 'And at a time like this I think it

is very important to try to remember the names of, say, any number of

boring and hopefully chilly things!'

'Wind, glaciers, icicles-'

'Not icicles!'

'Oh,' said the interpreter, and slumped forward into his plate. His head

hit a spoon, which cartwheeled into the air and bounced off Enrico's

head.

Salzella started to whistle under his breath and pound the arm of his

chair.

Bucket blinked. In front of him was the water jug. The cold water jug. He

reached out. . .

'Oh, oh, oh, dear me, what can I say, I seem to have spilled it all over

myself,' he said, through the rising clouds of steam. 'What a

butterfingers I am, to be sure. I shall ring for Mrs Ogg to bring us

another one.'

'Yes, indeed,' said Salzella. 'And perhaps you would care to do it soon?

I am also feeling very. . . accident-prone.'

Basilica, still chewing, lifted his interpreter's head off the table and

carefully tipped the man's unfinished pudding into his own plate.

Page

101

'In fact, in fact, in fact,' said Salzella, 'I think I shall just. . .

have a brisk. . . have a nice cold. . .if you would excuse me a minute. .

.'

He pushed back his chair and fled the room in a kind of crouching gait.

Mr Bucket glistened. 'I'll just, I'll just, I'll just. . . be back quite

shortly,' he said, and scurried away.

There was silence, broken only by the scrape of Senor Basilica's spoon

and a sizzling noise from the interpreter.

Then the tenor belched baritone. 'Whoops, pardon my Klatchian,' he said.

'Oh. . . damn.'

He appeared to notice the depleted table for the first time. He shrugged,

and smiled hopefully at Granny. 'Is there a cheeseboard, do you think?'

he said.

The door flew open and Nanny Ogg burst in, holding a bucket of water in

both hands.

'All right, all right, that's-' she began, and then stopped.

Granny dabbed primly at the corners of her mouth with her napkin. 'I'm

sorry, Mrs Ogg?' she said.

Nanny looked at the empty dish in front of Basilica.

'Or perhaps some fruit?' said the tenor. 'A few nuts?'

'How much has he had?' she whispered.

'Best part of half,' said Granny. 'But I don't reckon it's having any

effect on account of not touching the sides.'

Nanny turned her attention to Granny's plate. 'How about you?' she said.

'Two helpings,' said Granny. 'With extra sauce, Gytha Ogg, may you be

forgiven.'

Nanny looked at her with something like admiration in her eyes. 'You

ain't even sweating!' she said.

Granny picked up her water glass and held it at arm's length.

After a few seconds, the water began to boil.

'All right, you're getting really good, I've got to admit it,' said

Nanny. 'I reckon I should have to get up real early to put one over on

you.'

'I reckon you should never go to sleep,' said Granny.

'Sorry, Esme.'

Senor Basilica, at a loss to follow the conversation, realized with

reluctance that the meal was probably over.

'Absolutely superb,' he said. 'I just loved that pudding, Mrs Ogg.'

'I should just jolly well expect you did, Henry Slugg,' said Nanny.

Henry carefully removed a clean handkerchief from his pocket, put it over

his face, and leaned back in his chair. The first snore occurred a few

seconds later.

'He's easy to have around, isn't he?' said Nanny. 'Eat, sleep and sing.

You certainly know where you are with him. I've found Greebo, by the way.

He's still following Walter Plinge around.' Her expression became a

little defiant. 'Say what you like, young Walter's all right by me if

Greebo likes him.'

Granny sighed. 'Gytha, Greebo would like Norris the Eyeball-Eating Maniac

of Quirm if he knew how to put food in a bowl.'

And now she was lost. She'd done her best not to be. As Agnes had walked

through each dank room she'd thoughtfully taken note of details. She'd

carefully remembered right and left turns. And yet she was lost.

Here and there were steps down to lower cellars, but the water-level was

so high that it was lapping at the first step. And it stank. The candle

burned with a greenish-blue edge to the flame.

Somewhere, said Perdita, there was the secret room. If there wasn't a

huge and glittering secret cavern, what on earth was life for? There had

Page

102

to be a secret room. A room, full of. . . giant candles, and enormous

stalagmites. . .

But it certainly isn't here, said Agnes.

She felt a complete idiot. She'd gone through the mirror looking for. . .

well, she wasn't quite prepared to admit what she might have been looking

for, but whatever it was it certainly wasn't this.

She'd have to shout for help.

Of course, someone might hear, but that was always a risk when you

shouted for help.

She coughed.

'Er. . . hello?'

The water gurgled.

'Er. . . help? Is there anyone there?'

A rat ran over her foot.

Oh, yes, she thought bitterly with Perdita's part of her brain, if

Christine had come down here there probably would have been some great

glistening cave and delicious danger. The world saved up rats and smelly

cellars for Agnes, because she had such a wonderful personality.

'Um. . .anyone?'

More rats scuttled across the floor. There was a faint squeaking from the

side-passages.

'Hello?'

She was lost in some cellars with a candle getting shorter by the second.

The air was foul, the flagstones were slippery, no one knew where she

was, she could die down here, she could be-Eyes glowed in the darkness.

One was green-yellow, the other pearly white.

A light appeared behind them.

Something was coming along the passageway, casting long shadows.

Rats tumbled over themselves in their panic to get away. . .

Agnes tried to press herself into the stone.

'Hello Miss Perdita X Nitt!'

A familiar shape juddered out of the darkness, just behind Greebo. It was

all knees and elbows; it carried a sack over one shoulder and held a

lantern in its other hand. Something fled from the darkness. The terror

leached out of it. . .

'You don't want to be down here Miss Nitt with all the rats!'

'Walter!'

'Got to do Mister Pounder's job now the poor man is passed away! I am a

person of all jobs! No peas for the wicked! But Mister Greebo just hits

them with his paws and they're off to rat heaven in a jiff!'

'Walter!' repeated Agnes, out of sheer relief.

'Come for an explore have you? These ole tunnels goes all the way to the

river! You have to keep your wits about you not to get lost down here!

Want to come back with me?'

It was impossible to be frightened of Walter Plinge. Walter attracted a

number of emotions, but terror wasn't among them.

'Er. . . yes,' said Agnes. 'I got lost. Sorry.'

Greebo sat down and started to wash himself in what Agnes considered to

be a supercilious way. If a cat could snigger, he would be sniggering.

'Now I've got a full sack I have to take it to Mister Gimlet's shop!'

announced Walter, turning around and loping out of the cellar without

bothering to see if she was following him. 'We get a ha'penny each which

is not to be sneezed at! The dwarfs think a rat is a good meal which only

goes to show it would be a strange world if we were all alike!'

It seemed a ridiculously short journey to the foot of some different

stairs, which had a well-used look to them.

Page

103

'Have you ever seen the Ghost, Walter?' said Agnes, as Walter put his

foot on the first step.

He didn't turn around. 'It is wrong to tell lies!'

'Er. . . yes, so I believe. So. . . when did you last see the Ghost?'

'I last saw the Ghost in the big room in the ballet school!'

'Really? What did he do?'

Walter paused for a moment, and then the words came out all together. 'He

ran off?'

He stamped up the stairs in a way that suggested very emphatically that

the exchange was over.

Greebo sneered at Agnes and followed him.

The stairs went up just one flight and came out through a trapdoor

backstage. She had been lost only a door or two from the real world.

No one noticed her emerge. But then no one noticed her at all. They just

assumed that she'd be around when she was needed.

Walter Plinge had already loped off, in something of a hurry.

Agnes hesitated. They probably wouldn't even notice she wasn't there,

right up to the point when Christine opened her mouth. . .

He hadn't wanted to answer, but Walter Plinge spoke when spoken to and

she had a feeling that he wasn't able to lie. Telling lies would be being

bad.

She'd never seen the ballet school. It wasn't far backstage, but it was a

world of its own. The dancers issued from it every day like so many very

thin and twittering sheep under the control of elderly women who looked

as though they breakfasted on pickled limes. It was only after she'd

timidly asked a few questions of the stage-hands that she'd realized that

the girls had joined the ballet because they'd wanted to.

She had seen the dancers' dressing-room, where thirty girls washed and

changed in a space rather smaller than Bucket's office. It bore the same

relationship to ballet as compost did to roses.

She looked around again. Still no one had paid any attention to her.

She headed for the school. It was up a few steps, along a foetid corridor

lined with notice-boards and smelling of ancient grease. A couple of

girls fluttered past. You never saw just one: they went around in groups,

like mayflies. She pushed open the door and stepped into the school.

Reflections of reflections of reflections. . .

There were mirrors on every wall.

A few girls, practising on the bars that lined the room, looked up as she

entered.

Mirrors. . .

Out in the passage she leaned against the wall and got her breath back.

She'd never liked mirrors. They always seemed to be laughing at her. But

didn't they say it was the mark of a witch, not liking to get between two

mirrors? It sucked out your soul, or something. A witch would never get

between two mirrors if she could help it. . .

But, of course, she very definitely wasn't a witch. So she took a deep

breath, and went back into the room.

Images of herself stretched away in every direction.

She managed a few steps, then wheeled around and groped for the doorway

again, watched by the surprised dancers.

Lack of sleep, she told herself. And general over-excitement. Anyway, she

didn't need to go right into the room, now that she knew who the Ghost

was.

It was so obvious. The Ghost didn't require any mysterious nonexistent

caves when all he needed to do was hide where everyone could see him.

Mr Bucket knocked at the door of Salzella's office. A muffled voice said,

'Come in.'

Page

104

There was no one in the office, but there was another closed door in the

far wall. Bucket knocked again, and then rattled the door handle.

'I'm in the bath,' said Salzella.

'Are you decent?'

'I'm fully clothed, if that's what you mean. Is there a pail of ice out

there?'

'Was it you who ordered it?' said Bucket guiltily.

'Yes!'

'Only I, er, I had it taken to my office so I could stick my feet in it.

. .'

'Your feet?'

'Yes. Er. . . I went for a brisk run around the city, don't know why,

just felt like it. . .'

'Well?'

'My boots caught fire on the second lap.'

There was a sloshing noise and some sotto voce grumbling and then the

door swung open, revealing Salzella in a purple dressing-gown.

'Has Senor Basilica been safely tethered?' he said, dripping on the

floor.

'He's going through the music with Herr Trubelmacher.'

'And he's. . . all right?'

'He sent along to the kitchen for a snack.'

Salzella shook his head. 'Astonishing.'

'And they've put the interpreter in a cupboard. They don't seem to be

able to get him unfolded.'

Bucket sat down carefully. He was wearing carpet slippers.

'And-' Salzella prompted.

'And what?'

'Where did that dreadful woman go?'

'Mrs Ogg is showing her around. Well, what else could I do? Two thousand

dollars, remember!'

'I am endeavouring to forget,' said Salzella. 'I promise never to talk

about that lunch ever again, if you don't either.'

'What lunch?' said Bucket innocently.

'Well done.'

'She does seem to have an amazing effect though, doesn't she. . .'

'I don't know who you are talking about.'

'I mean, it's not hard to see how she made her money. . .'

'Good heavens, man, she's got a face like a hatchet!'

'They say that Queen Ezeriel of Klatch had a squint, but that didn't stop

her having fourteen husbands, and that was only the official score.

Besides, she's knocking on a bit. . .'

'I thought she'd been dead for two hundred years!'

'I'm talking about Lady Esmerelda.'

'So am I.'

'At least try to be civil to her at the soiree before the performance

tonight.'

'I'll try.'

'The two thousand might be only the start, I hope. Every time I open a

drawer there are more bills! We seem to owe money to everyone!'

'Opera is expensive.'

'You're telling me: Whenever I try to make a start on the books,

something dreadful happens. Do you think I might just have a few hours

without something awful happening?'

'In an opera house?'

The voice was muffled by the half-dismantled mechanism of the organ.

'All right-give me middle C.'

Page

105

A hairy finger pressed a key. It made a thudding noise and somewhere in

the mechanism something else went woing.

'Blast, it's come off the peg. . . hold on again. . .

The note rang out sweet and clear.

'O-kay,' said the voice of the man hidden in the exposed entrails of the

organ. 'Wait until I tighten the peg. . .'

Agnes stepped closer. The hulking figure seated at the organ turned

around and gave her a friendly grin, which was much wider than the

average grin. Its owner was covered in red hair and, while short-changed

in the leg department, had obviously been first in the queue when the arm

counter opened. And had also been given a special free offer of lip.

. . .try

'André?' said Agnes weakly.

The organist extracted himself from the mechanism. He was holding a

complicated wooden bar with springs on it. 'Oh, hello,' he said.

'Er. . . who is this?' said Agnes, backing away from the primeval

organist.

'Oh, this is the Librarian. I don't think he has a name. He's the

Librarian at Unseen University but, much more importantly, he's their

organist and it turns out our organ is a Johnson[8], just like theirs.

He's given us some spare parts-'

'Ook'

'Sorry, lent us some spare parts.'

'He plays the organ?'

'In an amazingly prehensile way, yes.'

Agnes relaxed. The creature didn't seem about to attack.

'Oh,' she said. 'Well. . . I suppose it's natural, because sometimes

barrel-organ men came to our village and they often had a dear little

mon-'

There was a crashing chord. The orang-utan raised its other hand and

waved a finger politely in front of Agnes's face.

'He doesn't like being called a monkey,' said André. 'And he likes you.'

'How can you tell?,

'He doesn't usually go in for warnings.'

She stepped back quickly and grabbed the boy's arm. 'Can I have a word

with you?' she said.

'We've got only a few hours and I'd really like to get this-'

'It's important.'

He followed her into the wings. Behind them, the Librarian tapped a few

keys on the half-repaired keyboard and then ducked underneath.

'I know who the Ghost is,' whispered Agnes.

André stared at her. Then he pulled her further into the shadows. 'The

Ghost isn't anybody,' he said softly. 'Don't be silly. It's just the

Ghost.'

'I mean he's someone else when he takes his mask off.'

Who.

'Should I tell Mr Bucket and Mr Salzella?'

'Who? Tell them about who?'

'Walter Plinge.'

He stared at her again.

'If you laugh I'll. . . I'll kick you,' said Agnes.

'But Walter isn't even-'

'I didn't believe it either but he said he saw the Ghost in the ballet

school and there's mirrors all over the walls and he'd be quite tall if

he stood up properly and he roams around in the cellars-'

'Oh, come on. . .'

'The other night I thought I heard him singing on the stage when everyone

else had gone.'

Page

106

'You saw him?'

'It was dark.'

'Oh, well. . .' André began dismissively.

'But afterwards I'm certain I heard him talking to the cat. Talking

normally, I mean. I mean like a normal person, I mean. And you've got to

admit. . . he is strange. Isn't he just the sort of person who'd want to

wear a mask to hide who he is?' She sagged. 'Look, I can see you don't

want to listen-'

'No! No, I think. . . well. . .'

'I just thought I'd feel better if I told someone.'

André smiled in the gloom. 'I wouldn't mention it to anyone else,

though.'

Agnes looked down at her feet. 'I suppose it does sound a bit farfetched. . .'

André laid a hand on her arm. Perdita felt Agnes draw herself back. 'Do

you feel better?' he said.

'I. . . don't know. . . I mean. . . I don't know. . . I mean, I just

can't imagine him hurting anyone. . . I feel so stupid. . .'

'Everyone's on edge. Don't worry about it.'

'I'd. . . hate you to think I was being silly-'

'I'll keep an eye on Walter, if you like.' He smiled at her. 'But I'd

better get on with things,' he added. He gave her another smile, as fast

and brief as summer lightning.

'Thank y-'

He was already walking back to the organ.

* * *

This shop was a gentlemen's outfitters.

'It's not for me,' said Nanny Ogg. 'It's for a friend. He's six foot

tall, very broad shoulders.'

'Inside leg?'

'Oh, yes.'

She looked around the store. Might as well go all the way. It was her

money, after all.

'And a black coat, long black tights, shoes with them shiny buckles, one

of those top hats, a big cloak with a red silk lining, a bow-tie, a

really posh black cane with a very nobby silver knob on it. . . and. . .

a black eye-patch.'

'An eye-patch?'

'Yes. Maybe with sequins or something on it, since it's the opera.'

The tailor stared at Nanny. 'This is a little irregular,' he said. 'Why

can't the gentleman come in himself?'

'He ain't quite a gentleman yet.'

'But, madam, I meant that we have to get the size right.'

Nanny Ogg looked around the shop. 'Tell you what,' she said, 'you sell me

something that looks about right and we'll adjust him to fit. 'Souse me.

. .'

She turned away demurely

-twingtwangtwong

-and turned back, smoothing down her dress and holding a leather bag.

'How much'll it be?' she said.

The tailor looked blankly at the bag. 'I'm afraid we won't be able to

have all that ready until at least next Wednesday,' he said.

Nanny Ogg sighed. She felt she was becoming familiar with one of the most

fundamental laws of physics. Time equalled money. Therefore, money

equalled time.

Page

107

'I was sort of hoping to get it all a bit quicker than that,' she said,

jingling the bag up and down.

The tailor looked down his nose at her. 'We are craftsmen, madam. How

long did you think it should take?'

'How about ten minutes?' '

Twelve minutes later she left the shop with a large packet under one arm,

a hatbox under the other, and an ebony cane between her teeth.

Granny was waiting outside. 'Got it all?'

'Ess.'

'I'll take the eye-patch, shall I?'

'We've got to get a third witch,' said Nanny, trying to rearrange the

parcels. 'Young Agnes has got good strong arms.'

'You know if we was to drag her out of there by the scruff of her neck

we'd never hear the last of it,' said Granny. 'She'll be a witch when she

wants to be.'

They headed for the Opera House's stage-door.

'Afternoon, Les,' said Nanny cheerfully as they entered. 'Stopped itching

now, has it?'

'Marvellous bit of ointment that was you gave me, Mrs Ogg,' said the

stage-doorkeeper, his moustache bending into something that might have

been a smile.

'Mrs Les keeping well? How's her sister's leg?'

'Doing very well, Mrs Ogg, thank you for asking.'

'This is just Esme Weatherwax who's helping me with some stuff,' said

Nanny.

The doorkeeper nodded. It was clear that any friend of Mrs Ogg was a

friend of his. 'No trouble at all, Mrs Ogg.'

As they passed through into the dusty network of corridors Granny

reflected, not for the first time, that Nanny had a magic all of her own.

Nanny didn't so much enter places as insinuate herself; she had

unconsciously taken a natural talent for liking people and developed it

into an occult science. Granny Weatherwax did not doubt that her friend

already knew the names, family histories, birthdays and favourite topics

of conversation of half the people here, and probably also the vital

wedge that would cause them to open up. It might be talking about their

children, or a potion for their bad feet, or one of Nanny's really filthy

stories, but Nanny would be in and after twenty-four hours they'd have

known her all their lives. And they'd tell her things. Of their own free

will. Nanny Got On with people. Nanny could get a statue to cry on her

shoulder and say what it really thought about pigeons.

It was a knack. Granny had never had the patience to acquire it. just

occasionally, she wondered whether it might have been a good idea.

'Curtain up in an hour and a half,' said Nanny. 'I promised Giselle I'd

give her a hand. . .'

'Who's Giselle?'

'She does makeup.'

'You don't know how to do makeup!'

'I distempered our privy, didn't I?' said Nanny.

'And I paint faces on eggs for the kiddies every Soul Cake Tuesday.'

'Got to do anything else, have you?' said Granny sarcastically. 'Open the

curtains? Fill in for a ballet dancer who's been taken poorly?'

'I did say I'd help with the drinks at the swarray,' said Nanny, letting

the irony slide off like water on a red-hot stove. 'Well, a lot of the

staff have buggered off 'cos of the Ghost. It's in the big foyer in half

an hour. I expect you ought to be there, being a patronizer.'

'What's a swarray?' said Granny suspiciously.

'It's a sort of posh party before the opera.'

'What do I have to do?'

Page

108

'Drink sherry and make polite conversation,' said Nanny. 'Or

conversation, anyway. I saw the grub being done for it. They've even got

little cubes of cheese on sticks stuck in a grapefruit, and you don't get

much posher than that.'

'Gytha Ogg, you ain't done any. . . special dishes, have you?'

'No, Esme,' said Nanny Ogg meekly.

'Only you've got an imp of mischief in you.'

'Been far too busy for anything like that,' said Nanny.

Granny nodded. 'Then we'd better find Greebo,' she said.

'You sure about this, Esme?' said Nanny.

'We might have a lot to do tonight,' said Granny. 'Maybe we could do with

an extra pair of hands.'

'Paws.'

'At the moment, yes.'

* * *

It was Walter. Agnes knew it. It wasn't knowledge in her mind, exactly.

It was practically something she breathed. She felt it as a tree feels

the sun.

It all fitted. He could go anywhere, and no one took any notice of Walter

Plinge. In a way he was invisible, because he was always there. And, if

you were someone like Walter Plinge, wouldn't you long to be someone as

debonair and dashing as the Ghost?

If you were someone like Agnes Nitt, wouldn't you long to be someone as

dark and mysterious as Perdita X Dream?

The traitor thought was there before she could choke it off. She added

hurriedly: But I've never killed anyone.

Because that's what I'd have to believe, isn't it? If he's the Ghost,

then he's killed people.

All the same. . . he does look odd, and he talks as if the words are

trying to escape. . .

A hand touched her shoulder. She spun round.

'It's only me!' said Christine.

'. . .Oh.'

'Don't you think this is a marvellous dress!?'

'What?'

'This dress, silly!!'

Agnes looked her up and down. 'Oh. Yes. Very nice,' she said, disinterest

lying on her voice like rain on a midnight pavement.

'You don't sound very impressed!! Really, Perdita, there's no need to be

jealous!!'

'I'm not jealous, I was thinking. . .'

She'd only seen the Ghost for a moment, but he certainly hadn't moved

like Walter. Walter walked as though his body were being dragged along by

his head. But the certainty was as hard as marble now.

'Well, you don't seem very impressed, I must say!!'

'I'm wondering if Walter Plinge is the Ghost,' said Agnes, and

immediately cursed herself, or at least pooted. She felt embarrassed

enough about André's reaction.

Christine's eyes widened. 'But he's a clown!!'

'He walks odd and he talks odd,' said Agnes, 'but if he stood up

straight-'

Christine laughed. Agnes felt herself getting angry. 'And he practically

told me he was!'

'You believed him, did you?!' Christine made a little tutting sound that

Agnes considered quite offensive. 'Really, you girls believe the

strangest things!!'

Page

109

'What do you mean, we girls?'

'Oh, you know! The dancers are always saying they've seen the Ghost all

over the place-'

'Good grief! Do you think I'm some sort of impressionable idiot? Think

for a minute before answering!'

'Well, of course I don't, but-'

'Huh!'

Agnes strode off into the wings, concerned more with effect than

direction. The background noise of the stage faded behind her as she

stepped into the scenery store. It didn't lead anywhere except to a pair

of big double doors opening to the world outside. It was full of bits of

castles, balconies and romantic prison cells, stacked any old how.

Christine hurried up behind her.

'I really didn't mean. . . look, not Walter. . . he's just a very odd

odd-job man!'

'He does all kinds of jobs! No one ever knows where he is-they all just

assume he's around!'

'All right, but you don't have to get so worked up-'

There was the faintest of sounds behind them.

They turned.

The Ghost bowed.

'Who's a good boy, then? Nanny's got a bowl of fish eggs for a good boy,'

said Nanny, trying to see under the big dresser in the kitchen.

'Fish eggs?' said Granny, coldly.

'I borrowed them from the stuff they've done for the swarray,' said

Nanny.

'Borrowed?' said Granny.

'That's right. Come along, Greebo, who's a good boy then?'

'Borrowed. You mean. . . when the cat's finished with them, you're going

to give them back?'

'It's only a manner of speaking, Esme,' said Nanny in a hurt little

voice. 'It's not the same as stealing if you don't mean it. Come along,

boy, here's some lovely fish eggs for you. . .'

Greebo pulled himself further into the shadows.

* * *

There was a little sigh from Christine and she folded up into a faint.

But she managed, Agnes noticed sourly, to collapse in a way that probably

didn't hurt when she hit the ground and which showed off her dress to the

best effect. It was beginning to dawn on Agnes that Christine was

remarkably clever in some specialized ways.

She looked back at the mask.

'It's all right,' she said, her voice sounding hoarse even to her. 'I

know why you're doing it. I really do.'

No expression could cross that ivory face, but the eyes flickered.

Agnes swallowed. The Perdita part of her wanted to give in right now,

because that would be more exciting, but she stood her ground.

'You want to be something else and you're stuck with what you are,' said

Agnes. 'I know all about that. You're lucky. All you have to do is put on

a mask. At least you're the right shape. But why did you have to go and

kill people? Why? Mr Pounder couldn't have done you any harm! But. . . he

poked around in odd places, didn't he, and he. . . found something?'

The Ghost nodded slightly, and then held out his ebony cane. He grasped

both ends and pulled, so that a long thin sword slid out.

'I know who you are!' Agnes burst out, as he stepped forward. 'I. . . I

could probably help you! It might not have been your fault!' She backed

Page

110

away. 'I haven't done anything to you! You don't have to be afraid of

me!'

She backed away further as the figure advanced.

The eyes, in the dark hollows of the mask, glinted like tiny jewels.

'I'm your friend, don't you see? Please, Walter! Walter!'

There was, far off, an answering sound that seemed as loud as thunder and

as impossible, in the circumstances, as a chocolate kettle.

It was the clank of a bucket handle.

'What's the matter Miss Perdita Nitt?'

The Ghost hesitated.

There was the sound of footsteps. Irregular footsteps.

The Ghost lowered the sword, opened a door in a piece of scenery painted

to represent a castle wall, bowed ironically and slipped away.

Walter rounded a corner.

He was an unlikely knight errant. For one thing, he had on evening dress

obviously designed for someone of a different shape. He was still wearing

his beret. He also wore an apron and was carrying a mop and bucket. But

no heroic lance-wielding rescuer ever galloped over a drawbridge more

happily. He was practically surrounded by a golden glow.

'. . . Walter?'

'What's the matter with Miss Christine?'

'She. . . er. . . she fainted,' said Agnes. 'Er' Probably. . . yes,

probably the excitement. With the opera. Tonight. Yes. Probably. The

excitement. Because of the opera tonight.'

Walter gave her a slightly worried look. 'Yes,' he said, and added

patiently, 'I know where there's a medicine box shall I get it?'

Christine groaned and fluttered her eyelashes. 'Where am I?'

Perdita gritted Agnes's teeth. Where am I? That didn't sound the sort of

thing someone said when they woke up from a faint; it sounded more like

the sort of thing they said because they'd heard it was the sort of thing

people said.

'You fainted,' she said. She looked hard at Walter. 'Why were you in

here, Walter?'

'Got to mop out the stage-hands' privy Miss Nitt. Always having trouble

I've been working on it for months!'

'But you're wearing evening dress!'

'Yes then I got to be a waiter afterwards because we're short-handed and

there's no one else to be a waiter when they have drinks and sausages on

poles before the opera.'

No one could have moved that fast. True, Walter and the Ghost hadn't both

been in the room at the same time, but she'd heard his voice. No one

could have had time to duck around behind the piles of flats and turn up

at the opposite side of the room in seconds, unless they were some sort

of wizard. Some of the girls did say the Ghost could almost seem to be in

two places at once. Perhaps there were other secret places like the old

staircase. Perhaps he-She stopped herself. Walter Plinge wasn't the Ghost, then. There was no

sense in trying to find some excitable explanation to prove wrong right.

She'd told Christine. Well, Christine was giving her just a slightly

bemused look as Walter helped her up. And she'd told André, but he hadn't

seemed to believe her so probably that was all right.

Which meant that the Ghost was. . .

. . .someone else.

She'd been so certain.

'You'll enjoy it, mother. You really will.'

Page

111

' 'Tain't for the likes of us, Henry. I don't see why Mr Morecombe

couldn't give you tickets to see Nellie Stamp at the music hall. Now

that's what I call music. Proper tunes you can understand.'

'Songs like "She Sits Among the Cabbages and Leeks" are not very

cultural, mother.'

Two figures wandered through the crowds heading for the Opera House. This

was their conversation.

' 'S a good laugh, though. And you don't have to hire suits. Seems daft

to me, havin' to wear a special suit just to listen to music.'

'It enhances the experience,' said young Henry, who had read this

somewhere.

'I mean, how does the music know?' said his mother. 'Now, Nellie Stamp-'

'Come along, mother.'

It was going to be one of those evenings, he knew it.

Henry Lawsy did his best. And, given the starting point, it wasn't a bad

best. He was a clerk in the firm of Morecombe, Slant & Honeyplace, a

somewhat oldfashioned legal partnership. One reason for its less-thanmodern approach was the fact that Messrs Morecombe and Honeyplace were

vampires and Mr Slant was a zombie. The three partners were, therefore,

technically dead, although this did not prevent them putting in a proper

day's work-normally during the night, in the case of Mr Morecombe and Mr

Honeyplace.

From Henry's point of view the hours were good and the job was not

onerous, but he chafed somewhat about his promotion prospects because

clearly dead men's shoes were being fully occupied by dead men. He'd

decided that the only way to succeed was to better himself by Improving

His Mind, which he tried to do at every opportunity. It is probably a

full description of Henry Lawsy's mind that if you had given him a book

called How to Improve Your Mind in Five Minutes, he would have read it

with a stopwatch. His progress through life was hampered by his

tremendous sense of his own ignorance, a disability which affects all too

few people.

Mr Morecombe had given him two opera tickets as a reward for sorting out

a particularly problematical tort. He'd invited his mother because she

represented 100 per cent of all the women he knew.

People tended to shake Henry's hand cautiously, in case it came off.

He'd bought a book about the opera and read it carefully, because he'd

heard that it was absolutely unheard-of to go to an opera without knowing

what it was about, and the chance of finding out while you were actually

watching it was remote. The book's reassuring weight was in his pocket

right now. All he needed to complete the evening was a less embarrassing

parent.

'Can we get some peanuts before we go in?' said his mother.

'Mother, they don't sell peanuts at the opera.'

'No peanuts? What're you supposed to do if you don't like the songs?'

Greebo's suspicious eyes were two glows in the gloom.

'Poke him with a broom-handle,' suggested Granny.

'No,' said Nanny. 'With someone like Greebo you have to use a little bit

of kindness.'

Granny closed her eyes and waved a hand.

There was a yowl from under the kitchen's dresser and a sound .of frantic

scrabbling. Then, his claws scoring tracks in the floor, Greebo came out

backwards, fighting all the way.

'Mind you, a lot of cruelty does the trick as well,' Nanny conceded.

'You've never been much of a cat person, have you, Esme?'

Greebo would have hissed at Granny, except that even his cat brain was

just bright enough to realize this was not the best move he could make.

Page

112

'Give him his fish eggs,' Granny said. 'He might as well have them now as

later.'

Greebo inspected the dish. Oh, this was all right, then. They wanted to

give him food.

Granny nodded at Nanny Ogg. They held out their hands, palm-up.

Greebo was halfway through the caviar when he felt It happening.

'Wrrroowlllll-' he wailed, and then the voice went deeper as his chest

expanded, and rose physically as his back legs lengthened under him.

His ears flattened against his head, and then crept down the sides.

'-llllwwaaaa-'

'The jacket's a forty-four-inch chest,' said Nanny. Granny nodded.

'-aaaaoooo-'

His face flattened. His whiskers spread out. Greebo's nose developed a

life of its own.

'-oooooss. . . sshit!'

'He certainly gets the hang of it quicker these days,' said Nanny.

'You put some clothes on right now, my lad,' said Granny, who had shut

her eyes.

Not that this made much difference, she had to admit later. Greebo fully

clothed still managed to communicate the nakedness beneath. The

insouciant moustache, the long sideburns and the tousled black hair

combined with the well-developed muscles to give the impression of the

more louche kind of buccaneer or a romantic poet who'd given up on the

opium and tried red meat instead. He had a scar running across his face,

and a black patch now where it crossed the eye. When he smiled, he exuded

an easy air of undistilled, excitingly dangerous lasciviousness. He could

swagger while asleep. Greebo could, in fact, commit sexual harassment

simply by sitting very quietly in the next room.

Except as far as the witches were concerned. To Granny a cat was a damn'

cat whatever shape it was, and Nanny Ogg always thought of him as Mister

Fluffy.

She adjusted the bow-tie and stood back critically. 'What do you think?'

she said.

'He looks like an assassin, but he'll do,' said Granny.

'Oh, what a nasty thing to say!'

Greebo waved his arms experimentally and fumbled with the ebony cane.

Fingers took a bit of getting used to, but cat reflexes learned fast.

Nanny waved a finger playfully under his nose. He took a half-hearted

swipe at it.

'Now you just stay with Granny and do what she tells you like a good

boy,' she said.

'Yess, Nan-ny,' said Greebo reluctantly. He managed to grip the stick

properly.

'And no fighting.'

'No, Nan-ny.'

'And no leaving bits of people on the doormat.'

'No, Nan-ny.'

'We'll have no trouble like we did with those robbers last month.'

'No, Nan-ny.'

He looked depressed. Humans had no fun. Incredible complications

surrounded the most basic activities.

'And no turning back into a cat again until we say.'

'Yess, Nan-ny.'

'Play your cards right and there could be a kipper in this for you.'

'Yess, Nan-ny.'

'What're we going to call him?' said Granny. 'He can't just be Greebo,

which I've always said was a damn' silly name for a cat.'

'Well, he looks aristocratic-' Nanny began.

Page

113

'He looks like a beautiful brainless bully,' Granny corrected her.

'Aristocratic,' repeated Nanny.

'Same thing.'

'We can't call him Greebo, anyway.'

'We'll think of something.'

Salzella leaned disconsolately against the marble banister of the foyer's

grand staircase and stared gloomily into his drink.

It had always seemed to him that one of the major flaws in the whole

business of opera was the audience. They were quite unsuitable. The only

ones worse than the ones who didn't know anything at all about music, and

whose idea of a sensible observation was 'I liked that bit near the end

when her voice went wobbly', were the ones who thought they did. . .

'Want a drink do you Mister Salzella? There's lots you know!'

Walter Plinge ambled by, his black suit making him look like a very good

class of scarecrow.

'Plinge, you just say "Drink, sir?" ' said the director of music. 'And

please take off that ridiculous beret.'

'My mum made it for me!'

'I'm sure she did, but-'

Bucket sidled up to him. 'I thought I told you to keep Senor Basilica

away from the canapes!' he hissed.

'I'm sorry, I couldn't find a big enough crowbar,' said Salzella, waving

away Walter and his beret. 'Anyway, isn't he supposed to be communing

with his muse in his dressing-room? The curtain goes up in twenty

minutes!'

'He says he sings better on a full stomach.'

'Then we're in for a big treat tonight.'

Bucket turned and surveyed the scene. 'It's going well, anyway,' he said.

'I suppose so.'

'The Watch are here, you know. In secret. They're mingling.'

'Ah. . . let me guess. . .'

Salzella looked around at the crowds. There was, indeed, a very short man

in a suit intended for a rather larger man; this was especially the case

with the opera cloak, which actually trailed on the floor behind him to

give the overall impression of a superhero who had spent too much time

around the Kryptonite. He was wearing a deformed fur hat and trying

surreptitiously to smoke a cigarette.

'You mean that little man with the words "Watchman in Disguise" flashing

on and off just above his head?'

'Where? I didn't see that!'

Salzella sighed. 'It's Corporal Nobby Nobbs,' he said wearily. 'The only

known person to require an identity card to prove his species. I've

watched him mingle with three large sherries.'

'He's not the only one, though,' said Mr Bucket. 'They're taking this

seriously.,

'Oh, yes,' said Salzella. 'If we look over there, for example, we see

Sergeant Detritus, who is a toll, and who is wearing what in the

circumstances is actually a rather well-fitting suit. It is therefore, I

feel, something of a pity he has neglected to remove his helmet. And

these, you understand, the Watch has chosen for their ability to blend.'

'Well, they'll certainly be useful if the Ghost strikes again,' said

Bucket, hopelessly.

'The Ghost would have to-' Salzella stopped. He blinked. 'Oh, good

grief,' he whispered. 'What has she found?'

Bucket turned. 'That's Lady Esmerelda. . . oh.'

Page

114

Greebo strolled in alongside her with the gentle swagger that makes women

thoughtful and men's knuckles go white. The buzz of conversation was

momentarily hushed, and then rose again to -a slightly shriller buzz.

'I'm impressed,' said Salzella.

'He certainly doesn't look like a gentleman,' said Bucket. 'Look at the

colour of that eye!' He set his face into what he hoped was a smile, and

bowed.

'Lady Esmerelda!' he said. 'How pleasant to see you again! Won't you

introduce us to your. . . guest?'

'This is Lord Gribeau,' said Granny. 'Mr Bucket, the owner, and Mr

Salzella, who seems to run the place.'

'Haha,' said Salzella.

Gribeau snarled, revealing longer incisors than any that Bucket had seen

outside a zoo. And Bucket had never seen such a greenish-yellow eye. The

pupil was all wrong. . .

'Ahaha. . .' he said. 'And may I order you something?'

'He'll have milk,' said Granny firmly.

'I expect he has to keep up his strength,' said Salzella.

Granny spun around. Her expression would have etched steel.

'Anyone for a drink?' said Nanny Ogg, appearing out of nowhere with a

tray and adroitly stepping between them like a very small peace-keeping

force. 'Got a bit of everything here. . .'

'Including a glass of milk, I see,' said Bucket.

Salzella looked from one witch to the other. 'That's remarkably

foresighted of you,' he said.

'Well, you never know,' said Nanny.

Gribeau took the glass in both hands and lapped at it with his tongue.

Then he looked at Salzella.

'What yourrr lookin aat? Neverrr seem mil-uk drun beforr?'

'Never quite. . .like that, I must admit.'

Nanny winked at Granny Weatherwax as she turned to scurry away.

Granny caught her arm. 'Remember,' she whispered, 'when we go into the

Box. . . you keep an eye on Mrs Plinge. Mrs Plinge knows something. I

ain't sure what's going to happen. But it is going to happen.'

'Right,' said Nanny. She bustled off, muttering under her breath, 'Oh,

yes. . . do this, do that-'

'Drink here, please, ma'am.'

Nanny looked down. 'Good grief,' she said. 'What are you?'

The apparition in the fur hat winked at her. 'I'm the Count de Nobbs,' it

said, 'and this here,' it added, indicating a mobile wall, 'is the Count

de Tritus.'

Nanny glanced at the troll. 'Another Count? I'm sure there's

unaccountably more Counts here than I can count. And what can I get you,

officers?' she said.

'Officers? Us?' said the Count de Nobbs. 'What makes you think we're

Watchmen?'

'He's got a helmet on,' Nanny pointed out. 'Also, he's got his badge

pinned to his coat.'

'I told you to put it away!' Nobby hissed. He looked at Nanny and smiled

uneasily. 'Milit'ry chic,' he said. 'It's just a fashion accessory.

Actually, we are gentlemen of means and have nothing to do with the city

Watch whatsoever.'

'Well, gentlemen, would you like some wine?'

'Not while we on duty, yanks,' said the troll.

'Oh, yes, thank you very much, Count de Tritus,' said Nobby bitterly.

'Oh, yes, very undercover, that is! Why don't you just wave your

truncheon around where everyone can see it?'

'Well, if you t'ink it'd help-'

Page

115

'Put it away!'

The Count de Tritus's eyebrows met with the effort of thought. 'Dat was

irony, den, was it? To a superior officer?'

'Can't be a superior officer, can you, 'cos we ain't Watchmen. Look,

Commander Vimes explained it three times. . .'

Nanny Ogg tactfully moved away. It was bad enough watching them blow

their cover without sucking at it as well.

This was a new world, all right. She was used to a life where the men

wore the bright clothes and the women wore black. It made it a lot easier

to decide what to put on in the mornings. But inside the Opera House the

rules of clothing were all in reverse, just like the laws of common

sense. Here the women dressed like frosted peacocks and the men looked

like penguins.

So. . . there were coppers here. Nanny Ogg was basically a law-abiding

person when she had no reason to break the law, and therefore had that

kind of person's attitude to law-enforcement officers, which was one of

deep and permanent distrust.

There was their approach to theft, for example. Nanny had a witch's view

of theft, which was a lot more complicated than the attitude adopted by

the law and, if it came to it, people who owned property worth stealing.

They tended to wield the huge blunt axe of the law in circumstances that

required the delicate scalpel of common sense.

No, thought Nanny. Policemen with their great big boots were not required

here on a night like this. It would be a good idea to put a thumbtack

under the ponderous feet of Justice.

She ducked behind a gilt statue and fumbled in the recesses of her

clothing while people nearby looked around in puzzlement at the erratic

twanging of elastic. She was sure she had one around somewhere-she'd

packed it in case of emergencies. . .

There was the clink of a small bottle. Ah, yes.

A moment later Nanny Ogg emerged decorously with two small glasses on her

tray, and headed purposefully for the Watchmen.

'Fruit drink, officers?' she said. 'Oh, silly me, what am I saying, I

didn't mean officers. Home-made fruit drink?'

Detritus sniffed suspiciously, immediately clearing his sinuses. 'What's

in it?' he said.

'Apples,' said Nanny Ogg promptly. 'Well. . . mainly apples.'

Under her hand, a couple of spilt drops finished eating their way through

the metal of the tray and dropped on to the carpet, where they smoked.

The auditorium buzzed with the sound of operagoers settling down and Mrs

Lawsy trying to find her shoes.

'You really shouldn't have taken them off, mother.'

'My feet are giving me gyp.'

'Did you bring your knitting?'

'I think I must've left it in the Ladies.'

'Oh, mother.'

Henry Lawsy marked his place in his book and raised his runny eyes

heavenward, and blinked. Right above him-a long way above him-was a

glittering circle of light.

His mother followed his gaze. 'What's that, then?'

'I think it's a chandelier, mother.'

'It's a pretty big one. What's holding it up?'

'I'm sure they've got special ropes and things, mother.'

'Looks a bit dangerous, to my mind.'

'I'm sure it's absolutely safe, mother.'

'What do you know about chandeliers?'

Page

116

'I'm sure people wouldn't come into the Opera House if there was any

chance of a chandelier dropping on their heads, mother,' said Henry,

trying to read his book.

Il Truccatore, The Master of Disguise.

Il Truccatore (ten.), a mysterious nobleman, causes scandal in the city

when he woos high-born ladies while disguised as their husbands. However,

Laura (sop.), the new bride of Capriccio (bar.), refuses to give in to

his blandishments-Henry put a bookmark in the book, took a smaller book from his pocket,

and carefully looked up 'blandishments'. He was moving in a world he

wasn't quite sure of; embarrassment lay waiting at every turn, and he

wasn't going to get caught out over a word. Henry lived his life in

permanent dread of Being Asked Questions Later.

-and with the help of his servant Wingie (ten.) he adopts a subterfuge-The dictionary came out again for a moment.

--culminating-And again.

-in the scene at the famous Masked Ball at the Duke's Palace. But Il

Truccatore has not reckoned with his old adversary the Count de-'Adversary'. . .Henry sighed, and reached for his pocket.

'Curtain up in five minutes. . .'

Salzella reviewed his troops. They consisted of scenebuilders and

painters and all those other employees who could be spared for the

evening. At the end of the line, about fifty per cent of Walter Plinge

had managed to stand to attention.

'Now, you all know your positions,' said Salzella. 'And if you see

anything, anything at all, you are to let me know at once. Do you

understand ?'

'Mr Salzella!'

'Yes, Walter?'

'We mustn't interrupt the opera Mr Salzella!'

Salzella shook his head. 'People will understand, I'm sure-'

'Show must go on Mr Salzella!'

'Walter, you will do what you're told!'

Someone raised a hand. 'He's got a point, though, Mr Salzella. . .'

Salzella rolled his eyes. 'Just catch the Ghost,' he said. 'If we can do

it without a lot of shouting, that's good. Of course I don't want to stop

the show.' He saw them relax.

A deep chord rolled out over the stage.

'What the hell was that?'

Salzella strode behind the stage and was met by André, looking excited.

'What's going on?'

'We repaired it, Mr Salzella! Only. . . well, he doesn't want to give up

the seat. . .'

The Librarian nodded at the director of music. Salzella knew the orangutan, and among the things he knew was that, if the Librarian wanted to

sit somewhere, then that was where he sat. But he was a first-class

organist, Salzella had to admit. His lunchtime recitals in the Great Hall

of Unseen University were extremely popular, especially since the

Page

117

University's organ had every single sound-effect that Bloody Stupid

Johnson's inverted genius had been able to contrive. No one would have

believed, before a pair of simian hands had worked on the project, that

something like Doinov's romantic Prelude in G could be rescored for

Whoopee Cushion and Squashed Rabbits.

'There's the overtures,' said André, 'and the ballroom scene. . .'

'At least get him a bow-tie,' said Salzella.

'No one can see him, Mr Salzella, and he hasn't really got much of a

neck. . .'

'We do have standards, André.'

'Yes, Mr Salzella.'

'Since you seem to have been relieved of employment this evening, then

perhaps you could help us apprehend the Ghost.'

'Certainly, Mr Salzella.'

'Fetch him a tie, then, and come with me.'

A little later, left to himself, the Librarian opened his copy of the

score and placed it carefully on the stand.

He reached down under the seat and pulled out a large brown paper bag of

peanuts. He wasn't entirely sure why André, having talked him into

playing the organ this evening, had told the other man that it was

because he, the Librarian, wouldn't budge. In fact, he'd got some

interesting cataloguing to do and had been looking forward to it.

Instead, he seemed to be here for the night, although a pound of shelled

peanuts was handsome pay by any ape's standards. The human mind was a

deep and abiding mystery and the Librarian was glad he didn't have one

any more.

He inspected the bow-tie. As André had foreseen, it presented certain

problems to someone who'd been behind the door when the necks were handed

out.

Granny Weatherwax stopped in front of Box Eight and looked around. Mrs

Plinge wasn't visible. She unlocked the door with what was probably the

most expensive key in the world.

'And you behave yourself,' she said.

'Ye-ess, Gran-ny,' moaned Greebo.

'No going to the lavatory in the corners.'

'No, Gran-ny.'

Granny glared at her escort. Even in a bow-tie, even with his fine

moustaches waxed, he was still a cat. You just couldn't trust them to do

anything except turn up for meals.

The inside of the Box was rich red plush, picked out with gilt

decoration. It was like a soft little private room.

There were a couple of fat pillars on either side, supporting part of the

weight of the balcony above. She looked over the edge and noted the drop

to the Stalls below. Of course, someone could probably climb in from one

of the adjacent Boxes, but that'd be in full view of the audience and

would be bound to cause some comment. She peeked under the seats. She

stood on a chair and felt around the ceiling, which had gilt stars on it.

She inspected the carpet minutely.

She smiled at what she saw. She'd been prepared to bet that she knew how

the Ghost got in, and now she was certain.

Greebo spat on his hand and tried ineffectually to groom his hair.

'You sit quiet and eat your fish eggs,' said Granny.

'Ye-ess, Gran-ny.'

'And watch the opera, it's good for you.'

'Ye-ess, Gran-ny.'

Page

118

'Evenin', Mrs Phnge!' said Nanny cheerfully. 'Ain't this excitin'? The

buzz of the audience, the air of expectation, the blokes in the orchestra

findin' somewhere to hide the bottles and tryin' to remember how to play.

. . all the exhilaration an' drama of the operatic experience waitin' to

unfold. . .'

'Oh, hello, Mrs Ogg,' said Mrs Plinge. She was polishing glasses in her

tiny bar.

'Certainly very packed,' said Nanny. She looked sidelong at the old

woman.[9] 'Every seat sold, I heard.'

This didn't achieve the expected reaction.

'Shall I give you a hand cleaning out Box Eight?' she went on.

'Oh, I cleaned it out last week,' said Mrs Plinge. She held a glass up to

the light.

'Yes, but I heard her ladyship is very particular,' said Nanny. 'Very

picky about things.'

'What ladyship?'

'Mr Bucket has sold Box Eight, see,' said Nanny.

She heard a faint tinkle of glass. Ah.

Mrs Plinge appeared at the doorway of her nook. 'But he can't do that!'

'It's his Opera House,' said Nanny, watching Mrs Plinge carefully. 'I

suppose he thinks he can.'

'It's the Ghost's Box!'

Opera-goers were appearing along the corridor.

'I shouldn't think he'd mind just for one night,' said Nanny Ogg. 'The

show must go on, eh? Are you all right, Mrs Plinge?'

'I think I'd just better go and-' she began, stepping forward.

'No, you have a good sit down and a rest,' said Nanny, pressing her back

with gentle but irresistible force.

'But I should go and-'

'And what, Mrs Plinge? said Nanny.

The old woman went pale. Granny Weatherwax could be nasty, but then

nastiness was always in the window: you were aware that it might turn up

on the menu. Sharpness from Nanny Ogg, though, was like being bitten by a

big friendly dog. It was all the worse for being unexpected.

'I daresay you wanted to go and have a word with somebody, did you, Mrs

Plinge?' said Nanny softly. 'Someone who might be a little shocked to

find his Box full, perhaps? I reckon I could put a name to that someone,

Mrs Plinge. Now, if-'

The old woman's hand came up holding a bottle of champagne and then came

down hard in an effort to launch the SS Gytha Ogg on to the seas of

unconsciousness. The bottle bounced.

Then Mrs Plinge leapt past and scuttled away, her polished little black

boots twinkling.

Nanny Ogg caught the doorframe and swayed a little while blue and purple

fireworks went off behind her eyes. But there was dwarf in the Ogg

ancestry, and that meant a skull you could go mining with.

She stared muzzily at the bottle. 'Year of the Insulted Goat,' she

mumbled. ' 'S a good year.'

Then consciousness gained the upper hand.

She grinned as she galloped after the retreating figure. In Mrs Plinge's

place she'd have done exactly the same thing, except a good deal harder.

Agnes waited with the others for the curtain to go up. She was one of the

crowd of fifty or so townspeople who would hear Enrico Basilica sing of

his success as a master of disguise, it being a vital part of the entire

process that, while the chorus would listen to expositions of the plot,

and even sing along, they would suffer an instant lapse of memory

afterwards so that later unmaskings would come as a surprise.

Page

119

For some reason, without any word being spoken, as many people as

possible seemed to have acquired very broad-brimmed hats. Those who

hadn't were taking every opportunity to glance upwards.

Beyond the curtain, Herr Trubelmacher launched the overture.

Enrico, who had been chewing a chicken leg, carefully put the bone on a

plate and nodded. The waiting stage-hand dashed off.

The opera had begun.

Mrs Plinge reached the bottom of the grand staircase and hung on to the

banister, panting.

The opera had started. There was no one around. And no sounds of pursuit,

either.

She straightened up, and tried to get her breath back.

'Coo-ee, Mrs Plinge!'

Nanny Ogg, waving the champagne bottle like a club, was already

travelling at speed when she hit the first turn in the banister, but she

leaned like a professional and kept her balance as she went into the

straight, and then tilted again for the next curve. . .

. . .which left only the big gilt statue at the bottom. It is the fate of

all banisters worth sliding down that there is something nasty waiting at

the far end. But Nanny Ogg's response was superb. She swung a leg over as

she hurtled downwards and pushed herself off, her nailed boots leaving

grooves in the marble as she spun to a halt in front of the old woman.

Mrs Plinge was lifted off her feet and carried into the shadows behind

another statue.

'You don't want to try and outrun me, Mrs Plinge,' Nanny whispered, as

she clamped a hand firmly over Mrs Plinge's mouth. 'You just want to wait

here quietly with me. And don't go thinking I'm nice. I'm only nice

compared to Esme, but so is practic'ly everyone. . .'

'Mmf!'

With one hand tightly around Mrs Plinge's arm and another over her mouth,

Nanny peered round the statue. She could hear the singing, far off:

Nothing else happened. After a while, she started to fret. Perhaps he'd

taken fright. Perhaps Mrs Plinge had left him some sort of signal.

Perhaps he'd decided that the world was currently too dangerous for

Ghosts, although Nanny doubted he could ever decide that. . .

At this rate the first act would be over before-A door opened somewhere. A lanky figure in a black suit and a ridiculous

beret crossed the foyer and went up the stairs. At the top, they saw it

turn in the direction of the Boxes and disappear.

'Y'see,' said Nanny, trying to get the stiffness out of her limbs, 'the

thing about Esme is, she's stupid. . .'

'Mmf?'

'. . .so she thinks that the most obvious way, d'y'see, for the Ghost to

get in and out of the Box is through the door. If you can't find a secret

panel, she reckons, it's because it ain't there. A secret panel that

ain't there is the best kind there is, the reason bein', no bugger can

find it. That's where you people all think too operatic, see? You're all

cooped up in this place, listening to daft plots what don't make sense,

and I reckon it does something to your minds. People can't find a

trapdoor so they say, oh, deary me, what a hidden trapdoor it must be.

Whereas a normal person, e.g., me and Esme, we'd say: Maybe there ain't

one, then. And the best way for the Ghost to get around the place without

being seen is for him to be seen and not noticed. Especially if he's got

keys. People don't notice Walter. They looks the other way.'

She gently released her grip. 'Now, I don't blame you, Mrs Plinge, 'cos

I'd do the same for one of mine, but you'd have done better to trust Esme

right at the start. She'll help you if she can.'

Page

120

Nanny let Mrs Plinge go, but kept a grip on the champagne bottle, just in

case.

'What if she can't?' said Mrs Plinge bitterly.

'You think Walter did those murders?'

'He's a good boy!'

'I'm sure that's the same as a "no", isn't it?'

'They'll put him in prison!'

'If he done them murders, Esme won't let that happen,' said Nanny.

Something sank into Mrs Plinge's not very alert mind. 'What do you mean,

she won't let that happen?' she said.

'I mean,' said Nanny, 'that if you throw yourself on Esme's mercy, you

better be damn' sure you deserve to bounce.'

'Oh, Mrs Ogg!'

'Now, don't you worry about anything,' said Nanny, perhaps a little late

under the circumstances. It occurred to her that the immediate future

might be a little bit easier on everyone if Mrs Plinge got some wellearned rest. She fumbled in her clothing and produced a bottle, half-full

of some cloudy orange liquid. 'I'll just give you a sip of a little

something to calm your nerves. . .'

'What is it?'

'It's a sort of tonic,' said Nanny. She flicked the cork out with her

thumb; on the ceiling above her, the paint crinkled. 'It's made from

apples. Well. . . mainly apples. . .'

Walter Plinge stopped outside Box Eight and looked around.

Then he removed his beret and pulled out the mask. The beret went into

his pocket.

He straightened up, and it looked very much as though Walter Plinge with

the mask on was several inches taller.

He took a key from his pocket and unlocked the door, and the figure that

stepped into the Box did not move like Walter Plinge. It moved as though

every nerve and muscle were under full and athletic control.

The sounds of the opera filled the Box. The walls had been lined with red

velvet and were hung with curtains. The chairs were high and well padded.

The Ghost slipped into one of them and settled down.

A figure leaned forward out of the other chair and said, 'You carrn't

havve my fisssh eggs!'

The Ghost leapt up. The door clicked behind him.

Granny stepped out from the curtains.

'Well, well, we meet again,' she said.

He backed away to the edge of the Box.

'I shouldn't think you could jump,' said Granny. 'It's a long way down.'

She focused her best stare on the white mask. 'And now, Mister Ghost-'

He sprang back on to the edge of the Box, saluted Granny flamboyantly,

and leapt upwards.

Granny blinked.

Up until now the Stare had always worked. . .

'Too damn' dark,' she muttered. 'Greebo!'

The bowl of caviar flew out of his nervous fingers and caused a Fortean

experience somewhere in the Stalls.

'Yess, Gran-ny!'

'Catch him! And there could be a kipper in it for you!'

Greebo snarled happily. This was more like it. Opera had begun to pall

for him the moment he realized that no one was going to pour a bucket of

cold water over the singers. He understood chasing things.

Besides, he liked to play with his friends.

Page

121

Agnes saw the movement out of the corner of her eye. A figure had jumped

out of one of the Boxes and was climbing up to the balcony. Then another

figure clambered after it, scrambling over the gilt cherubs.

Singers faltered in mid-note. There was no mistaking the leading figure.

It was the Ghost.

The Librarian was aware that the orchestra had stopped playing. Somewhere

on the other side of the backcloth the singers had stopped too. There was

a buzz of excited conversation and one or two cries.

The hairs all over his body began to prickle. Senses designed to protect

his species in the depths of the rainforest had adjusted nicely to the

conditions of a big city, which was merely drier and had more carnivores.

He picked up the discarded bow-tie and, with great deliberation, tied it

around his forehead so that he looked like a really formal Kamikaze

warrior. Then he threw away the opera score and stared blankly into space

for a moment. He knew instinctively that some situations required musical

accompaniment.

This organ lacked what he considered the most basic of facilities, such

as the Thunder pedal, a 128-foot Earthquake pipe and a complete keyboard

of animal noises, but he was certain there was something exciting that

could be done in the bass register.

He stretched out his arms and cracked his knuckles. This took some time.

And then he began to play.

* * *

The Ghost danced along the edge of the balcony, scattering hats and

opera-glasses. The audience watched in astonishment, and then began to

clap. They couldn't quite see how it fitted into the plot of the operabut this was an opera, after all.

He reached the centre of the balcony, trotted a little way up the aisle,

and then turned and ran down again at speed. He reached the edge, jumped,

jumped again, soared out into the auditorium. . .

. . .and landed on the chandelier, which jingled and began to sway

gently.

The audience stood up and applauded as he climbed through the jangling

tiers towards the central cable.

Then another shape clambered over the edge of the balcony and loped along

in pursuit. This was a stockier figure than the first man, one-eyed,

broad in the shoulders and tapering at the waist; he looked evil in an

interesting kind of way, like a pirate who really understood the words

'Jolly Roger'. He didn't even take a run but, when he reached the closest

part to the chandelier, simply launched himself into space.

It was clear that he wasn't going to make it.

And then it wasn't clear how he did.

Those watching through opera-glasses swore later that the man thrust out

an arm which merely seemed to graze the chandelier and yet was then

somehow able to swivel his entire body in mid-air:

A couple of people swore even harder that, just as the man reached out,

his fingernails appeared to grow by several inches.

The huge glass mountain swung ponderously on its rope and, as it reached

the end of the swing, Greebo swung out further, like a trapeze artist.

There was an appreciative 'oo' from the audience.

He twisted again. The chandelier hesitated for a moment at the extremity

of its arc, and then swept back again.

As it jangled and creaked over the Stalls the hanging figure swung

upwards, let go and did a backward somersault that dropped him in the

Page

122

middle of the crystals. Candles and prisms were scattered over the seats

below.

And then, with the audience clapping and cheering, he scrambled up the

rope after the fleeing Ghost.

Henry Lawsy tried to move his arm, but a fallen crystal had stapled the

sleeve of his coat to his armrest.

It was a quandary. He was pretty sure this wasn't supposed to happen, but

he wasn't certain.

Around him he could hear people hissing questions.

'Was that part of the plot?'

'I'm sure it must have been.'

'Oh, yes. Yes. It certainly was,' said someone further down the row,

authoritatively. 'Yes. Yes. The famous chase scene. Indeed. Oh, yes. They

did it in Quirm, you know.'

'Oh. . .yes. Yes, of course. I'm sure I heard about it. . .,

'I thought it was bloody good,' said Mrs Lawsy. 'Mother!'

'About time something interesting happened. You should've told me. I'd've

put my glasses on.'

Nanny Ogg pounded up the back stairs towards the fly loft.

'Something's gone wrong!' she muttered under her breath as she took the

stairs two at a time. 'She reckons she's only got to stare at 'em and

they're toffee in her hands, and then who has to sort it out afterwards,

eh? Go on, guess. . .'

The ancient wooden door at the top of the stairs gave way to Nanny Ogg's

boot with Nanny Ogg's momentum behind it, and cracked open on to a big,

shadowy space. It was full of running figures. Legs flickered in the

light of lanterns. People were shouting.

A figure ran straight towards her.

Nanny sprang into a crouch, both thumbs on the cork of the badly shaken

champagne bottle she held cradled under one arm.

'This is a magnum,' she said, 'and I'm not afraid to drink it!'

The figure stopped. 'Oh, it's you, Mrs Ogg. . .'

Nanny's infallible memory for personal details threw up a card. 'Peter,

isn't it?' she said, relaxing. 'The one with the bad feet?'

'That's right, Mrs Ogg.'

'The powder I give you is working, is it?'

'They're a lot better now, Mrs Ogg-'

'So what's been happening?'

'Mr Salzella caught the Ghost!'

'Really?'

Now that Nanny's eyes had-managed to discern some order in the chaos, she

could see a cluster of people in the middle of the floor, around the

chandelier.

Salzella was sitting on the planking. His collar was torn and a sleeve

had been ripped off his jacket, but he had a triumphant look in his eyes.

He waved something in the air.

It was white. It looked like a piece of a skull.

'It was Plinge!' he said. 'I tell you, it was Walter Plinge! Why are you

all standing around? Get after him!'

'Walter?' said one of the men, doubtfully.

'Yes, Walter!'

Another man hurried up, waving his lantern.

'I saw the Ghost heading up to the roof! And there was some big one-eyed

bastard going after him like a scalded cat!'

That's wrong, thought Nanny. Something wrong here.

'To the roof!' shouted Salzella.

Page

123

'Hadn't we better get the flaming torches first?'

'Flaming torches are not compulsory!'

'Pitchforks and scythes?'

'That's only for vampires!'

'How about just one torch?'

'Get up there now! Understand?'

* * *

The curtains closed. There was a smattering of applause which was barely

audible above the chatter from the audience.

The chorus turned to one another. 'Was that supposed to happen?'

Dust rained down. Stage-hands were scampering across the gantries far

above. Shouts echoed among the ropes and dusty backdrops. A stage-hand

ran across the stage, holding a flaming torch.

'Here, what's going on?' said a tenor.

'They've got the Ghost! He's heading for the roof! It's Walter Plinge!'

'What, Walter?'

'Our Walter Plinge?'

'Yes!'

The stage-hand ran on in a trail of sparks, leaving the yeast of rumour

to ferment in the ready dough that was the chorus.

'Walter? Surely not!'

'Weeelll. . . he's a bit odd, isn't he. . . ?'

'But only this morning he said to me, "It's a nice day Mr Sidney!" Just

like that. Normal as anything. Well. . . normal for Walter. . .'

'As a matter of fact, it's always worried me, the way his eyes move as

though they don't talk to each other-'

'And he's always around the place!'

'Yes, but he's the odd job man-'

'No argument about that!'

'It's not Walter,' said Agnes.

They looked at her.

'That's who he said they're chasing, dear.'

'I don't know who they're chasing, but Walter's not the Ghost. Fancy

anyone thinking Walter's the Ghost!' said Agnes, hotly. 'He wouldn't hurt

a fly! Anyway, I've seen-'

'He's always struck me as a bit slimy, though.'

'And they say he goes down into the cellars a lot. What for, I ask

myself? Let's face it. Fair's fair. He's crazy.'

'He doesn't act crazy!' said Agnes.

'Well, he always looks as though he's about to, you must admit. I'm going

to see what's happening. Anyone coming?'

Agnes gave up. It was a horrible thing to learn, but there are times when

evidence gets trampled and the hunt is on.

A hatch flew open. The Ghost clambered out, looked down, and slammed the

hatch shut. There was a yowl from below.

Then he danced across the leads until he reached the gargoyle-encrusted

parapet, black and silver in the moonlight. The wind caught at his cloak

as he ran along the very edge of the roof and dropped down again near

another door.

And a gargoyle was suddenly no longer a gargoyle, but a figure that

reached down suddenly and twitched off his mask.

It was like cutting strings.

'Good evening, Walter,' said Granny, as he sagged to his knees.

'Hello Missus Weatherwax!'

Page

124

'Mistress,' Granny corrected him. 'Now stand up.' There was a growl

further along the roof, and then a thump. Bits of trapdoor rose for a

moment against the moonlight.

'It's nice up here, ain't it?' said Granny. 'There's fresh air and stars.

I thought: up or down? But there's only rats down below.'

In another swift movement she grabbed Walter's chin and tilted it, just

as Greebo pulled himself on to the roof with prolonged murder in his

heart.

'How does your mind work, Walter Plinge? If your house was on fire,

what's the first thing you'd try to take out?

Greebo stalked along the rooftop, growling. He liked rooftops in general,

and some of his fondest memories involved them, but a trapdoor had just

been slammed on his head and he was looking for anything he could

disembowel.

Then he recognized the shape of Walter Plinge as someone who had given

him food. And, standing right next to him, the much more unwelcome shape

of Granny Weatherwax, who had once caught him digging in her garden and

had kicked him in the cucumbers.

Walter said something. Greebo didn't take much notice of it.

Granny Weatherwax said: 'Well done. A good answer. Greebo!'

Greebo nudged Walter heavily in the back.

'Want milluk right noaow! Purr, purr!'

Granny thrust the mask at the cat. In the distance people were running up

stairs and shouting.

'You put this on! And you stay down real low, Walter Plinge. One man in a

mask is pretty much like another, after all. And when they chase you,

Greebo. . . give them a run for their money. Do it right and there could

be-'

'Yurr, I knoaow,' said Greebo despondently, taking the mask. It was

turning out to be a long and busy evening for a kipper.

Someone poked their head out of the stricken trapdoor. The light glinted

off Greebo's mask. . . and it had to be said, even by Granny, that he

made a good Ghost. For one thing, his morphogenic field was trying to

reassert itself. His claws could no longer even remotely be thought of as

fingernails.

He spat at the pursuit as they poured up the steps, arched his back

dramatically on the very edge of the roof, and stepped off.

One storey down he thrust out an arm, caught a windowsill, and landed on

the head of a gargoyle, which said 'Oh, fank oo ver' mush' in a

reproachful voice.

The pursuers looked down at him. Some of them had managed to get hold of

flaming torches, because sometimes convention is too strong to be lightly

denied.

Greebo snarled defiance and dropped again, springing from sill to

drainpipe to balcony and pausing every now and again for another dramatic

pose and another snarl at the pursuers.

'We'd better get after him, Corporal de Nobbs,' said one of them, who was

staggering along behind.

'We'd better get after him by carefully going back down the stairs, you

mean. 'Cos somethin' I drank don't want to stay drunk. Much more runnin'

and I'll be droppin' a custard, I'm tellin' you.'

The other members of the posse also seemed to be reaching the conclusion

that there was no extended future in chasing a man down the sheer wall of

a building. As one mob they turned and, shouting and waving their torches

in the air, headed back to the stairs.

The parting crowd revealed Nanny Ogg, holding a pitchfork in one hand and

a torch in the other and thrusting them both in the air while muttering,

'Rhubarb, rhubarb.'

Page

125

Granny walked over and tapped her on the shoulder. 'They've gone, Gytha.'

'Rhuba-Oh, hello, Esme,' said Nanny, lowering the implements of

righteous retribution. 'I was just tagging along to see it didn't get out

of hand. Was that Greebo I saw just then?'

'Yes.'

'Awww, bless him,' said Nanny. 'He looked a bit bothered, though. I hope

he doesn't happen to anybody.'

'Where's your broomstick?' said Granny.

'It's in the cleaners' cupboard backstage.'

'Then I'll borrow it and keep an eye on things,' said Granny.

'Hey, he's my cat, I ought to be looking after him-' Nanny began.

Granny stepped aside, revealing a huddled shape sitting hugging its

knees. 'You look after Walter Plinge,' she said. 'It's something you'd be

better at than me.'

'Hello Mrs Ogg!' said Walter, mournfully.

Nanny looked at him for a moment.

'So he is the-?'

'Yes.'

'You mean he really did do the mur-?'

'What do you think?' said Granny.

'Well, if it comes to it, I think he didn't,' said Nanny. 'Can I have a

word in your ear, Esme? I don't reckon I should say this in front of

young Walter.'

The witches bent their heads together. There was a brief whispered

conversation.

'Everything is simple when you know the answer,' said Granny. 'I'll be

back soon.'

She hurried off. Nanny heard her shoes clattering on the stairs.

Nanny looked down at Walter again, and held out her hand. 'Up you get,

Walter.'

'Yes Mrs Ogg!'

'I expect we'd better find somewhere for you to lie low, eh?'

'I know a hidden place Mrs Ogg!'

'You do, do you?'

Walter lurched across the roof towards another trapdoor, and pointed to

it proudly.

'That?' said Nanny. 'That doesn't look very hidden to-me, Walter.'

Walter gave it a puzzled look, and then grinned in the way a scientist

might after he'd solved a particularly difficult equation. 'It's hidden

where everyone can see it Mrs Ogg!'

Nanny gave him a sharp look, but there was nothing but a slightly glazed

innocence in Walter's eyes.

He lifted up the trapdoor and pointed politely downwards. 'You go down

the ladder first so I will not see your drawers!'

'Very. . . kind of you,' said Nanny. It was the first time anyone had

ever said anything like that to her.

The man waited patiently until she had reached the bottom of the ladder,

and then climbed laboriously down after her.

'This is just an old staircase, isn't it?' said Nanny, prodding at the

darkness with her torch.

'Yes! It goes all the way down! Except at the bottom where it goes all

the way up!'

'Anyone else know about it?'

'The Ghost Mrs Ogg!' said Walter, climbing down.

'Oh, yes,' said Nanny slowly. 'And where's the Ghost now, Walter?'

'He ran away!'

She held up the torch. There was still nothing to be read in Walter's

expression. 'What does the Ghost do here, Walter?'

Page

126

'He watches over the Opera!'

'That's very kind of him, I'm sure.'

Nanny started downwards, and as the shadows danced around her she heard

Walter say: 'You know she asked me a very silly question Mrs Ogg! It was

a silly question any fool knows the answer!'

'Oh, yes,' said Nanny, peering at the walls. 'About houses on fire, I

expect. . .'

'Yes! What would I take out of our house if it was on fire!'

'I expect you were a good boy and said you'd take your mum,' said Nanny.

'No! My mum would take herself!'

Nanny ran her hands over the nearest wall. Doors had been nailed shut

when the staircase had been abandoned. Someone walking up and down here,

with a keen pair of ears, could hear a lot of things. . .

'What would you take out then, Walter?' she said.

'The fire!'

Nanny stared unseeing at the wall, and then her face slowly broke into a

grin.

'You're daft, Walter Plinge,' she said.

'Daft as a broom Mrs Ogg!' said Walter cheerfully.

But you ain't insane, she thought. You're daft but you're sane. That's

what Esme would say. And there's worser things.

Greebo pounded along Broadway. He was suddenly not feeling very well.

Muscles were twitching in odd ways. A tingling at the base of his spine

indicated that his tail wanted to grow, and his ears definitely wanted to

creep up the sides of his head, which is always embarrassing when it

happens in company.

In this case the company was about a hundred yards behind and apparently

intent on moving his ears quite a long way from their current position,

embarrassment or not.

It was gaining, too. Greebo normally had a famous turn of speed, but not

when his knees were trying to reverse direction every few seconds.

His normal plan when pursued was to jump on to the water-butt behind

Nanny Ogg's cottage and rake the pursuer across the nose with his claws

when it came around the corner. Since this would now involve a

fivehundred-mile dash, an alternative had to be sought.

There was a coach waiting outside one of the houses. He lurched over to

it, pulled himself up, grabbed the reins and briefly turned his attention

to the driver.

'Get orffl.'

Greebo's teeth shone in the moonlight. The coachman, with great presence

of mind and urgent absence of body, somersaulted backwards into the

night.

The horses reared, and tried to break into a gallop from a standing

start. Animals are less capable of being fooled than are humans; they

knew that what they had behind them was a very large cat, and the fact

that it was manshaped didn't make them any happier.

The coach lumbered off. Greebo looked over his twitching shoulder at the

torch lit crowd and waved a paw derisively. The effect pleased him so

much that he clambered on to the roof of the swaying coach and continued

to jeer.

It is a cat-like attribute to spit defiance at the enemy from a place of

safety. In the circumstances it would have been better if cat-like

attributes had included the ability to steer.

A wheel hit the parapet of the Brass Bridge and scraped along it, the

iron rim kicking up sparks. The shock knocked Greebo from his perch in

mid-gesture. He landed on his feet in the middle of the road, while the

Page

127

terrified horses continued on with the coach rocking dangerously from

side to side.

The pursuers stopped.

'What's he doing now?'

'He's just standing there.'

'There's only one of him and there's lots of us, right? We could easily

overpower him.'

'Good idea. On the count of three, we'll all rush him, right? One. . .

two. . . three. . .'Pause. 'You didn't run.'

'Well, nor did you.'

'Yes, but I was the one saying "one, two, three".'

'Remember what he did to Mr Pounder!'

'Yes, well, I never liked the man all that much. . .'

Greebo snarled. Ticklish things were happening to his body. He threw his

head back and roared.

'Look, at worst he'd only be able to get one or two of us'

'Oh, that's good, is it?'

'Here, why's he twisting around like that?'

'Maybe he hurt himself falling off the coach-'

'Let's get .him!'

The mob closed in. Greebo, struggling against a morphogenic field

swinging wildly between species, punched the first man in the face with a

hand and clawed the shirt off another man with something more like a

giant paw.

'Oh, shiiiooooo-'

Twenty hands grabbed him. And then, in the melee and the darkness, twenty

hands were holding just cloth and emptiness. Vengeful boots connected

with nothing more than air. Clubs that had been swung at a snarling face

whirled through empty space and returned to hit their owner on the ear.

'-ooooaaawwwwl!'

Quite unnoticed in the scrum, a flat-eared bullet of grey fur shot out

from between the scuffling legs.

The kicking and punching stopped only when it became apparent that all

the mob was attacking was itself. And, since the IQ of a mob is the IQ of

its most stupid member divided by the number of mobsters, it was never

very clear to anyone what had happened. Obviously they'd closed in on the

Ghost, and he certainly couldn't have escaped. All that was left was a

mask and some torn clothing. So, the mob reasoned, he must have ended up

in the river. And good riddance, too.

Happy in the knowledge of a job well done, they adjourned to the nearest

pub.

This left Sergeant Count de Tritus and Corporal the Count de Nobby Nobbs,

who lurched to the middle of the bridge and regarded the few scraps of

cloth.

'Commander Vimes isn't. . .isn't. . . isn't goin' to like dis,' said

Detritus. 'You know he likes prisoners to be alive.'

'Yeah, but this one would've been hung anyway,' said Nobby, who was

trying to stand upright. 'This way was just a bit more. . . democratic. A

great saving in terms of rope, not to mention wear and tear on locks and

keys.'

Detritus scratched his head. 'Shouldn't there be some blood?' he

ventured.

Nobby gave him a sour look. 'He couldn't've got away,' he said. 'So don't

go asking questions like that.'

'Only, if humans is hit hard enough, they leaks all over der place,' said

Detritus.

Nobby sighed. That was the calibre of people you got in the Watch these

days. They had to make a mystery of things. In days gone by, when it had

Page

128

been just the old gang and an unofficial policy of lazy fair, they'd have

said a heartfelt 'Well done, lads' to the vigilantes and turned in early.

But now old Vimes had been promoted to Commander he seemed to be

enrolling people who asked questions all the time. It was even affecting

Detritus, considered by other trolls to be as dim as a dead glowworm.

Detritus reached down and picked up an eye patch.

'What d'you think, then?' said Nobby scornfully. 'You think he turned

into a bat and flew away?'

'Ha! I do not t'ink that 'cos it is in. . . consist. . . ent with modern

policing,' said Detritus.

'Well, I think,' said Nobby, 'that when you have ruled out the

impossible, what is left, however improbable, ain't worth hanging around

on a cold night wonderin' about when you could be getting on the outside

of a big drink. Come on. I want to try a leg of the elephant that bit

me.'

'Was dat irony?'

'That was metaphor.'

Detritus, uneasy in what was technically his mind, prodded at the torn

pieces of clothing.

Something brushed against his leg. It was a cat. It had tattered ears,

one good eye, and a face like a fist with fur on it.

'Hello, little cat,' said Detritus.

The cat stretched and grinned. 'Gerrt lorssst, coppuurrrr. . .'

Detritus blinked. There are no such things as troll cats, and Detritus

had never seen a cat before he'd arrived in AnkhMorpork and discovered

that they were very, very hard to eat. And he'd never heard of them

talking. On the other hand, he was very much aware of his reputation as

the most stupid person in the city, and he wasn't going to draw attention

to a talking cat if it were going to turn out that everybody except him

knew that they talked all the time.

In the gutter, a few feet away, there was something white. He picked it

up carefully. It looked like the mask the Ghost had worn.

This was probably a Clue.

He waved it urgently. 'Hey, Nobby-'

'Thank you.' Something dipped through the darkness, snatched the mask

from the troll's hand, and soared into the night.

Corporal Nobbs turned around. 'Yes?' he said.

'Er. . . how big are birds? Normally?'

'Oh, blimey, I dunno. Some are small, some are big. Who cares?'

Detritus sucked his finger. 'Oh, no reason,' he said. 'I am far too smart

to be taken in by perfec'ly normal t'ings.'

Something squelched underfoot.

'It's pretty damp down here, Walter,' said Nanny.

And the air was stale and heavy and seemed to be squeezing the light from

the torch. There was a dark edge to the flame.

'Not far now Mrs Ogg!'

Keys jingled in the darkness, and some hinges creaked.

'I found this Mrs Ogg! It's the Ghost's secret cave!'

'Secret cave, eh?'

'You got to shut your eyes! You got to shut your eyes!' said Walter

urgently.

Nanny did so, but to her shame kept a grip on the torch, just in case.

She said: 'And is the Ghost in there, Walter?'

'No!'

There was the rattle of a matchbox and some scuffling, and then

'You can open them now Mrs Ogg!'

Nanny did so.

Page

129

Colour and light blurred and then swam into focus, first in her eyes and

then, eventually, in her brain. 'Oh, my,' she murmured. 'Oh, my, my. . .'

There were candles, the big flat ones used to illuminate the stage,

floating in shallow bowls. The light they gave was soft, and it rippled

over the room like the soul of water.

It glinted off the beak of a huge swan. It glittered in the eye of a

vast, sagging dragon.

Nanny Ogg turned slowly. Her experience of opera had not been a lengthy

one but witches pick things up quickly, and there was the winged helmet

worn by Hildabrun in The Ring of the Nibelungingung, and here was the

striped pole from The Barber of Pseudopolis, and there was the pantomime

horse with the humorous trapdoor from The Enchanted Piccolo, and here. .

.

. . .here was opera, all piled in a heap. Once the eye had taken it all

in, it had time to notice the peeling paint and rotting plaster and the

general air of gentle mouldering. The decrepit props and threadbare

costumes had been dumped in here because people didn't want them anywhere

else.

But someone did want them here. After the eye had seen the ruin, then

there was time for it to see the little patches of recent repair, the

careful areas of fresh paint.

There was something like a desk in the tiny area of floor not occupied by

the props. And then Nanny realized that it had a keyboard and a stool,

and there were neat piles of paper on top of it.

Walter was watching her with a big, proud grin.

Nanny ambled over to the thing. 'It's a harmonium, ain't it? A tiny

organ?'

'That's right Mrs Ogg!'

Nanny picked up one of the sheaves of paper. Her lips moved as she read

the meticulous copperplate writing.

'An opera about cats?' she said. 'Never heard of an opera about cats. .

.'

She thought for a moment, and then added to herself But why not? It's a

damn good idea. The lives of cats are just like operas, when you come to

think about it.

She leafed through the other piles. 'Guys and Trolls? Hubwards Side

Story? Miserable Les? Who's he? Seven Dwarfs for Seven Other Dwarfs?

What're all these, Walter?'

She sat down on the stool and pressed a few of the cracked yellow keys,

which moved with an audible creak. There were a couple of large pedals

under the harmonium. You pedalled these and that worked the bellows and

these spongy keys produced something which was to organ music what 'poot'

was to cursing.

So this was where Wal. . . where the Ghost sat, thought Nanny, down under

the stage, among the discarded wreckage of old performances; down under

the huge windowless room where, night after night, music and songs and

rampant emotion echoed back and forth and never escaped or entirely died

away. The Ghost worked down here, with a mind as open as a well, and it

filled up with opera. Opera went in at the ears, and something else came

out of the mind.

Nanny pumped the pedals a few times. Air hissed from inefficient seams.

She tried a few notes. They were reedy. But, she considered, sometimes

the old lie was true, and size really did not matter. It really was what

you did with it that counted.

Walter watched her expectantly.

She took down another wad of paper and peered at the first page. But

Walter leaned over and snatched at the script.

'That one's not finished Mrs Ogg!'

Page

130

* * *

The Opera House was still in uproar. Half the audience had gone outside

and the other half was hanging around in case further interesting events

were going to transpire. The orchestra was in a huddle in the pit,

preparing its request for a special Being Upset By A Ghost Allowance. The

curtains were closed. Some of the chorus had stayed on stage; others had

hurried off to take part in the chase. The air had the excited electric

feel it gets when normal civilized life is temporarily short-circuited.

Agnes bounced frantically from rumour to rumour. The Ghost had been

caught, and it was Walter Plinge. The Ghost had been caught by Walter

Plinge. The Ghost had been caught by someone else. The Ghost had escaped.

The Ghost was dead.

There were arguments breaking out everywhere.

'I still can't believe it was Walter! I mean, good grief. . . Walter?'

'What about the show? We can't just stop! You never stop the show, not

even if someone dies!'

'Oh, we have stopped when people died. . .'

'Yes, but only as long as it took to get the body off-stage!'

Agnes stepped back into the wings, and trod on something. 'Sorry,' she

said automatically.

'It was only my foot,' said Granny Weatherwax. 'So. . . how is life in

the big city, Agnes Nitt?'

Agnes turned. 'Oh. . . hello, Granny. . .' she mumbled. 'And I'm not

Agnes here, thank you,' she added, a shade more defiantly.

'It's a good job, is it, bein' someone else's voice?'

'I'm doing what I want to do,' said Agnes. She drew herself up to her

full width. 'And you can't stop me!'

'But you ain't part of it, are you?' said Granny conversationally. 'You

try, but you always find yourself watchin' yourself watchin' people, eh?

Never quite believin' anything? Thinkin' the wrong thoughts?'

'Shut up!'

'Ah. Thought so.'

'I have no intention of becoming a witch, thank you very much!'

'Now, don't go getting upset just because you know it's going to happen.

A witch you're going to be because a witch you are, and if you turn your

back on him now then I don't know what's going to happen to Walter

Plinge.'

'He's not dead?'

No.

Agnes hesitated. 'I knew he was the Ghost,' she began. 'But then I saw he

couldn't be.'

'Ah,' said Granny. 'Believed the evidence of your own eyes, did you? In a

place like this?'

'One of the stage-hands just told me they chased him up on to the roof

and then down into the street and beat him to death!'

'Oh, well,' said Granny, 'you'll never get anywhere if you believe what

you hear. What do you know?'

'What do you mean, what do I know?'

'Don't try cleverness on me, miss.'

Agnes looked at Granny's expression, and knew when to fold. 'I know he's

the Ghost,' she said.

'Right.'

'But I can see that he isn't.'

'Yes?'

'And I know. . . I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean any harm.'

Page

131

'Good. Well done. Walter might not know his right from his left, but he

does know his right from his wrong.' Granny rubbed her hands together.

'Well, we're already home and looking for a clean towel, eh?'

'What? You haven't solved anything!'

' 'Course we have. We know that it wasn't Walter what done the murders,

so now we just have to find out who it was. Easy.'

'Where's Walter now?'

'Nanny's got him somewhere.'

'She's all by herself?'

'I told you, she's got Walter.'

'I meant. . . well, he's a bit strange.'

'Only where it shows.'

Agnes sighed, and started to say that it wasn't her problem. And realized

it was useless even to try. The knowledge sat like a smug intruder in her

mind. Whatever it was, it was her problem.

'All right,' she said. 'I'll help you if I can, because I'm here. But

afterwards. . . that's it! Afterwards, you'll leave me alone. Promise?'

'Certainly.'

'Well. . . all right, then. . .' Agnes stopped. 'Oh, no,' she said. 'That

was too easy. I don't trust you.'

'Don't trust me?' said Granny. 'You're saying you don't trust me?'

'Yes. I don't. You'll find a way to wriggle around it.'

'I never wriggle,' said Granny. 'It's Nanny Ogg who thinks we ought to

have a third witch. I reckon life's difficult enough without some girl

cluttering up the place just because she thinks she looks good in a

pointy hat.'

There was a pause. Then Agnes said, 'I'm not falling for that one,

either. It's where you say I'm too stupid to be a witch and I say, oh no

I'm not, and you end up winning again. I'd rather be someone else's voice

than some old witch with no friends and having everyone frightened of me

and being nothing more than just a bit cleverer than other people and not

doing any real magic at all. . .'

Granny put her head on one side.

'Seems to me you're so sharp you might cut yourself,' she said. 'All

right. When it's all over, I'll let you go your own way. I won't stop

you. Now show me the way to Mr Bucket's office. . .'

Nanny smiled her jolly-wrinkled-old-apple smile. 'Now, you just hand it

over, Walter,' she said. 'No harm in letting me see it, is there? Not old

Nanny.'

'Can't see it till it's finished!'

'Well, now,' said Nanny, hating herself for dropping the atom bomb, 'I'm

sure your main wouldn't want to hear that you've been a bad boy, would

she?'

Expressions floated over Walter's waxen features as he struggled with

several ideas at once. Finally, without a word, he thrust the bundle at

her, his arms trembling with tension.

'There's a good boy,' said Nanny.

She glanced at the first few pages, and then moved them nearer to the

light. 'Hmm.'

She treadled the harmonium for a while and played a few notes with her

left hand. They represented most of the musical notes she knew how to

read. It was a very simple little theme, such as might be picked out on

the keyboard with one finger. 'Hey. . .'

Her lips moved as she read the narrative.

'Well now, Walter,' she said, 'isn't this a sort of opera about a ghost

who lives in an opera house?' She turned a page. 'Very smart and

debonair, he is. He's got a secret cave, I see. . .'

Page

132

She played another short riff. 'Catchy music, too.'

She read on, occasionally saying things like 'Well, well' and 'Lawks'.

Every now and again she'd give Walter an appraising look.

'I wonder why the Ghost wrote this, Walter?' she said, after a while.

'Quiet sort of chap, ain't he? Put it all into his music.'

Walter stared at his feet. 'There's going to be a lot of trouble Mrs

Ogg.'

'Oh, me and Granny will sort it all out,' said Nanny.

'It's wrong to tell lies,' said Walter.

'Probably,' said Nanny, who'd never let it worry her up to now.

'It wouldn't be right for our mum to lose her job Mrs Ogg.'

'It wouldn't be right, no.'

The feeling drifted over Nanny that Walter was trying to put across some

sort of message. 'Er. . . what sort of lies would it be wrong to tell,

Walter?'

Walter's eyes bulged. 'Lies. . . about things you see Mrs Ogg! Even if

you did see them!'

Nanny thought it was probably time to present the Oggish point of view.

'It's all right to tell lies if you don't think lies,' she said.

'He said our mum would lose her job and I'd be locked up if I said Mrs

Ogg!'

'Did he? Which "he" was he?'

'The Ghost Mrs Ogg!'

'I reckon Granny ought to have a good look at you, Walter,' said Nanny.

'I reckon your mind's all tangled up like a ball of string what's been

dropped.' She pedalled the harmonium thoughtfully. 'Was it the Ghost that

wrote all this music, Walter?'

'It's wrong to tell lies about the room with the sacks in it Mrs Ogg!'

Ah, thought Nanny. 'That'd be down here, would it?'

'He said I wasn't to tell anyone!'

'Who did?'

'The Ghost Mrs Ogg!'

'But you're-' Nanny began, and then tried another way. 'Ah, but I ain't

anyone,' she said. 'Anyway, if you was to go to this room with the sacks

and I was to follow you, that wouldn't be telling anyone, would it? It

wouldn't be your fault if some ole woman followed you, would it?'

Walter's face was an agony of indecision but, erratic though his thinking

might have been, it was no match for Nanny Ogg's meretricious duplicity.

He was up against a mind that regarded truth as a reference point but

certainly not as a shackle. Nanny Ogg could think her way through a

corkscrew in a tornado without touching the sides.

'Anyway, it's all right if it's me,' she added for good measure. 'In

fact, he prob'ly meant to say "except for Mrs Ogg", only he forgot.'

Slowly, Walter reached out and picked up a candle. Without saying a word

he walked out of the door and into the damp darkness of the cellars.

Nanny Ogg followed him, her boots making squelching noises in the mud.

It didn't seem like much of a distance. As far as Nanny could work out

they were no longer under the Opera House, but it was hard to be sure.

Their shadows danced around them and they walked through other rooms,

even more dark and dripping than the ones they'd been in. Walter stopped

in front of a pile of timber that glistened with rot, and pulled a few of

the spongy planks aside.

There were some sacks neatly piled.

Nanny kicked one, and it broke.

In the flickering candlelight all that she could really see were sparkles

of light as the cascade poured out, but there was no mistaking the gentle

metallic scraping of lots of money. Lots and lots of money. Enough money

Page

133

to suggest very clearly that it belonged to either a thief or a

publisher, and there didn't seem to be any books around.

'What's this, Walter?'

'It's the Ghost's money Mrs Ogg!'

There was a square hole in the opposite corner of the room. Water glinted

a few inches below. Beside the hole were half a dozen containers of

various sorts-old biscuit tins, broken bowls and the like. There was a

stick, or possibly a dead shrub, in each one.

'And those, Walter? What are those?'

'Rose bushes Mrs Ogg!'

'Down here? But nothing could gr-'

Nanny stopped.

She squelched over to the pots. They'd been filled with muck scraped from

the floor. The dead stems glistened with slime.

Nothing could grow down here, of course. There was no light. Everything

that grew needed something else to feed on. And. . .she moved the candle

closer, and sniffed the fragrance. Yes. It was subtle, but it was there.

Roses in darkness.

'Well, my word, Walter Plinge,' she said. 'Always one for the surprises,

you are.'

Books were piled on Mr Bucket's desk.

'What you're doing is wrong, Granny Weatherwax,' said Agnes from the

doorway.

Granny glanced up. 'Wrong as living other people's lives for them?' she

said. 'S' matter of fact, there's something even worse than that, which

is living other people's lives for yourself. That kind of wrong?'

Agnes said nothing. Granny Weatherwax couldn't know.

Granny turned back to the books. 'Anyway, this only looks wrong.

Appearances is deceivin'. You just pay attention to watching the

corridor, madam.'

She riffled through the bits of torn envelope and scribbled notes that

seemed to be the Opera House's equivalent of proper accounts. It was a

mess. In fact, it was more than a mess. It was far too much of a mess to

be. a real mess, because a real mess has occasional bits of coherence,

bits of what might be called random order. Rather, it was the kind of

erratic mess that suggested that someone had set out to be messy.

Take the account books. They were full of tiny rows and columns, but

someone hadn't thought it worthwhile to invest in lined paper and had

handwriting that wandered a bit. There were forty rows on the left-hand

side but only thirty-six by the time they reached the other side of the

page. It was hard to spot because of the way your eyes watered.

'What are you doing?' said Agnes, tearing her gaze away from the

corridor.

'Amazin',' said Granny. 'Some things is entered twice! And I reckon

there's a page here where someone's added the month and taken away the

time of day!'

'I thought you didn't like books,' said Agnes.

'I don't,' said Granny, turning a page. 'They can look you right in the

face and still lie. How many fiddle players are there in the band?'

'I think there are nine violinists in the orchestra.'

The correction appeared to pass unnoticed.

'Well, there's a thing,' said Granny, without moving her head. 'Seems

that twelve of 'em are drawing wages, but three of 'em is over the page,

so you mightn't notice.' She looked up and rubbed her hands happily.

'Unless you've got a good memory, that is.'

She ran a skinny finger down another erratic column. 'What's a flying

ratchet?'

Page

134

'I don't know!'

'Says here "Repairs to flying ratchet, new springs for rotation cog

assembly, and making good. Hundred and sixty dollars and sixty-three

pence." Hah!'

She licked her finger and tried another page -

'Even Nanny ain't this bad at numbers,' she said. 'To be this bad at

numbers you've got to be good. Hah! No wonder this place never makes any

money. You might as well try to fill a sieve.'

Agnes darted into the room. 'There's someone coming!'

Granny got up and blew out the lamp. 'You get behind the curtains,' she

commanded.

'What're you going to do?'

'Oh. . . I'll just have to make myself inconspicuous. . .'

Agnes hurried across to the big window and turned to look at Granny, who

was standing by the fireplace.

The old witch faded. She didn't disappear. She merely slid into the

background.

An arm gradually became part of the mantelpiece. A fold of her dress was

a piece of shadow. An elbow became the top of the chair behind her. Her

face became one with a vase of faded flowers.

She was still there, like the old woman in the puzzle picture they

sometimes printed in the Almanack, where you could see the old woman or

the young girl but not both at once, because one was made of the shadows

of the other. Granny Weatherwax was standing by the fireplace, but you

could see her only if you knew she was there.

Agnes blinked. And there were just the shadows, the chair and the fire.

The door opened. She ducked behind the curtains, feeling as conspicuous

as a strawberry in a stew, certain that the sound of her heart would give

her away.

The door shut, carefully, with barely a click. Footsteps crossed the

floor. A wooden scraping noise might have been a chair being moved

slightly.

A scratch and a hiss were the sound of a match, striking. A clink was the

glass of the lamp, being lifted. . .

All noise ceased.

Agnes crouched, every muscle suddenly screaming with the strain. The lamp

hadn't been lit-she'd have seen the light around the curtain.

Someone out there was making no noise.

Someone out there was suddenly suspicious.

A floorboard squeaked verrrry slowwwly, as someone shifted their weight.

She felt as if she was going to scream, or burst with the effort of

silence. The handle of the window behind her, a mere point of pressure a

moment ago, was trying seriously to become part of her life. Her mouth

was so dry that she knew it'd creak like a hinge if she dared to swallow.

It couldn't be anyone who had a right to be here. People who had a right

to be in places walked around noisily.

The handle was getting really personal.

Try to think of something else. . .

The curtain moved. Someone was standing on the other side of it.

If her throat weren't so arid she might be able to scream.

She could feel the presence through the cloth. Any moment now, someone

was going to twitch the curtain aside.

She leapt, or as close to a leap as was feasible-it was a kind of

vertical lumber, billowing the curtain aside, colliding with a slim body

behind it, and ending on the floor in a tangle of limbs and ripping

velvet.

She gulped air, and pressed down on the squirming bundle below her.

Page

135

'I'll scream!' she said. 'And if I do your eardrums will come down your

nose!'

The writhing stopped.

'Perdifa?' said a muffled voice.

Above her, the curtain-rail sagged at one end and the brass rings, one at

a time, spun towards the floor.

Nanny went back to the sacks. Each one bulged with round hard shapes that

clinked gently under her questing finger.

'This is a lot of money, Walter,' she said carefully.

'Yes Mrs Ogg!'

Nanny lost track of money fairly easily although this didn't mean the

subject didn't interest her: it was just that, beyond a certain point, it

became dream-like. All she could be sure of was that the amount in front

of her would make anyone's drawers drop.

'I suppose,' she said, 'that if I was to ask you how it'd got here, you'd

say it was the Ghost, yes? Like the roses?'

'Yes Mrs Ogg!'

She gave him a worried look. 'You'll be all right down here, will you?'

she said. 'You'll sit quiet? I reckon I need to talk to some people.'

'Where's my mum Mrs Ogg?'

'She's having a nice sleep, Walter.'

Walter seemed satisfied with this.

'You'll sit quiet in your. . . in that room, will you?'

'Yes Mrs Ogg!'

'There's a good boy.'

She glanced at the money-bags again. Money was trouble.

Agnes sat back.

André raised himself on his elbows and pulled the curtain off his face.

'What the hell were you doing there?' he said.

'I was-What do you mean, what was I doing there? You were creeping

around!'

'You were hiding behind the curtain!' said André, getting to his feet and

fumbling for the matches again. 'Next time you blow out a lamp, remember

it'll still be warm.'

'We were. . . on important business. . .'

The lamp glowed. André turned. 'We?' he said.

Agnes nodded, and looked across at Granny. The witch hadn't moved,

although it took a deliberate effort of will to focus on her among the

shapes and shadows.

André picked up the lamp and stepped forward.

The shadows shifted.

'Well?' he said.

Agnes strode across the room and waved a hand in the air. There was the

chair back, there was the vase, there was. . . nothing else.

'But she was there!'

'A ghost, eh?' said André sarcastically.

Agnes backed away.

There is something about the light of a lamp held lower than someone's

face. The shadows are wrong. They fall into unfortunate places. Teeth

seem more prominent. Agnes came to realize that she was alone in a room

in suspicious circumstances with a man whose face suddenly looked a lot

more unpleasant than it had before.

'I suggest,' he said, 'that you get back to the stage right now, yes?

That would be the very best thing you could do. And don't meddle in

things that don't concern you. You've done too much as it is.'

Page

136

The fear hadn't drained out of Agnes, but it had found a space in which

to metamorphose into anger.

'I don't have to put up with that! For all I know, you might be the

Ghost!'

'Really? I was told that Walter Plinge was the Ghost,' said André. 'How

many people did you tell? And now it turns out that he's dead. . .'

'No, he's not!'

It was out before she could stop it. She'd said it merely to wipe the

sneer off his face. This happened. But the expression that replaced it

was no improvement.

A floorboard creaked.

They both turned.

There was a hat-stand in the corner, next to a bookcase. There were a few

coats and scarves hanging from it. It was surely only the way that the

shadows fell that made it look, from this angle, like an old woman. Or. .

.

'Damn floors,' said Granny, fading into the foreground. She stepped away

from the coats.

As Agnes said, later: it wasn't as though she'd been invisible. She'd

simply become part of the scenery until she put herself forward again;

she was there, but not there. She didn't stand out at all. She was as

unnoticeable as the very best of butlers.

'How did you get in?' said André. 'I looked all round the room!'

'Seein' is believin',' said Granny, calmly. 'Of course, the trouble is

that believin' is also seein', and there's been too much of that round

here lately. Now, I know you ain't the Ghost. . . so what are you, to be

sneaking around in places where you shouldn't be?'

'I could ask you the same quest-'

'Me? I'm a witch, and I'm pretty good at it.'

'She's, er, from Lancre. Where I come from,' Agnes mumbled, trying to

look at her feet.

'Oh? Not the one who wrote the book?' said André. 'I've heard people

talking about-'

'No! I'm much worse than her, understand?'

'She is,' mumbled Agnes.

André gave Granny a long look, like a man weighing up his chances. He

must have decided that they were bobbing along the ceiling.

'I. . . hang around in dark places looking for trouble,' he said.

'Really? There's a nasty name for people like that, ' snapped Granny.

'Yes,' said André. 'It's "policeman".'

Nanny Ogg climbed out of the cellars, rubbing her chin thoughtfully.

Musicians and singers were still milling around, uncertain about what was

going to happen next. The Ghost had had the decency to be chased and

killed during the interval. In theory that meant there was no reason why

there shouldn't be a third act, as soon as Herr Trubelmacher had scoured

the nearby pubs and dragged the orchestra back. The show must go on.

Yes, she thought, it has to go on. It's like the build-up to a

thunderstorm. . . no. . . it's more like making love. Yes. That was a far

more Oggish metaphor. You put everything you've got into it, so sooner or

later there's a point where it's got to go on, because you can't imagine

stopping. The stage manager could dock a couple of dollars from their

wages and they'd still go on, and everyone knew it. And they would still

go on.

She reached a ladder and climbed slowly into the flies.

She hadn't been certain. She needed to be certain now.

Page

137

The fly loft was empty. She walked carefully along the catwalk until she

was over the auditorium. The buzz of the audience came through the

ceiling beneath her, slightly muffled.

Light shone up at the point where the thick cable for the chandelier

disappeared into the hole. She stepped out over the creaking trapdoor and

peered down.

Terrific heat almost frizzled her hair. A few yards below her hundreds of

candles were burning.

'Dreadful if that lot fell down,' she said quietly. 'I 'spect this

place'd go up like a haystack. . .'

She let her gaze travel up and up .the cable to the point, at just about

waist-height, where it was halfcut through. You'd never see it, if you

weren't expecting to find it.

Then her gaze dropped again, and moved across the gloomy, dusty floor

until it found something half-hidden in the dust:

Behind her, a shadow among the shadows rose to its feet, balanced itself

carefully, and started to run.

'I knows about policemen,' said Granny. 'They've got big helmets and big

feet and you can see them a mile off. There's a couple lurching around

backstage. Anyone can see they're policemen. You don't look like one.'

She turned the badge over and over in her hands. 'I ain't happy with the

idea of secret policemen,' she said. 'Why do you need secret policemen?'

'Because,' said André, 'sometimes you have secret criminals.'

Granny almost smiled. 'That's a fact,' she said. She peered at the small

engraving on the back of the badge. 'Says here "Cable Street

Particulars". . .'

'There aren't many of us,' said André. 'We've only just started.

Commander Vimes said that, since we can't do anything about the Thieves'

Guild and the Assassins' Guild, we'd better look for other crimes. Hidden

crimes. That need Watchmen with. . . different skills. And I can play the

piano quite well. . .,

'What kind of skills have that troll and that dwarf got?' said Granny.

'Seems to me the only thing they're really good at is standing around

looking obvious and stupiHah! Yes. . .'

'Right. And they didn't even need much training,' said André. 'Commander

Vimes says they're the most obvious policemen anyone could think of.

Incidentally, Corporal Nobbs has got some papers to prove he's a human

being.'

'Forged?'

'I don't think so.'

Granny Weatherwax put her head on one side. 'If your house was on fire,

what's the first thing you'd take out of it?'

'Oh, Granny-' Agnes began.

'Hmm. Who set fire to it?' said André.

'You're a policeman, right enough.' Granny handed him his badge. 'You

come to arrest poor Walter?' she said.

'I know he didn't murder Dr Undershaft. I was watching him. He was trying

to unblock the privies all afternoon-'

'I've had proof that Walter isn't the Ghost,' said Agnes.

'I was almost sure it was Salzella,' said André. 'I know he creeps off to

the cellars sometimes and I'm sure he's stealing money. But the Ghost has

been seen when Salzella is perfectly visible. So now I think-'

'Think? Think?' said Granny. 'Someone thinking around here at last? How'd

you recognize the Ghost, Mister Policeman?'

'Well. . . he's got a mask on. . .'

'Really? Now say it again, and listen to what you say. Good grief! You

can recognize him because he's got a mask on? You recognize him because

Page

138

you don't know who he is? Life isn't neat! Whoever said there's only one

Ghost?'

The figure ran through the shadows of the fly loft, cloak billowing

around it. Nanny Ogg was outlined against the light, peering down.

She said, without turning her head: 'Hello, Mr Ghost. Come back for your

saw, have you?'

Then she darted around behind the cable until she faced the shadow.

'Millions of people knows I'm up here! You wouldn't hurt a little old

lady, would you? Oh, dear. . . me poor old heart!'

She keeled over backwards, hitting the floor hard enough to make the

cable swing.

The figure hesitated. Then it took a length of thin rope from a pocket

and advanced cautiously towards the fallen witch. It knelt down, wound an

end of the rope around each hand, and leaned forward. ,

Nanny's knee came up sharply.

'Feels a lot -better now, mister,' she said, as he reared backwards.

She scrambled up again and grabbed the saw.

'Come back to finish it, eh?' she said, waving the implement in the air.

'Wonder how you'd blame that on Walter! Make you happy, would it, the

whole place burning down?'

The figure, moving awkwardly, backed away as she advanced. Then it

turned, lurched along the wobbling catwalk and disappeared into the

gloom.

Nanny pounded after him and saw the figure climbing down a ladder. She

looked around quickly, grabbed a rope to slide after him, and heard a

pulley somewhere above start to clatter.

She descended, skirts billowing around her. When she was about halfway

down, a bunch of sandbags went upwards past her in a hurry.

As she rattled onwards she saw, between her boots, someone struggling

with the trapdoor to the cellars.

She landed a few feet away, still holding the rope.

'Mr Salzella?'

Nanny stuck two fingers in her mouth and let out a whistle that could

have melted ear-wax.

She let go of the rope.

Salzella glanced up at her as he raised the trapdoor, and then saw the

shape dropping out of the roof.

One hundred and eighty pounds of sandbag hit the door, slamming it shut.

'Watch out!' said Nanny, cheerfully.

Bucket waited nervously in the wings. Unnecessarily nervously, of course.

The Ghost was dead. There couldn't be anything to worry about. People

said they'd seen him killed, although they were, Bucket had to admit, a

bit hazy on the actual details.

Nothing to worry about.

Not a thing.

Nothing whatsoever in any way.

Everything was absolutely nothing to worry about in any way.

He ran a finger around the inside of his collar. It hadn't been such a

bad life in wholesale cheese. The most you had to worry about was ogle of

poor old Reg Plenty's trouser buttons in the Farmhouse Nutty and the time

young Weevins minced his thumb in the stirring machine and it was only by

luck they happened to be doing strawberry yoghurt at the time-A figure loomed up beside him. He clutched at a curtain for support and

then turned to see, with relief, the majestic and reassuring stomach of

Enrico Basilica. The tenor looked magnificent in a huge cockerel costume,

complete with giant beak, wattles and comb.

Page

139

'Ah, senor,' Bucket burbled. 'Very impressive, may I say.'

'Si,' said a muffed voice from somewhere behind the beak, as other

members of the company hurried past on to the stage.

'May I say how sorry I am about all that business earlier. I can assure

you that it doesn't happen every night, ahahah. . .'

'Si?'

'Probably just high spirits, ahaha. . .'

The beak turned towards him. Bucket backed away.

'Si!'

'. . .yes. . . well, I'm glad you're so understanding. . .'

Temperamental, he thought, as the tenor strode on to the stage and the

overture to Act Three drifted to its close. They're like that, the real

artistes. Nerves stretched like rubber bands, I expect. It's just like

waiting for the cheese, really. You can get really edgy waiting to see

whether you've got half a ton of best blue-vein or just a vat full of pig

food. It's probably like that when you've got an aria working its way up-'Where'd he go? Where'd he go?'

'What? Oh. . . Mrs Ogg. . .'

The old woman waved a saw in front of his face. It was not, in Mr

Bucket's current state of mental tension, a helpful gesture.

He was suddenly surrounded by other figures, equally conducive to

multiple exclamation marks.

'Perdita? Why aren't you on stage. . . oh, Lady Esmerelda, I didn't see

you there, of course if you want to come backstage you only have to-'

'Where's Salzella?' said André.

Bucket looked around vaguely. 'He was here a few minutes ago. . . That

is,' he said, pulling himself together, 'Mr Salzella is probably

attending to his duties somewhere which, young man, is more than I can

say for-'

'I demand you stop the show now,' said André.

'Oh, you do, do you? And by what authority, may I ask?'

'He's been sawing through the rope!' said Nanny.

André pulled out a badge. 'This!'

Bucket looked closely. ' "Ankh-Morpork Guild of Musicians member z 244"?'

André glared at him, then at the badge, and started to pat his pockets

urgently. 'No! Blast, I know I had the other one a moment ago. . . Look,

you've got to clear the theatre, we've got to search it, and that means-'

'Don't stop the show,' said Granny.

'I won't stop the show,' said Bucket.

' 'Cos I reckon he'd like to see the show stopped. The show must go on,

eh? Isn't that what you believe? Could he have got out of the building?'

'I sent Corporal Nobbs to the stage-door and Sergeant Detritus is in the

foyer,' said André. 'When it comes to standing in doorways, they're among

the best.'

'Excuse me, what's happening?' said Bucket.

'He could be anywhere!' said Agnes. 'There're hundreds of hiding-places!'

'Who?' said Bucket.

'How about these cellars everyone talks about?' said Granny.

'Where?'

'There's only one entrance,' said André. 'He's not stupid.'

'He can't get into the cellars,' said Nanny. 'He ran off? Probably in a

cupboard somewhere by now!'

'No, he'll stay where there's crowds,' said Granny. 'That's what I'd do.'

'What?' said Bucket.

'Could he have got into the audience from here?' said Nanny.

'Who?' said Bucket.

Granny jerked a thumb towards the stage. 'He's somewhere on there. I can

feel him.'

Page

140

'Then we'll wait until he comes off!'

'Eighty people coming off stage all at once?' said Agnes. 'Don't you know

what it's like when the curtain goes down?'

'And we don't want to stop the show,' Granny mused.

'No, we don't want to stop the show,' said Bucket, grasping at a familiar

idea as it swept by on a tide of incomprehensibility. 'Or give people

their money back in any fashion whatsoever. What are we talking about,

does anyone know?'

'The show must go on. . .' murmured Granny Weatherwax, still staring out

of the wings. 'Things have to end right. This is an opera house. They

should end. . . operatically. . .'

Nanny Ogg hopped up and down excitedly. 'Oo, I know what you're thinking,

Esme!' she squeaked. 'Oo, yes! Can we? Just so's I can say I done it! Eh?

Can we? Go on! Let's!'

* * *

Henry Lawsy peered closely at his opera notes. He had not, of course,

fully understood the events of the first two acts, but knew that this was

perfectly OK because one would have to be quite naive to expect good

sense as well as good songs. Anyway, it would all be explained in the

last act, which was the Masked Ball in the Duke's Palace. It would almost

certainly turn out that the woman one of the men had been rather daringly

courting would be his own wife, but so cunningly disguised by a very

small mask that her husband wouldn't have spotted that she wore the same

clothes and had the same hairstyle. Someone's serving man would turn out

to be someone else's daughter in disguise; someone would die of something

that didn't prevent them from singing about it for several minutes; and

the plot would be resolved by some coincidences which, in real life,

would be as likely as a cardboard hammer.

He didn't know any of this for a fact. He was making a calculated guess.

In the meantime Act Three opened with the traditional ballet, this time

apparently a country dance by the Maidens of the Court.

Henry was aware of muffled laughter around him.

This was because, if you ran an eye at head-height along the row of

ballerinas as they tripped, arm in arm, on to the stage, there was an

apparent gap.

This was only filled if the gaze went downwards a foot or two, to a small

fat ballerina in a huge grin, an overstretched tutu, long white drawers

and. . . boots.

Henry stared. They were big boots. They moved back and forth at an

astonishing speed. The satin slippers of the other dancers twinkled as

they drifted across the floor, but the boots flashed and clattered like a

tap dancer afraid of falling into the sink.

The pirouettes were novel, too. While the other dancers whirled like

snowflakes, the little fat one spun like a top and moved across the floor

like one too, bits of her anatomy trying to achieve local orbit.

Around Henry members of the audience were whispering to one another.

'Oh yes,' he heard someone declare, 'they tried this in Pseudopolis. . .'

His mother nudged him. 'This supposed to happen?'

'Er. . . I don't think so. . .'

' 'S bloody good, though! A good laugh!'

As the fat ballerina collided with a donkey in evening dress she

staggered and grabbed at his mask, which came off. . .

Herr Trubelmacher, the conductor, froze in horror and astonishment.

Around him the orchestra rattled to a standstill, except for the tuba

player

-oom-BAH-oom-BAH-oom-BAH-

Page

141

-who had memorized his score years ago and never took much interest in

current affairs.

Two figures rose up right in front of Trubelmacher. A hand grabbed his

baton.

'Sorry, sir,' said André, 'but the show must go on, yes?' He handed the

stick to the other figure.

'There you are,' he said. 'And don't let them stop.'

'Ook!'

The Librarian carefully lifted Herr Trubelmacher aside with one hand,

licked the baton thoughtfully, and then focused his gaze on the tuba

player.

-oom-BAH-oom-BAHhhh. . . oom. . . om. . .

The tuba player tapped a trombonist on the shoulder.

'hey, Frank, there's a monkey where old troublemaker should be-'

'shutupshutupshutup!'

Satisfied, the orang-utan raised his arms.

The orchestra looked up. And then looked up a bit more. No conductor in

musical history, not even the one who once fried and ate the piccoloplayer's liver on a cymbal for one wrong note too many, not even the one

who skewered three troublesome violinists on his baton, not even the one

who made really hurtful sarcastic remarks in a loud voice, was ever the

focus of such reverential attention.

On stage, Nanny Ogg took advantage of the hush to pull the head off a

frog.

'Madam!'

'Sorry, thought you might be someone else. . .'

The long arms dropped. The orchestra, in one huge muddled chord, slammed

back into life.

The dancers, after a moment's confusion during which Nanny Ogg took the

opportunity to decapitate a clown and a phoenix, tried to continue.

The chorus watched in bemusement.

Christine felt a tap on her shoulder, and turned to see Agnes. 'Perdita!

Where have you been!?' she hissed. 'It's nearly time for my duet with

Enrico!'

'You've got to help!' hissed Agnes. But down in her soul Perdita said:

Enrico, eh? It's Senor Basilica to everyone else. . .

'Help you what!?' said Christine.

'Take everyone's masks off!'

Christine's forehead wrinkled beautifully. 'That's not supposed to happen

until the end of the opera, is it?'

'Er. . . it's all been changed!' said Agnes urgently. She turned to a

nobleman in a zebra mask and tugged it desperately. The singer underneath

glared at her.

'Sorry!' she whispered. 'I thought you were someone else!'

'We're not supposed to take them off until the end!'

'It's been changed!'

'Has it? No one told me!'

A short-necked giraffe next to him leaned sideways. 'What's that?'

'The big unmasking scene is now, apparently!'

'No one told me!'

'Yes, but when does anyone ever tell us anything? We're only the chorus.

. . here, why is old Troublemaker wearing a monkey mask. . . ?'

Nanny Ogg pirouetted past, cannoned into an elephant in evening dress and

beheaded him by the trunk. She whispered: 'We're looking for the Ghost,

see?'

'But. . . the Ghost is dead, isn't he?'

'Hard things to kill, ghosts,' said Nanny.

Page

142

The whisper spread outwards from that point. There is nothing like a

chorus for rumour. People who would not believe a High Priest if he said

the sky was blue, and was able to produce signed affidavits to this

effect from his white-haired old mother and three Vestal virgins, would

trust just about anything whispered darkly behind their hand by a

complete stranger in a pub.

A cockatoo spun around and pulled the mask off a parrot. . .

Bucket sobbed. This was worse than the day the buttermilk exploded. This

was worse than the flash heat wave that had led a whole warehouse full of

Lancre Extra Strong to riot.

The opera had turned into a pantomime.

The audience was laughing.

About the only character still with a mask on was Senor Basilica, who was

watching the struggling chorus with as much aloof amazement as his own

mask could convey -and this, amazingly enough, was quite a lot.

'Oh, no. . .' moaned Bucket. 'We'll never live it down! He'll never come

back! It'll be all over the opera circuit and no one will ever want to

come here ever again!'

'Ever again wha'?' mumbled a voice behind him.

Bucket turned. 'Oh, Senor Basilica,' he said. 'Didn't see you there. . .

I was just thinking, I do hope you don't think this is typical!'

Senor Basilica stared through him, swaying slightly from side to side. He

was wearing a torn shirt.

'Summon. . .' he said.

'I'm sorry?'

'Summon. . . summon hit me onna head,' said the tenor. 'Wanna glassa

water pliss. . .'

'But you're. . . just about. . . to. . . sing. . . aren't you?' said

Bucket. He grabbed the stunned man by the collar to pull him closer, but

this simply meant that he dragged himself off the floor, bringing his

shoes about level with Basilica's knees. 'Tell me. . . you're out there.

. . on the stage. . . please!!!'

Even in his stunned state, Enrico Basilica a.k.a. Henry Slugg recognized

what might be called the essential dichotomy of the statement. He stuck

to what he knew.

'Summon bashed me inna corridor. . .' he volunteered.

'That's not you out there?'

Basilica blinked heavily. "M not me?'

'You're going to sing the famous duet in a moment!!!'

Another thought staggered through Basilica's abused skull. "M I?' he

said. "S good. . . 'll look forwa' to that. Ne'er had a chance to hear me

befo'. . .'

He gave a happy little sigh and fell full-length backwards.

Bucket leaned against a pillar for support. Then his brow furrowed and,

in the best traditions of the extended double-take, he stared at the

fallen tenor and counted to one on his fingers. Then he turned towards

the stage and counted to two.

He could feel a fourth exclamation mark coming on any time now.

The Enrico Basilica on stage turned his mask this way and that. Stage

right, Bucket was whispering to a group of stage-hands. Stage left, André

the secret pianist was waiting. A large troll loomed next to him.

The fat red singer walked to centre-stage as the prelude to the duet

began. The audience settled down again. Fun and games among the chorus

was all very well-it might even be in the plot-but this was what they'd

paid for. This was what it was all about.

Page

143

Agnes stared at him as Christine walked towards him. Now she could see he

wasn't right. Oh, he was fat, in a pillow-up-your-shirt sort of way, but

he didn't move like Basilica. Basilica moved lightly on his feet, as fat

men often do, giving the effect of a barely tethered balloon.

She glanced at Nanny, who was also watching him carefully. She couldn't

see Granny Weatherwax anywhere. That probably meant she was really close.

The expectancy of the audience dragged at them all. Ears opened like

petals. The fourth wall of the stage, the big black sucking darkness

outside, was a well of silence begging to be filled up.

Christine was walking towards him quite unconcerned. Christine would walk

into a dragon's mouth if it had a sign on it saying 'Totally harmless, I

promise you'. . . at least, if it was printed in large, easy-tounderstand letters.

No one seemed to want to do anything.

It was a famous duet. And a beautiful one. Agnes ought to know. She'd

been singing it all last night.

Christine took the false Basilica's hand and, as the opening bars of the

duet began, opened her mouth

'Stop right there!'

Agnes put everything she could into it. The chandelier tinkled.

The orchestra went silent in a skid of wheezes and twangs.

In a fading of chords and a dying of echoes, the show stopped.

Walter Plinge sat in the candlelit gloom under the stage, his hands

resting on his lap. It was not often that Walter Plinge had nothing to

do, but, when he did have nothing to do, he did nothing.

He liked it down here. It was familiar. The sounds of the opera filtered

through. They were muffled, but that didn't matter. Walter knew all the

words, every note of music, every step of every dance. He needed the

actual performances only in the same way that a clock needs its tiny

little escapement mechanism; it kept him ticking nicely.

Mrs Plinge had taught him to read using the old programmes. That's how he

knew he was part of it all. But he knew that anyway. He'd cut what teeth

he had on a helmet with horns on it. The first bed he could remember was

the very same trampoline used by Dame Gigli in the infamous Bouncing

Gigli incident.

Walter Plinge lived opera. He breathed its songs, painted its scenery,

lit its fires, washed its floors and shined its shoes. Opera filled up

places in Walter Plinge that might otherwise have been empty.

And now the show had stopped.

But all the energy, all the raw pent-up emotion that is dammed up behind

a show-all the screaming, the fears, the hopes, the desires-flew on, like

a body hurled from the wreckage.

The terrible momentum smashed into Walter Plinge like a tidal wave

hitting a teacup.

It propelled him out of his chair and flung him against the crumbling

scenery.

He slid down and rolled into a twitching heap on the floor, clapping his

hands over his ears to shut out the sudden, unnatural silence.

A shape stepped out of the shadows.

Granny Weatherwax had never heard of psychiatry and would have had no

truck with it even if she had. There are some arts too black even for a

witch. She practised headology-practised, in fact, until she was very

good at it. And though there may be some superficial similarities between

a psychiatrist and a headologist, there is a huge practical difference. A

psychiatrist, dealing with a man who fears he is being followed by a

large and terrible monster, will endeavour to convince him that monsters

Page

144

don't exist. Granny Weatherwax would simply give him a chair to stand on

and a very heavy stick.

'Stand up, Walter Plinge,' she said.

Walter stood up, staring straight ahead of him. 'It's stopped! It's

stopped! It's bad luck to stop the show!' he said hoarsely.

'Someone better start it again,' said Granny.

'You can't stop the show! It's the show!'

'Yes. Someone better start it again, Walter Plinge.'

Walter didn't appear to notice her. He pawed aimlessly through his stack

of music and ran his hands through the drifts of old programmes. One hand

touched the keyboard of the harmonium and played a few neurotic notes.

'Wrong to stop. Show must go on. . .'

'Mr Salzella is trying to stop the show, isn't he, Walter?'

Walter's head shot up. He stared straight ahead of him.

'You haven't seen anything, Walter Plinge!' he said, in a voice so like

Salzella's that even Granny raised an eyebrow. 'And if you tell lies, you

will be locked up and I'll see to it that there's big trouble for your

mother!'

Granny nodded.

'He found out about the Ghost, didn't he?' she said. 'The Ghost who comes

out when he has a mask on. . . doesn't he, Walter Plinge? And the man

thought: I can use that. And when it's time for the Ghost to be caught. .

. well, there is a Ghost that can be caught. And the best thing is that

everyone will believe it. They'll feel bad about themselves, maybe, but

they'll believe it. Even Walter Plinge won't be certain, 'cos his mind's

all tangled up.'

Granny took a deep breath. 'It's tangled, but it ain't twisted.' There

was a sigh. 'Well, matters will have to resolve themselves. There's

nothing else for it.'

She removed her hat and fished around in the point. 'I don't mind tellin'

you this, Walter,' she said, 'because you won't understand and you won't

remember. There was a wicked ole witch once called Black Aliss. She was

an unholy terror. There's never been one worse or more powerful. Until

now. Because I could spit in her eye and steal her teeth, see. Because

she didn't know Right from Wrong, so she got all twisted up and that was

the end of her.

'The trouble is, you see, that if you do know Right from Wrong you can't

choose Wrong. You just can't do it and live. So. . . if I was a bad witch

I could make Mister Salzella's muscles turn against his bones and break

them where he stood. . . if I was bad. I could do things inside his head,

change the shape he thinks he is, and he'd be down on what'd been his

knees and begging to be turned into a frog. . . if I was bad. I could

leave him with a mind like a scrambled egg, listening to colours and

hearing smells. . . if I was bad. Oh, yes.' There was another sigh,

deeper and more heartfelt. 'But I can't do none of that stuff: That

wouldn't be Right.'

She gave a deprecating little chuckle. And if Nanny Ogg had been

listening, she would have resolved as follows: that no maddened cackle

from Black Aliss of infamous memory, no evil little giggle from some

crazed vampyre whose morals were worse than his spelling, no

sidesplitting guffaw from the most inventive torturer, was quite so

unnerving as a happy little chuckle from a Granny Weatherwax about to do

what's best.

From the point of her hat Granny withdrew a paper-thin mask. It was a

simple face-smooth, white, basic. There were semi-circular holes for the

eyes. It was neither happy nor sad.

She turned it over in her hands. Walter seemed to stop breathing.

Page

145

'Simple thing, ain't it?' said Granny. 'Looks beautiful, but it's really

just a simple bit of stuff, just like any other mask. Wizards could poke

at this for a year and still say there was nothing magic about it, eh?

Which just shows how much they know, Walter Plinge. '

She tossed it to him. He caught it hungrily and pulled it over his face.

Then he stood up in one flowing movement, moving like a dancer.

'I don't know what you are when you're behind the mask,' said Granny,

'but "ghost" is just another word for "spirit" and "spirit" is just

another word for "soul". Off you go, Walter Plinge.'

The masked figure did not move.

'I meant. . . off you go, Ghost. The show must go on.'

The mask nodded, and darted away.

Granny slapped her hands together like the crack of doom.

'Right! Let's do some good!' she said, to the universe at large.

Everyone was looking at her.

This was a moment in time, a little point between the past and future,

when a second could stretch out and out. . .

Agnes felt the blush begin. It was heading for her face like the revenge

of the volcano god. When it got there, she knew, it would be all over for

her.

You'll apologize, Perdita jeered.

'Shut up!' shouted Agnes.

She strode forward before the echo had had time to come back from the

further ends of the auditorium, and wrenched at the red mask.

The entire chorus came in on cue. This was opera, after all. The show had

stopped, but opera continued. . .

'Salzella!'

He grabbed Agnes, clamping his hand over her mouth. His other hand flew

to his belt and drew his sword.

It wasn't a stage prop. The blade hissed through the air as he spun to

face the chorus.

'Oh dear oh dear oh dear,' he said. 'How extremely operatic of me. And

now, I fear, I shall have to take this poor girl hostage. It's the

appropriate thing to do, isn't it?'

He looked around triumphantly. The audience watched in fascinated

silence.

'Isn't anyone going to say "You won't get away with this"?' he said.

'You won't get away with this,' said André, from the wings.

'You have the place surrounded, I have no doubt?' said Salzella brightly.

'Yes, we have the place surrounded.'

Christine screamed and fainted.

Salzella smiled even more brightly.

'Ah, now there's someone operatic!' he said. 'But, you see, I am going to

get away with it, because I don't think operatically. Myself and this

young lady here are going to go down to the cellars where I may,

possibly, leave her unharmed. I doubt very much that you have the cellars

surrounded. Even I don't know everywhere they go, and believe me my

knowledge is really rather extensive'

He paused. Agnes tried to break free, but his grip tightened around her

neck.

'By now,' he said, 'someone should have said: "But why, Salzella?"

Honestly, do I have to do everything around here?'

Bucket realized he had his mouth open. 'That's what I was going to say!'

he said.

'Ah, good. Well, in that case, I should say something like: Because I

wanted to. Because I rather like money, you see. But more than that'-he

took a deep breath-'I really hate opera. I don't want to get needlessly

Page

146

excited about this, but opera, I am afraid, really is dreadful. And I

have had enough. So, while I have the stage, let me tell you what a

wretched, selfadoring, totally unrealistic, worthless artform it is, what

a terrible waste of fine music, what a-'

There was a whirr off on one side of the stage. The skirts of costumes

began to flap. Dust flew up.

André looked around. Beside him, the wind machine had started up. The

handle was turning by itself.

Salzella turned to see what everyone was staring at.

The Ghost had dropped lightly on to the stage. His opera cloak billowed

around him. . . operatically.

He bowed slightly, and drew his sword.

'But you're dea-' Salzella began. 'Oh, yes! A ghost of a Ghost! Totally

unbelievable and an offence against common sense, in the best operatic

tradition! This was really too much to hope for!'

He thrust Agnes away, and nodded happily.

'That's what opera does to a man,' he said. 'It rots the brain, you see,

and I doubt whether he had too much of that to begin with. It drives

people mad. Mad, d'you hear me, mad!! Ahem. They act irrationally. Don't

you think I've watched you, over the years? It's like a hothouse for

insanity!! D'you hear me? Insanity!!'

He and the Ghost began to circle one another.

'You don't know what it has been like, I assure you, being the only sane

man in this madhouse!! You believe anything!! You'd prefer to believe a

ghost can be in two places at once than that there might simply be two

people!! Even Pounder thought he could blackmail me!! Poking around in

places that he shouldn't!! Well, of course, I had to kill him for his own

good. This place sends even rat catchers mad!! And Undershaft. . . well,

why couldn't he have forgotten his glasses like he usually did, eh?'

He lashed out with his sword. The Ghost parried.

'And now I'll fight your Ghost,' he said, moving forward in a flurry of

strokes, 'and you'll notice that our Ghost here doesn't actually know how

to fence. . . because he only knows stage-fencing, you see. . . where the

whole point, of course, is simply to hit the other fellow's sword with a

suitably impressive metallic noise. . . so that you can die very

dramatically merely because he's carefully thrust his sword under your

armpit. . .'

The Ghost was forced to retreat under the onslaught, until he fell

backwards over the unconscious body of Christine.

'See?' said Salzella. 'That's what comes of believing in opera!!!'

He reached down quickly and tugged the mask off Walter Plinge's face.

'Really, Walter!!! You are a bad boy!!!!'

'Sorry Mr Salzella!'

'Look how everyone's staring!!!!'

'Sorry Mr Salzella!'

The mask crumpled in Salzella's fingers. He let the fragments tumble to

the floor. Then he pulled Walter to his feet.

'See, company? This is your luck!!! This is your Ghost!!! Without his

mask he's just an idiot who can hardly tie his shoelaces!!! Ahahaha!!!!

Ahem. It's all your fault, Walter Plinge. . .'

'Yes Mr Salzella!'

'No.'

Salzella looked around.

'No one would believe Walter Plinge. Even Walter Plinge gets confused

about the things Walter Plinge sees. Even his mother was afraid he might

have murdered people. People could accept just about anything of a Walter

Plinge.'

There was a steady tapping noise.

Page

147

The trapdoor opened beside Salzella.

A pointy hat appeared slowly, followed by the rest of Granny Weatherwax,

with her arms folded. She glared at Salzella as the floor clicked into

place. Her foot stopped tapping on the boards.

'Well, well,' he said. 'Lady Esmerelda, eh?'

'I'm stoppin' bein' a lady, Mr Salzella.'

He glanced up at the pointy hat. 'So you are a witch instead?'

'Yes, indeed.'

'A bad witch, no doubt?'

'Worse.'

'But this,' said Salzella, 'is a sword. Everyone knows witches can't

magic iron and steel. Get out of my way!!!'

The sword hissed down.

Granny thrust out her hand. There was a blur of flesh and steel and. . .

. . .she held the sword, by the blade.

'Tell you what, Mr Salzella,' she said, levelly, 'it ought to be Walter

Plinge who finishes this, eh? It's him you harmed, apart from the ones

you murdered, o' course. You didn't need to do that. But you wore a mask,

didn't you? There's a kind of magic in masks. Masks conceal one face, but

they reveal another. The one that only comes out in darkness. I bet you

could do just what you liked, behind a mask. . . ?'

Salzella blinked at her. He pulled on his sword, tugged hard on a sharp

blade held in an unprotected hand.

There was a groan from several members of the chorus. Granny grinned. Her

knuckles whitened as she redoubled her grip.

She turned her head towards Walter Plinge. 'Put your mask on, Walter.'

Everyone looked down at the crumpled cardboard on the stage.

'Don't have one any more Mistress Weatherwax!'

Granny followed his gaze. 'Oh deary, deary me,' she said. 'Well, I can

see we shall have to do something about that. Look at me, Walter.'

He did as he was told. Granny's eyes half-closed. 'You. . . trust

Perdita, don't you, Walter?'

'Yes Mistress Weatherwax!'

'That's good, because she's got a new mask for you, Walter Plinge. A

magic one. It's just like your old one, d'you see, only you wear it under

your skin and you don't have to take it off and no one but you will ever

need to know it's there. Got it, Perdita?'

'But I-' Agnes began.

'Got it?'

'Er. . . oh, yes. Here it is. Yes. I've got it in my hand.' She waved an

empty hand vaguely.

'You're holding it the wrong way up, my girl!'

'Oh. Sorry.'

'Well? Give it to him, then.'

'Er. Yes.'

Agnes advanced on Walter.

'Now you take it, Walter,' said Granny, still gripping the sword.

'Yes Mistress Weatherwax. . .'

He reached out towards Agnes. As he did so, she was sure that, just for a

moment, there was a faint pressure on her fingertips.

'Well? Put it on!'

Walter looked uncertain.

'You do believe there's a mask there, don't you, Walter?' Granny

demanded. 'Perdita's sensible and she knows an invisible mask when she

sees one.'

He nodded, slowly, and raised his hands to his face.

And Agnes was sure that he'd somehow come into focus. Almost certainly

nothing had happened that could be measured with any kind of instrument,

Page

148

any more than you could weigh an idea or sell good fortune by the yard.

But Walter stood up, smiling faintly.

'Good,' said Granny. She stared at Salzella.

'I reckon you two should fight again,' she said. 'But it can't be said

I'm unfair. I expect you've got a Ghost mask somewhere? Mrs Ogg saw you

waving it, see. And she's not as gormless as she looks-'

'Thank you,' said a fat ballerina.

'-so she thought, how could people still say afterwards that they'd seen

the Ghost? 'Cos that's how you recognize the Ghost, by his mask. So

there's two masks.'

Under her gaze, telling himself that he could resist any time he wanted

to, Salzella reached into his jacket and produced his own mask.

'Put it on, then.' She let go of the sword. 'Then who you are can fight

who he is.'

Down in the pit, the percussionist stared as his sticks rose and began a

drum roll.

'Are you doing that, Gytha?' said Granny Weatherwax.

'I thought you were.'

'It's opera, then. The show must go on.'

Walter Plinge raised his sword. The masked Salzella glanced from him to

Granny, and then lunged.

The swords met.

It was, Agnes realized, stage-fighting. The swords clashed and rattled as

the fighters danced back and forth across the stage. Walter wasn't trying

to hit Salzella. Every thrust was parried. Every opportunity to strike

back, as the director of music grew more angry, was ignored.

'This isn't fighting!' Salzella shouted, standing back. 'This is'

Walter thrust.

Salzella staggered away, until he cannoned into Nanny Ogg. He lurched

sideways. Then he staggered forward, dropped on to one knee, got

unsteadily to his feet again, and staggered into the centre of the stage.

'Whatever happens,' he gasped, wrenching off his mask, 'it can't be worse

than a season of opera!!!! I don't mind where I'm going so long as there

are no fat men pretending to be thin boys, and no huge long songs which

everyone says are so beautiful just because they don't understand what

the hell they're actually about!!!! Ah-Ahargh. . .'

He slumped to the floor.

'But Walter didn't-' Agnes began.

'Shut up,' said Nanny Ogg, out of the corner of her mouth.

'But he hasn't-' Bucket began.

'Incidentally, another thing I can't stand about opera,' said Salzella,

rising to his feet and reeling crabwise towards the curtains, 'are the

plots. They make no sense!! And no one ever says so!!! And the quality of

the acting? It's nonexistent!! Everyone stands around watching the person

who's singing. Ye gods, it's going to be a relief to put that behind. . .

ah. . . argh. . .'

He slumped to the floor.

'Is that it?' said Nanny.

'Shouldn't think so,' said Granny Weatherwax.

'As for the people who attend opera,' said Salzella, struggling upright

again and staggering sideways, 'I think I just possibly hate them even

worse!!! They're so ignorant!!! There's hardly a one of them out there

who knows the first thing about music!!! They go on about tunes!!! They

spend all day endeavouring to be sensible human beings, and then they

walk in here and they leave their intelligence on a nail by the door-'

'Then why didn't you just leave?' snapped Agnes. 'If you'd stolen all

this money why didn't you just go away somewhere, if you hated it so

much?'

Page

149

Salzella stared at her while swaying back and forth. His mouth opened and

shut once or twice, as if he were trying out unfamiliar words.

'Leave?' he managed. 'Leave? Leave the opera?. . . Argh argh argh. . .'

He hit the floor again.

André prodded the fallen director. 'Is he dead yet?' he said.

'How can he be dead?' said Agnes. 'Good grief, can't anyone see that ?'

'You know what really gets me down,' said Salzella, rising to his knees,

'is the way that in opera everyone takes such a long!!!!!. . . time!!!!!.

. . to!!!!!. . . argh. . . argh. . . argh. . .'

He keeled over.

The company waited for a while. The audience held its collective breath.

Nanny Ogg poked him with a boot. 'Yep, that's about it. Looks like he's

gone down for the last curtain call,' she said.

'But Walter didn't stab him!' said Agnes. 'Why won't anyone listen? Look,

the sword isn't even sticking in him! It's just tucked between his body

and his arm, for heaven's sake!'

'Yes,' said Nanny. 'I s'pose, really, it's a shame he dint notice that.'

She scratched at her shoulder. 'Here, these ballet dresses really tickle.

. .'

'But he's dead!'

'Got a bit overexcited, perhaps,' said Nanny, fidgeting with a strap.

'Overexcited?'

'Frantic. You know these artistic types. Well, you are one, of course.'

'He's really dead?' said Bucket.

'Seems to be,' said Granny. 'One of the best operatic deaths ever, I

wouldn't mind betting.'

'That's terrible!!' Bucket grabbed the former Salzella by the collar and

hauled him upright. 'Where's my money? Come on, out with it, tell me what

you've done with my money!!! I don't hear you!!!! He's not saying

anything!!!'

'That's on account of being dead,' said Granny. 'Not talkative, the

deceased. As a rule.'

'Well, you're a witch!!! Can't you do that thing with the cards and the

glasses?'

'Well, yes. . . we could have a poker game,' said Nanny. 'Good idea.'

'The money is in the cellars,' said Granny. 'Walter'll show you.'

Walter Plinge clicked his heels. 'Certainly,' he said. 'I would be glad

to.'

Bucket stared. It was Walter Plinge's voice and it was coming out of

Walter Plinge's face, but both face and voice were different. Subtly

different. The voice had lost the uncertain, frightened edge. The

lopsided look had gone from the face.

'Good grief,' Bucket murmured, and let go of Salzella's coat. There was a

thump.

'And since you're going to be needing a new director of music,' said

Granny, 'you could do worse than look to Walter here.'

'Walter?'

'He knows everything there is to know about opera,' said Granny. 'And

everything about the Opera House, too.'

'You should see the music he's written-' said Nanny.

'Walter? Musical director?' said Bucket.

'-stuff you can really hum-'

'Yes, I think you might be surprised,' said Granny.

'-there's one with lots of sailors dancin' around singin' about how

there's no women-'

'This is Walter, isn't it?'

'-and then some bloke called Les who's miserable all the time-'

'Oh, this is Walter,' said Granny. 'The same person.

Page

150

'-and there's one, hah, with all cats all leapin' around all singin',

that was fun,' Nanny burbled. 'Can't imagine how he thought up that one-'

Bucket scratched his chin. He was feeling light headed enough as it was.

'And he's trustworthy,' said Granny. 'And he's honest. And he knows all

about the Opera House, as I said. And. . . where everything is. . .'

That was enough for Mr Bucket. 'Want to be director of music, Walter?' he

said.

'Thank you, Mr Bucket,' said Walter Plinge. 'I should like that very

much. But what about cleaning the privies?'

'Sorry?'

'I won't have to stop doing them, will I? I've just got them working

right.'

'Oh? Right. Really?' Mr Bucket's eyes crossed for a moment. 'Well, fine.

You can sing while you're doing it, if you like,' he added generously.

'And I won't even cut your pay! I'll. . . I'll raise it! Six. . . no,

seven shiny dollars!'

Walter rubbed his face thoughtfully. 'Mr Bucket. . .'

'Yes, Walter?'

'I think. . . you paid Mr Salzella forty shiny dollars. . .'

Bucket turned to Granny. 'Is he some kind of monster?'

'You just listen to the stuff he's been writin',' said Nanny. 'Amazin'

songs, not even in foreign. Will you just look at this stuff. . .'scuse

me. . .'

She turned her back on the audience--twingtwangtwong--and twirled round again with a wad of music paper in her hands.

'I know good music when I sees it,' she said, handing it to Bucket and

pointing excitedly at extracts. 'It's got blobs and curly bits all over

it, see?'

'You have been writing this music?' said Bucket to Walter. 'Which is

unaccountably warm?'

'Indeed, Mr Bucket.'

'In my time?'

'There's a lovely song here,' said Nanny, ' "Don't cry for me, Genua".

It's very sad. That reminds me, I'd better go and see if Mrs Plinge has

come rou. . . has woken up. I may have overdone it a bit on the stumble.'

She ambled off, twitching at bits of her costume, and nudged a fascinated

ballerina. 'This balleting doesn't half make you sweat, don't you find?'

'Excuse me, there's something I didn't quite believe,' said André. He

took Salzella's sword and tested the blade carefully.

'Ow!' he shouted.

'Sharp, is it?' said Agnes.

'Yes!' André sucked his thumb. 'She caught it in her hand.'

'She's a witch,' said Agnes.

'But it was steel! I thought no one could magic steel! Everyone knows

that.'

'I wouldn't be too impressed if I was you,' said Agnes sourly. 'It was

probably just some kind of trick. . .'

André turned to Granny. 'Your hand isn't even scratched! How did. . .

you. . .'

Her stare held him in its sapphire vice for a moment. When he turned away

he looked vaguely puzzled, like a man who can't remember where he's just

put something down.

'I hope he didn't hurt Christine,' he mumbled. 'Why isn't anyone seeing

to her?'

'Probably because she makes sure she screams and faints before anything

happens,' said Perdita, through Agnes.

Page

151

André set off across the stage. Agnes trailed after him. A couple of

dancers were kneeling down next to Christine.

'It'd be terrible if anything happened to her,' said André.

'Oh. . . yes.'

'Everyone says she's showing such promise. . .'

Walter stepped up beside him. 'Yes. We should get her somewhere,' he

said. His voice was clipped and precise.

Agnes felt the bottom start to drop out of her world. 'Yes, but. . . you

know it was me doing the singing.'

'Oh, yes. . . yes, of course. . .' said André, awkwardly. 'But. . .well.

. . this is opera. . . you know. . .'

Walter took her hand.

'But it was me you taught!' she said desperately.

'Then you were very good,' said Walter. 'I suspect she will never be

quite that good, even with many months of my tuition. But, Perdita, have

you ever heard of the words "star quality"?'

'Is it the same as talent?' snapped Agnes.

'It is rarer.'

She stared at him. His face, however it was controlled now, was quite

handsome in the glare of the footlights.

She pulled her hand free. 'I liked you better when you were Walter

Plinge,' she said.

Agnes turned away, and felt Granny Weatherwax's gaze on her. She was sure

it was a mocking gaze.

'Er. . . we ought to get Christine into Mr Bucket's office,' André said.

This seemed to break some sort of spell.

'Yes, indeed!!!' said Bucket. 'And we can't leave Mr Salzella corpsing on

stage, either. You two, you'd better take him backstage. The rest of you.

. . well, it was nearly over anyway. . . er. . . that's it. The. . .

opera is over. . .'

'Walter Plinge!'

Nanny Ogg entered, supporting Mrs Plinge. Walter's mother fixed him with

a beady gaze. 'Have you been a bad boy?'

Mr Bucket walked over to her and patted her hand. 'I think you'd better

come along to my office, too,' he said. He handed the sheaf of music to

André, who opened it at random.

André gave it a glance, and then stared. 'Hey. . . this is good,' he

said.

'Is it?'

André looked at another page. 'Good heavens!'

'What? What?' said Bucket.

'I've just never. . . I mean, even I can see. . . tum-ti TUM tum-tum. .

.yes. . . Mr Bucket, you do know this isn't opera? There's music and. . .

yes. . . dancing and singing all right, but it's not opera. Not opera at

all. A long way from opera.'

'How far? You don't mean. . .' Bucket hesitated, savouring the idea, 'you

don't mean that it's just possible that you put music in and you get

money out?'

André hummed a few bars. 'This could very well be the case, Mr Bucket.'

Bucket beamed. He put one arm around André and the other around Walter.

'Good!!!!!' he said. 'This calls for a very lar. . . for a medium-sized

mm drink . . . . .

One by one, or in groups, the singers and dancers left the stage. And the

witches and Agnes were left alone.

'Is that it?' said Agnes.

'Not quite yet,' said Granny.

Someone staggered on to the stage. A kindly hand had bandaged Enrico

Basilica's head, and presumably another kindly hand had given him the

Page

152

plate of spaghetti he was holding. Mild concussion still seemed to have

him in its grip. He blinked at the witches and then spoke like a man

who'd lost his hold on immediate events and so was clinging hard to more

ancient considerations.

'Summon give me some 'ghetti,' he said.

'That's nice,' said Nanny.

'Hah! 'Ghetti is fine for them as likes it. . . but not me! Hah! Yes!' He

turned and peered muzzily at the darkness of the audience.

'You know what I'm goin' to do? You know what I'm goin' to do now? I'm

sayin' goodbye to Enrico Basilica! Oh yes! He's chewed his last tentacle!

I'm goin' to go right out now and have eight pints of Turbot's Really

Odd. Yes! And probably a sausage in a bun! And then I'm goin' down to the

music hall to hear Nellie Stamp sing "A Winkles No Use if You Don't Have

a Pin"-and if I sing again here it's goin' to be under the proud old name

of Henry Slugg, do you hear-?'

There was a shriek from somewhere in the audience. 'Henry Slugg?'

'Er. . . yes?'

'I thought it was you! You've grown a beard and stuffed a haystack down

your trousers but, I thought, under that little mask, that's my Henry,

that was!'

Henry Slugg shaded his eyes from the footlights' glare.

'. . .Angeline?'

'Oh, no!' said Agnes, wearily. 'This sort of thing does not happen.'

'Happens in the theatre all the time,' said Nanny Ogg.

'It certainly does,' said Granny. 'It's only a mercy he doesn't have a

long-lost twin brother.'

There was the sound of much scuffling in the audience. Someone was

climbing along a row, dragging someone else.

'Mother!' came a voice from the gloom. 'What do you think you are doing?'

'You just come with me, young Henry!'

'Mother, we can't go up on the stage. . . !'

Henry Slugg frisbeed the plate into the wings, clambered down from the

stage and heaved himself over the edge of the orchestra pit, assisted by

a couple of violinists.

They met at the first row of seats. Agnes could just hear their voices.

'I meant to come back. You know that!'

'I wanted to wait but, what with one thing and another. . . especially

one thing. Come here, young Henry. . .'

'Mother, what is happening?'

'Son. . . you know I always said your father was Mr Lawsy the eel

juggler?'

'Yes, of-'

'Please, both of you, come back to my dressing room! I can see we've got

such a lot to talk about.'

'Oh, yes. A lot. . .'

Agnes watched them go. The audience, who could spot opera even if it

wasn't being sung, applauded.

'All right,' she said. 'And now is it the end?'

'Nearly,' said Granny.

'Did you do something to everyone's heads?'

'No, but I felt like smacking a few,' said Nanny.

'But no one said "thank you" or anything!'

'Often the case,' said Granny.

'Too busy thinking about the next performance,' said Nanny. 'The show

must go on,' she added.

'That's. . . that's madness!'

Page

153

'It's opera. I noticed that even Mr Bucket's caught it, too,' said Nanny.

'And that young André has been rescued from being a policeman, if I'm any

judge.'

'But what about me?'

'Oh, them as makes the endings don't get them,' said Granny. She brushed

an invisible speck of dust off her shoulder.

'I expect we'd better be gettin' along, Gytha,' she said, turning her

back on Agnes. 'Early start tomorrow.'

Nanny walked forward, shading her eyes as she stared out into the dark

maw of the auditorium.

'The audience haven't gone, you know,' she said. 'They're still sitting

out there.'

Granny joined her, and peered into the gloom. 'I can't imagine why,' she

said. 'He did say the opera's over. . .

They turned and looked at Agnes, who was standing in the centre of the

stage and glowering at nothing.

'Feeling a bit angry?' said Nanny. 'Only to be expected.'

'Yes!'

'Feeling that everything's happened for other people and not for you?'

'Yes!'

'But,' said Granny Weatherwax, 'look at it like this: what's Christine

got to look forward to? She'll just become a singer. Stuck in a little

world. Oh, maybe she'll be good enough to get a little fame, but one day

the voice'll crack and that's the end of her life. You have got a choice.

You can either be on the stage, just a performer, just going through the

lines. . . or you can be outside it, and know how the script works, where

the scenery hangs, and where the trapdoors are. Isn't that better?'

'No!'

The infuriating thing about Nanny Ogg and Granny Weatherwax, Agnes

thought later, was the way they sometimes acted in tandem, without

exchanging a word. Of course, there were plenty of other things-the way

they never thought that meddling was meddling if they did it; the way

they automatically assumed that everyone else's business was their own;

the way they went through life in a straight line; the way, in fact, that

they arrived in any situation and immediately started to change it.

Compared to that, acting on unspoken agreement was a mere minor

annoyance, but it was here and up close.

They walked towards her, and each laid a hand on her shoulder.

'Feeling angry?' said Granny.

'Yes!'

'I should let it out then, if I was you,' said Nanny.

Agnes shut her eyes, clenched her fists, opened her mouth and screamed.

It started low. Plaster dust drifted down from the ceiling. The prisms on

the chandelier chimed gently as they shook.

It rose, passing quickly through the mysterious pitch at fourteen cycles

per second where the human spirit begins to feel distinctly uncomfortable

about the universe and the place in it of the bowels. Small items around

the Opera House vibrated off shelves and smashed on the floor.

The note climbed, rang like a bell, climbed again. In the Pit, all the

violin strings snapped, one by one.

As the tone rose, the crystal prisms shook in the chandelier. In the bar,

champagne corks fired a salvo. Ice jingled and shattered in its bucket. A

line of wine-glasses joined in the chorus, blurred around the rims, and

then exploded like hazardous thistledown with attitude.

There were harmonics and echoes that caused strange effects. In the

dressing-rooms the No. 3 greasepaint melted. Mirrors cracked, filling the

ballet school with a million fractured images.

Page

154

Dust rose, insects fell. In the stones of the Opera House tiny particles

of quartz danced briefly. . .

Then there was silence, broken by the occasional thud and tinkle.

Nanny grinned.

'Ah,' she said, 'now the opera's over.'

Salzella opened his eyes.

The stage was empty, and dark, and nevertheless brilliantly lit. That is,

a huge shadowless light was streaming from some unseen source and yet,

apart from Salzella himself, there was nothing for it to illuminate.

Footsteps sounded in the distance. Their owner took some time to arrive,

but when he stepped into the liquid air around Salzella he seemed to

burst into flame.

He wore red: a red suit with red lace, a red cloak, red shoes with ruby

buckles, and a broad-brimmed red hat with a huge red feather. He even

walked with a long red stick, bedecked with red ribbons. But for someone

who had taken such meticulous trouble with his costume, he'd been remiss

in the matter of his mask. It was a crude one of a skull, such as might

be bought in any theatrical shop-Salzella. could even see the string.

'Where did everyone go?' Salzella demanded. Unpleasant recent memories

were beginning to bubble up in his mind. He couldn't quite recall them

clearly at the moment, but the taste of them was bad.

The figure said nothing.

'Where's the orchestra? What happened to the audience?'

There was a barely perceptible shrug from the tall red figure.

Salzella began to notice other details. What he had thought was the stage

seemed slightly gritty underfoot. The ceiling above him was a long way

away, perhaps as far away as anything could be, and was filled with cold,

hard points of light.

'I asked you a question!'

THREE QUESTIONS, IN FACT.

The words turned up on the inside of Salzella's ears with no suggestion

that they had had to travel like normal sound.

'You didn't answer me!'

SOME THINGS YOU HAVE TO WORK OUT FOR YOURSELF, AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM,

BELIEVE ME.

'Who are you? You're not a member of the cast, I know that! Take off that

mask!'

AS YOU WISH. I DO LIKE TO GET INTO THE SPIRIT OF THE THING.

The figure removed its mask.

'And now take off that other mask!' said Salzella, as the frozen fingers

of dread rose through him.

Death touched a secret spring on the stick. A blade shot out, so thin

that it was transparent, its edge glittering blue as air molecules were

sliced into their component atoms.

AH, he said, raising the scythe. THERE I THINK YOU HAVE ME.

It was dark in the cellars, but Nanny Ogg had walked alone in the strange

caverns under Lancre and through the night-time forests with Granny

Weatherwax. Darkness held no fears for an Ogg.

She struck a match.

'Greebo?'

People had been tramping to and fro for hours. The darkness wasn't

private any more. It had taken quite a lot of people to carry all the

money, for a start. Up until the end of the opera, there had been

something mysterious about these cellars. Now they were just. . . well. .

. damp underground rooms. Something that had lived here had moved on.

Her foot rattled a piece of pottery.

Page

155

She grunted as she went down on one knee. Spilt mud and shards of broken

pot littered the floor. Here and there, unrooted and snapped, were some

unheeded pieces of dead twig.

Only some kind of fool would have stuck bits of wood in pots of mud far

underground and expected anything to happen.

Nanny picked one up and sniffed it tentatively. It smelled of mud. And

nothing else.

She'd have liked to have-known how it had been done. Just professional

interest, of course. And she knew she never would, now. Walter was a busy

man now, up in the light. And, for something to begin, other things had

to end.

'We all wears a mask of one sort or another,' she said to the damp air.

'No sense in upsetting things now, eh. . .'

The coach didn't leave until seven o'clock in the morning. By Lancre

standards that was practically midday. The witches got there early.

'I was hoping to shop for a few souvenirs,' said Nanny, stamping her feet

on the cobbles to keep warm. 'For the kiddies.'

'No time,' said Granny Weatherwax.

'Not that it would have made any difference on account of me not having

any money to buy 'em with,' Nanny went on.

'Not my fault if you fritter your money away,' said Granny.

'I don't recall having a single chance to frit.'

'Money's only useful for the things it can do.'

'Well, yes. I could've done with having some new boots, for a start.'

Nanny jiggled up and down a bit, and whistled around her tooth.

'Nice of Mrs Palm to let us stay there gratis,' she said.

'Yes.'

'O' course, I helped out playin' the piano and tellin' jokes.'

'An added bonus,' said Granny, nodding.

'An' of course there was all those little nibbles I prepared. With the

Special Party Dip.'

'Yes indeed,' said Granny, poker-faced. 'Mrs Palm was saying only this

morning that she's thinking of retiring next year.'

Nanny looked up and down the street again.

'I 'spect young Agnes'll be turning up any minute now,' she said.

'I really couldn't say,' said Granny haughtily.

'Not as though there's much for her here, after all.'

Granny sniffed. 'That's up to her, I'm sure.'

'Everyone was very impressed, I reckon, when you caught that sword in

your hand. . .'

Granny sighed. 'Hah! Yes, I expect they were. They didn't think clearly,

did they? People're just lazy. They never think: maybe she had something

in her hand, a bit of metal or something. They don't think for a minute

it was just a trick. They don't think there's always a perfectly good

explanation if you look for it. They probably think it was some kind of

magic.'

'Yeah, but. . . you didn't have anything in your hand, did you?'

'That's not the point. I might have done.' Granny looked up and down the

square. 'Besides, you can't magic iron.

'That's very true. Not iron. Now, someone like ole Black Aliss, they

could make their skin tougher than steel. . . but that's just an ole

legend, I expect. . .'

'She could do it all right,' said Granny. 'But you can't go round messin'

with cause and effect. That's what sent her mad, come the finish. She

thought she could put herself outside of things like cause and effect.

Well, you can't. You grab a sharp sword by the blade, you get hurt.

World'd be a terrible place if people forgot that.'

Page

156

'You weren't hurt.'

'Not my fault. I didn't have time.'

Nanny blew on her hands. 'One good thing, though,' she said. 'It's a

blessing the chandelier never came down. I was worried about that soon as

I saw it. Looks too dramatic for its own good, I thought. First thing I'd

smash, if I was a loony.'

'Yes.'

'Haven't been able to find Greebo since last night.'

'Good.'

'He always turns up, though.'

'Unfortunately.'

There was a clatter as the coach swung around the corner.

It stopped.

Then the coachman tugged on the reins and it did a Uturn and disappeared

again.

'Esme?' said Nanny, after a while.

'Yes?'

'There's a man and two horses peering at us around the corner.' She

raised her voice. 'Come on, I know you're there! Seven o'clock, this

coach is supposed to leave! Did you get the tickets, Esme?'

'Me?'

'Ah,' said Nanny uncertainly. 'So. . . we haven't got eighty dollars for

the tickets, then?'

'What've you got stuffed up your elastic?' said Granny as the coach

advanced cautiously.

'Nothin' that is legal tender for travellin' purposes, I fear.'

'Then. . . no, we can't afford tickets.'

Nanny sighed. 'Oh, well, I'll just have to use charm.'

'It's going to be a long walk,' said Granny.

The coach pulled up. Nanny looked up at the driver, and smiled

innocently. 'Good morning, my good sir!'

He gave her a slightly frightened but mainly suspicious look. 'Is it?'

'We are desirous of travelling to Lancre but unfortunately we find

ourselves a bit embarrassed in the knicker department.'

'You are??

'But we are witches and could prob'ly pay for our travel by, e.g., curing

any embarrassing little ailments you may have.'

The coachman frowned. 'I ain't carrying you for nothing, old crone. And I

haven't got any embarrassing little ailments!'

Granny stepped forward.

'How many would you like?' she said.

Rain rolled over the plains. It wasn't an impressive Ramtops thunderstorm

but a lazy, persistent, low-cloud rain, like a fat fog. It had been

following them all day.

The witches had the coach to themselves. Several people had opened the

door while it had been waiting to leave, but for some reason had suddenly

decided that today's travel plans didn't include a coach ride.

'Making good time,' said Nanny, opening the curtains and peering out of

the window.

'I expect the driver's in a hurry.'

'Yes, I 'spect he is.'

'Shut the window, though. It's getting wet in here.'

'Righty-ho.'

Nanny grabbed the strap and then suddenly poked her head out into the

rain.

'Stop! Stop! Tell the man to stop!'

The coach dewed to a halt in a sheet of mud.

Page

157

Nanny threw open the door. 'I don't know, trying to walk home, and in

this weather too! You'll catch your death!'

Rain and fog rolled in through the open doorway. Then a bedraggled shape

pulled itself over the sill and slunk under the seats, leaving small

puddles behind it.

'Tryin' to be independent,' said Nanny. 'Bless 'im.'

The coach got under way again. Granny stared out at the endless darkening

fields and the relentless drizzle, and saw another figure toiling along

in the mud by the road that would, eventually, reach Lancre. As the coach

swept past, it drenched the walker in thin slurry.

'Yes, indeed. Being independent's a fine ambition,' she said, drawing the

curtains.

The trees were bare when Granny Weatherwax got back to her cottage.

Twigs and seeds had blown in under the door. Soot had fallen down the

chimney. Her home, always somewhat organic, had grown a little closer to

its roots in the clay.

There were things to do, so she did them. There were leaves to be swept,

and the woodpile to be built up under the eaves. The windsock behind the

beehives, tattered by autumn storms, needed to be darned. Hay had to be

got in for the goats. Apples had to be stored in the loft. The walls

could do with another coat of whitewash.

But there was something that had to be done first. It'd make the other

jobs a bit more difficult, but there was no help for that. You couldn't

magic iron. And you couldn't grab a sword without being hurt. If that

wasn't true, the world'd be all over the place.

Granny made herself some tea, and then boiled up the kettle again. She

took a handful of herbs out of a box on the dresser, and dropped them in

a bowl with the steaming water. She took a length of clean bandage out of

a drawer and set it carefully on the table beside the bowl. She threaded

an extremely sharp needle and laid needle and thread beside the bandage.

She scooped a fingerful of greenish ointment out of a small tin, and

smeared it on a square of lint.

That seemed to be it.

She sat down, and rested her arm on the table, palm-up.

'Well,' she said, to no one in particular, 'I reckon I've got time now.'

The privy had to be moved. It was a job Granny preferred to do for

herself. There was something incredibly satisfying in digging a very deep

hole. It was uncomplicated. You knew where you were with a hole in the

ground. Dirt didn't get strange ideas, or believe that people were honest

because they had a steady gaze and a firm handshake. It just lay there,

waiting for you to move it. And, after you'd done it, you could sit there

in the lovely warm knowledge that it'd be months before you had to do it

again.

It was while she was at the bottom of the hole that a shadow fell across

it.

'Afternoon, Perdita,' she said without looking up.

She lifted another shovelful to head-height and flung it over the edge.

'Come home for a visit, have you?' she said.

She rammed the shovel into the clay at the bottom of the hole again,

winced, and forced it down with her foot.

'Thought you were doing very well in the opera,' she went on. "Course,

I'm not an expert in these things. Good to see young people seeking their

fortune in the big city, though.'

She looked up with a bright, friendly smile.

'I see you've lost a bit of weight, too.' Innocence hung from her words

like loops of toffee.

Page

158

'I've been. . . taking exercise,' said Agnes.

'Exercise is a fine thing, certainly,' said Granny, getting back to her

digging. 'Though they do say you can have too much of it. When are you

going back?'

'I. . . haven't decided.'

'Weeelll, it doesn't pay to be always planning. Don't tie yourself down

the whole time, I've always said that. Staying with your ma, are you?'

'Yes,' said Agnes.

'Ah? Only Magrat's old cottage is still empty. You'd be doing everyone a

favour if you aired it out a bit. You know. . . as long as you're here.'

Agnes said nothing. She couldn't think of anything to say.

'Funny ole thing,' said Granny, hacking around a particularly troublesome

tree root. 'I wouldn't tell everyone, but I was only thinking the other

day, about when I was younger and called myself Endemonidia. . .'

'You did? When?'

Granny rubbed her forehead with her bandaged hand, leaving a clay-red

smudge.

'Oh, for about three, four hours,' she said. 'Some names don't have the

stayin' power. Never pick yourself a name you can't scrub the floor in.'

She threw her shovel out of the hole. 'Give me a hand up, will you?'

Agnes did so. Granny brushed the dirt and leafmould off her apron and

tried to stamp the clay off her boots.

'Time for a cup of tea, eh?' she said. 'My, you are looking well. It's

the fresh air. Too much stuffy air in that Opera House, I thought.'

Agnes tried in vain to detect anything in Granny Weatherwax's eyes other

than transparent honesty and goodwill.

'Yes. I thought so, too,' she said. 'Er. . . you've hurt your hand?'

'It'll heal. A lot of things do.'

She shouldered her shovel and headed towards the cottage; and then,

halfway up the path, turned and looked back.

'This is just me askin', you understand, in a kind neighbourly way,

takin' an interest sort of thing, wouldn't be human if I didn't-'

Agnes sighed. 'Yes?'

'. . .you got much to do with your evenin's these days?'

There was just enough rebellion left in Agnes to put a sarcastic edge on

her voice. 'Oh? Are you offering to teach me something?'

'Teach? No,' said Granny. 'Ain't got the patience for teaching. But I

might let you learn.'

'When shall we three meet again?'

'We haven't met once, yet.'

'O' course we have. I've person'ly known you for at least'

'I mean we Three haven't Met. You know. . . officially. . .'

'All right. . . When shall we three meet?'

'We're already here.'

'All right. When shall-?'

Just shut up and get out the marshmallows. Agnes, give Nanny the

marshmallows.'

'Yes, Granny.'

'And mind you don't burn mine.'

Granny sat back. It was a clear night, although clouds mounting towards

the hub promised snow soon. A few sparks flew up towards the stars. She

looked around proudly.

'Isn't this nice,' she said.

THE END

Page

159

[1] The people of Lancre thought that marriage was a very serious step

that ought to be done properly, so they practised quite a lot.

[BACK]

[2] Not that she sat looking out of the window. She'd been watching the

fire when she picked up the approach of Jarge Weaver. But that wasn't the

point.

[BACK]

[3] Or, at least, dying for a chocolate.

[BACK]

[4] Er. That is to say, they went to bed at the same time as the chickens

went to bed, and got up at the same time as the cows got up. Loosely

worded sayings can really cause misunderstandings.

[BACK]

[5] Distillation of alcohol was illegal in Lancre. On the other hand,

King Verence had long ago given up any idea of stopping a witch doing

something she wanted to do, so merely required Nanny Ogg to keep her

still somewhere it wasn't obvious. She thoroughly approved of the

prohibition, since this gave her an unchallenged market for her own

product, known wherever men fell backwards into a ditch as 'suicider'.

[BACK]

[6] Strictly speaking, this means being chased by photographers anxious

to get a picture of you with your vest off.

[BACK]

[7] Without regret, since she hadn't found any use for it.

[BACK]

[8] Bergholt Stuttley ('Bloody Stupid') Johnson was Ankh-Morpork's most

famous, or rather most notorious, inventor. He was renowned for never

letting his number-blindness, his lack of any skill whatsoever or his

complete failure to grasp the essence of a problem stand in the way of

his cheerful progress as the first Counter-Renaissance man. Shortly after

building the famous Collapsed Tower of Quirm he turned his attention to

the world of music, particularly large organs and mechanical orchestras.

Examples of his handiwork still occasionally come to light in sales,

auctions and, quite frequently, wreckage.

[BACK]

[9] It was central to Nanny Ogg's soul that she never considered herself

an old woman, while of course availing herself of every advantage that

other people's perceptions of her as such would bring.

[BACK]

Page

160