0 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:08,000 Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked) by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew 1 00:00:59,673 --> 00:01:02,801 In New York City, it is a statistical fact... 2 00:01:02,943 --> 00:01:06,777 that once every seven minutes, an unsuspecting woman... 3 00:01:07,981 --> 00:01:09,608 Shut the fuck up! 4 00:01:09,750 --> 00:01:10,978 ...dates an actor. 5 00:01:11,051 --> 00:01:13,542 Let me go. My husband will be home any minute! 6 00:01:13,620 --> 00:01:16,646 For Samantha, one of the perks of dating Jerry the actor... 7 00:01:16,723 --> 00:01:19,851 was getting to stage full-scale fantasy productions. 8 00:01:19,926 --> 00:01:22,952 Please don't hurt me. I'll do anything. 9 00:01:23,029 --> 00:01:24,792 Just shut the fuck up! 10 00:01:27,768 --> 00:01:29,292 You are really good. 11 00:01:29,436 --> 00:01:32,064 I said, shut the fuck up. 12 00:01:32,873 --> 00:01:36,206 No, you shut the fuck up, and fuck me before my husband gets home. 13 00:01:36,276 --> 00:01:37,504 Now! 14 00:01:38,412 --> 00:01:41,313 And then he pretended to tie my hands behind my back... 15 00:01:41,381 --> 00:01:45,249 and the whole time he kept screaming, "Shut the fuck up." 16 00:01:45,352 --> 00:01:47,786 I tell you, it is so refreshing... 17 00:01:47,854 --> 00:01:51,017 to be with someone who likes to fuck outside the box. 18 00:01:51,725 --> 00:01:56,128 - And this is my friend, Samantha. - The wallflower. Right. 19 00:01:56,730 --> 00:01:58,561 That is incredibly offensive. 20 00:01:58,632 --> 00:02:01,032 Violence against women is a very serious issue. 21 00:02:01,101 --> 00:02:04,468 Please, it was a fantasy. Fantasies can't be censored. 22 00:02:04,538 --> 00:02:07,530 Actually, I think the Supreme Court is working on that right now. 23 00:02:07,607 --> 00:02:11,099 All fantasies are healthy and harmless. Don't you agree? 24 00:02:11,745 --> 00:02:14,509 You know, as a guy, I've always been under the impression... 25 00:02:14,581 --> 00:02:17,709 that rape, or anything in the rape family... 26 00:02:17,784 --> 00:02:19,945 is just not a good idea. 27 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:21,714 Can I go home now? 28 00:02:21,788 --> 00:02:25,747 There is no greater sound than your friends laughing at your new boyfriend's jokes. 29 00:02:25,826 --> 00:02:28,260 That's not the only scenario we play. 30 00:02:28,328 --> 00:02:31,661 Sometimes he's Senator Smith, or Principal Smith. 31 00:02:31,932 --> 00:02:33,900 - Cellmate Smith... - Okay, moving on. 32 00:02:33,967 --> 00:02:37,232 Miranda, how was your date with the real estate guy? 33 00:02:37,304 --> 00:02:41,638 Actually, it wasn't horrible. He was kind of cute, and funny, and... 34 00:02:41,842 --> 00:02:43,036 Hello? 35 00:02:44,244 --> 00:02:46,940 Dr. Smith, thank you for returning my call. 36 00:02:49,249 --> 00:02:52,218 Excuse me, he thinks I may have the mumps. 37 00:02:52,619 --> 00:02:53,916 Yes, I'm swollen. 38 00:02:54,187 --> 00:02:55,313 Now, that's hot. 39 00:02:57,491 --> 00:02:59,425 So how did the date end? 40 00:02:59,626 --> 00:03:00,854 He walked me home... 41 00:03:00,927 --> 00:03:04,658 - I'm sorry, are you maxed-out on girl talk? - No, I'm good. 42 00:03:05,098 --> 00:03:06,759 I'll let you know. 43 00:03:07,167 --> 00:03:10,898 So he kissed me goodnight at the door, I invited him up. 44 00:03:10,971 --> 00:03:13,030 He couldn't because he had an early meeting. 45 00:03:13,106 --> 00:03:15,370 We kissed again. Then he said he'd call. 46 00:03:15,442 --> 00:03:18,309 Two kisses. Very promising. 47 00:03:18,378 --> 00:03:20,243 You think, even though he didn't come up? 48 00:03:20,313 --> 00:03:24,340 Definitely. It means he likes you, but he wants to take it slow. That's nice. 49 00:03:24,417 --> 00:03:26,180 Berger, what do you think? 50 00:03:28,321 --> 00:03:29,618 You really want to know? 51 00:03:29,689 --> 00:03:32,385 Please, I would love to have a man's opinion for a change. 52 00:03:32,459 --> 00:03:35,019 All right. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it for you. 53 00:03:35,095 --> 00:03:37,029 He's just not that into you. 54 00:03:39,199 --> 00:03:42,259 - That's not true! - Don't listen to him. 55 00:03:42,702 --> 00:03:45,865 No, I'm intrigued. Elaborate. 56 00:03:46,306 --> 00:03:49,070 Look, I'm sorry, but when a guy's really into you... 57 00:03:49,142 --> 00:03:52,077 he's coming upstairs, meeting or no meeting. 58 00:03:52,579 --> 00:03:55,912 That is ludicrous! What about extenuating circumstances? 59 00:03:55,982 --> 00:03:59,474 What about you're stressed out, you're on deadline, you have a migraine? 60 00:03:59,553 --> 00:04:03,045 Or a lot of guys are afraid of getting their feelings hurt... 61 00:04:03,123 --> 00:04:05,114 and they don't want to ruin a friendship. 62 00:04:05,191 --> 00:04:07,887 Or they're freaked out by their own feelings. 63 00:04:07,961 --> 00:04:11,124 There's a lot of push-pull out there. A lot of mixed messages. 64 00:04:11,264 --> 00:04:15,257 Yeah, I have to say that's all coat for, "He's just not that into you." 65 00:04:15,335 --> 00:04:17,303 I'm sorry, but with guys it's very simple. 66 00:04:17,370 --> 00:04:20,737 If we're into you, we're coming upstairs. We're booking the next date. 67 00:04:20,807 --> 00:04:22,638 There are no mixed messages. 68 00:04:22,976 --> 00:04:24,910 No mixed messages? But... 69 00:04:24,978 --> 00:04:28,141 I've spent my whole life deciphering mixed messages. 70 00:04:28,214 --> 00:04:30,273 I've made a whole career of it. 71 00:04:30,350 --> 00:04:33,444 Wow. He's just not that into me. 72 00:04:37,791 --> 00:04:41,921 Honey, ignore this person. He doesn't know what he's talking about. 73 00:04:41,995 --> 00:04:43,462 You're fired. 74 00:04:44,097 --> 00:04:47,066 Look, if he's not into you, the guy's obviously a weenie, so... 75 00:04:47,133 --> 00:04:48,725 No, I love it. 76 00:04:49,235 --> 00:04:51,795 It is the most liberating thing I have ever heard. 77 00:04:51,871 --> 00:04:55,739 Think how much time and therapy I could have saved over the last 20 years... 78 00:04:55,809 --> 00:04:57,003 if I had known this. 79 00:04:57,077 --> 00:04:59,841 I still think the real estate guy is gonna call. 80 00:04:59,913 --> 00:05:03,178 I think you've got an uncomfortable e-mail coming your way, you know? 81 00:05:03,249 --> 00:05:05,410 Something like, "Sorry I haven't called. 82 00:05:05,485 --> 00:05:08,454 "I'm in a place in the world where they don't have phones." 83 00:05:09,556 --> 00:05:10,750 I love him. 84 00:05:10,824 --> 00:05:13,054 The best part of a night out with your friends... 85 00:05:13,126 --> 00:05:15,253 is talking about them all the way home. 86 00:05:15,328 --> 00:05:18,923 Charlotte is a trip, Samantha's hilarious. They all are. 87 00:05:18,999 --> 00:05:22,196 - They thought you were hilarious. - How do you not love Miranda? 88 00:05:22,268 --> 00:05:26,432 I know. I love her. And I love that you loved her. 89 00:05:26,506 --> 00:05:29,236 God, she loved you. They all did. 90 00:05:29,542 --> 00:05:31,032 And they're a tough crowd. 91 00:05:31,111 --> 00:05:34,547 - I'm a tough crowd. - Okay, your choice: 92 00:05:34,881 --> 00:05:37,315 Fudgesicle or Nutty Buddy? 93 00:05:37,617 --> 00:05:41,178 Oh, my God! I wanted this one. We're perfect! 94 00:05:42,055 --> 00:05:43,955 When you went to the men's room, they were... 95 00:05:44,024 --> 00:05:46,049 - Stop. - What, am I talking too much? 96 00:05:46,126 --> 00:05:49,721 No, I wanna say something and I don't want you to say anything back, okay? 97 00:05:49,796 --> 00:05:51,058 You promise? 98 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:54,765 I love you. 99 00:05:55,368 --> 00:05:58,997 I love you, too. And I'm not saying it because you said it to me. I promise. 100 00:05:59,072 --> 00:06:02,803 I was gonna say it before. I've been thinking it the whole night. 101 00:06:03,877 --> 00:06:07,176 I love you. I just wanted to say it again on my own. 102 00:06:09,082 --> 00:06:10,913 In my euphoric state... 103 00:06:10,984 --> 00:06:14,147 I knew there was only one kind of person who could tolerate me. 104 00:06:14,287 --> 00:06:16,983 I'm in love, too! I'm so happy for you. 105 00:06:17,057 --> 00:06:21,050 It's the fastest I've ever said, "I love you," but I could not hold it in my mouth. 106 00:06:21,127 --> 00:06:23,994 And why should you? There's no reason. You're in love. 107 00:06:24,064 --> 00:06:28,000 - I'm in love. - I love Harry so much, it hurts. 108 00:06:28,068 --> 00:06:31,128 Sometimes I look at Berger, and he's so cute... 109 00:06:31,204 --> 00:06:34,071 I just wanna squeeze his face off! 110 00:06:34,374 --> 00:06:37,207 This Friday night is my first official Shabbos. 111 00:06:37,277 --> 00:06:40,974 So I am cooking a big, traditional dinner for Harry. 112 00:06:41,047 --> 00:06:44,813 - I'm so excited to finally be a real Jew. - Here's your brisket, lady. 113 00:06:44,884 --> 00:06:47,182 Listen, I said lean. 114 00:06:54,094 --> 00:06:56,585 Just when I thought my week couldn't get any better... 115 00:06:56,663 --> 00:06:59,826 I came home to find a little surprise from Berger. 116 00:07:14,614 --> 00:07:17,344 From Berger's book to Samantha's books. 117 00:07:19,986 --> 00:07:21,510 I'm sorry, Ms. Jones... 118 00:07:21,588 --> 00:07:25,524 but you owe the U.S. Government $300,000 in back taxes. 119 00:07:25,892 --> 00:07:29,191 But, Auditor Smith, I don't have that kind of money. 120 00:07:29,362 --> 00:07:32,661 What are you going to do, take the shirt off my back? 121 00:07:34,567 --> 00:07:36,262 Take the shirt off my back. 122 00:07:42,375 --> 00:07:45,139 Now this is what I call internal revenue. 123 00:07:48,114 --> 00:07:51,572 In my fantasy, Hurricane Pandora would be brilliant. 124 00:07:52,552 --> 00:07:54,042 In reality... 125 00:07:55,655 --> 00:07:56,849 it was. 126 00:08:03,563 --> 00:08:06,031 If you're still not finished, it's all over between us. 127 00:08:06,099 --> 00:08:08,499 I just finished it, just this minute. I swear. 128 00:08:08,902 --> 00:08:10,460 Did you stop for meals? 129 00:08:10,904 --> 00:08:14,067 It's been two days. It's 400 pages. 130 00:08:14,140 --> 00:08:17,166 - Well, I can't date a slow reader. - Are you done? 131 00:08:17,243 --> 00:08:18,505 The question is, are you done? 132 00:08:18,578 --> 00:08:21,741 Yes, I'm done, and if you would shut your trap... 133 00:08:22,015 --> 00:08:23,778 I could tell you... 134 00:08:24,851 --> 00:08:28,844 that I love, love, loved it. 135 00:08:29,289 --> 00:08:30,756 I loved it! 136 00:08:31,191 --> 00:08:33,523 Except for one huge problem. 137 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:37,924 You have your leading lady running all over town wearing a scrunchy. 138 00:08:42,402 --> 00:08:44,461 The hair thing? What's wrong with that? 139 00:08:44,537 --> 00:08:47,335 Nothing, unless you're writing about women in Manhattan. 140 00:08:47,407 --> 00:08:49,773 In which case, where do I begin? 141 00:08:50,310 --> 00:08:53,473 What are you talking about? Many New York women wear scrunchies. 142 00:08:53,780 --> 00:08:56,772 In the bathroom maybe, when they're washing their faces. 143 00:08:56,850 --> 00:08:58,147 You're full of shit. 144 00:08:58,218 --> 00:09:02,211 I've seen women every single day all over New York City wearing scrunchies. 145 00:09:02,288 --> 00:09:04,882 But here's the thing. Here's my crucial point. 146 00:09:04,958 --> 00:09:08,121 No woman who works at W magazine and lives on Perry Street... 147 00:09:08,194 --> 00:09:11,561 would be caught dead at a hip, downtown restaurant... 148 00:09:11,764 --> 00:09:14,528 wearing a scrunchy. 149 00:09:15,768 --> 00:09:17,861 Man, it's a good thing I came along... 150 00:09:17,937 --> 00:09:21,703 because you may know the fellows, but I know the ladies. 151 00:09:22,275 --> 00:09:23,401 Great. 152 00:09:23,576 --> 00:09:26,010 Okay, can I read you my favorite part? 153 00:09:26,112 --> 00:09:28,512 No, I'm done talking about the book. 154 00:09:29,582 --> 00:09:31,345 Are we ordering in? 155 00:09:34,454 --> 00:09:37,252 He completely shut down. Why? 156 00:09:37,323 --> 00:09:40,986 Why did I have to get up on my sassy horse and ruin everything? 157 00:09:41,060 --> 00:09:42,891 Yeah, sass will bite you on the ass. 158 00:09:42,962 --> 00:09:45,192 And the thing that kills me is I love the book. 159 00:09:45,265 --> 00:09:46,960 I could have gushed about it all night. 160 00:09:47,033 --> 00:09:50,093 Why did I have to go straight to the negative and just pick at it? 161 00:09:50,169 --> 00:09:51,636 Because you're in a relationship. 162 00:09:51,704 --> 00:09:56,266 I used to pick at Steve about everything: The way he held his fork, his grammar... 163 00:09:56,342 --> 00:09:58,572 - his dirty fingernails. - Used to? 164 00:09:58,945 --> 00:10:01,880 He has a new girlfriend for that now. Debbie. 165 00:10:02,749 --> 00:10:05,115 - Do you think Debbie picks at Steve? - Of course. 166 00:10:05,184 --> 00:10:09,086 All women pick. It's in our DNA. It's our little way of showing that we care. 167 00:10:09,188 --> 00:10:12,885 I think I made it abundantly clear just how much I care. 168 00:10:12,959 --> 00:10:16,918 You have to work it out with him. Berger has single-handedly changed my life. 169 00:10:16,996 --> 00:10:21,695 I still haven't heard from the real estate guy, but it's fine. He's just not that into me. 170 00:10:21,834 --> 00:10:24,359 I think, right now, Berger's just not that into me. 171 00:10:24,437 --> 00:10:26,064 So talk to him about it. 172 00:10:26,139 --> 00:10:28,903 You two seem like you could laugh your way through anything. 173 00:10:28,975 --> 00:10:32,934 Yeah, it's that kind of thinking that got me into this in the first place. 174 00:10:35,248 --> 00:10:38,342 One of the signs that a female gorilla is in love... 175 00:10:38,518 --> 00:10:42,249 is that she can be seen picking nits off her male companion. 176 00:10:49,963 --> 00:10:53,956 And yet, in humans, nit-picking can ruin a perfectly good evening... 177 00:10:54,033 --> 00:10:56,263 not to mention a relationship. 178 00:10:56,903 --> 00:10:59,098 Women are known to be more verbal than men. 179 00:10:59,205 --> 00:11:03,972 But when does criticism that's constructive become destructive? 180 00:11:04,777 --> 00:11:08,577 Are there times when the ladies should just shut the fuck up? 181 00:11:14,087 --> 00:11:17,750 The next morning, another woman was making too much noise. 182 00:11:19,959 --> 00:11:22,325 What on earth is all that banging? 183 00:11:22,695 --> 00:11:26,187 Good morning, Mrs. Collier. I'm a Jew now. How are you? 184 00:11:35,108 --> 00:11:36,769 I know he'll call eventually. 185 00:11:36,843 --> 00:11:39,311 He's just going through a really hard time right now. 186 00:11:39,379 --> 00:11:40,971 His boss got laid off. 187 00:11:41,047 --> 00:11:44,278 Later, on her lunch hour, Miranda checked her Blackberry. 188 00:11:44,350 --> 00:11:45,647 There it was. 189 00:11:45,718 --> 00:11:48,653 The uncomfortable e-mail Berger had predicted. 190 00:11:49,522 --> 00:11:54,186 Then, when they get busy, it's like, "I can't call. I'm so stressed." 191 00:11:54,427 --> 00:11:55,894 But he's gonna call. 192 00:11:55,962 --> 00:11:58,760 - And his kitchen's being rewired. - It's all so complicated. 193 00:11:58,831 --> 00:12:01,527 - That's a two-day process. - At least. 194 00:12:02,602 --> 00:12:05,969 Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation... 195 00:12:06,039 --> 00:12:10,669 and I hope what I'm gonna say will save you a lot of time and energy. 196 00:12:12,545 --> 00:12:14,672 He's just not that into you. 197 00:12:15,248 --> 00:12:16,806 So move on. 198 00:12:17,250 --> 00:12:18,808 Have a great day. 199 00:12:19,385 --> 00:12:22,218 Having passed on the gospel to these New York women... 200 00:12:22,355 --> 00:12:26,314 Miranda could only hope they would spread the word far and wide. 201 00:12:26,526 --> 00:12:28,494 - Bitch. - Who the hell asked her? 202 00:12:28,561 --> 00:12:29,721 Not me. 203 00:12:29,796 --> 00:12:31,855 - I know you didn't. - Crazy people in New York. 204 00:12:31,931 --> 00:12:33,956 - He is so gonna call you. - I know. 205 00:12:34,033 --> 00:12:36,729 And as two women's fantasies were being shattered... 206 00:12:36,803 --> 00:12:39,067 another's were being brought to life. 207 00:12:44,877 --> 00:12:47,573 Detective Smith, Department of Homicide. 208 00:12:48,047 --> 00:12:51,073 I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you some questions, ma'am. 209 00:12:51,150 --> 00:12:54,711 Why, certainly, Detective. Am I in some kind of trouble? 210 00:12:56,255 --> 00:12:58,655 - Two martinis, please, straight up. - Yes, ma'am. 211 00:12:58,724 --> 00:13:02,751 - Actually, make mine a seltzer. - Of course, you're working. 212 00:13:04,330 --> 00:13:06,195 But, you know, Detective... 213 00:13:06,332 --> 00:13:08,664 one little drink won't kill you. 214 00:13:09,102 --> 00:13:12,071 - He'll have a martini. - No, it's a seltzer. 215 00:13:13,372 --> 00:13:14,862 Seriously, Samantha, I'm in AA. 216 00:13:14,941 --> 00:13:16,738 That sobered Samantha right up. 217 00:13:16,809 --> 00:13:20,142 Totally fucked up for eight years in Seattle... 218 00:13:20,213 --> 00:13:24,707 You know, I just realized. I have a presentation first thing in the morning. 219 00:13:26,052 --> 00:13:27,349 So, sorry. 220 00:13:30,957 --> 00:13:34,586 Jerry had taken the fantasy into dangerous territory. 221 00:13:35,194 --> 00:13:36,422 Reality. 222 00:13:37,130 --> 00:13:39,928 - Two martinis. - No, dude, I said a seltzer. 223 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:44,328 Meanwhile, Charlotte was hard at work on her fantasy role.' 224 00:13:44,403 --> 00:13:45,631 Martha Jewart. 225 00:13:46,072 --> 00:13:48,506 The kugel's in the oven, the matzo balls are boiling. 226 00:13:48,574 --> 00:13:51,771 It's three hours till Shabbos. We should start braiding the challah. 227 00:13:51,844 --> 00:13:55,245 Doesn't Shabbos mean "day of rest," i.e. Ordering in? 228 00:13:55,548 --> 00:13:58,244 We're wearing aprons. Do you own aprons? 229 00:13:58,751 --> 00:14:02,380 - The challah! - Okay, you don't have to holler. 230 00:14:03,222 --> 00:14:04,951 Miranda, like this. 231 00:14:07,126 --> 00:14:10,892 I don't know what I'm doing. Why did you call me over here? 232 00:14:10,963 --> 00:14:15,423 Because I didn't want to spend the entire week saying, "Guess you had to be there." 233 00:14:15,601 --> 00:14:17,364 Did Harry's friend ever call you? 234 00:14:17,436 --> 00:14:20,200 Yes. As a matter of fact, I'm seeing him tonight. 235 00:14:20,273 --> 00:14:22,298 You think I can get away with this outfit? 236 00:14:22,375 --> 00:14:24,605 Definitely, the apron softens you. 237 00:14:24,677 --> 00:14:27,737 Can you read me what's next, after it's braided? 238 00:14:31,417 --> 00:14:34,147 With her high school boyfriend, Charlotte doodled. 239 00:14:34,220 --> 00:14:36,154 With Harry, she Jew-dled. 240 00:14:37,423 --> 00:14:39,414 I think it calls for... 241 00:14:39,559 --> 00:14:42,551 two cups of Mrs. Harry York-Goldenblatt. 242 00:14:43,296 --> 00:14:46,129 Did I miss something? Did you get married while I was at work? 243 00:14:46,199 --> 00:14:49,191 No, but that's where we're headed. 244 00:14:49,302 --> 00:14:51,463 You forgot Charlotte Yorkenblatt. 245 00:14:51,537 --> 00:14:54,165 Actually, I've been making some calls... 246 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:56,800 and I was wondering how you both felt about November. 247 00:14:57,076 --> 00:14:58,441 November? For what? 248 00:14:58,511 --> 00:15:00,103 For our wedding. 249 00:15:01,013 --> 00:15:03,641 Most of the synagogues are booked through the fall. 250 00:15:03,749 --> 00:15:07,549 - November works for me. - Has Harry even proposed yet? 251 00:15:08,321 --> 00:15:10,016 No, but he will. 252 00:15:10,623 --> 00:15:13,751 Aren't you counting your matzo balls before they rise? 253 00:15:13,826 --> 00:15:16,090 Miranda, zip the lip. 254 00:15:16,162 --> 00:15:18,153 We have an understanding about our future. 255 00:15:18,231 --> 00:15:21,860 We don't have to talk about it all the time. It's b'shert. 256 00:15:22,235 --> 00:15:25,295 - I don't know what that means. - It's meant to be. 257 00:15:27,540 --> 00:15:29,974 I would never have gone through all this trouble... 258 00:15:30,042 --> 00:15:32,510 if I didn't know for sure that we were getting married. 259 00:15:32,578 --> 00:15:36,036 I'm sorry, I just don't want to see you get hurt again. 260 00:15:40,987 --> 00:15:44,047 And ever since her reality check with Jerry... 261 00:15:44,123 --> 00:15:46,819 Samantha had no interest in seeing him again. 262 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:51,459 However, when a certain government official called... 263 00:15:51,530 --> 00:15:54,328 she was more than happy to take a meeting. 264 00:15:58,137 --> 00:16:01,300 Secret Service Agent Smith, if you're here... 265 00:16:02,808 --> 00:16:04,969 who's protecting the President? 266 00:16:05,344 --> 00:16:07,244 You know, I changed my mind. 267 00:16:07,313 --> 00:16:10,077 I thought of something even hotter for us to play. 268 00:16:10,449 --> 00:16:12,713 Hotter than Secret Service sluts? 269 00:16:14,587 --> 00:16:16,680 I'm me, you're you. 270 00:16:17,356 --> 00:16:18,380 Go. 271 00:16:21,193 --> 00:16:24,754 You know, when I told you the other night I was in AA, you bolted. 272 00:16:24,964 --> 00:16:26,488 What's up with that? 273 00:16:28,067 --> 00:16:29,932 It is Jerry, isn't it? 274 00:16:30,436 --> 00:16:32,904 I'm afraid we want different things. 275 00:16:32,972 --> 00:16:34,963 You want to tell me all about you... 276 00:16:35,041 --> 00:16:38,204 and I don't want you to tell me all about you. 277 00:16:38,344 --> 00:16:40,938 It spoils the fantasy. 278 00:16:41,647 --> 00:16:44,343 - That's harsh. - Yeah, I am harsh. 279 00:16:44,984 --> 00:16:48,750 I'm also demanding, stubborn, self-sufficient, and always right. 280 00:16:48,821 --> 00:16:51,790 In bed, at the office, and everywhere else. 281 00:16:52,391 --> 00:16:56,088 - I already knew that. - And that's just a little bit about me. 282 00:16:56,929 --> 00:16:58,419 All right, cool. 283 00:16:59,398 --> 00:17:01,457 Let me tell you one little thing about me. 284 00:17:01,534 --> 00:17:05,231 - See, this is exactly... - At least let me tell you my last name. 285 00:17:05,705 --> 00:17:07,104 It's Jerrod. 286 00:17:10,543 --> 00:17:13,068 Your parents named you Jerry Jerrod? 287 00:17:13,646 --> 00:17:16,137 - No wonder you drank. - Right. 288 00:17:16,816 --> 00:17:20,252 There would still be accountants and undercover agents in their future. 289 00:17:20,319 --> 00:17:24,187 But that night, Samantha and Jerry got off on playing themselves. 290 00:17:25,858 --> 00:17:30,318 Meanwhile, I was looking forward to putting the scrunchy moment behind us. 291 00:17:33,933 --> 00:17:37,334 Unfortunately, it was staring us in the face. 292 00:17:42,174 --> 00:17:44,870 Okay, I'm sorry to have to do this... 293 00:17:44,944 --> 00:17:48,675 but I do believe we are in the presence of a scrunchy. 294 00:17:49,281 --> 00:17:52,273 I also do believe, and correct me if I'm wrong... 295 00:17:52,351 --> 00:17:54,819 that we are in New York City proper. 296 00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:58,185 This woman does not appear to be washing her face. 297 00:17:58,257 --> 00:18:02,353 She appears to be standing in line at a hip, downtown restaurant. 298 00:18:03,496 --> 00:18:06,488 So it kind of kills your New York woman theory. 299 00:18:08,167 --> 00:18:10,067 Tough break, Bradshaw. 300 00:18:11,604 --> 00:18:14,004 - She's not from New York. - What? 301 00:18:15,474 --> 00:18:18,534 Doesn't matter. Did they say how long the wait was gonna be? 302 00:18:18,611 --> 00:18:21,205 Excuse me. Hi, I'm sorry to bother you. 303 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,249 We're just wondering what part of New York you live in. 304 00:18:25,151 --> 00:18:26,140 Me? 305 00:18:29,088 --> 00:18:31,818 I am from Macon, Georgia. 306 00:18:32,758 --> 00:18:35,124 But thanks, you made my whole day. 307 00:18:35,194 --> 00:18:39,130 Honey, did you hear that? These people think I live in New York. 308 00:18:39,965 --> 00:18:43,230 I'm so hungry. When are they gonna let us sit down? 309 00:18:44,136 --> 00:18:46,400 Downtown, over curried lamb and chutney... 310 00:18:46,472 --> 00:18:50,568 Miranda found herself pleasantly surprised by Charlotte's matchmaking skills. 311 00:18:50,943 --> 00:18:53,673 That was one spicy biryani! 312 00:18:53,979 --> 00:18:56,880 I know, I've lost all feeling in my tongue. 313 00:18:57,917 --> 00:19:01,944 Listen, I know a great place around the corner if you wanna get coffee. 314 00:19:04,623 --> 00:19:08,719 I wish I could, but I really should call it a night. 315 00:19:10,463 --> 00:19:12,454 It's fine, I understand. 316 00:19:12,731 --> 00:19:16,030 You're just not that into me, and it's okay. I get it. 317 00:19:16,368 --> 00:19:18,302 No, I like you. 318 00:19:18,571 --> 00:19:21,404 I just really have to go. 319 00:19:21,607 --> 00:19:25,043 - Paul, come on, you can stop lying. - I am not lying. 320 00:19:25,511 --> 00:19:27,979 Come on, be a man. Tell the truth. 321 00:19:30,249 --> 00:19:31,841 I have diarrhea. 322 00:19:32,785 --> 00:19:36,346 Apparently there is one rare exception to Berger's rule... 323 00:19:36,789 --> 00:19:38,916 and it often involves curry. 324 00:19:39,525 --> 00:19:43,154 After dinner, Berger ate banana cream pie and I ate my words. 325 00:19:43,229 --> 00:19:44,457 Another thing I loved... 326 00:19:44,530 --> 00:19:48,523 was the way you used the sister's phone calls as little landposts. 327 00:19:48,601 --> 00:19:50,592 I mean, landmarks... 328 00:19:51,403 --> 00:19:52,802 or mileposts. 329 00:19:52,872 --> 00:19:56,501 Anyway I just loved how those sort of punctuated the story. 330 00:19:56,575 --> 00:19:58,907 It was just a really nice touch. 331 00:20:00,779 --> 00:20:04,374 Oh, my God, the introduction... Brilliant! 332 00:20:04,650 --> 00:20:09,280 You're instantly on this guy's side, even though he's a complete mess. 333 00:20:09,989 --> 00:20:12,583 You know, you really just nailed him. 334 00:20:19,732 --> 00:20:22,064 While I was working overtime... 335 00:20:22,801 --> 00:20:25,565 Charlotte's work was finally coming to an end. 336 00:20:25,638 --> 00:20:28,766 Harry, you can come on in now. Sorry it's so late. 337 00:20:28,841 --> 00:20:29,933 What's all this? 338 00:20:30,009 --> 00:20:33,604 Since it's our first Shabbos together, I wanted to make it a little special. 339 00:20:33,679 --> 00:20:35,579 A little? This is phenomenal. 340 00:20:35,648 --> 00:20:39,550 I just need to get the candles and then we can say the bracha. 341 00:20:50,496 --> 00:20:52,259 Come on. 342 00:20:55,267 --> 00:20:58,361 Honey, please turn that off. We're about to eat. 343 00:21:04,009 --> 00:21:05,806 It smells incredible. 344 00:21:06,211 --> 00:21:09,647 And you made brisket. I cannot believe you made brisket. 345 00:21:46,251 --> 00:21:49,414 - Good Shabbos. - Good Shabbos, sweetie. 346 00:21:52,558 --> 00:21:55,026 I cannot believe you made all this. 347 00:21:55,294 --> 00:21:58,491 - What did I do to deserve you? - I feel the same way. 348 00:21:59,798 --> 00:22:01,789 I've been thinking about blessings... 349 00:22:02,101 --> 00:22:04,092 and you are such a blessing to me. 350 00:22:04,637 --> 00:22:06,229 What are you... 351 00:22:08,107 --> 00:22:10,598 - Why is the TV on? - It's on mute. 352 00:22:10,976 --> 00:22:13,843 Mute? We're having Shabbos dinner. 353 00:22:13,912 --> 00:22:15,277 It's a big game, honey. 354 00:22:15,347 --> 00:22:18,316 Turn it off. I want you to turn it off right this minute. 355 00:22:18,484 --> 00:22:20,418 - But it's... - Off now. 356 00:22:20,486 --> 00:22:22,113 Let me just watch this one pitch. 357 00:22:22,187 --> 00:22:25,350 I gave up Christ for you and you can't give up the Mets? 358 00:22:25,424 --> 00:22:28,120 It's gonna be a long life if you keep that up. 359 00:22:28,193 --> 00:22:30,525 "I gave up Christ for you, take out the trash. 360 00:22:30,596 --> 00:22:33,656 "I gave up Christ for you, pick up your socks." 361 00:22:34,433 --> 00:22:38,199 Do you have any idea how hard I worked to prepare this meal for you? 362 00:22:38,270 --> 00:22:41,137 I went to Zabar's every day this week... 363 00:22:42,207 --> 00:22:44,232 I had to make 30 matzo balls... 364 00:22:44,309 --> 00:22:47,904 just to get four that were the right size and shape. 365 00:22:48,247 --> 00:22:52,274 Not to mention the months of studying and cramming like a maniac... 366 00:22:52,351 --> 00:22:55,684 to convert to Judaism. And what have you done for me? 367 00:22:55,754 --> 00:22:57,244 Set the date. 368 00:22:58,857 --> 00:23:00,324 What are you talking about? 369 00:23:00,392 --> 00:23:03,054 You said you couldn't marry me unless I was Jewish... 370 00:23:03,128 --> 00:23:05,756 and now I'm Jewish. Set the date! 371 00:23:05,831 --> 00:23:08,322 You're acting crazy! Do you hear yourself? 372 00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:11,267 Do you know how lucky you are to have me? 373 00:23:11,737 --> 00:23:13,637 Do you know how we look? 374 00:23:13,706 --> 00:23:17,938 Do you know what people out there think when they see us together? Do you? 375 00:23:18,010 --> 00:23:20,638 Yeah, I know what people are thinking. 376 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:24,210 I just didn't think you were one of them. 377 00:23:24,316 --> 00:23:27,046 Finally it was Charlotte who was on mute. 378 00:23:27,119 --> 00:23:28,780 I don't need this. 379 00:23:29,888 --> 00:23:31,253 I'm leaving. 380 00:23:35,227 --> 00:23:37,252 To think I bought a ring. 381 00:23:42,367 --> 00:23:44,597 The Mets won that night, 5 to 4. 382 00:23:44,670 --> 00:23:47,571 But Charlotte lost everything that mattered to her. 383 00:23:48,273 --> 00:23:50,434 I just remembered another hilarious part. 384 00:23:50,509 --> 00:23:54,343 And later, on the corner of 73rd and mea culpa... 385 00:23:54,513 --> 00:23:57,539 You know the scene where the dishwasher guy... 386 00:23:57,616 --> 00:24:00,813 is spooning up the Rice Chex and he's putting them back in the box? 387 00:24:00,886 --> 00:24:03,821 It's perfection. How did you come up with that? 388 00:24:03,889 --> 00:24:07,450 - It's so lame. - No, it was not. It was hysterical. 389 00:24:07,526 --> 00:24:11,656 I'm not talking about the book. I'm talking about what you're doing right now. 390 00:24:11,730 --> 00:24:15,188 I just wanted you to know how much I loved your book... 391 00:24:16,034 --> 00:24:17,524 because I did. 392 00:24:17,770 --> 00:24:21,103 And I'm sorry I muddied it up with the whole scrunchy thing. 393 00:24:21,173 --> 00:24:23,107 It's not that big a deal. 394 00:24:26,612 --> 00:24:29,046 I think I'm gonna call it a night. 395 00:24:29,481 --> 00:24:31,472 I gotta get an early start tomorrow. 396 00:24:31,550 --> 00:24:34,178 - Are you kidding? - No. Thanks for dinner. 397 00:24:35,154 --> 00:24:36,553 I'll call you tomorrow. 398 00:24:36,622 --> 00:24:37,987 And then there are times... 399 00:24:38,056 --> 00:24:41,184 when a New York woman should not shut the fuck up. 400 00:24:49,902 --> 00:24:53,099 You can't just pull that line on me and walk away. 401 00:24:53,172 --> 00:24:54,400 This time it's true. 402 00:24:54,473 --> 00:24:57,203 You're obviously still pissed, and I'm sorry... 403 00:24:57,309 --> 00:24:59,334 but you can't just shut down like this. 404 00:24:59,411 --> 00:25:01,675 We have to be able to say what's on our minds. 405 00:25:01,747 --> 00:25:05,183 If you thought that I had made some kind of mistake... 406 00:25:05,250 --> 00:25:07,377 I would want you to tell me. 407 00:25:08,821 --> 00:25:10,083 Nice hat. 408 00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:17,120 It's fabulous, and you said that to hurt my feelings. 409 00:25:17,196 --> 00:25:20,029 - That's how you made me feel that night. - Fabulous. 410 00:25:20,499 --> 00:25:22,933 - So, you could just walk away now? - Yes, I can. 411 00:25:23,001 --> 00:25:24,298 I'm sorry, all right? 412 00:25:24,369 --> 00:25:26,803 What was I supposed to do with that scrunchy comment? 413 00:25:26,872 --> 00:25:30,035 Was I supposed to hop in my time machine and fix my entire book? 414 00:25:30,108 --> 00:25:33,976 I don't know what your problem is, but it has nothing to do with a scrunchy. 415 00:25:34,046 --> 00:25:37,447 Yeah, it's about the fact that my book is a big, fat, fucking failure. 416 00:25:37,516 --> 00:25:41,043 - Wait. What? - It's just, I already feel like shit. 417 00:25:41,153 --> 00:25:43,986 You trying to pump me up all night, not helping. 418 00:25:47,759 --> 00:25:51,422 I'm sure this is all very sexy. You probably never really... 419 00:25:52,764 --> 00:25:53,753 Stop. 420 00:25:55,367 --> 00:25:58,530 I want to say something and I want you to listen. 421 00:25:59,571 --> 00:26:01,596 You're a beautiful writer... 422 00:26:02,541 --> 00:26:04,566 and I loved your book. 423 00:26:06,044 --> 00:26:07,375 And I love you. 424 00:26:08,447 --> 00:26:10,244 And I still think... 425 00:26:10,816 --> 00:26:12,443 you're very sexy. 426 00:26:13,552 --> 00:26:16,544 And I'm not gonna let you make a joke right now. 427 00:26:19,758 --> 00:26:21,487 Then I got nothing. 428 00:26:26,064 --> 00:26:27,326 Come on. 429 00:26:31,703 --> 00:26:33,796 Saying "I love you" is easy. 430 00:26:34,239 --> 00:26:37,299 What comes next is a little scrunchier. 431 00:26:42,281 --> 00:26:44,340 Harry hadn't called in two days... 432 00:26:44,416 --> 00:26:47,715 except to say he was sending someone over to pick up his TV. 433 00:26:51,957 --> 00:26:55,085 Just what New York needs.' Another single Jewish girl. 434 00:27:00,365 --> 00:27:01,889 Good morning. 435 00:27:04,136 --> 00:27:07,697 - Mind if I get in there and wash my face? - Not at all. 436 00:27:10,642 --> 00:27:13,338 Oh, my God, where did you get that? 437 00:27:13,412 --> 00:27:16,210 Macon, Georgia. Why, you wanna try it on? 438 00:27:16,481 --> 00:27:19,644 You're gonna look so pretty with this scrunchy on. 439 00:27:21,453 --> 00:27:22,977 No, I hate you! 440 00:27:47,000 --> 00:28:47,000 Ripped by RavyDavy part of the [RL] Crew